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Abu3ubaydah
11-07-2006, 05:58 PM
Salaam,

Does anyone have the notes for the class typed up? I would love to compare my notes from the class with somebody else's notes!

wsalaam

Abdul-Rahman Abu 3ubaydah

rayofhope04
11-08-2006, 06:36 PM
Wa alaikum as salaam wa rahmatu Allahi wabarakatuh

inshaAllah once I type mine up I can post them or email them inshaAllah; whatever's best.

I also think it'd be a good idea to compare.

wa Allahu ta'ala alim.

Asif Alam
11-08-2006, 07:14 PM
Salaam,

Does anyone have the notes for the class typed up? I would love to compare my notes from the class with somebody else's notes!

wsalaam

Abdul-Rahman Abu 3ubaydah
Salaam Abdul Rahmaan...

Where are your GEMS my friend....please start posting them in the proper thread, insha'Allah.

As far as notes are concerned, I couldn't take any, as I was constantly on my feet...once you guys have collated the notes, lets start with the study session to review the material together...

Ma'Assalaama

rayees
11-08-2006, 09:18 PM
As far as notes are concerned, I couldn't take any, as I was constantly on my feet...

Assalamu alaikum Asif bhai,

You have a good excuse this time. :-)

We need to plan for the newsletter also this time insha Allah.

salaam

linuxworks
11-13-2006, 11:22 AM
Day 2: Love notes: Islam and Love





Chapter 1:



Theory of love by Ibm Hazm:



Souls are scattered matters in the upper universe (heaven) that meet and descend to earth and join together. (Soul Mate)



Signs of love:





Eyes are wide open but they are not there.

Gazing

Talks too much about their beloved.
When in presences of beloved one, give full attention.
The love hurries up to the spot where the love one is.
Sudden confusion and excitement at the mere sighting of loved one.

(i.e. he/she is coming to the scene)

Abundant or exceeding cheerfulness

Where they like to sit, on the sofa or the love seat.

Engage in a playful tug of war.

Challenge each other.

Leaning sides way and support oneself against the loved one.

Like to keep in contact with loved one.
Aisha/Prophet (pbuh) reciting while on period and head on thigh.

Opposites are likes.

Opposites attract.
Testing each others loves for likes and dislikes.

i. How do you react? Loving/Rude way.



Donít sleep during the night and sleep during the day.

Sign of wasting the body.

Lover would love the kin more than own family. (Married people only)

In-laws love instead of own family.
Give preferences to wifeís family.

Weeping and crying is a common sign of love.
Sign of love (I canít live without it).






Ruling of love!



ďLove is neither disapproved by religion, nor prohibited by the law; for every heart is in Allahís hands.Ē Ibn Hazm



Q: Prophet Muhammad ask Umar ibn khatib to love the messenger more than himself) (Religious love)







Al-Imran (14)
Men to love women, there is no harm. It is a sing of human perfection.
Allah made this a favor upon his creation. (Sura Room)
How are you going to react to these feelings?

You will be held accountable for the action, not the feelings.

i. Halal way, not haram action.



If you donít have love, youíre like a rock.
Do you fall in love by choice or force?

Depends on the situation.
Ibn Qayamh

i. The beginning of love, infatuation happens by choice?

1. The sequence of those decisions happens by choice.

ii. If someone wants to get married, goes to search for her, talks, and ask about her. Need to ask deeper questions.

iii. The introduction of love happens by choice.

1. Starts with the eye.

a. Allahís command to lower the gaze.

b. You have a choice to look around.

i. When it hits you, gets out of control.

ii. Stereotype of a wife.

iii. Need to rationalize love or gets out of control.



Love in the Qurían and Sunnah



1. As long as you are single, you are going to live a confusing life.

2. Why did allah create hawah from the rib of adam?

a. Giveís him peace and tranquility until they match.

i. They will not live in tranquility until they match.

ii. To be close his heart, physical and emotion.

iii. Under his arm so that he can protect her.

3. Surah Yusuf

4. Sunnah of Prophet

a. We donít see anything better for the lover, then marriage is the best solution for them.

b. Did not deny his love to Aisha (wife). Umar ibn Aas

c. PDA (public display of affection)

5. Donít you love what I love? And if I love her, just love her. Donít complain about her.

6. Zainab wife of prophet as well.

a. Aisha defeated her in the argument.

b. When fighting with women and in-laws, let them argue. As long as there is no physical contact.

i. Sahi Muslim

7. Umar ibn Kahtib; asked a question. I saw a woman and fell in love with her. What should I do? This is not in your hands. You cannot do anything about it.

8. Zayd ibn thabath

a. Known for collection of the Quran

b. Lead salat janzah because a person died out of love because had mercy for him.

9. To haste in make something unlawful, lawful. Is equal to making lawful, unlawful. Making something haram, hala is wrong. (Both wrong)



Lessons learned from ayat and hadith.





Love is out of our control, from allah.

How can we be held accountable?

The word love is from the sunnah of the prophet.

Nothing to be ashamed of.
If you talk about love, culturally itís wrong. Why?

Prophet (pbuh) loved his wives so much (aisha) spoke publicly.

Means that itís not haram to love your wife.
Itís not a sign of weakness.

Encourage young people before getting married, to see bride.






Scholarly works on Love



1. Mohammad ibn Dawud

a. Zahra (100 qualities of love)

2. Ibn Hazm

a. Ring Dove

3. Ibn Quayam

a. The garden of the lovers.

4. Adab Niikah by Iman Ghazalis

5. Happiness and bringing happiness in human history.

a. Mohammad ibn Yusuf al-amiri

6. The concealed love. (Classical Arabic language) 300 AH

























The ring of the Dove

By Ibn Hazm

(994-1064)

A treaties on the Art & Practice of Arab Love



http://www.muslimphilosophy.com/hazm/dove/ringdove.html







The ring of dove

The ring is a symbol of beauty around the pigeonís neck.

i. Signs of slavery to control your lover.

ii. Love will enslave you in your life.

iii. Should help you have an everlasting loving relationship.




Personal diary.

Historical account of what witnessed during time.
Psychological interpretation for human behavior.
Gives you a picture of luxurious life.
Gives a picture of how women lived at that time.
Provides a rich collection of poetry.

Powerful, profound, and difficult to understand.

Promotes chastity and purity.
Wrote book when in exile.

Both testify to write about love because they had nothing else to do.
Get yourself busy with something in life.

i. Donít get distracted by love if youíre not married.









Falling In Love



Does the lover think that his love can be concealed?

While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing,

Had it not been for love,

You would not have shed tears

At the ruins (of your beloved)







Neglecting the spouse so a divorced is decided upon the situation.

ďO Abbass ! Isnít it amazing how much Mugheeth loves Bareerah and how much Bareerah hates Mugheeth?Ē

i. Prophet (pbuh) tells his uncle Al-Abbass

ii. Took action to help lover by interceding.

iii. Need to help them.




Did not forbid from loving his divorcing spouse.
Love takes people out of character.

i. Does not behave correctly.

ii. People should remain strong.




Surat Al-Room

i. Mystery of Love!

1. Today you are in love.

2. Tomorrow you are not in love anymore.







Falling in Love



1. The Mystery of the ďin-loveĒ case

2. What harms love?

3. Decency or indecency?

4. What is real love?



Love is dynamic so you need be cautious.







What is the standard of Marriage?

Parents
Siblings
Friends

The attachment between man and women.

Physical attraction

i. Sometime this works

ii. This wont last forever




Togetherness experience

i. Man becomes possessive.

ii. Women become possessive.

iii. Would like to be together all the time.




Obsession

i. Where, why, who, when, and what.

ii. Take it easy, be patient.




Illusive love

i. Take your time.

ii. Temporary emotional high

1. Intoxicate with love




True love

i. Begins when the in love syndrome ends.

1. Test is marriage and when it occurs.

a. Welcome to the club.

b. She doesnít see the things the way I do.

i. Different perception from expectations.








Decency or Indecency?

i. Love in the halal.







Things that harm love

Exploitation of Love.

i. If you love me, then do this!




Acts of Disrespect.

i. Words can show your true colors.

ii. Donít mention disrespectful things.

iii. Words, actions, emotions and so. Be Careful.




Slander (Backbite and Gossip)

i. Be careful with the people who exploit emotions.

1. Peer pressure will ruin your marriage.

2. Donít listen to those people.

ii. Most slander comes from family members.



Infidelity and betrayal.

Going on the internet such as haram web sites.
Watching TV
Looking at other women.
If itís haram, donít do it.

Unnecessary separation.

Being away from spouse for a long time.
Never stay away from your wife for a long time.

i. Long period of separation will damage family and relationships.

ii. Book from men are from Mars, women are from Venus.



What is REAL LOVE?



The first love story of ever known in the history of Islam was the love of Rasullah for Aisha, and Marouqh user to call her the love Rasullah.



1. Infidelity in the western family life.

a. July 2004 (Newsweek) Why people cheat?

i. Bored

ii. Hate spouse

b. Why men avoid marriage?

i. Pleasure is available for free.



2. Muslims at the door steps of the western version of Marriage, Why?

a. Delaying Marriage

b. Pre-martial relationship

c. Friend Marriage

d. Divorce rate increasing in society.

e. Pre-arrange marriage which does not work.

f. You have to know this person after consuming the love.

g. Delaying the marriages

i. Cultural

ii. Education





Activity Session:

(25 minutesÖ)

Each group 7 people ŗ new people ŗ



A. Men are scared to get married reasons.



i. Group 1:

a. Parents

b. Education and Employment

c. Best Match

d. Men want freedom longer

e. Society pressure



ii. Group 2:

a. Ignorance

b. Lack of community support

c. Parents

d. Finances

iii. Group 3:

a. Lack of knowledge

b. Parents

c. Expectations too high

d. Traumatic experiences

iv. Group 4:

a. Education

b. Too Picky

c. Financial

d. Family

e. Obligations

v. Group 5

a. Parents

b. Education

c. Financial

d. High Expectations

e. Lack of social events

vi. Group 6:

a. Financial

b. Responsibility

c. Arrange marriage/preference bride

d. Education

e. Western Values

vii. Group 7:

a. Culture

b. Fear

c. Community Pressure

d. Unrealistic expectations

e. Parents

viii. Group 8:

a. Finances

b. Education

c. Parents

d. Right Match

e. Culture





Why women are delaying marriage?





ix. Group 1:

a. High Expectations

b. Bad Experience

c. Fear of confrontation

d. Education

x. Group 2:

a. Self Sufficient (mistrust)

b. Finding someone with Islamic values

c. Culture

d. Not feeling prepared

e. Fear of Marriage

xi. Group 3:

a. Education

b. High Expectations

c. Lack of Islamic Knowledge

d. Culture

e. Fear of Ideal Muslim

xii. Group 4:

a. Need to feel secure

b. Concept of Marriage and all entailments

c. Parents

xiii. Group 5:

a. Culture

b. Generation Gap

c. Ideal match

d. Expectations

e. Stigma of Marriage

xiv. Group 6:

a. High Expectations

b. Not enough resources

c. Can not afford marriage

d. Many married outside the religion.

e. Age defines maturity.

xv. Group 7:

a. Education

b. Culture

c. Experience

d. Not ready responsibility

e. Imitation of non Muslim

xvi. Group 8:

a. Education

b. Responsibility

c. Family

d. No social event to meet people.

e. Lack of understanding of marriage (Islamic)





3. The real Love story.

a. Rasulullaah and Khadeeja

b. Rasulullah and Aaisha

c. Best of Women in Jannah

1. Assia

2. Mariam bint Imran, mother of Isa

3. Khadeeja

4. Fatima

d. Allah sent salaam from angel Gabriel to prophet (pbuh).

e. Died on her chest.





4. Main Concepts of Love Notes:

a. Learn

b. Appreciate

c. Respect

d. Rights

e. Obligations





Chapter 2:



The Earnestness of Love



Surah An-Nissa 4:1



1. Status of Family in Islam

a. Family Life: Basic Principles

i. Treat them kindly like they are your prisoners.

ii. You had intercourse with them lawfully.

iii. Social contract.

iv. Contract between you and other people.

v. New relationships

1. In-laws

2. Children

3. Uncles/Aunts

4. Cousins

5. Grandparents

vi. Faith and family

vii. Selection

1. Responsibility starts before marriage.



b. Structures and Rules

i. Mahar/Dowry

1. Obligations

2. Marriage is permanent union.

ii. Closet fold of marriage

1. Husband wife

2. Children

3. Grandparent

iii. Central fold

1. blood =uncle/aunts nieces/nephews

2. Farther, mother in-law

3. Breastfeeding

iv. Outer fold

1. Cousins and childrenís

2. In-laws

v. Position of Man

1. Supervisor in the family.

2. Man reasonability outside the house.

3. Internal discipline of the family.

vi. Position of the Woman

1. Major responsibility within the family.

2. Oldest woman is the center of the family.





c. The Family and Society

1. Social order.

2. Good Muslims in society.

3. People should commit their life to faith and religion.







2. History of Marriage:



a. Marriage: The Definition

i. Civil Contract between a man and woman (common law marriage).

1. Man loses bachelors degree, woman gains master degree. (metaphor)

ii. ISLAMIC definition: ďA Contract that results in the man and woman living with each other and supporting each other within the limits of what has been laid down for them in terms of rights and obligations.Ē

b. The First Marriage ďAdam & EveĒ

i. They were considered husband and wife in the Quran.

ii. Procreation started on earth, not in jannah.

c. Marriage before Islam

i. Marriage should be a strong covenant.

ii. Allah will hold you accountable for your actions towards your spouse.

1. (Search marriage before Islam on forums.almaghrib.org)

iii. Orthodox Jewish culture uses the same concept as Islam.

iv. Aisha said

1. Barter trade (trade daughter/sister for wife without consent)

2. Contract for group sex. (Intercourse with a group of people)

3. Prostitution

4. Man proposes to lady such as the way in current Islam.

d. Polygamy or Monogamy?

i. Marriage should be monogamous marriage.

1. Adam was married to one wife. ( Allah created one man and woman)

ii. Prophet (pbuh) had more than one wife.

iii. Plural marriage in general, polygamy.

iv. Islam is up to 4 wives.

e. Heterosexuality or Homosexuality?

i. Opposite sex.

ii. Started with the people of Lut.

iii. Heterosexuality is the default norm.



3. Islam and Marriage

a. The messenger of Allah, sal Allahu alayyhi wa sallam said: Ö.ĒAnd I marry women. Therefore, one who shows disinterest in my Sunnah is not from (my true follows)

i. Islam and celibacy

1. Not Islam.

ii. The definition of legal marriage

1. A contract that results in the man and woman living with each others and supporting each other within the limits of what has been laid down for them in terms of rights and obligations.

iii. The purpose of marriage

1. Fulfill desire.

2. Seeking pleasure Prophet (pbuh).

3. Procreation

4. Seeking the intercession of our righteous child.

5. Itís a protection from evil.

6. To free time from responsibility from life.

7. Self struggle. Mujahidrid el Nafs.

iv. The ruling of marriage

1. Wajab; if person has the ability to marry, then marriage is wajab to get married and unlawful acts. (Fornication and Zina and Porn on the Internet)

2. Marriage considered haram in the case of a person who does not have the ability or certain he wonít treat her properly.

3. It becomes mkaruh (diskliked) has the means to marry but feels strongly that he will not treat his wife properly.

4. If the person has the means to marry or doing unlawful if not married, then itís recommended. (mustahab)

5. It is recommended, you will get reward for it.

v. Marriage as an act of worship

1. Iman shafi states that itís not act of worship.

2. Majority scholars state itís an act of worship.

a. Example; Created Adam as a guardian/protector.

b. Command of Prophet (pbuh) to marry and must get married

c. Statement of prophet (pbuh), itís an act of charity.

d. Fulfilling desires in a lawful way, itís reward because itís haalal and lawful manner.





b. Characteristics of a Prospective Spouse

i. Desirable characteristics in a bride.

1. Property

2. Status

3. Beauty

4. Religion

ii. Desirable characteristics in a groom.

1. If somebody comes to you and you are pleased with his character and religion then marry him. If you don not, there will be discord on earth and widespread corruptionĒ

iii. Importanceís of Piety and Righteousness

1. Ėin the bride

a. Character

b. Religion

c. Fertility ŗ Procreation

i. How do you know?

ii. Look at the family.

d. To be maiden.

i. Sets ground for future marriage.

ii. Donít compare relationships/marriage.

e. To be content.

i. Happy with what you have.

f. Beauty

i. In the eye of the beholder.

ii. No specific standard for beauty.

g. Age differences

i. Reasonable age differences.

ii. Itís better for man to marry younger woman and woman to marry older man.

h. Inexpensive dowry.

i. The less the mahar to more barakah in this marriage.

1. Moral value

a. Hajj

b. Quran

2. Financial value

a. Cash

b. Car

c. House

d. Land

3. They will hate wives and in-laws.

ii. Some people put a value on their daughter.

iii. Make it simple and easy.

i. Donít accept a proposal, who does not pray, donít accept marriage.

2. Ėin the groom

a.



















Day 2: Love notes; Islam and Love .



Marriage and Family Life



Selecting a Prospective Spouse



1. Preference of relative or non-relative?

a. Not haram and prophet married zainab.

b. Have advantages when it comes to family marriages.

c. Put preconceive judgments away.



2. Setting up family marriages, is it allowable?

a. Pre-arrange marriages.

i. Made permissible

ii. No specific ruling in Islam.

iii. No marriage should be done by force.

iv. Guardian by force.



3. Engagement by commissioning.

a. Appoints a person to setup an engagement.

b. Have the authority to perform the marriage contract if itís given.



4. Why is dating Haram?

a. It leads to zina.

b. Shaytan sits between a man and women if they are alone.

c. Should be a mahram between them.

i. Age of puberty at least 15 or older and male.

d. What you do during marriage is most important.

e. You have to go and see her and sit with her to ensure marriage last longer.

f. Does not mean that we are promoting blind marriage.



5. Matrimonial services, what is ruling?

a. Itís acceptable as long as itís supervised.

i. Create online forum that facilitates marriage on a local level for all masjids.

ii. Engagement Ring

1. Pagan Customs and practiced under holy church

a. Haram since its done by the name of other than Allahís name. (I.e. the exchanging of the ring) For the woman itís ok but for man.

b. Engagement Ring

c. Wedding Ring

d. Suffer Ring





Procedure in Selecting a Bride:



The role of female family members.

Go to your farther or mother
Friends, peers, cousins.





Direct Proposal to a female, is it allowable?

How should men look for their wives?

i. Parents

ii. Sisters

iii. Itís acceptable to a man to ask for female directly for marriage in Islam.

iv. Itís acceptable for a man to propose to a widow but not directly during the IDA, 4 months and 10 days.



Procedure for a selecting a Groom:





The right of the woman to select her prospective husband.
i. Woman can seek a groom on her own.



Offering ones female family member to a righteous person.
i. Fiqh of Madhab of Abu Hanifa.

ii. Itís acceptable for a father to offer her daughter to a person.



Direct proposal to a man, is it allowable?
i. Woman is allowed to propose to a righteous person.

ii. Culture takes influence and its haram, it needs to be Islamic correct.

iii. Dowry is you help her study and learn the Quran instead of monetary.



Looking at the Opposite Sex:



The ruling on lowering ones gaze.

Men and woman should lower their gaze and guard their modest and not display their beauty and not allowed to remove Hijab.
The eye is the gate to heart.
The eyes are to the gate to the heart that will fill your heart with intruders and viruses. Lower your gaze until youíre ready to get married.
Lowering the gaze for men is more important when it comes to looking at other men.

i. Prophet (pbuh) and Aisha had their cheeks to cheeks when watching the Abyssinia.



Exemptions?

In court
Marriage contract to identify person.
Under age of puberty





Looking at oneís Prospective Bride:





The legal ruling

Itís highly recommended (mustahab).

i. Hadith re-enforces the idea of viewing woman without hijab.



Reason of permissibility

Identify physical attraction and emotional mental attraction.

Condition of permissibility

If you are serious about the marriage proposal, then woman can remove hijab.
The person is allowed to see her before proposal.
Must have intention of marriage of prospective spouse.
There is no time limit, let them talk about everything they want to talk about.

Procedure


Questionable Ways:



Sneak a Peak . NO!
Hidden cameras. NO!
Looking into a picture. NO! Itís not permissible. Itís HARAM! Itís SLANDER!
Looking through the internet (ok with wali). YES!
Being in Privacy without a Mahram. NO!
Being alone in a public place without a mahram. NO!
Setting up a casual situation without her knowledge. YES!
a. If the marriage is Islamic legal, then itís allowable to consummate the marriage. Katib el kitab.



The Consequences of a Marriage Contract:



The kind treatment
The conjugal right Ďenjoying the spouseís person.

The husband has the right.
The wife has the right.
The farther has the right.
Husband is responsible to financially support the wife.
Have the right and halal way to consummate the marriage.

The move to his residence
The dower.

She has the right to ask for the dowry.

Sustenance and spending.

Husband responsibility.
School is the farther responsibility.

The establishment of affinity. (unmarriageable)

Connection from previous marriage and mahram and in-laws.

The verification of the childís lineage.

If she getís pregnant.

The establishment of the inheritance right.
The right of obedience to the husband.

Husband has right to discipline his wife.

The right of husband to chastise his wife.


Chapter 3: Marital Rights

ďAnd women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is exalted in power, wise.Ē Al Baqarah 2:228



Women canít change their last name after marriage so she can keep her identity in Islam.



Gender equity in Islam:



Are men and women equal?

Words of mother Miriam and deliver a female.
Men and women are not equity.

Differences or preferences?

In some areas, men preferred over women. And in other areas women preferred over men.
Women are known for linguistic speaking. Women express her self through words. Men through actions.
Men cut argument short since does not know how to express him self.
Women gets emotional and cryís but still can talk.

The natural differences between man and woman.

Physiological differences
Emotional differences
Neurological differences



Rights and Obligations





Differences of rights or preferences?

Humanity and religion are equal.
We have the right to go jannah or jahnmam.
Right to education.
Right to own property in their name.
The best among you are the best to your family. (pbuh) Prophet Muhammad. First advocate of womanís right.

Rights and obligations in Islamic Law.

Inheritances right.
Guardianship. Not being a tyrant.

Equal rights & obligations between man and woman.
Different rights and obligations between man and woman.




The Rights of Spouses: Mutual Rights





Having the right to enjoy one another.

Men and women have equal rights to each other about sexual relations.

Treating each other in good manners.

Good manners. Donít call wife ďshaytanĒ.

Establishing the right of inheritance.


The rights of the husband.





Obedience
Remaining in the house, and leaving with permission.

Give general with permission.
Exclusive permissions

i. Come from work before get home.



Responding to his call when he calls her to bed.

Recognizing men and womanís need.

i. Need to be prepared for it.



Protecting his house in his absences.

Donít allow anybody in house that he dislikes.

Serving the husband.

Help with house duties and chores to help family.
Matter of custom and tradition.

Protecting his honor, children and wealth.
Being thankful to him
Chastisement

Right to discipline wife according to Quran.
Part of Fiqh of Love class.
Not a matter of beating or abusive.

i. Donít beat wife in awful manner.

ii. Those who use their hands are not good Muslims.



The right of the wife:





Treating her in a kind and good manner.
Teaching her the matters of the religion Ė worship.
Maintaining her chastity.

Right to ask for sex.

Financially maintaining her.

A woman has no right to give her income to husband even if she works. If she wants to work, then she is obligated to contribute to the household.



Sexuality in Islam: What is permissible?















From the life of Rasulullah sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam:



Rewrite Sahi buhkari from Arabic to English. J





Read the story of his wives, family, and legacy of the life of the prophet. (pbuh)

Was a man before a messenger? (pbuh)
His wives were human beings, not angle. Not perfect nature.

i. Wives divided in two rival parties. Not in a harmful way.

1. Lead by Aisha

a. Hafaz

b. Sophia

c. Sawda

2. Lead by Um Salam

a. Rest of wives

3. Gave an oath not to approach his wife sexually for 1 month. MAX is 4 month, its considered divorce.




Examples:

i. Wants to enjoy the time.

ii. Loves Honey so much.

iii. Was in iktikaf and ibada.

iv. Itís allowed to see each other private parts such as showering together.

v. Use to give kiss while he is fasting and then goes to pray.

vi. People expect wives to people to be the most righteous.

vii. Treated your husband kindly is equal to do what men doing for the reward.

viii. Donít be strict with your wives if taking care of husband and family.

ix. Issue of intimacy:





Chapter 4: Marital Discord:



Marriage is about compromise.



1. Definition

2. Nushooz

a. Main aspect of marital discord.

i. Lack of agreement among person (husband/wife).

b. Rising up.

i. Each spouse transgresses and is hostile against each other.

ii. Feels that she is disengaging from the household.

c. Each of spouses has hatred for the other.

i. Treating each other in an improper manner.

ii. Disobey to make a point.

d. Surah Nissa ayah 34 and 128.

What Causes marital discord?



1. The different categories of marriage:

a. Traditional

i. Home maker/housewife

ii. Both believe to care for family, children and house is women responsibility.

iii. Women will not provide income for the house.

iv. Husband brings home the income.

v. If the husband helps around the house, itís a favor.

vi. Not an equal partnership.

vii. Man should not primarily parent.

b. Egalitarian

i. Both work and careers

ii. Not important in regards to parenting, household, and responsibility equally.

iii. Provide income and not sole responsibility for household.

iv. Man has to be active farther and household work.

c. Transitional marriage

i. Man has part of responsibility.

ii. Women has right to provide income.

iii. Women has right to pursue career.

iv. Believe in it but donít practice it.

d. Mixed marriages

i. One partner from overseas but wife is Egalitarian.

1. Green card/ wife.

ii. Man from here/ wife from overseas.

2. Break the silence (dangers of marital discord)



The shaytan is the number reason for marriage discord.



a. Always fight about rights and obligation.

b. Sexual problems

i. Men rate marriage satisfaction with sexual satisfaction.

c. Bargaining issues

i. Feels like living with a prostitute.

ii. Not use sex as a weapon.

d. Financial difficultiesí

i. Different in terms of physical ability.

ii. Give what is enough, what is sufficient.

iii. Believe need to provide for family.

iv. Feel if wives are impendent, need to feel in need.

e. Premarital history

i. Compare to parent/previous spouse

ii. Donít compare yourself to others.

f. Who has the power?

i. Equal distribution of rights.

ii. Man should consult with his wives.

iii. An advice form umm salaama saved the Muslim ummah.

g. Raising child

i. Try to compromise.

h. Bargaining power

i. Marriage should not be based on this mentality.

i. Communication problem.

j. Expectations

i. High expectations

ii. Low expectations

iii. Be realistic

iv. If you like to help, then help.

v. Donít force things each other donít like to do?

k. Children and parenting.

i. Perfectionist

ii. Donít need brand name

l. Gate Keeping

i. Mom wants to raise family.

1. Anxious

ii. Husband work is his job.

1. Thinks its wrong and not your business.

m. Personality

i. Baby Boy husband

1. Oldest need to be taken care of.

2. Need wives around just like mom.

ii. Baby Girl wife

3. Marriage counseling in Islamic Law

4. How to solve the problem?

































Sisters for brothers:

Five loving actions



Group 1:





open communication
appreciative
being thoughtful (always think about her);

Calls saying salam allekium and saying I love you.

Be respectful
Joking around and playful




Group 2:



Protect from parents.
Appreciative even after two years.
To be empathetic (listen to them when they talk).
Showing affection. Holding hands in front of parents.
Take children to give wife alone time.


Group 3:



Have taqwa and fearful of Allah.
Romantic / sensitive
Loving to seek knowledge and implement together
Understanding / forgiving whatever they do.
Help around the house and raise children


Group 4:



Spend quality time

Just before you close door say ďI love youĒ

Help around the house.

Service at home

Implement the Quran and Sunnah in all areas of life.
Share feelings and express feelings.
Getting surprise gifts and being thoughtful.

50 cents chocolate

Group 5:



Quality time
Express feelings
Feeling included in life.
Respectful to me and love ones.
Mutual growth in deen.


Group 6:



Physical affection

Display public affection

Compliments
Interest in your life

Show sympathy

Respect her family
Generous


Group 7:



Love to follow sunnah
Prefer wife over the computer.
Being affectionate and caring.
Being committed farther.
Notice and compliment wife.


Group 8:



Help around house
Respect wife parents
Religious person.
Looking good
Take care of children.


Group 9:



Come home
Help with house work
Spend time together
Praising her/ notice her.




Brothers to sisters:



Group 1:



Help with religious duties
Quality time
Not using weakness, donít nag.
Feed the spouse.

Affection

Simplicity

Not to be materialistic



Group 2:



Beautify yourself
Intimacy
Smile
Playful
Obedient






Group 3:



Warm welcome

Donít nag.

Dressing up nicely at night.
Overlooking faults
Appreciate
Taken the lead in apology.


Group 4:



Satisfying physical needs.
Welcoming attitude.
Showing support on your side
Practicing Muslim
Obedience to husband




Group 5:



Smile
Nice greeting when came home.
Random act of affection.

Spontaneous

Nice prepared meal.
Beautify yourself


Group 6:



Respect parents
Beautify
Comfort/Smile
Encourage good deeds/ibadah
Dealing with kids kindly


Group 7:



Intimacy
Welcoming attitude
Beautify herself
Respect family
Good Food
















Language of Love



ďWe must be willing to Learn our spouses primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. ď



Love after the weddingÖ.





Does marriage kill love?

Marriage should increase love if it was done properly.

Communicating love to your partner.

Understand the language of your spouse

Rationalizing love in martial life

Understand love as an action beyond feelings.
Romantic life does not last longer than 2 years.

i. Fades gradually after children

ii. Have to hang on

iii. Love happens by choice.

1. Compromise, help, adapt to new environment.



Understanding Differences



1. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, by John Gray.

2.

a. When you are talking to wife, you are talking to a WOMAN.

b. When you are talking to husband, you are talking to a MAN.

c. Good understanding

i. Love him little and understand him a lot.

ii. Love her a lot, but donít try to understand her.



3. Understanding the different values

a. Power and authority

i. Obedience

ii. Men need to have that authority

iii. Donít marry a career woman,

1. The man wants to be in charge

2. Denying the man will enter in to hell.

iv. Speed, ability, and results.

v. When man talk, all listen.

vi. When woman talk, all talk and listen.

vii. Donít give instructions.

viii. When woman talk, they get tired, does not get data.

ix. Cheaper to bring a professional.









4. Crisis approach, and coping with stress

a. Men under stress:

i. Turned away from them for one month.

ii. Remained silent.

b. Woman under stress

i. Want to talk.

ii. Give suggestions.

iii. Wants to be in touch.

c. When sister complain, they just want someone to talk to.

d. When man upset, they want to be alone.



5. The power of motivation

a. What motivates men?

i. To feel someone that is need of them.

1. When someone is in extreme need of them, they give a lot but when little, they give little.

ii. If you donít need me, go look for someone else that needs me.

b. What motivate woman?

i. To be cherished.

1. Feel remembered

2. Want to know that you will stay with them forever.

3. Give them assurance.



6. Expressing feelings through different languages.

a. Men express feelings through actions.

i. When men are silent.

b. Women want to hear it, say you love me.

i. Verbal.

ii. Women talk, itís hard to focus.

iii. Women want someone to talk to.

7. Our emotional differences.

a. Men are like rubber bands.

b. Women are like waves.

i. Goes up and down.



Different Languages of Love!





Word of affirmation.

Jazaka Allah khairum is a reward.
Good word is an act of charity.
Surprising Kiss
Avoid judgmental words.
Say I love you from your heart, not just from your heart.
Donít demand, ask for it?
Offer something that is rewarding by words.

Quality time

Undivided attention.
Togetherness
Try not to solve her problem, just sympathize.
Enjoys the journey together.





Receiving gifts

Thoughtful gifts.
Exchange gifts.

i. Itís not the value of the gift.




Most purchase gifts are flowers and post cards with chocolate.
Children give them chocolates.
For wife get flowers.





Acts of service

Help me
Be around
Take kids
Do it on your own accord.
Want equal time to rest.





Physical contact

Kissing

i. Kissing his children.

ii. Kissing wife.

iii. Give her space.

iv. Compromise

v. Donít put too much pressure on them.

vi. Timing

vii. Bodies are made for touching not for abuse.




Public affection

i. Haram

ii. Holding hands is ok

1. Whatever is culturally acceptable?

iii. Have to prove your love.

1. What you do after marriage.





















Sexual intimacy:



Sex in the Quran and the Sunnah.

Is it mentioned?
Yes, when Allah spoke about Adam and Eve.

i. When the man is on top of woman and gets her pregnant.

1. Surah Baqrah 2: They are like fertile ground for you and approach your wife in any position except anal sex which is haram.

2. The prophet stated that anal sex is haram and will be cursed. Sodomy is HARAM. Itís a MAJOR SIN.

3. In the legal place, man approach women from different position. The ansar introduce to them




Forbidden action

i. Intercourse during menstrual period.

ii. Post birth.

iii. It has to be regular blood or period.




All actions are considered halal unless evidence proves haram.

i. Is Oral sex haram or halal?

1. Sunnah of the prophet (pbuh), stated go bite so and so private part.

2. Abu Bakr Sadiq, stated to go and clit.

3. Not of signs of good manner.

4. Oral Sex is permissible. The man to his wife and wife to her husband. Itís not haram.

5. Might not be use to it, take it easy on them.

a. Donít force them in that act.

b. One step at a time.




As long as you take care of extra cleanness.
Mutual masturbation:

i. Man and wife

1. Itís ok and permissible and feels the desire.




Foreplay

i. If a man has intercourse with his wife, donít move quickly. Let your spouse take your time, so give time such as foreplay.

ii. Men should you use the kiss, donít miss the kiss and the thigh.

1. Means to be satisfied before intercourse.

iii. Donít record yourself.

iv. Using mirrors, changing colors, candles, fantasize about it and they dress and the way they behave.

v. Role play is acceptable as long as they both agree on that.

vi. You can use profanity when youíre having intercourse, itís acceptable.




During Hajj is not acceptable.
Fantasy is ok.
Itís acceptable to rub against each other when on period.
The Abdel Aziz ibn Baz about oral sex.





Final Advice



How to win the heart of your wife?

How to win the heart of your husband?



Read Sahi Buhkari or Sahi Muslim



Make the Sunnah of the prophet part of your life.

Give time to your spouse.

Exchanging gifts

If youíre not married, go buy chocolate to your sister.

Have one day exclusively for the whole family and a few hours for the family a week.

Donít make it a routine.





Umar ibn Khatab invented eighteen wise maxims for the people, among them in the following:











Hateful actions

Brothers towards the sisters

Group 1:



Not giving personal space
Denying intimacy
Comparing and complaining
Being suspicious
Not compliant to traditional values
Group 2:



Nagging
Disobey Allah
Putting me down
Not dress Islamic hijab
Slander
Group 3:



Donít nag
Donít compete with mom.
Donít spend excessively.
Five minutes means five minutes. (time management)
Donít be possessive






Group 4:



Mistrust the husband
Taking stresses out on husband. (should be welcoming)
Extreme house keeping or too dirty.
Disrespect husband
Bad comments about husband family.
Group 5:



Temper
Silent treatment
Not giving space
Being pushy
Nagging
Group 6:



Poor housewife.
Disobedient
Screaming at kids
Temper
Denying herself sexually.
Group 7:



Talking bad about in-laws
Not solving problems among couples
Doing things without knowledge.


Sisters think hateful actions from brothers



Group 1:



Short temper
TV, Internet
Not validating feelings
Comparing spouse to others
Being ego-centric
Group 2:



Giving priority to his family
Come home late.
Hiding the truth.
Delaying to fulfill his promise on purpose.
Praise other wives actions in front spouse.


Group 3:



Abuse
Negligence
Exploitation
Pride






Group 4:



Too much time to computer.
Being careless
Noticing what they do and not what you do.
Afraid to display affection in private.
Group 5:



Verbal abuse and
lying
arrogant
controlling
bad hygiene
Group 6:



Not communicating.
Controlling
Ignoring family and spouse
Too stingy in money and in time.
Not cleaning up after self.
Group 7:



Silent treatment
Family preference over wife.
Not appreciating wife.
Understanding difficult times in womanís life.
Ignoring the Sunnah.
Group 8:



Disobey Allah
Donít communicate
Bring stress from outside
Inconsiderate
Walk away during argument.
Group 9:



Leaving bathroom mess
Criticisms wife family.
Cutting off wife from family and parents.
Blaming wife for mistreatment of children.
When he interrupts her.


Always give feedback, just listen.



http://www.muslimphilosophy.com/hazm/dove/ringdove.html#ch1



















Questions on Exam:











Write about the contribution of Muslim scholars and their scholarly works to the ďTheory of LoveĒ.
What is the ruling of love in Islam? How was it mentioned in the Quran and Sunnah? What lessons do we learn from that?
Rights and obligations are the most disputable area in a martial life.
How did Islam organize it between a husband and wife?

Abdur Rahman Mirza
01-13-2007, 09:16 PM
assalamu 'alaikum,

jazakallah khairan bay area, abdur rehman "aqeedah" from new york thanks you, and insha-Allah, we can have a better review for the class of love notes coming here in a a month and a half...

may Allah reward you greatly, brother or sister who posted the notes...

Wassalam,

Abdur-Rehman

SB0926
02-11-2008, 11:08 PM
Jazak Allahu Khayrun for these notes!

Harris Khan
02-19-2008, 01:53 AM
JazakAllah Khair