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View Full Version : Banu-Salaam Love Notes Gems!! (POST HERE)


ibn abu omer
11-10-2006, 10:45 PM
Aite banu-salaam post all of your amazing gems from the class here inshallah!!!


It is late for me, so I shall post mine tommorrow inshallah :)

ibn abu omer
11-10-2006, 10:47 PM
Can the moderators make this a sticky so everyone can see?

Raniah
11-10-2006, 11:25 PM
Come on Banu Salaam! Post your GEMS here....as I was looking on the sisters GEM board today, it was pretty empty

I say we start a competition to see who can post the most GEMs--the bros or the sisters....

Here we go-
According to Ibn Hazm, contrary to popular belief "opposites" DONT attract...



Will add more tomorrow insha'allah....

ibn abu omer
11-11-2006, 08:24 AM
This was taken from the brothers boards in the classroom

"A man can still fall in love with a computer" -Shaykh Yaser

We seek Allah (swts)'s Refuge from this!!

Raniah
11-11-2006, 09:42 AM
Since beauty is in the eye's of the beholder--people need to stop trying to conform to society's expectations of what beauty is.



Rather they should be thankful for the unique "beautiful" image that has been given to them by Allah. As ALlah says in the Quran in Surat alTeen:

لَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْإِنسَانَ فِي أَحْسَنِ تَقْوِيمٍ




P.S. WHERE ARE YOUR GEMS BANU SALAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!?!?!?!?!

Raniah
11-11-2006, 03:16 PM
If you're looking to marry the perfect person, then expect to stay unmarried. You will only find that in heaven. Therefore, look for the right match, rather than the perfect match.

ibnabeeomar
11-11-2006, 10:06 PM
man is the head of the house, but the woman is the neck that turns the head

ibnabeeomar
11-11-2006, 10:14 PM
the letter sheen indicates something intense that spreads out, like shams (sunlight), shajarah (tree - its shade), shaytaan

every letter in arabic coneys a specific meaning

dhulfiqhar
11-11-2006, 10:55 PM
Love is like the stock market. You have highs, lows and sometimes it crashes.

ibn abu omer
11-11-2006, 11:01 PM
"Love is not something that we control, what we control is the steps, our gaze and all the actions that lead to or come after this feeling of love"

dhulfiqhar
11-11-2006, 11:02 PM
Computers and the internet are the modern day concubines of man :-).

ibn abu omer
11-11-2006, 11:04 PM
"Most people are looking for perfect match, but the right match will inshallah be the perfect match"

ibnabeeomar
11-11-2006, 11:08 PM
girls dont think theres enough practicing brothers, and the brothers think they have so many choices that they should play the field :)

dhulfiqhar
11-11-2006, 11:15 PM
There were tribes of people who used to fall in love and then die

dhulfiqhar
11-11-2006, 11:16 PM
Insane people can write some deep poetry :-)

ibnabeeomar
11-11-2006, 11:42 PM
Insane people can write some deep poetry :-)haha i just figured out who you were.

another gem:
question to imam shafi'ee: did iblees marry?
imam shafi'ee: that's one wedding i didn't attend

Bint-Abdirahman
11-12-2006, 12:01 AM
Marriage can be haram, makruh, mustahab, or wajib depending on the circumstances.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-12-2006, 12:02 AM
the hadith that says "women are deficient in their intellect" is a gross mistranslation and actually means that men and women have different perceptions and will not always see things in the same way

Raniah
11-12-2006, 03:48 PM
The qualities that women love to have in their husbands are very different than those that men expect/like.


For the men:
"Ex: Instead of saying, "Are those new shoes? How much did they cost you?"

Say: "Are those new shoes? How CUTE!""
--Sh. Yaser

Shawn83
11-13-2006, 08:21 AM
a thoughtful gift and a little understanding can go a long way!

Shawn83
11-13-2006, 08:22 AM
women can be like roler coasters and men can be like water falls.

Shawn83
11-13-2006, 08:24 AM
women can propose to men!

Shawn83
11-13-2006, 08:26 AM
which comment will make one more successful

new shoes= cute
new shoes= no more credit cards

dhulfiqhar
11-13-2006, 08:58 AM
To die of love is martyrdom.

dhulfiqhar
11-13-2006, 09:57 AM
Our Prophet (saw) was involved/egged on his wives in a food fight.

dhulfiqhar
11-13-2006, 09:58 AM
if you follow a sister to a house and make sure its her house before asking the man of the house for her hand in marriage :-) [funny story]

Sirius1
11-13-2006, 10:26 AM
To die of love is martyrdom.
Is this really true?

ibnabeeomar
11-13-2006, 10:33 AM
Is this really true?i cant remember the reference exactly but i will check my notes, but yes i do remember shaykh yaser mentioning that.

another gem: sometimes a small thoughtful gift like cheap chocolate from walgreens can be worth more than a lexus

dhulfiqhar
11-13-2006, 10:43 AM
What I understood from Shaykh Yaser (please correct me if this is incorrect) is that if someone has a love for someone that is forbidden. Ex. married sister in love with a married man or vice versa, or a sister in love with a non-Muslim etc. and they keep this love inside them for the sake of Allah (i.e. not taking action on the feelings) and they die because of grief etc, then some scholars believe this would be considered a type of martyrdom.

**Someone correct me if this is an incorrect understanding**

Bint-Abdirahman
11-13-2006, 02:01 PM
In celibacy marriage if the Husband and wife have relations it voids the celibacy contract and the father of the girl has the right to turn over all the financial responsibilities of the girl to her husband.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-13-2006, 02:03 PM
If the wife wants continue her education after marriage the costs associated with it are her responsibility not the husbands unless they make it a part of the marriage contract that he will pay for her education.

Sirius1
11-13-2006, 04:01 PM
What I understood from Shaykh Yaser (please correct me if this is incorrect) is that if someone has a love for someone that is forbidden. Ex. married sister in love with a married man or vice versa, or a sister in love with a non-Muslim etc. and they keep this love inside them for the sake of Allah (i.e. not taking action on the feelings) and they die because of grief etc, then some scholars believe this would be considered a type of martyrdom.

**Someone correct me if this is an incorrect understanding**
Jazakallah for sharing this.

Ahmed Ali
11-13-2006, 05:49 PM
Our children are growing up here and heading towards a different path.

They only pick up the spices and shalwaar kamees from us!!

Ahmed Ali
11-13-2006, 05:55 PM
Most of our communities prefer to shove our problems under the carpet, including leadership, bathrooms, etc. This includes all the marital problems too.

They keep shoving all this stuff under the carpet until it EXPLODES

we really really need to talk about these problems in the open, in the halal way, to work to make positive changes

Ahmed Ali
11-13-2006, 05:59 PM
What do we think of when we think of the local imam?

Rigid, tough, unsmiling, harsh, etc.

Yet THE imam , Rasool Allah SallaAllahu alaihi wa sallam was human and enjoyable, kind and generous, patient, forbearing, and friendly

Ahmed Ali
11-13-2006, 06:04 PM
Pronounce the word "hubb" (love)

It looks like a kiss

Ahmed Ali
11-13-2006, 06:08 PM
Imam as-Sanaani (not sure of his full name) said:

The intercessor who comes to you well-dressed is not like .... If you missed this gem, you missed a big one. If you were there, you know why I'm not writing the rest of it!

Ahmed Ali
11-13-2006, 06:14 PM
the letter sheen indicates something intense that spreads out, like shams (sunlight), shajarah (tree - its shade), shaytaan

every letter in arabic coneys a specific meaning
ق qaaf is harf al-istiqaamah - superiority and power

examples:
قلم qalam: a signature can destroy a country
قوة quwwa: strength

ح Ha - comes from the throat, deep in the throat
love chokes people in the throat

Also, ح sounds like a sigh, a sigh of love.

حَب: in the core, love needs to be in the core
حَبَّة: a seed; when love is planted, it should provide fruits

also, i have these notes but i didn't catch the arabic:
- Must have purity and sincerity when you love someone
- Love should be high in life and be permanent

The book on this type of info is مقاييس اللغة by ابن فارس

ibn abu omer
11-13-2006, 09:14 PM
Could the admins of the board PLEASE activate the new accounts for many of our banu-salaam people, many of their accounts have not been activated. As a result the board is depirved of their gems.

jazzakamullahu khair

Bint-Abdirahman
11-14-2006, 03:48 AM
Men are more obligated than women to lower their gaze

Bint-Abdirahman
11-14-2006, 03:50 AM
If a husband gets a 2nd wife the 1st wife can leave him; but the 2nd wife cannot ask him to divorce the 1st one.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-14-2006, 03:53 AM
Men wait till their marriage is in serious trouble before they try to fix it, but women try to fix the problem at the first sign of trouble. e.g: Men wait till their gas tank is on empty before they fill it up, but women will fill it up as soon as it gets to the half marker.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-14-2006, 03:55 AM
Men miss the best moments in their relationship when they fall asleep while thier wives are talking to them.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-14-2006, 04:01 AM
when you take the trash out for your wife you are showing her that you love her.

p.s. brothers don't forget to put a new bag in the trash can.

bakher
11-14-2006, 04:24 AM
Higher the status of the wali is better for the marriage

bakher
11-14-2006, 04:25 AM
Deen should always override the culture.

bakher
11-14-2006, 04:32 AM
Love and Mercy are the 2 important factor of Marriage

bakher
11-14-2006, 04:34 AM
True love begins when in-love come to end.

bakher
11-14-2006, 04:36 AM
The word HUBB in Arabic - the letter "haa" comes from the inside the throat and the letter "baa" comes from lips
HAA:
-Love chokes people
-Sighing
BAA:
-coming from lips/kissing/outside

Hoorbano
11-14-2006, 05:47 AM
Allah will not hold you accountable for your feelings, but He will hold you accountable for your actions- this is the MERCY of Allah SWT

Hoorbano
11-14-2006, 05:49 AM
When a man and a woman go to the grocery store, the man looks at his watch and says "okay you go here and get the bread, and I'll go there and get the milk, then we can meet at the cash register", while the woman stands there and is concerned about spending the time with the man instead of thinking about the fastest way to finish grocery shopping

Hoorbano
11-14-2006, 05:53 AM
It is generally true that men don't talk about thier problems and want to solve everything on thier own; a good example of this is when the Rasool SAWS was upset with his wives who were asking him for more money, he refrained himself for a month and took refuge in a Masjid. Finally he returned after 29 days, and Aisha (RA) said it hasn't been a month yet, and the Rasool (SAWS) pointed out that this month has 29 days, she then told him to go back to the Masjid if he enjoyed it so much.

banafsaji
11-14-2006, 07:17 AM
A husband and a wife's relationship is like a rubberband. When he gets upset, he NEEDS HIS SPACE. The woman shouldn't follow, or else he won't snap back with full potential, he'll just keep running away.

LADIES. your man does NOT need to "talk it out." he'll come back to you perfectly normal after he gets some cool down time.

banafsaji
11-14-2006, 07:19 AM
In the case of a woman being upset.

Husband: Whats wrong?
Wife: Nothing.
Husband: *shrug* okay.

He then believes that she needs space, and leaves the immediate vicinity. Women do not need SPACE when they're upset. They need for you to try and find out whats wrong and fix it, however hard that may be.

banafsaji
11-14-2006, 07:23 AM
A man can marry up to four wives, and none of them have to know about the existance of the other one. He doesn't even need to ask permission of any of his wives. However, if he wishes to keep the peace in his house, he'll tell the other wives.

Guys: Monogamy is the way to go. Do you REALLY think ya'll will be able to handle one woman let alone four?

dhulfiqhar
11-14-2006, 07:41 AM
It is generally true that men don't talk about thier problems and want to solve everything on thier own; a good example of this is when the Rasool SAWS was upset with his wives who were asking him for more money, he refrained himself for a month and took refuge in a Masjid. Finally he returned after 29 days, and Aisha (RA) said it hasn't been a month yet, and the Rasool (SAWS) pointed out that this month has 29 days, she then told him to go back to the Masjid if he enjoyed it so much.
Did the Shaykh say he secluded himself in the Masjid or did he say the second floor/roof of his house?

banafsaji
11-14-2006, 07:46 AM
he had a room in his house on the 2nd floor, with stairs leading down towards the masjid.

Im pretty sure thats it...someone correct me if im wrong.

shaz_mc_raz
11-14-2006, 08:10 AM
If a man or woman has genuine intention for marriage and proposal he or she can look at her or him in a casual way to identify the person

dhulfiqhar
11-14-2006, 08:13 AM
If a man or woman has genuine intention for marriage and proposal he or she can look at her or him in a casual way to identify the person
Just make sure they are available,,,you don't want to by eyeing a married sister/brother http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon10.gif

ibnabeeomar
11-14-2006, 08:14 AM
he had a room in his house on the 2nd floor, with stairs leading down towards the masjid.

Im pretty sure thats it...someone correct me if im wrong.this was what i had in my notes as well.


if a woman wants to make it a condition in her contract to keep her husband from taking a second wife, she should become hanbali :D

ibnabeeomar
11-14-2006, 08:15 AM
btw coming very soon inshallah we will post up the gems from the gemboards in class!

SundaR
11-14-2006, 08:34 AM
A marriage is the only time known where a man loses his Bachelor's and a woman gains her Master's.

SundaR
11-14-2006, 08:40 AM
Before she leaves the house you should grab her hand and say "honey...i'll miss you."


*faints* I think every girl in the audience melted when the shaykh said this! *faints again*

dhulfiqhar
11-14-2006, 09:15 AM
Yes, and every brother in the class (except a few) said 'yeah right!' http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon7.gif

AllegraLeigh
11-14-2006, 10:16 AM
Love and Mercy are the wings of marraige, without it the marraige can not fly!!

SundaR
11-14-2006, 10:19 AM
Yes, and every brother in the class (except a few) said 'yeah right!' http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon7.gif
Gosh. You guys should learn from the Shaykh. :-D

SundaR
11-14-2006, 10:31 AM
yea theres a reason he's teaching this class. =-)

Al-Nur
11-14-2006, 10:53 AM
Men were given the obedience of Women to fulfill there egos!

Al-Nur
11-14-2006, 11:01 AM
Yes, and every brother in the class (except a few) said 'yeah right!' http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon7.gif
The wives of the few that did agree are probably the most content!

The Prophet (SAW) knew when his wives were satisfied.

kamuzrana
11-14-2006, 11:03 AM
when you want to build a house, the first image that comes to mind is the house already built, not the blueprint (the process to build the house). This is how it is with love/marriage.

we think of how great it is going to be, but not way about how to make it great.

salaam
k

AllegraLeigh
11-14-2006, 12:22 PM
Yeah you don't want to be looking at her and see a kid run up to her like "mommy mommy!!"...

kamuzrana
11-14-2006, 12:43 PM
spouses, ie men and women

COMPLETE not COMPETE

AllegraLeigh
11-14-2006, 03:41 PM
I'm curious why when brothers are interested in sisters they don't let them know immediately. Why do they wait and wait? Why do they never let thme know? What exactly is stopping them? Like the story about the guy on the bus. He could have saved himself a lot of trouble and just said something directly to the sister. I've heard that sometimes men are intimidated and they just don't know what to say. I mean is it that whole linguistic thing. Can someone help me with this?

shaz_mc_raz
11-14-2006, 04:13 PM
One thing that exploits marriage is "conditional love"

wife: "if you love me you will take out the trash"
husband: *confused look* "what does that have to do with me loving you?"

shaz_mc_raz
11-14-2006, 04:15 PM
About the "honey, i will miss you"...i would definately come home right away, or just not go to the party if my husband said that to me.. and MEANT it! The Shaykh really could teach these brothers a thing or 2.. or 10

Hoorbano
11-14-2006, 06:45 PM
be smart, manipulate them, blackmail them with your love :)

Hoorbano
11-14-2006, 06:49 PM
Allegra- I think the reason why men are afraid to say something is fear of rejection, and also because men have a hard time expressing their feelings, whether its happiness or sorrow, remember even the Prophet SAWS took refuge from his wives for 29 days because he was upset with them!

Hoorbano
11-14-2006, 06:54 PM
Shaykh telling us a story in class about what makes women happy...

The Husband calls and asks "what's for dinner?" The woman replies " I didn't make anything today, I'm really tired ....", the husband replies "It's okay honey, I'll pick something up.."

and all the sister's in the class say "awwwwwwwwww"...see how little it takes to make us women happy....!!!!

And yes this class is being taught for a reason!!!! :)

banafsaji
11-14-2006, 09:04 PM
i think the girls are beating the guys AGAIN in posting gems. and now you cant use "we post em up online" as an excuse. i think the brothers need to recruit...

shaz_mc_raz
11-15-2006, 12:54 AM
yea, i see the same ole ppl in here! cmon!

dhulfiqhar
11-15-2006, 08:06 AM
i think the girls are beating the guys AGAIN in posting gems. and now you cant use "we post em up online" as an excuse. i think the brothers need to recruit...Insha'Allah in a few days we will post all the gems from gem boards on both the brothers and sisters. If we see any good ones on the sister's boards, we may claim them as ours also :-).

Actually you don't see many brothers here because there a lot of other threads going on in the forums. You should try to participate in other threads, not related to Love Notes or Banu Salaam.

Jazak Allah Khairs to Shaykh Yaser
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18316

Notes for Love Notes:
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18320

Trying to get AlMaghrib webcams to Atlanta:
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18282

Defending our Qabeelah from attacks from the North
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=17783

Commenting on new classes
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18296

Mabrooking new Qabeelahs
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18321

You could say we are doing Banu Salaam PR on the forums http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon7.gif

Al-Nur
11-15-2006, 09:37 AM
Jihad for women is to be kind to her husband.

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:55 AM
Insha'Allah in a few days we will post all the gems from gem boards on both the brothers and sisters. If we see any good ones on the sister's boards, we may claim them as ours also :-).

Actually you don't see many brothers here because there a lot of other threads going on in the forums. You should try to participate in other threads, not related to Love Notes or Banu Salaam.

Jazak Allah Khairs to Shaykh Yaser
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18316

Notes for Love Notes:
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18320

Trying to get AlMaghrib webcams to Atlanta:
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18282

Defending our Qabeelah from attacks from the North
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=17783

Commenting on new classes
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18296

Mabrooking new Qabeelahs
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18321

You could say we are doing Banu Salaam PR on the forums http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon7.gifhaha you know.. i was just thinking about the economic impact almaghrib was having on the companies that we all work day jobs for ;)

ibn abu omer
11-15-2006, 10:16 AM
haha you know.. i was just thinking about the economic impact almaghrib was having on the companies that we all work day jobs for ;)

there will be barakah in our work inshallah :)

Bint-Abdirahman
11-15-2006, 11:22 AM
Women want their husbands to listen and care about what they are saying and men just think they are nagging.

dhulfiqhar
11-15-2006, 01:59 PM
Jihad for women is to be kind to her husband.
Is that from the class? I don't remember that one

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 02:19 PM
Is that from the class? I don't remember that onemen don't listen was another gem :p

dhulfiqhar
11-15-2006, 02:45 PM
you mean selective listening http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon10.gif [aka. auto nag filter = on]

Hoorbano
11-15-2006, 08:51 PM
it's plain and simple, the sisters are always ahead of the brothers :)

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:00 PM
#1 reason for delaying marriages: Parents

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:01 PM
most of ibn hazm's teachers were women

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:02 PM
a book will never shine until it becomes dark (ie from all your notes in it)

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:02 PM
coal in one hand, and ice in the other can have the same effect - i.e. opposites attract.

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:03 PM
"Love is neither disapproved by religion, nor prohibited by the law; for every heart is in Allah's Hands" -ibn Hazm

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:04 PM
don't be deceived by your temporary emotions

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:06 PM
The prophet(saw) died in the arms of his beloved, Aisha(ra)

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:07 PM
even nonpracticing parents take their kids to sunday school :)

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:08 PM
islam allows polygyny, not polygamy

also, default of man is monogamy, when Allah created Adam, He created him with one mate, not many

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:08 PM
dating industry = $$$ from lost souls

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:09 PM
if a brother wants to marry a woman like a sahabiyyah, he should be a prophet

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:10 PM
more authority = more responsibility

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:11 PM
marriage shouldn't kill love, it should increase it
-ibn al-Qayyim

ibnabeeomar
11-15-2006, 09:53 PM
shaykh yaser: are men and women equal in humanity?
(no answer)
(what do you mean by humanity)
shaykh yaser: well they're human right? or are women demons or something?

shaz_mc_raz
11-16-2006, 08:58 AM
"Love is neither disapproved by religion, nor prohibited by law, for every heart is in Allah's hands!"
- IMAM ibn hazm al-andalusee

That is possibly one of my favorite quotes now..
and umm.. i had a questiion. how will we knw if banu salaam has become an official qabeelah?

dhulfiqhar
11-16-2006, 09:38 AM
" i had a questiion. how will we knw if banu salaam has become an official qabeelah?
Insha'Allah we will let you know either today or tomorrow by email. Are you on our email list?

AllegraLeigh
11-16-2006, 11:52 AM
#1 reason for delaying marriages: Parents
The number one reason for women was lack of practicing Muslim men. Before there is ever an issue with the parents, there is the man.

AllegraLeigh
11-16-2006, 11:55 AM
I'm curious how many people believe Ibn Hazm's viewpoint on soulmates. I know in class some people (myself included) were timid about raising their hands. But afterwards a lot of people were like they agreed.

AllegraLeigh
11-16-2006, 11:56 AM
I hope we become a Qabeelah because now I really want to take the Fiqh of Love seminar.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 12:40 PM
Asalaamu Alaykum

WOW MashaAllah 11 pages GREAT JOB BANU SALAAM!! Keep it Up. InshaAllah I will start posting the gems from our Gem Boards, I've been going through them and as always the sisters have some really great stuff 2 1/2 boards. I wonder who will have the highest marks on the exams brothers or sisters???????????

ibnabeeomar
11-16-2006, 01:14 PM
I hope we become a Qabeelah because now I really want to take the Fiqh of Love seminar.if we get another class it probably won't be fiqh of love since its too close to the class we just had. but if you really want fiqh of love you can email info @ emanrush.com they have the actual double weekend fiqh of love seminar on CD's.

please join the banu salaam email list if you haven't already www.banu-salaam.org and you will be kept up to date on new classes, qabeelah status, etc.

bakher
11-16-2006, 03:23 PM
Monogamy is default marriage.

bakher
11-16-2006, 03:25 PM
if we get another class it probably won't be fiqh of love since its too close to the class we just had. but if you really want fiqh of love you can email info @ emanrush.com they have the actual double weekend fiqh of love seminar on CD's.

please join the banu salaam email list if you haven't already www.banu-salaam.org (http://www.banu-salaam.org/) and you will be kept up to date on new classes, qabeelah status, etc.

Brother we need other classes related to Aqeedah, Rizq Mgmt. Too Much love also bad :)

Wasalaam
Bakher

AllegraLeigh
11-16-2006, 03:46 PM
I'll probably go to any seminar they offer.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:22 PM
GEMS FROM THE BOARDS!
Brothers gems first inshaAllah. Plz forgive me if some get repeated its a bit hard to keep track of everything thats been posted so far.

Love defined:the irresistable desire to be irresistably desired.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:24 PM
Falling in love is a essentiall part of life.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:25 PM
Fathers cannot force daughters into marriage

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:28 PM
Nikkah has two meanings in the Qur'an: Marriage contract or actual physical act, This could cause possible confusion b/w Arab and desi ppl. desis say no martial relations till actual shadi night.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:30 PM
" They don't get it, believe me." : shaykh showing the true power women can possess over men.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:31 PM
A man can fall in love with a computer

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:31 PM
Most people ise conditional love, they blackmail each other.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:33 PM
Some Ulema say Adam (as) was more handsome than Yusuf (as) others say Yusuf was more handsome.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:37 PM
Upon consummation of marriage , the women may demand dowry not before that.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:42 PM
Playing with food at times is ok!

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:42 PM
Forgetting is the best way to get over a lost love.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:47 PM
Men are more obligated than women to lower their gaze.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:48 PM
The prophet (saw) was a balanced human being, his relationship with his wives was one to marvel at.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:49 PM
Having the possibility of looking at the prospective spouse is GREAT!

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:51 PM
Rulings on marriage i.e. the categorization was simple, practical and informative.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:52 PM
The foundation of Family starts with the selection of a good husband/wife.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 05:53 PM
Before someone can love another person, they must work on loving Allah (SWT) and His messenger (saw).

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 06:33 PM
Earning wife does not have to give money to husband, her priorities are to her mother, father and children.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 06:38 PM
SISTERS GEMs
Al-Ghazaali: "Love is one of Allah's (SWT) creations." therefore treat it like one!

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 06:39 PM
Love lies with the Hands of Allah (SWT) so put your trust in Allah.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 06:45 PM
A sister wrote: " As a revert I always appreciate and reflect on the ayat mentioning "mercy + love" as it differs drastically from the western "love" only views of marriage. Calling attention to the idea that in Surah Rum Allah (swt) counts this amongst his ayah of creation was a very important highlight.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 06:47 PM
The Ring of the DSove: ring=adornment=beautiful, ring on the doves neck=enslavement
Ring of the dove a beautiful enslavement to love.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 06:49 PM
A sister can propose to a Righteous man.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 06:50 PM
Love initially happens by choice and once your in love it becomes by force.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 06:54 PM
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" everyone’s eyes see differently & likewise everyone’s beauty is unique. Therefore, we should stop trying to conform to society’s standard of beauty and accept what has been given to us from Allah (SWT)

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 06:59 PM
Mercy and love are wings that hold a relationship high, if one of those wings breaks away everything will come crashing down!

ibnabeeomar
11-16-2006, 07:59 PM
everyone check this out:
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18369

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 09:45 PM
Use love as a verb not a noun.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 09:46 PM
Islam was a true mercy for women.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 09:46 PM
Practice the sunnah in all you do, and everything will work out for you.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 09:51 PM
Engagement is a promise not a done deal.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 09:52 PM
The word HUB makes the lips shape like a kiss which is the symbol of love.

Bint-Abdirahman
11-16-2006, 10:02 PM
Islam gives everyone their rights at the same time define ones responsibility. This promotes strength in the family, neighborhood, city, & nation. This is what makes the muslim community superior.

dhulfiqhar
11-17-2006, 10:12 PM
http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon10.gif The first Disco ball in history was invented by the Muslims in Spain.http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon6.gif

Hoorbano
11-21-2006, 03:30 PM
When 2 people are engaged, they're not in a contract and he is not her mehram yet

asyed03
11-24-2006, 01:36 AM
Marriage is not only based on love, it also runs on mercy.

Nazish Mithaiwala
11-25-2006, 04:57 PM
Husband: "I paid *insert large sum of money* for you and this is what i get?!?!?!
Lesson: The lower the dowry price the more barakah in the marriage.

Nazish Mithaiwala
11-25-2006, 05:19 PM
Number one reason for marital discord = Shaytan.

dhulfiqhar
12-02-2006, 09:45 PM
If you want to double up on your studying, we are holding a study session at Al-Farooq Masjid @ 7:00am on Sunday Dec 3, 2006. The session should last until 9:30am. Our Ameer is conducting this session.

This is a brothers study session. To find out about sister study sessions email sisters@banu-salaam.org or for other brother sessions info@banu-salaam.org.

alasabri
12-10-2006, 09:24 PM
we'r getting much closer to the exam any one have the love notes seminar notes and willing to post it, i'm sure we all took diffrent notes, i think i saw somewhere in the forums some one will take care of this, i can't find it any helpppppppppppppppppppppppp pleaseeeeeee.

dhulfiqhar
12-11-2006, 08:19 AM
we'r getting much closer to the exam any one have the love notes seminar notes and willing to post it, i'm sure we all took diffrent notes, i think i saw somewhere in the forums some one will take care of this, i can't find it any helpppppppppppppppppppppppp pleaseeeeeee.
We have a thread for the exam going at: http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=18320

We are also have been having study sessions throughout Atlanta last few weeks. You should have gotten an email from brothers@banu-salaam.org or sisters@banu-salaam.org regarding, if you signed up with us.

You should contact the emails above to hook you up to a study group.

abuyahya
12-16-2006, 12:10 AM
Manshallah, i like that metaphore

abuyahya
12-16-2006, 12:11 AM
man is the head of the house, but the woman is the neck that turns the headManshallah, i like that metaphore

Bint-Abdirahman
01-04-2007, 01:48 PM
Date: Sunday January 7th, 2007
Location: Dar-un-Noor School @ Al-Farooq Masjid (http://www.alfarooqmasjid.org (http://www.alfarooqmasjid.org/))
Timings: 11:00am to 1:00pm
Contact: salaam.exam/at/almaghrib.org (for deferrals contact deferral/at/almaghrib.org)

Love Notes Exam Cram Session:

Insha'Allah our fearless Ameer will conduct the last study session on Saturday January 6, 2007 @ 10:00am @ Masjid Al-Hedaya (http://www.icmga.org/). The study session is open to both brothers & sisters (Insha'Allah appropriate arrangements will be made). Don't miss this opportunity to ace the exam.

kareemah
01-04-2007, 09:41 PM
Assalaamu Alaikum:

I was hesitant for some time to post because they seemed so unorganized and I was concerned they might be confusing. I think Br Ahmad's questions are the best and some answers to these are in my notes. However, at your urging I've makred what I can remember was questionable in red. email me if you need the Word format.


and here they are Bismillah..





11/06 Bismillah ArRahman ArRaheem





LOVE NOTES – NOVEMBER, 2006 ATLANTA – SHEIKH YASSER BIRJAS





Notes in red are questionable – meaning I wasn’t clear on what was said, it was too fast for me to type, couldn’t follow the Arabic, other errors etc….



Notes in aqua are somewhat uncertain or incomplete






http://www.ghazali.org/site/volpg.htm (http://www.ghazali.org/site/volpg.htm) - Link to English Kitab AnNikah – Scroll to Works in Progress #6 English Translation







Day 1

Ibn Hazm

Healings of the Soul

Tawk Al Hamamah – The Ring of the Dove



Different to speak about “love” as a topic in the masjid. “taboo” Not talking about it” “Shameful”

Conservative parents vs growing up in a culture where IT is the focus

Cross culture marriges – Muslim American Culture

Results in delayed marriage

Men – financial status (stable, PhD)

Ladies- get a degree to be secure if divorce



Divorce rate increased – role model from media



Course Goal and Objectives – see table of contents


Bridge gap old-young: most communities ignore problems including marrige
Make a difference
Learn the sunnah

Not focus on contract but spirit
?
Family life
Selecting a spouse
Rights of spouse
Problems – sources
Maintaining love





The Faqeeh of Love

http://www.muslimphilosophy.com/#people (http://www.muslimphilosophy.com/#people) – link from al-Maghib to Ibn Hazm’s book in English



Example of Imam that was an expert in the rulings on love.

Only book fully translated into English


Developed a Mathaab known as Al-Hazmeeyah
Great grandfather migrated from Persia – contrary to the English version of the book which indicates he is a convert
Grew up in a palace – rich, political, women present frequently
Women taught him Arabic, calligraphy to name a few things until he was 16 – tribute to woman at that time
Knon as a minister in the government – joined the Ummaiyyads (such as in today’s politics). Ummaiyyads vs Banu Hamood family fighting
Known as Masoo’ah (What is this word?) - like an encyclopedia

Islamic Sciences book
Psychology Madawaat Al-Mafooth (?book)
Wrote 400 voumes in his own handwriting – only Imam At-Tabaari wrote more

Imam Malik was the most popular at his time - Mathaab


From - Ibn Katheer – most marriges run on mercy – commenting on Ayah from Surah Al- Rum



From Qtafsir.com – part of the ayah is missing _ “..and He made love and mercy between you …–

(And among His signs is this that He created for you wives from among yourselves,) meaning, `He created females of your own kind, to be wives for you.'

﴿لِّتَسْكُنُواْ إِلَيْهَا﴾

(that you may find repose in them,) This is like the Ayah,

﴿هُوَ الَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَحِدَةٍ وَجَعَلَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا لِيَسْكُنَ إِلَيْهَا﴾

(It is He Who has created you from a single person, and He has created from him his wife, in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her) (7:189). This refers to Hawwa'. Allah created her from Adam, from the short rib on his left. If Allah had made all of Adam's progeny male, and created the females from another kind, such as from Jinn or animals, there would never have been harmony between them and their spouses. There would have been revulsion if the spouses had been from a different kind. Out of Allah's perfect mercy He made their wives from their own kind, and created love and kindness between them. For a man stays with a woman because he loves her, or because he feels compassion towards her if they have a child together, or because she needs him to take care of her, etc.

﴿إِنَّ فِى ذلِكَ لآيَـتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ﴾

(Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.)



Day 2

Qabilah husna

Newsletter

internet



A story of real love

Exercised after marriage

Love under stress

Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi wa Salam) Ayesha (Radiallahu A’nha) was not jealous frm any other wife except Khadijah (Radiallahu A’nha)

Gifts received went to friends of khadijah ; stands when he (Sallahu ‘Alaihi wa Salaam) for her friends – Reason for the Hadith “Verily I was blessed with love for her”

Ayesha

Omar Ibn Aws – Don’t you love what I love. Then love her.

Rasullah sick longing to be with Ayesha’s house



Tests of Marrige

Slander of Ayesha (Radiallahu A’nha) – He was uncomfortable until Allah revealed her innocence



Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi wa Salam) – Best of you are those who are the best to their families and I am the best to my family.





Signs of love – Ibn Hazm

1. distracted

2. focus conversation towards them

3. lover speaks – listens

4. go to the place they are

5. excitement/confusion when the person comes in – sudden reactions cannot be fake

6. hold hands – touch

7. sit close to each other – love seat example

8. Opposites test – charcoal in one hand and ice in the other – both have the ultimate same physical result such as happiness and grief

9. playful – tug of war plate tug of war example – plate breaks – early in marriage “its ok I’ll get you a new one tomorrow

10. lean closer together



Dictionary love is a noun and a verb:


Strong positive emotion of love/affection
Beloved one
Sexual desire – in Arabic all emotional
Love – score of zero in tennis/squash
Enjoy
Great affection




Sheikh – most people use the noun but “love” is actually a verb. Given freely without restriction. Most practice conditional love. Take out the trash example: wife asks husband to take out trash. Husband squishes down and is happy – more economical. Wife likes new/clean.



Discussion of how the letters of Arabic carry the meaning of the word such as in Hub – bah is like the kiss and hah is deep in the throat – cause pain in the throat like a sigh. Sheen is like spreading out and is words such as shajarah and shams. Idea of Arabic language found in the Book Asraa Al Baghlaha (?)



Ibn Hazm-

Did he get married? Or was he involved with a slave? He had a son.

Qahramana just tried to avoid him. How can you relieve yourself of the pain – just forget. Chapter 27 Ring of the Dove. Sees her in exile from Qutabah but she did not respond to him.



The Noble Love – Hub

Popular culture of Spain

Some suggest theories of love came from Spain to France

What is the nature of love?

No one else shared this theory – Conjecture

Scattered parts of souls from different parts of the universe

Love originated in heaven – if meeting occurs on earth = love

Ibn Hazm’s “Proof” /Evidence– Surah Al Araf – Allah (Subhannah wa Ta’la) takes souls from Adam from back

1. met somewhere before they met on earth – like recruited armies

2. When a person goes to sleep his sourl departs Al Mawt Asagheer - maybe souls meet before they get married – results in “love” vs mercy in the marriage



2 Stages of Love

1. Jesting

2. Earnest



“Adventure of Love”



Surah Ar-Rum – starts “and among His signs…” such as the creation of night and day. Love is mentioned among signs that prove His (Subhannahu Wa Ta’la) Lordship



Like a bird – love and mercy



Love for Khadijah (Radiallahu Anha) Muhammad (Sallahu Alaihi wa Salam) had gifts and gave to friends of Khadija. She (Ayesha – Radiallahu Anha) challenged this continued show of respect by saying to the effect that she was young and beautiful – Referring to hadith “Verily I was blessed…”



Muslim Scholars Say – You should write on the book – it shines and is not clean



Nature of Love

Some Consider..


Psychological – trained – flower trick – she loves me…
Spiritual
Physical
Intellectual – you decide on – informed decision go seek after certain qualities
Feelings – sentiment and feeling




Al-Jahidh – extreme view – love enslaves people – Al – Muntazilah(book?)




Rejected the notion (what does this mean???) Why? He was never in love. He was “ugly”
Example goes w/ lady to store “just like him” – wanted an image of shaitan on a ring
Negative feelings wrote book includes obscene things female/male slaves
Philosopher loved books – ironically died from books falling on him
Al Ghazali – Kitab Al-Nikah


Muhamad Ibn Yusuf philosophical
Muhamad Ibn Dawood Athahri – Azzuhrah Bani Udrah –(The News of Bani Udrah) – Studied this tribe for their famous love qualities – Hub Al Udri – soft hearts: heart “breaks” and they die – noted 100 ideal qualities of love – book
From - http://www.sunnahonline.com/ilm/seerah/0081.htm (http://www.sunnahonline.com/ilm/seerah/0081.htm) For most Muslims who have heard of him, Ibn al-Qayyim al Jawziyyah's name is inseparable form that of his teacher, the 7th / 13th century Hanbalî reformer, Ibn Taymîyah. It is true, in fact, that Ibn al-Qayyim was the principle compiler and editor of his teacher's writings – Book Garden of the Lovers – “encyclopedia of love.”


Common theory of love – except Ibn Hazm

Love is all about resemblance and similarities – physical, emotional, spiritual - Arabic Maushaarkarital Itibah (I don’t know what this is)

Try to discover similarities – best thing for the future



Love and Beauty Qualities

Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’la) created Adam (Alaihi Assalaam) – Surah Tin “…ahsani taqweem…” – created man in the best qualities



Adam (Alaihi Assalaam) was created with all of the best qualities. Ibn Hazm – “beauty is perfection” We always go after perfection.



Who was most “beautiful” Adam or Yusuf (Alaihuma Assalaam)? Yusuf given half of beauty – but half of what? Some scholars say half of Adam and Allahu ‘Alim. Yusuf was compared to a malik by women of his time.



Perfection and Beauty together : example – “Happily ever after…” in all fairy tales attracted by beauty.

Ibn Hazm subscribed to no one standard – idea “ Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”



Signs of Love contd – see pg 5(??)




Wasting of the body – Qais and Layla(cousin) became insane when they did not marry. Wandered the desert and wrote a famous poem while insane – Qais Ibn Manawah


Some people fall in love with “image – dream”



Class questioner – Can Jinn and people have relationship – answer in ayah from usary…..??



Two Books – Arabic?


Asrar Al-Balaghah – by Abdul Qaher Al JurjaniM
Maqayeus Al Lughah Ibn Faris
Derivation of words in Arabic example: barada (he became cold) and bareed (mail) derived from



Al Imran (14) Zeena Annas

Yusuf (Alaihi Assalaam)

Rum (30)



Hadith Ibn Abbas- Ibn Majid


Orphan – 2 people proposed rich/poor . We want to give to the rich. She wants the poor. Who should we give to? We don’t see anything better ?????
Amr Ibn Anas – who is most loved? Reply of Rasullallah (Sallahu Alaihi wa Salam) Ayesha
Muslim – 2 groups of women among wives of Rasullallah Ayesha (Sallahu Alaihi wa Salam) leader – send gifts when Muhamad Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam Um Salama . Gather around Fatima and tell her not fair. Wives are asking you (Muhamad (Sallahu Alaihi wa Salam)) to show justice with respect to gifts. Ayesha said nothing. Answer- Love what I love – love her. (paraphrased as best as I could capture). Took back to Zainab. Went back and then talked and verbally attacked Ayesha. She looked at Rasullallah (Sallahu Alaihi wa Salam). Ayesha then rebuked Zainab and then Zainab was quiet. Muhamad (Sallahu Alaihi wa Salam) said she is the daughter of her father.
This is my provision. Don’t hold me accountable for what I cannot control. Dawud – At Tirmithi
Mugheeth – see book Falling in Love
Married as slaves. Ayesha (Radiallahu Anha) bought and freed Bareerah. She is free – cannot be married to a slave. She had a choice and she choose to leave him.



Mystery of Love


Love not something static
First physical – ie cute, smart, nice
Together all the time
Dreaming/hopes what it looks like all marital bliss
Delusions – but I love him


True love begins when “in-love” is over

Love after marriage starts with an attitude – no make up- image is not perfect



Harmful Things for the Marrige


Pre-arranged marriges or “dating”
Does marriage kill love – should strengthen if done for the sake of Allah (Subhannahu Wa Ta’la)
Blackmailing – If you love me do this…
Results in pushing towards the edge
Disrespectful – yelling, humiliation, slander – family members
High Mahar – “I paid $400,000 for you – violates…” hold in kindness or release in kindness…”


Hadith less mahar more barakah (didn’t capture this?)


Slanderer – family, peers, TV
Ibn Hazm – acts of betrayal harms marriage, internet, TV
Unnecessary long separations
Computer cited in Shakh’s class as # 2 interference
Phenomena of looking for…the right one (? Didn’t capture)






Ibn alQayyim – Question Do you control love?

Choice – first - option to open your eyes

Force – Second – after open eyes then you may not be able to control

Held accountable for the beginnings of love

Lawful – reward in Dunniya and Akhirah



Ibn Hazm – 994-1064 – A Treatise on the Art and Practice of Arab Love – English version



Hadith Rasulallah (Sallahu ‘Alaihi wa Salam) Example: My father wants me to marry this man (cousin?) to raise his status. Rasulallah (Sallahu ‘Alaihi wa Salam) nullified the marriage. Then she accepted the proposal. When asked why – responded that she wanted to know that it was her choice.





Question: What if you fall in love with someone that it will not work – religion different for example. Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’la) will not account for feelings but for actions - ask Allah (meaning for help/cure?)




biographies of Ibn Hazm did not mention this (Tawq Al Hamamah) book in early works. Why? Written in exile. Written as a letter response to his friend who was having a hard time.
How do we actually know this book is from him?

Personal reference of his father’s preference for blondes
Historical references and political comments
Scholars after him such as author of Garden of Lovers refer to him - Ibn al-Qayyim al Jawziyyah –
Is this the whole of the book? Different print versions are missing sections – perhaps too explicit

Title meaning – book highlights

dove in English – woman metaphor in Arabic as well. Symbol of love and intimacy in Arabic poetry
Tawk – ring around the neck of the dog/ beauty adornment
Ring is a symbol of slavery/obedience
Everlasting – cannot be removed around the the dog – experience love this is what I have for you (?)
Historical Accounts of Andalusia
His personal account
Psychology of love
Picture of luxury of Andalusia/Cortabah
Muhamad Ibn Abi Amin – see link to Ring of the DoveA certain poet in Cordova composed a love-poem in which he celebrated' the charms of Subh, the mother of al-Mu'aiyad (God have mercy on his soul!). A slave-E brought before al-Mansur Muhammad Ibn Abi `Amin with a view to his purchasing her, chose this very song to sing to him: he promptly ordered her to be executed.
Hajab An Mansoor (name?) built 2 classical cities around Cortabah for designs. Azzaheerah – Royal palace from roof of gold and silver. Knocked down after Shakh recited ayah (not sure of the ayah but I believe this means for the extravagance). Then built a pool containing mercury with an opening in the dome. Mercury scattered light – “first disco lights”
Discussed role of women
Poetry in Arabic
Masterpiece in poetry/prose
Promotes chastity lawful means
Tells the facts not promoting
Excellent origination (What?) of love



Mugheeth and Bareerah see page 7 in book

Mugheeth appeals to Omar (Radiallhu Anhu) and finally Rasulallah (Sallahu ‘Alaihi Wa Salam) to ask for their help in changing Bareerah’s mind. Rasulallah (Sallahu ‘Alaihi Wa Salam)goes to Bareerah. She asks “Are you commanding me or interceding? Reply – Interceding. Her reply – “I have no interest in him.”



Mugheeth is walking, crying in Madinah. Sitting, weeping. People felt so bad.



Lesson – Prophet (Sallahu ‘Alaihi Wa Salam)

1. Sympahthized with the lover

2. helped him

3. did not tell him not to love her

4. Mugheeth – going after her even thoughshe is not his wife. Some say he was like “intoxicated” and will be held accountable.

5. love is one of the mysteries will not be disclosed





Mystery of Love – book (?)



Ibn Qayyim



Q: Sexual help/hurt marriage? –



Very high level of love will be like enemies except for those who are al Mutaqeen (Source? – Quran Hadith, Ibn Qayyim)



Answer – If it is done within halal means.



Advice of Shaikh Birjas– use love as a “verb” Avoid what your partner hates for you to do. Do what he wants you to do. Ask what attracted to each other to rejuvenate.





Group Exercise –

Name

Ameerah

Introductions

Why do ladies delay marriage?



Main Concepts of Love Notes:

Learn

Appreciate

Respect

Rights

Obligations



Men Delay Marrige


Financial situation/security
Education
Requirements and expectations
Cultural restrictions
Parents
Seeking ideal match –
Lack of knowledge of importance/understanding of marrige
Lack of ladies - opportunities
Mahar
Haram easier
Uncertainty – fear of committment
Immaturity


Sisters

Education and career

Freedom

Misconception and fear

Western culture/cultural differences

New responsibilities

Compatible match

Parental preferences

Conforming to western societies

Lack of practicing Muslim men

Disagreement with family

Fear

Find the

Not ready for children

Longer lack of family knowledge

Lack of education about marrige



Sisters

#1 lack of suitable practicing men

#2 education and cultural clashes

#3 Freedom and fear

#4 Western culture

#5 lack of



Brothers

1.Culture – cannot find or parents want only similar culture

2. Finishing School

3. Financial expectations

4. lack of knowledge, expectations

5. haram, career,



Suggestion data base for families wanting to get married

Q What is the ideal age to get married

A Matter of maturity not age.

Parents – older does not need to get married





Story of Real Love – p8 notes

What about Khadijah(Radiallahu Anha)? Who was more loved – Ayesha or Khadijah ( Radiallahu Anhuma)? This was asked of Shaikh Al Islam Ibn Taimiyyah (Rahmatullah ‘Alaihi) Answer Ayesha for her time and Khadijah for her time.



TV stereotype Desperate Housewife – so now Homemaker –

a deteriation of fitrah,

delaying of marriage

Friend Marriges haram – 1 assigned Imam on campus



Family in Islam

1. Basic Principles – Divinely inspired institution. What do we mean?

Ayat and hadith – not for us to decide

2. meeqat qaweeyan – strong covenant in Quran

Consider a social contract.

when two people marry – extend connections from the contract – mother –in-law, father-in-law, aunts, uncles, children

3. Faith and family – if someone proposes to you and you are satisfied with their deen and character…page 13 book. Prayer – covenant between them is the salah.

4. Structures and rules – marriage and divorce

· Marriage under contracts in any book of fiqh as opposed to acts of worship

· Should be intended to be a permanent marriage

· What does the family structure look like (see page of notes – I’m not sure of the circles precisely – use other reference)

o children, grandparents - brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, nieces and nephews – blood relations

o Father/mother –in-law, brother/sister in-law, nursing siblings,

o Cousins and in-laws

· Position of the Man

o Overall supervisor – Quran - “Protect yourself and your family”, “each person will be questioned about his flock.”

o Eldest boy becomes the most valuable

o Outside the house - breadwinner – main provider

o Internal discipline for the family

· Position of the Woman

o Establish social circle

o Wherever the neck goes the head follows – man is head of the house –

o The woman is diminished in perception – hadith meant as a complement woman know how to (????)



· Family and Society

· Each family is an important cell in the society

· Family establishes an ideological society – parents even if they don’t practice bring their child to the masjid



History of Marriage

Definition – A legal union between one man and one woman

Set of cultural rules for brining together and how they deal w/children

Ancient culture – not limited

Civil contract

Man and woman living together – common law marriage

The only union that cannot be organized and

Man looses his Batchelors and woman gains her masters




Adam and Hawah – Do we know any details? No.
Once Imam Shafi’ rahmatullahi alaihi was asked Did Iblis have a wife. Answer – from Quran do not take Iblis and his offspring ……
Adam and Hawah – did they have relations – Al Araf – 20-27 – shaitan whispered to them their shame that they did not know before (wording ?)
No child until they were on earth
Forums.almaghrib.org – Fiqh of Love – Marrige before Islam


Similarities to marriage of Orthodox Judiasm very similar to Islam – kitab, mahar
What is the default in marriage? Polygamy and Monogamy?


We in Islam use poliginy – man only
If every man in NY got married there would be 1M women unmarried.
Some say default is polyginy – Rasullah (sallahu alaihi wa salam) had nine. Therefore four is small.
Men are “priviledged” to have four
Others say that because of the inability to be fair – man on day of judgement will be leaning to one side if he is not fair to wives
Shakh believes that monogamy due to creation of Huwah


Hetersexuality vs Homosexuality - Surah Al – Ala – about Lut - first


Often isolated to certain areas historically – Chineese, Certain Native American



Rasullalah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam)



General Marrige Fiqh

Imam Ahmad Hanbal – said it can be put in the contract not to have a second wife



Hanifa, Shafi, Malik – said it cannot be put into a contract

Second wife cannot ask husband to leave first wife

First wife can divorce if he takes a second wife



How do we get our husbands so attached to us such as Bareerah? Be smart. Be ahead of the game. Story of Imam of Musanad Abdul Razak in Yemen . Was in halaqah. Very famous and huge. Very upset and said I’m not going to give the halaqah. Want the teacher to come back. Pray and leave. Sent him the best students it did not work. Best people, governor. Traveled from different parts of the world. Went to his wife – um Abdullah. Listened to them. Asked when is the next halaqah. She said he will be there tomorrow. Students very happy. Very curious. Nothing worked. Some asked what happened. The intercessor who comes well dressed is not like the one who comes …..undressed



Islam and Marrige

Which is better marriage or single? Marrige. Celebracy is not from us by choice. Definition Islamic – A contract that results in the man and woman living with each other and supporting each other within……



Nikah – contract – physical interaction both used in the Quran. But most means the physical contact



Hadith is disputable (half of deen). Acceptable as it helps you complete your deen.

False hadith are the evil among you are the single

Q Can we limit children because of growing population crisis



Ibn Qaiyeem

Al-Ghazali

1. Number One Reason – Seeking Pleasure

2. Seeking to please Muhamad (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) Marry for I will outnumber the other nations by you (on yawm Al Qiyammah)

3. Children (Note – Baqarah ask man and women should consult on nursing child) Family Planning – Al Azzal(?) Ejaculation outside Muath ibn Hakami –asked about this and it is halal .Are permanent methods permissible for medical reasons

4. Seeking Intercession of Righteous Child – so they make du’a for you

5. Protection from evil

6. Training your nafs –



What is the ruling of when marriage?

Default – Highly Recommended When –

Means - physical financial

Can treat wife well

No Fear that he will commit haram

Wajib –

Ability to treat wife well

Fears he will engage in haram acts otherwise

Haram

No physical or financial ability

Will not treat his wife well

Makhrooh

Financial and physical ability

But fears that he will mistreat his wife



Most of Ulaamah say that Marrige is Ibadah

Young people who can affort should marry. – Rasullah (Sallahu Allaihi wa Salam)

Fulfilling one’s desire is a charity – When asked - What if he did it in an unlawful way.

Even the morsel of food that you carry to the mouth of your wife is a sadaqah.



Female should propose if she has means and need (physical desire fears haram) Can ask her wali to find her a husband.



Fear poverty Allah will provide for you – don’t make this an obstacle for you – Surah Al-Anam – Don’t kill your children… - means don’t fear poverty for the kids



Characteristics of a Prospective Spouse

Deen and Character

Fertility – how do you recognize – look at the family

Virginity (If you’ve never married it is better to look for one that has not been married)

To be content in this life – contentment

Noble descent or lineage – family –

Beauty – eye of beholder

Age difference- in general, men older than women because of maturity

Easy Mahar – best dowry is that of Rasullallah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) – Surah An-Nisa’ wife can give the Mahar back. Islamically it is wrong for the bride to give the mahar if it is forced.

Psychological burden – that man carries on the back









Rasullallah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam)



What is preferred non-relative/relative? No Preference in Islam

A – Most of the wives of Rasullallah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) were not close

A – less family problems



Marry to the family – stronger bonds. Advantage they are more comfortable.



More than 26 states in USA allow marriage to cousins. Some prohibit up to 3rd cousins



Arab women, non-arab women – Sophia - Jewish, Maria

Hereditary diseases – all in the hands of Allah (Subhannahu Wa Ta’ala)

Prearranged marriges – under age – under 16,12, 13


Under age are OK 10 have them get married –
But when they are of age of puberty one can nullify
Hanifa – said it is binding
Hanifa – can be forced
Wali by choice – can reject but cannot force her to marry. If he refuses repeatedly she can go to a judge and ask him to be removed as a wali


Celebrate Marrige – Halal

Couple legally katbu kitab or Nikah but delay consummation of marriage

Not alone behind closed doors (3 opinions all agree consummation, 2 additional Hanifa – consummation does not have to be intercourse but any physical contact, one says that behind closed doors alone is consummation) – go to school, go to restaurant etc.

They have the choice to consummate the marriage. If they do all things become obligatory. Father can ask her to take her from the house. Financially, she is the responsibility of the husband. Father can be merciful. Surah Al Baqarah and – Mahar and consummation and divorce. No iddah if they did not consummate the marrige

Wife’s obedience in celebate marriage to the father. Should be balanced example father wants to travel for 2 months should have the right to consummate.

Q what if daughter is not hanifa – follow father



You can commission someone to find a wife overseas. Be specific.

Authority to do the contract for you in your absence – P14

Marrige of convenience – papers documents – in fiqh class



Review

Divinely Inspired Institution



Quran and Hadith

Regulate Everything in the Quran from spouse selection to how to live together

3 circles ?

1. husband wife children grandparents

2. brothers sisters, uncles , aunts, stepchildren ?

3. extended family – cousins, by breast feeding n-lawa

Blood relations

Marriage relations, step

Breastfeeding





Purpose of Marrige

Pleasure

Protection from haram

Children



Marrige

Wajib

Financial/physical

Treat justly

Do haram otherwise



Haram

No means

Treat unjustly



Selecting a Prospective Spouse



Why is dating haram?





What is dating – do everything without marriage, keep changing to find the best partner, pleasure, act without responsibility, no



Marrige – Contract tends to make you “work it out”

Under contract people do act different –may feel pressure



Man and woman cannot be alone without the supervision of a mahram. – Hadith - Man and woman do not meet alone without a third being present – Shaitan



Dating industry making so much money from this.



Does this mean we are not aloud to meet before they are married to get together.

Matrimonial Services –

Wali order - father, grandfather (father), brother- cannot be skipped unless the father delegates



Propose – data base with a confidential match to keep in the community. Can serve as wali. Major conferences do this. Naseeb.com can loose money



Engagement – Promise style – Khutbah – acceptable but only a promise – they are not married. They must meet with a Mahram. If someone is “Khutbah” can you still propose. If they gave a promise to one the fault is on the second, but parents can accept.



Wali is not Muslim still Mahram Should show the respect to go to him. The Imam should be the Wali and include the father



Don’t put pictures on the internet. Example was Khutbah chatted on the internet.



Selecting A Bride



Female family members – go and see the girl. Forbidden to describe her except for the purpose



Can a male propose directly? Yes. Example – I see you in the community, may I propose to them. Talk to my Wali. Must be certain of intention. May be cultural restrictions on approaching a woman.



Evidence – Surah Al-Baqarah –Proposing to a women when she is in her waiting period. Indirectly, “don’t worry – we are here for you…”





Women – Father has no right to force his daughter to accept a proposal. Except under age children. Hanifa said the contract is binding at puberty. Evidence - If someone comes with deen and good character you should marry her to him. Also example of Ayesha was married without At puberty daughter is able to marry herself without wali. Can reject a proposal on her behalf.



Example father wanted her to marry his nephew for status. Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam)



Can a female approach a man to propose marriage to a daughter, neice, sister etc….? Yes.

Evidence Omar Khatab Hafsa after Iddah. Went to Abu Bakr to offer daughter, Uthman, Give me a couple days. Said not ready right now. Omar said Abu Bakr’s silence was harder. Then Abu Bakr told him why after the Prophet



Can a woman go directly to a man? Yes. Not based on Khadijah since that is before Islam

Culturally, class answer – no







An Bukhari Opiniou– A women proposing to the righteous man. Anas – Proposed to the Prophet. Daughter of Anas said this is shameful. Anas – keep quiet – She is better than you. Why? She assumed righteousness in a man. He just lowered his gauze. Sahabah asked for her. Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) agreed. Do you have anything for her. He looked for something. Did not find anything. Asked him what did he have from the Quran. Answer some surahs(?) I marry you on the Quran you have (meaning what he will teach her)



Story of friend



Hajj is obligation on children but violates the spirit of kindness unless there is a good reason – children etc



Misiyar – contract to not pro vide equally if she is financially able.



Said ibn musaid – brings daughter for student Abdullah ibn Wadda’--------- who lost his wife. Said came at Mughrib with his daughter. She fainted. Called help and neighbors came and gave party. Next day he went to go to the halaqah but wife said sit down I’ll teach you. Political



Ala Addeen Samerqandi – student of Iman Hanafi. Student Kassani wrote about his sheikh and it was accepted as mahar.



Lower Gaze Surah Noor 30-31.



Men are more obligated to lower their gaze because of their visual orientation. Women should not speak about another woman with detail as if he sees her –



Exemptions – watched the Abasinians over his shoulder.

Abdullah blind man asked to enter the house. Ayesha was told to put on hijab. She said that he is blind. He Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) said you are not.



Proposed – Under age of recognition – 8, 9 years old in this society. Age of puberty have to cover.



Looking at the prospective Spouse

Not Wajib but Mustahaab.





Jabar went to see how she acts in the neighborhood

Father should not say you don’t trust me.



Why – Identify physical and emotional attraction. “Halal dating” He will try to impress her. She should show her qualities. Face and her hands



She must remove her nikab. She has to keep her hijab on. Female members can see her otherwise. Some fuqahah say that in extreme cases can see hair



Time Imam Shafi/ Shakh – General Intention At least one time to go and see her. Can setup a casual situation to identify. Can go directly or arrange with the wali. Female has same rights.



If suggested for you. Go and see.

How many times should meet with supervision. As many times as is supervised and requested. Example male and female can sit and talk on one side of the room and the wali can sit to the side.



Wali qualifications – should not be any Imam but should have qualifications



Wali – Male under age? NO. No teenager that goes and plays. Can you take a female Wali should have male that will show that she is protected. Grandfather may be better. Higher status the better.



If male has intention to get married can he strare at anyone. Should ask – better. Could be married. Example – Friend followed someone. Asked to speak to the father not the girl he followed. Her friend.



For youth – phone is better than the internet since conversations can be saved. Get paranoid not returning mails quickly. If something goes wrong, don’t know the result. Don’t know who is typing.



On phone should have wali to monitor conversation to make it serious.



Consequences of a Marrige Contract



Can defer the consummation of the marriage. Recommended that



Consummate asap.



1. Kind treatment – not defined by culture, but by Sunnah Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam)

Hadith – A believing man should not hate a believing woman.



2. Documentation is not necessary. Wali 2 witnesses, wording. Conjugal right –



3. move to his residence- maybe the father will be merciful to them. He has no right to force her to move to his family. If she is happy then it is OK. He should provide and he should tell her before the contract.



4. Dower due at the consummation – she can ask him – demand nag.



5. Contract – mother in law and father in law become mahram

Step children mahram after consummation

7. verification of the child

8. establishment of inheritance

9. obedience

10. discipline – Surah anNissa

a. admonish her

b. boycott – turn away from her in bed

c. force – not to leave marks, not face, bones – affect emotional

d. If a physical damage occurs – she can sue in court

e. Beat translation not correct – yadribuhim – yadribu bab – knock on the door

Some sahabah did this Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) said these are not the good people



Near the end of her life. Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) at night went out from her house. Ayesha followed him Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) went to Al Baqir to the grave to make du’a Ayesha ran back and he followed her faster and faster. He asked her what she did. She told him she was jealous. He pushed her and was upset that she would acuse him of something. Bukhari





Al-Jummuah edition on - October



Q –on conjugal rights - Can he force her. Rape- no. He can demand. She can ask as well



Non-Muslim woman and brother wants to marry her. No male on her side. He should take a female member of his family. For his protection. He has someone to testify for him . This is an unusual situation.





January 7th – ‘Sr. Widad Exam Coordinator

Almaghrib.org/exam to find out more about the exam

FAQ questions



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Post Study Notes on the web and area study sessions



Marital Rights –



Consumated the marriage

Circles of Rights – male and female

As you expand your area of responsibility you take from your spouse as well (shaded areas overlap)



Ayah 2:228 first part – …”and women have rights similar to the rights against them….”

Beauty, scent,



According to what is equitable – What is acceptable in the culture. Whose culture?



But men have a degree (of advantage

Qiwammah – is the guardianship – most men consider this means authority. Authority does not come without responsibility.



Gender Equality in Islam


Are men and women equal?
Differences or preferences?
The natural differences:

Physiological differences
Emotional differences
Neurological differences



Are women equal – In churches 500 years ago it was discussed if women had souls.



Finances – equal – 193? Women recently were given the right to open a checking

Male has the right to stay home and women working. Must be in the contract. She can work if it was specified.



Example mother takes 1/8, boys 2-shares, girl – 1 Girls money is all hers



Son dies, wife takes her share,with children. Mother and father takes 1/6 each. Male Grandchildren should take responsibility for the grandparents



He dies with no children – 1/3 mother, 2/3 father



Son Dies – father, mother, brother – drops to 1/6 each



Equity vs Equal

Equal rights means exactly the same.

Equitable – some areas more and some areas less in the rights and obligations – given the best for them to make the scale even.



Faridatun min Allah – (? – This is from Allah (Subhannahu Wa Ta’ala) – meaning the inheritance system.



Loving / hateful Actions Group Activity



Sisters – religious in every action

Understanding

Affection/playful/romantic

Respsible

Respect

Sensitive

Sharing knowledge

Honesty admit mistakes

Listening

Buying thoughtful gifts

Cheerful mood

Family oriented

Forgiving

Good grooming

Saying – I love you

Surprises

Help each other in deen

Appreciate little things

Help in the house

Sense of humor

Compassion

Affection gifts/complents



Men

Share the remote

Hugging – leads to …

Shopping going out together

Shopping example – you get the I’ll get the … fun strategy

Thoughtful gift – nice letter



Men Hateful Actions

Disregard of the Deen – Not being religious conflict

Discuss family issues in front of kids

Disrespect mocking

Upset about Helping family financially

Nagging asking too many questions

Backbiting

Fitnah family circle

Ignore family values

Argumentative

Disobeying the husband

Lying

Inability to cook

Talking to others about their spouse/family issues – (opposite don’t listen)

Don’t respect family

Not true

Hanging out with other guys

Immodest dress without hijab

Not trusting their judgement

Not observing

Not wanting children

Boycotting marital relations

Disobedience

Materialistic

Disturbing during down time

What’s wrong – nothing

Being emotional /irrational

Ignoring silent treatment



Brothers Loving Action

Cook and present tasty food

Warm welcome when coming home

Respectful to family and friends

Religious

Keep family in tact

Marital relations

Obedience

Cleanliness

Environment for children

Respect family

Help become better Muslim

Support ideas

Wife well dressed

Clean house

Good meal

Be ontime

Take care of kids education

Kind words smile

Trust and honesty

Forgiveness (don’t push to apologize)

Listen

Positive attitude

Good mother

Surprise

Engage in intellectuall and spiritual – men talk to relay information. Women want to connect and talk.

Wake up for Fajr and Tahajud



Sisters’ Hateful Actions

Be disrespectful

Neglect emotional and physical needs

Spending time with others and not being home

Unnecessary restrictions

Disrespecting in front of family and children

Lazy

Computer, camera

Being insensitive – sleeping while your talking

Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) after salah tahajud would talk to her to fajr if she was awake

Putting friends before you

Comparing to other women mother/sister

Religious

Abuse – physical, emontional

Leaving / coming without saying anything

Not communicating –

Selfishness

Rambling threats

Confiding in someone else

Too much time outside the house

Too proud

Inconsiderate





Not enough time with them

Being messy

Taking wife for granted

Unresponsive and unlawful











This activity came from the 3rd c hijrah. Prayed 2 rakat. Imam Shuaib Al-Qadi. Wife gave Khutbah. Then he gave a Khutbah back. 1 year later he found an older woman giving orders to the servants and she was the mother in law asking how do you see your wife . 20 years he never saw anything wrong with her except this year and I was unjust to her







Marital Rights – p20


Female must respond to him no matter what she is doing. Otherwise the angels curse her until morn
Protecting his house in his absence – restricting friends
Serving the husband according to the custom of the Muslims in that area. 2 cultures try to compromise but woman should try to meet his culture




Women

Example – college – kind treatment – sadaqah – financially maintaining her is basics

Man has a right to say no to work if money is enough for basics

Step children – mahram regardless of faith. He is responsibility from his marriage. Her children should (it is sadaqah) be taken care of her children if original husband does not and he does not allow her to go to work.



Question – Racial Discrimination – Early communities was not an issue – Ousama bin Zaid Bilal. How to help? More education?



From the Life of Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam)



How did Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) exercise his rights as a husband?

The best amongst you are the best of those to their family. And I am the best to my family.



Example A’yesha was on a trip. Away from the caravan .

Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) said let’s race. Raced away from the group. She won.



Some time later

Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) says the next time he said again let’s race.

And again and she lost one time and she said it was because she put on weight.







Another example from Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) drink you first no you first . He insisted that she drink and then he drank from the same spot. And another example eating from the apple.



Bukhari - Take a bath together. Shower with her some times. Playing while taking a shower. Leave me some (ie they were racing) A’yesha and Mamuna. Many scholars ignore this playful



Example



Howdah Hafsa said shall we switch. Ayesha went to Hafsa and Ayesha went to Hafsa’s spot. Camped for the night. She ended up out for the night when Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) stopped.



A’yesha and Zainab were rivals in status. Zainab always spoke well about her. Zainab gave honey to Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) She noticed sticky. Ayesha , goes to Hafsa, Sophia, Sawdah, . Ayesha told other wives that they should tell the Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) that he smells. Then when he Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) returned to Zainab he Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) refused. Later (years) when narrated Ayesha told Sawdah to be quiet when she lamented that they deprived him, Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam).



Example Wives around the Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) when they heard about money coming. Omar (radiallahu Anhu) entered and everything was quiet. He said you are like enemies to yourselves. Why are you quiet when I enter. They said Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) was merciful and you are rude.



Example when Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam)wives were all left for 1 month – 29 days. Omar very upset because of Hafsa. Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) came down and went to A’yesha. She said that the month is not over. He said nothing except that some months are (using hands 29 and some 30) this month is 29.



Example – In Ramadan during Itikaf – Sophia missed him Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) and she visits him in the masjid. Then he takes her outside the masjid and talks some more. It is dark and some sahabah heard a women and ran away. Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) called them and said she is my wife. They said we would not suspect you. Shaitan is running through the veins of some.





Example – Sophia – Camel helped her down by using his knee as a step.



Bukhari – Can you play with food. Ayesha admits she cannot cook well. Hafsa is a better cook. Sawdah did not like it and she would not eat. Ayesha told her that if she didn’t eat she would smear on her face and then she did. Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) kicked Sawdah that she should retaliate.



Nickname Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) Ayesh



Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam)




Enter use siwak
Used to kiss some of his wives when he entered and left – Ayesha – she narrated and was shy to say it was her . Nephew clarified this



Example of contact with Ayesha and her period




Ibadah - Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) he would do tahajud and she would be sleepinp

Women what should they do to reach the level of men in Ibadah – jihad, fasting, tahajud? Treat husband kindly – like Ibadah



Many stories discuss Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) worship and the wives are present but not engaged in the worship (ie they were “available” to help Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam)









Recommendation – Read Sahih Bukahri 10 a night when he was younger– Every time have a number associated with quality such as laughing









Hadith – Obdience to his mother in his own affairs. However, if his mother says don’t let your wife…he does not have to obey her. If she asks for him to drive her. His wife cannot interfere.



Sample from Fiqh of Love



An-Nushooz – mentioned twice in Surah AnNisaa’(34 and 128)

Nushooz – each of the spouses having hatred for the other and treating each other in an improper manner. They still want to stay marry



Contemporary Studies

4 Types of Marriges . Ask yourself what type of marriage do you have.



Number one reason for Marital Discord – Muslim an jabar - Every night Shaiyatin gather in assembly

Shaitan – separated husband and wife – Shaitan said you are the one.




Area of Rights and Obligations
Sexual Problems – bargaining for this begins. You always
Financial Difficulties – Men haveQiwammah. Man stops providing for various reasons
Pre-marital history – sinful experiences
who has the power – qiwammah
child influence – family patterns. Original parents successful. Now they need a new pattern
communication problem
parenting style – mother complains in front of them

Agreed on a rule. One breaks the rule. Then they start fighting

personality – natural and cultural attitudes neglect partner’s ideas

perfectionist personality – cleaning – let’s go leave it to later
jealously
backbiting



Q What is the most effective solution? – Part of the second seminar, but send a marriage councelor from each side.



Languages of Love

We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. – contemporary



Example - Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) I know when you are satisfied and when you are not. She used different name for him when she was upset. Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) noticed this and told her. She said you never leave my heart (wording?)



Matter of choice

Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam)



A believer should not hate a believing woman. If he hates one aspect he would love another



How

Love tank theory – married in one car. Choice to make it good or bad. Men think about journey. Women want to go to the beach route. Full tank – wait for empty tank. As soon as the woman sees the tank going down she fills. Similar to marriage . If there is a problem, they go right away to fix.



Bank account theory – open account with partner. Put money . withdraw. Should put in if you want to withdraw. Women often more accurate with keep track. Men worry less about this.



Differences –



Example – Um Maryam (radiallahu Anha)– “…men are not like the female..” (when she gave birth to female and Allah (Subhannahu wa Ta’ala) did not rebuke her.



Women sense of self defined by beauty. Not as important. Demand men to be more emotional

Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) understood this about woment.





Crisis approach – men like to be quiet and figure out together

Example when he had a problem boycotted wives for 1 month.

Wife tries to make him talk – what’s the matter. Now she is nagging.



Women have to talk, cry.

Woman upset. He gives her space. Now woman is upset. What is going on? Now she is unloading everything.



When each is done they go back to normal



Motivation Power

Men like to feel power – respect need

Women to be cherished



Express feelings through different languages –

Rubber band men emotional cycle – some best and some go down



Loosing manhood away from friends then he comes back smiling. Tries to be funny. Everything is fine. Not for women needs .



Women chase- What’s wrong. Rubber band never reach his potential cannot “snap back”



Women cycle - waves up and down when they go down they come back bringing everything up . hit you like a Tsunami



Different Languages of Love

Men – appreciation, grateful – say jazaka Allahu Khair



Example – sisters having a gathering – needs babysitting

2 options - let her stay upset. They ask her When are you going to be back – ruin everything!

Should say – We’ll miss you. Then the wife will prefer to come to a sweet husband.



Give husband a kiss for taking out the trash



Wife wants to talk without the man working. Give undivided attention. Give 15 minutes of undivided attention a day. Keep cell phone at home.



Go out to eat – men take the menu. Women looking around enjoy. Go outside



Receiving gifts – chocolate or simple gifts that are thoughtful



Acts of service

Rasullah (Sallahu Alaihi Wa Salam) he used to sweep, fix his own shoes, etc

Women don’t talk directly – don’t ask for things

Physical contact – men intimacy, women hug- warm welcome, make coffee

Respond

Public display of Contact

Watching the Abysinians – from the house. My cheek is on his cheek. She said that she had no interest in watching but she wanted the others to know her position.



Culture consideration – hold hands varies -

Hug/ kissing, Hajj exceptions

Hold hands OK if ok in Muslim society

In front of the kids - At age of 10 woman should observe dress modesty – simple kiss ok



Example -

Married 15 years – traveled with the kids 1 week. Man was depressed brought friends from masjid. asked friends to stay the night. He told his friend to bring gifts – said I don’t need them. Bought chocolate finally and secretly bought flowers. Comes week later and thanks . didn’t believe flowers came from husband



Forgiveness of all sins for delivery of birth– no evidence.

Exam



Essay Questions

1.Write about the contribution of Muslim Scholars and their scholarly works to the Theory of Love – 1-1/2 pages max.

2. What is the ruling of love in Islam? How was it mentioned in the Qur’an and Sunnah? What Lessons do we learn from that?

3. Rights and Obligations are the most disputable area in a marital life. How did Islam organize it between a husband and wife?









January 7



Halal and Haram in the bedroom -



Sexuality mentioned in the quran


favors of Allah (Subhannhu wa Ta’ala) – rewarded for it therefore be happy
Quran –Yusuf (Alaihi wa Salam) – “ she almost got what she wanted and he almost did this if it were not for Allah’s protection.
Quran – man to cover her
Baqarah – Nisaa are harfum lakum – approach in any manner desired

Means any except anal
Tried to dismiss a man who admitted to adultery. Described in great deal
My husband does not recognize cheek or the thigh . Kiss is like the mail. Man who is satisfied should not be hasty – mean move before she is satisfied.




Default – Everything is halal unless evidence is proven otherwise
Forbidden – Anal sex most say does not invalidate , intercourse on her period or bleeding after delivery, The one that approaches his wife like this is cursed
All Positions and locations are halal. Men need extra stimulation in this society.
Oral is halal. The Sahabah knew of this practice.
Fantasy – halal –
Masturbation – with husband and wife OK
Video – no . get used to watching legal haram becomes easy. Ruling halal should be
Use language - can say this From Baqarah – on hajj no profane language
Covered – no – do they have to turn off the lights
Fabrication hadith Ayesha he did not see anything from me and me from him. Opposite is true – hadith about shower together and described wudu












Seeking Childen – Advantage of Marrige

To bring forth a child” is a four-faceted intimacy which is the original reason for encouraging it even after being safe­guarded against excessive desire, so that no one wants to meet God as a celibate. The first: to conform to the love of God by seeking to produce the child in order to perpetuate mankind. The second: to earn the love of the Prophet* of God by increas­ing those in whom he can be glorified.” The third: to seek the blessing of the righteous child's invocation after him.55 The fourth: to seek intercession 56 through the death of the young child should he precede his [father's] death.

Mghani
02-01-2007, 03:42 PM
umm i wanted to know where i could ask the sheikh questions..
Do i just do it here.. or is there a seperate thread for it?

Mghani
02-01-2007, 04:24 PM
JazakAllahu Khairun.. Inshallah i'll look around first and then proceed to startin a thread