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mahin
09-18-2006, 08:11 PM
Assalaamu alaikum,

Inshallah I was hoping that we could post what our groups came up with regarding the 5 things that would make us angry at our spouse, since we didn 't have time to cover those in class. Also, if we could get what we would love as well, even though we covered them; just for the benefit of the other users on the forum.

Bismillah

From Group known as "Five Hopelessly Romantic Bachelors & Siraaj" (the others in the group can correct me if I messed up the order..I'm going off memory)

(Top 5 things to drive us nuts)
1. Infidelity
2. Discouraging Religious Growth
3. Dissing Mom/Family
4. Throwing Hissyfit over something Small/Nagging/Pointing out every little mistake/Emotional Blackmail/Bringing up past mistakes
5. Getting Fat on purpose to spite husband

(What we love, in case anyone missed it)
1. Intimacy
2. Encouraging Religious Growth
3. Helping one find a 2nd wife
4. Cooking Good Food/Household chores
5. Making sure to look good for hubby

Also..a clarification, many groups said it was important for the wife to look good..but it seemed the emphasis was on clothes/makeup, etc. However, in our group, we discussed the concept of exercise/diet to stay in good shape on top of that(on the condition that the husband did the same as well). BarakAllahu Feekum.

ZkrofAllah
09-18-2006, 08:24 PM
Did the sisters also do something similar, if they did.. please do post so we can add on!

Note to everyone:: Please be accepting of what everyone posts, they are posting their likes and dislikes... having an opinion is NOT a Bida..:D

Note to sisters::: TAKE NOTES...;)

*Bint Anwar*
09-19-2006, 03:08 PM
Us salaam alaikum.

Bismillah.

Well here are a few things the sisters mentioned...

Most Loving (things they would like in a husband) (No particular order)


Close to Allah
Good listener
Being patient
Helpful around the house
Choosing you over others (i.e. guy friends-lol)
Being a gentleman
Being playful
Showing appreciation
Picking up after themselves
Giving attention
Being supportive
Unexpected acts of love (i.e. unexpected gifts at unexpected times)
Spending QUALITY time together
Sharing chores
Parenting
Calling 'just because'
Being romantic
Sweet talking/flirting/complimenting
Cheerful at home
Sacrificing (i.e. not going to play soccer w/ the boys and staying at home w/wifey heheh)
Treating wife good in front of others
We didnt get to the things sisters would hate in a husband, can sisters please start posting things they had for that category?? I am sure it will be very helpful for husbands and hubands to be inshallah :)

Olivia
09-19-2006, 05:26 PM
i remember a few of our "hate" qualities...

1. Doesn't come to wife when she cries
2. Brings his mom/family into personal issues with wife
3. Doesn't compromise/acts dictatorish

i can't remember the rest! anyone else?

Olivia
09-19-2006, 05:26 PM
oh yea another one..

No drama queen husbands! lol :D

Sirius1
09-19-2006, 05:37 PM
A few hateful things from what I remember:

Abuse of authority (which also includes physical abuse)
Stares at other women (Someone in our group asked..."...but would a religious man do this?" Answer: Depends on how you judge his religiousity :D...by his physical appearance or by his actions. If by physical appearance, then yes--Some do it).
Sharing wife's secrets w/ others.
Not inquire about her sadness, when she feels down.
Compares her with other women

Sirius1
09-19-2006, 05:46 PM
I would also say: Spies on her and doesn't trust her.

Besides being hateful, I think it can provoke rebellion in her.

Olivia
09-20-2006, 11:23 AM
This would include watching women on TV too, right? for those who are still not weaned off the TV.

yes, umm sakinah, good point.

mahin
09-20-2006, 05:36 PM
C'mon Wasat!

Is that all y'all got? I thought this thread would have been 4 or 5 pages by now! The brothers are totally MIA, perhaps there's a reason for that.

Um Tammer
09-21-2006, 06:27 AM
getting fat on purpose to spite hubby...someone actually does that?

In Memphis sisters mentioned as loving from hubby
-willingness to help with children/house
-ability to be patient during mood swings
- respect of relatives
- working to support family
I cannot remember #5.
Hateful were - not backing up the wife in dealing with the children and in-laws
- verbal and physical abuse
- being too tight with money
cannot remember the rest...

burgundy
09-21-2006, 08:13 PM
getting fat on purpose is kinda funny. cuz a person should generally want to look acceptable even if they're not married. it was just amusing :-)

(i wasnt in the groups or anything but i thought id brainstorm anyway for my own benefit).

here are some good things that would make a spouse happy:
-overlooks little things; jokes 'em away
-prays in the mosque as much as he can(for a guy)
-encourages you to be more religoius in your individual life and also to help others
-does not complain over little things
-quite when angry but still talks about necessary stuff(like not silent treatment).
-likes to look spiffy
-has eyes only for the spouse, and stays away from fitna
-balanced understanding of islam
-cool with your relatives/family

qualities that a spouse would hate in the other:
-too serious
-slob
-complainy, constantly thinking the world is against them
-overly sensitive
-skewed understanding of islam
-does not lower their gaze from ppl of the opposite gender; or too friendly with them.
-embarasses you in front of their/your family/relatives

mahin
09-22-2006, 11:55 AM
getting fat on purpose is kinda funny. cuz a person should generally want to look acceptable even if they're not married. it was just amusing :-)



Well it was a brainstorming session..we figured that the spouse must really be angry at the other spouse to do that, I've never heard of it actually happening. However what is really common is to see ppl put on weight right after marriage, I know a lot of brothers that do this. A good friend of mine who is recently married told me that there are 2 perspectives. 1) You don't need to impress anyone anymore so who cares how you look(so forget about staying in shape) or 2) You have to stay in shape so the other person will stay in shape as well.

Ra77aal
10-05-2006, 04:49 PM
what an interesting thread!! I hope The DC area gets this mini-seminar soon insha'Allah!

Ra77aal
10-05-2006, 04:56 PM
Us salaam alaikum.

Bismillah.

Well here are a few things the sisters mentioned...

Most Loving (things they would like in a husband) (No particular order)


Close to Allah
Good listener
Being patient
Helpful around the house
Choosing you over others (i.e. guy friends-lol)
Being a gentleman
Being playful
Showing appreciation
Picking up after themselves
Giving attention
Being supportive
Unexpected acts of love (i.e. unexpected gifts at unexpected times)
Spending QUALITY time together
Sharing chores
Parenting
Calling 'just because'
Being romantic
Sweet talking/flirting/complimenting
Cheerful at home
Sacrificing (i.e. not going to play soccer w/ the boys and staying at home w/wifey heheh)
Treating wife good in front of others
We didnt get to the things sisters would hate in a husband, can sisters please start posting things they had for that category?? I am sure it will be very helpful for husbands and hubands to be inshallah :)


I second all these :)

Bad things in a husband:

-Miserliness
-lack of ambition
-lack of confidence
-lack of humor- boring
-unaffectionate
-thoughtlessness

Sadaqah
10-13-2006, 02:25 PM
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

brother_bruce
10-18-2006, 06:23 PM
interesting thread - but everyone starts coming up with a wishlist by the time they're 14. So out of curiousity, was there a lesson given at the end of it all?

Like were you guys taught that the top 5/ worst 5 qualities were actually a reflection of yourself, and that these are the same qualities you should work on/ get rid of?

:)

SdoubleAD
10-18-2006, 07:06 PM
interesting thread - but everyone starts coming up with a wishlist by the time they're 14. So out of curiousity, was there a lesson given at the end of it all?

Like were you guys taught that the top 5/ worst 5 qualities were actually a reflection of yourself, and that these are the same qualities you should work on/ get rid of?

:)i think, at the end of the day, the lesson learned was that the loving actions wanted in a woman for most men were the same and that the loving actions wanted in a man for most women were the same.

basically, most men think alike and most women think alike =)

i have the list of the most loving actions from the class, i wonder if its ok to put em up here (there are about 50 from each side).

we didnt get a chance to go over the most disliked actions, inshaAllah shaikh yaser can share those with us.

Generous_1
10-18-2006, 07:43 PM
interesting thread - but everyone starts coming up with a wishlist by the time they're 14. So out of curiousity, was there a lesson given at the end of it all?

I think everyone should share their top five things with their spouses when they marry or if they are married to see if they can achieve some sort of a value congruence. Just an idea so there could be a point behind this thread.

~Oum AbdurRahman~
11-04-2006, 03:01 PM
A Muslim wife loves :
1. Kind words and sincere actions
2. Generosity to her and her children
3. Attention to her and her children
4. Taqwa
5. Cleanliness

FIVE things a Husband loves :

1. Respect( i.e obedience)
2. Delicious food (on time)
3. Devotion and attention
4. Affection and beauty
5. Taqwa

~Oum AbdurRahman~
11-04-2006, 03:09 PM
FIVE things A Muslim Wife Hates:

1. When she is ignored
2. To be constantly put down
3. To have her requests put aside
4. Deliberate unwillingness to understand her(out of pride).
5. Treachery and miserliness

Five things a Muslim Husband hates:

1. Ugliness in character(*no matter how pretty she is, if she has a bad character, her looks don't mean a thing)
2. To be questioned( i.e "Where are you going? When are you comming back?")
3. To be misunderstood all the time and oversensitivity
4. His wife challenging him or questioning him in front of others (it makes him look incompetant)
5. Bukhul(*miserliness)

~Oum AbdurRahman~
11-04-2006, 03:15 PM
Five things to win her heart:
1.Buy her a single flower and give her a hug
2.Say "(I love you) to her in a secret language in a public place
3. Baby her sometimes
4.Spend quality time with her(I.e look at her in the face and have an intelligent conversation for a half hour)
5. Go to Hajj together

Five Things to Win a Husbands heart over:
1. Bake him a strawberry cake
2. Iron all his clothes and spray them with attar
3. Stay silent when he says something wrong to you
4. Just say "Okay"next time he wants you to do or go somewhere you don't want to do or go to.
5.Make his mom a gift by hand

~Oum AbdurRahman~
11-16-2006, 12:53 PM
As-salaamoualaikoum,


BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VERY VERY Well put thank you sis...that is a beautiful STRAIGHT forward, well worded poem to add to this thread....shukran ilik, Allah yi3atiki al 3afiya, Ameeeen!!!

Five things Wives Hate:

Ugratefulness
Always getting nagged because of something that was found dirty by chance
Being treated like a child
Being ignored
Being compared to other women


Five things husbands love:

A wife that constantly works
A wife that doesn't speak her mind
A wife who doesn't ask for anything
A wife who is silent
A wife who obeys upon command

Saabirah
11-17-2006, 09:43 AM
Five things husbands love:

A wife that constantly works
A wife that doesn't speak her mind
A wife who doesn't ask for anything
A wife who is silent
A wife who obeys upon command
The last one I can appreciate but the rest of them.... are you serious sister?

willow
11-17-2006, 07:17 PM
Mouth the words, 'Elephant Juice'.

Hasan
11-17-2006, 09:49 PM
Five things husbands love:

A wife that constantly works
A wife that doesn't speak her mind
A wife who doesn't ask for anything
A wife who is silent
A wife who obeys upon commandThe last one I can appreciate but the rest of them.... are you serious sister? Yeah, in my humble opinion, that kinda freaks me out. A wife is a human being. If she keeps all her feelings and needs bottled up, works like a robot, and neglects her own needs, one day she's gonna pop. And frankly, I don't think husbands like it when wives pop.

Bottled Up Feelings -> Resentment -> Pop.
Communication -> Harmony -> Mutual Happiness.

If a husband behaves in a way that the wife doesn't like or appreciate, she should share her feelings in a non-confrontational way. Communication is vital. If she doesn't, those feelings are going to fester into a poisonous resentment that could one day wreck the marriage, na'oodhu billahi min dhalik.

And if a wife doesn't ask for anything, how's the husband going to know what she likes? She'd be doing him a favor by asking him to, for example, help with the vacuuming. It'll make him feel like a million bucks if he knows how he can make her happy, bi idhni Allah.

But of course, there's an art to asking (http://forums.almaghrib.org/showpost.php?p=153849&postcount=43).

Wa Allahu a'lam.

Saabirah
11-18-2006, 03:15 PM
I do know that there are husbands out there who like their wives to be like robots, or more specifically never to display emotions/feelings other than what is easy for them to deal with ie love, affection, cheerfulness etc. They would prefer never knowing that she is upset, concerned, unhappy, stressed etc because these feelings are difficult for them to deal with, too much hard work. There are husbands who want an easy life even if their wives are going through hell as a result. There are husbands who want all the enjoyment and pleasure portion of marriage while the wife has the sacrifice and suffering portion. Sadly. And I agree with Brother Hasan, sooner or later - could be a few days, few weeks, maybe even years - many women in this scenario will snap.

I don't think I disagree with you 100% though sister Oum AbdurRahman but personally I'd only make that list if I was in a very cynical mood :). And I'd hide it from sisters who are still single cos if that truly is what a man likes I don't think sisters will be rushing to get married at all!

ZkrofAllah
11-19-2006, 10:43 AM
I do know that there are husbands out there who like their wives to be like robots, or more specifically never to display emotions/feelings other than what is easy for them to deal with ie love, affection, cheerfulness etc. They would prefer never knowing that she is upset, concerned, unhappy, stressed etc because these feelings are difficult for them to deal with, too much hard work. There are husbands who want an easy life even if their wives are going through hell as a result. There are husbands who want all the enjoyment and pleasure portion of marriage while the wife has the sacrifice and suffering portion. Sadly.

So i get it that there are 'few' brothers who would expect their wives to be only dummies... but this is the minority right? Majority of the brothers nor want or expect such stuff from their wives..?!(correct me if i'm wrong)


And I'd hide it from sisters who are still single cos if that truly is what a man likes I don't think sisters will be rushing to get married at all.
I second that :)- but i think some of the single sisters maybe need to know that life after marriage isn't guaranteed to be a fairytale... there will be problems and there will be a need to make sacrifices.
wallahu'alam

~Oum AbdurRahman~
11-21-2006, 03:29 PM
As-salaamoualaikoum, :),

Okay okay you caught me...it was one of those "cynical" days when I posted that. The funny thing is I had a whole other article that I wrote just waiting to be posted, but subhanAllah, it didn't get posted lol...perhaps that was a good thing.

I think if I were to have posted what I was going to, I think pretty much everyone would put marriage off for awhile lol.

It's true. Women have to talk. Sometimes I honestly believe, that some men feel as if you're pointing a gun at them, when you talk to them. Because they automatically feel attacked or blamed even if we don't want them to feel that way.

Seriously sometimes wives have to "pop" or else the husband won't wake up and smell the reality of the truth in the very popular statement, "Communication is vital". Sometimes wives have to go all nuts in order for husbands to realize that hey, Houston? We have a problem.

Men tend to think our lives are simple and without worries, concerns, due to the fact that yes, we stay at home most of the time. So what problems should WE have? Well that's the problem, we're at home all day, and we need some kinda change, we need some kinda companionship/conversation.
EVEN if it's just a simple five minute conversation about the economic/politcal situation in our surrounding area.

JezakAllah khair on the advice, sa7, we have to learn the art of asking. There is an old Arab saying that says, "When you ask, ask them to give you what they can, and then they will obey you." SO like I were to ask something from my husband, I'll say, "Just do what you can." And then in the end, I get what I want totally. (*But sometimes that doesn't work lol, it all depends on the economic situation in our home at the time ).

Okay sis Saabirah...just maybe I was a bit exaggerating,but hey seriously, sometimes it can get that way...in my perception. But perhaps in realtiy it's not that way at all.

It is good for all the single women out there to read all this stuff, so they see that marriage isn't an amusement park, it's a looong journey with many hills, mountains, sharp edges, sudden drops, with a ton of snow, hail and rain in between.

~Oum AbdurRahman~
11-21-2006, 03:35 PM
You also gotta put other things into percpective though, when you read my posts. See I'm surrounded in a place where the culture is like opposite of what I was raised in. So imagine, everything is all blurred out of reality for me, because at sometimes, I'm not even sure what reality is supposed to be.

In the end I always go back to the Qur'an and Sunnah. And at the end of the day, that's where the arguement ends, since Islam is a way of life. But the challenge is always found when people try to claim that a cultural act is a Sunnah. But that's a totally different subject and thread.

Saabirah
11-23-2006, 02:20 PM
I can really relate to what you posted. JazakiLlah for that.
....marriage isn't an amusement park, it's a looong journey with many hills, mountains, sharp edges, sudden drops, with a ton of snow, hail and rain in between.
Totally agree. But the strange thing is no matter how much people are told this before marriage, they realise the true extent of it afterwards and once they do it's like "why didn't anyone tell me what marriage is like!?"

UmmSakinah
11-26-2006, 01:07 PM
I can really relate to what you posted. JazakiLlah for that.

Totally agree. But the strange thing is no matter how much people are told this before marriage, they realise the true extent of it afterwards and once they do it's like "why didn't anyone tell me what marriage is like!?":) That's what's called a test. :) Just like having a baby. How come you don't tell me this is what it's like to be pregnant? (just like marriage, pregnancies also differ on an individual basis).

I actually have a friend who said, "Why didn't anyone tell me marriage is so wonderful?" However, that was right after she was married :)

C2MC
12-26-2006, 06:24 PM
Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatallahi wa barakatuhu,

My comment is in regards to the poem that was posted and some were saying that a woman should speak her mind. I think what it all comes down to is being obedient to the husband. It was narrated in the biography of our ancestors that Fatima (R) used to endure many days of hunger. Her husband, Ali ibn Abi Talib (R), noticed one day the paleness of her face so he said to her: "What is the matter with you, O Fatima?" She replied: "We have gone three days without having food in our house!" He (R) said: "Why did you not tell me?" She replied: "My father, the Messenger of Allah (S), said to me on my wedding night: "O Fatima, if Ali brings you something, then eat, otherwise, do not ask him about it!" Subhanallah! How many women complain about what their husbands have to give them instead of being thankful? Or, how many of them are always ready to battle?

I haven't taken the class. But, mashallah, I really enjoyed a lot of what was posted. I would like to add a couple of things that I like and dislike.

I like when a brother is a "self-made man," meaning that he is ambitious and goes after what he wants instead of trying to rely on others for assistance. I like when he works hard for it himself and places his trust in the One and only swt.

I cannot stand when a brother wages war against his beard by shaving it. Talk about a horrible action.

C2MC
12-26-2006, 06:27 PM
Correction...If this activity was from Love Notes, I didn't stay long enough to participate.

sr gemala
04-19-2009, 05:00 PM
My experience from my failed marriage was when my ex husband called me names which to me were meant out of nothing. Worst spat it in front of our child. How else would you describe that a marriage made in hell? Since then I have lost the respect for him as a husband and submitted myself in prayers and dua for salvation from Allah. The day I walked out the syariah court as a single again... I am blessed and was ready to set my destiny and now able to choose the righteous man as future husband. Deep inside I know I deserved better and shouldnt let the past to deter my future.