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al_layl
03-20-2007, 12:32 PM
Asalaamualaikum.
I have taken this class. I need a bump in my memory.
I remember that a woman's wali can reject a proposing man if he is not pleased with his race. (Correct me if I am wrong).

Does that mean it's also applicable to women....if the mother of the son is not pleased with her son's marriage choice, and she refuses because of her age and race, does she have a right to refuse her son from marrying her?

A son should honor and obey his mother, and try to please her and keep her happy, and wouldn't want to let anything disturb the ties between mother and son. Today's world, we see many broken families due to disapproved marriages. How can a brother who is a religious "mamma's boy" obey his mother and marry the woman of his dreams...

She is among the elite religious women who does the obligatory and many nawfil acts in worship, self-motivated and independent. She is active in the community and well known for her pious character/manners. She is Hajaba/niqaab and covers her eyes, hands, and feet. She is obtaining her bachelors in shari`ah at a prestigious Islamic University and studies under amazing shayookh. She has all the motherly fitrah qualities any woman would be jealous of. And she is undescribably beautiful with eyes no one has seen before in any part of the world. She also expects this brother to marry to the extent of 4 wives and have many many children. Her goals are high and attainable for widows, battered women, orphans, and the poor. She is already helping to build a womens shelter.
And Her wali is accepting of the brother.

The mother complains that she is 5 years older than the brother, and that she is not Arab/philistini. The sister is divorced (due to her ex-husband's continual unfaithfulness, abuse, abandonment, and refusal to fulfill her rights). The sister has no children. The mother refuses any Islamic rationality...that the Prophet peace be upon him, married Khadija (ra) and she was 15 years older and was also previously married. The mother says that you can't compare! She says that the sister will be in menapause soon, the sister is 25 years old! The brother is FIRST in his University in GPA and will complete his studies in 2 years, and will have an income by then. The mother is prone to a heart attack and the stress could be a danger.

The brother and sister have prayed istikhara and this is the outcome. The answer is a stong consistent "no" from his mother. Should he just accept that this is the qadr of Allah and move on? Move on from the ideal Wife, where many people attest to her piety and character...and there are not a lot of REAL pious brothers who would marry a divorced woman.

What else can the brother do? He will not ruin relationships selfishly. What other methods of convincing a determined "no" from his mother?

al_layl
03-20-2007, 12:35 PM
JazakumuAllahkhayrun

Allahu-Akbar
04-02-2007, 03:18 PM
wa alaikem as salam,

May Allah Most High make it easy for the sister and the brother, and bring for them whatever is best in this life and the Next...subhanAllah, this is a difficult, difficult situation. may Allah open the way for both of the families. ameen.

Sabiqoon
04-04-2007, 05:24 PM
Subhanallaah Brother,

My advice(although coming from a worthless person to give advice) is that although you are right to chose and want to marry such a worthy woman(which from your description there is no doubt that she is and age is not a factor at all because 5 years in a grand scheme of things is nothing).

However, you have a muslim mother and she is displeased.


In the grand scheme of things if you had attended the event they did in NYC about yaumil qiyaama, it all boils down to this that nothing in this dunya is worth it.

For the dunya this lady is excellent for you, she is righteous knowledgeable, religious, good person. For the aakhira too, however, any woman can and become good for you for the aakhira.

You know of the importance of pleasing your parents and especially your mother.

You know of the hadeeth of the three men in the cave, how one of them gave importance to his parents over his children and wife and prayed to Allaah to save them as a result of this action.

Perhaps, the persistence "no" from your mother is a result of this istikhaara.
Either way, if you really feel this is best for you then continue to make du'aa
and be kind and generous to your mother. Talk to her if you can from time to time.

But beware of making this marriage a desire or wish, even then it is still something of the dunya.


A man can be married to a good or a bad wife but how he acts as a muslim and his constant reminder of ad-dunya mal3oona mal3nan ma feeya is enough.

What seems good or excellent for you might not be so for you individually even though it is excellent and good.


Or perhaps if you really want to marry this sister, make a compromise with your mother. Tell her you will marry whoever she wants and if she can allow you to marry this sister(not an ideal situation, but shows more flexibility). And we that you will be pleasing your mother to some extent and pleasing yourself as well, provided that you treat both wives equitably no matter how much you like or dislike one over the other.


Sometimes, brothers there are no barriers in your life in terms of spouse selections but just not opportunities. Either way it is a test of your patience and your commitment and your true purpose in life: which is to worsip Allaah.

You can do that being married or unmarried to a queen or a beggar. In the end it does not matter. Perhaps Allaah will send another such person for you, etc.

Don't displease your mother, she has rights over you from the day you were born and if that means sacrificing your desires, then in essence that is jihaad.