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muslim_girl
04-14-2007, 10:59 PM
Assalamu Alaikum,

I have an issue that has really been stressing me out A LOT, and I thought this might be a good place to come and get some advice.

I'm in my first year of university, and my parents gave me a huge shock when they told me they wanted me to get married to a cousin living back home. To be totally honest, I was totally devestated because I really did NOT want this.. it's not that I have someone else in mind, I'm just NOT interested.. AT ALL. I tried to tell my parents, but they blew up in my face, saying that they never expected this, asking me what they did wrong when they were raising me, asking if this was a punishment from Allah, and.. well, I guess you get the point.

Anyways, I talked to him, and I saw a picture of him, and I am still not interested.. AT ALL. I was pressured into accepting it, because I was told that if I disagree with what they are doing, I should leave the house, and that they will never help me with anything in life again and I should never come to them looking for advice. I am born and raised in Canada, and he is born and raised back home.

There has been no nikah or anything, and everytime I try to tell my parents I don't want this, they start yelling at me.. then, after a few days, continue as if I'm perfectly happy with it.

I've done Istikhara a few times, and my feelings haven't changed. I still feel depressed everytime I think about it, and I can't concentrate on school. I DID have a dream, but since I've read that it's not necessary to have a dream after Istikhara, I don't know whether it means much. Anyways, the dream was that I was meeting someone else, and somehow, I knew it was someone from school a few years down the road (don't ask me how I knew, it was just one of those things that happen in dreams). I don't know if this dream might have just come because I already don't want the other thing to happen, or if it actually means something.. but each time I did Istikhara, I dreamt something like this, or something that I was finding out something horrible about the other guy. I told my mom I was going to do Istikhara, and she told me not to, because I am young, and I wouldn't be able to do it properly.. so even if I tell her I did Istikhara, it won't change their minds.

I am so confused! Am I obligated by Islam to marry him because my parents think I should? I make dua everytime I pray, I have even cried, but sometimes I feel like it's getting nowhere!

Inshallah, someone has some good Islamic advice for me.. I would really appreciate it someone could guide me right now.. it's stressing me out, and exams are coming up, and I just can't think!

Jazakallah

muslim_girl
04-14-2007, 11:00 PM
PS.. sorry the post got so long

eternalmuslimah
04-15-2007, 12:07 AM
also, the proper way of doing istikhaarah is that before you start off, you should have neutral feelings towards the issue at hand...

i can sort of guess that's a little hard in this case

insha'Allah in the meantime, keep praying to Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala...as this is just a test from Him...

read 2 rak'ah nafil salaat asking Allah to make things easier for you insha'Allah

another thing you could do is...pray to Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala during tahajjud insha'Allah :)

and we'll remember you in our du'as too

may Allah make it easier for your parents to understand you and for you to be better able to handle them as well insha'Allah

“And seek help in patience and prayer…” [al-Baqarah 2:45],

Mubarak
04-15-2007, 02:04 AM
Wa alaikum assalam



Firstly I must say that I am not one who has the knowledge to tell you what you have or havent been commanded to do by Allah and there are knowledgeable scholars and students of knowledge that can assist you with that however here are several ayaats in the Quran that can make things a little easier for you inshallah.



Am I obligated by Islam to marry him



Allah, the Most-High, says in His Book, "O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will..."

Clearly this ayaat mentioned in Surah Nisa verse 19 informs us what Allah has made permissible regarding marrying women without their consent. Allah, The True King, has given you as women rights and responsibilities and among the rights that you have is the right to agree or disagree with the selection of your potential spouse (and Allah knows best).



I am so confused!...I make dua every time I pray, I have even cried, but sometimes I feel like it's getting nowhere!



Remember that Allah has said, "Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope..."(2:286) so in reality my sister, this is your test in life. Be patient and although things may seem very difficult and it may appear that no person in the world understands your situation, truly, Allah, the Lord of the Worlds and the One who Hears and Sees all that’s exist knows your situation and He is the Wakil of all things. Don’t ever give up on your dou'aas even if you dont see no change for the rest of your life; don’t abandon the dou for it is a tool for success.



I feel for you and your situation but remember that your problem may be huge and stressful to you but on the other side of the world, there are children, boys and girls, who's parents have been killed and now they have no human to provide for them and they have shed so much tears that their eyes can no longer handle such emotions and when I think about them, I can only lower my head and thank Allah that He has saved me from such pain. Be patient with your test for Allah loves those who are patient.

hassanm
04-15-2007, 08:54 AM
Assalamu Alaikum,

I have an issue that has really been stressing me out A LOT, and I thought this might be a good place to come and get some advice.

I'm in my first year of university, and my parents gave me a huge shock when they told me they wanted me to get married to a cousin living back home. To be totally honest, I was totally devestated because I really did NOT want this.. it's not that I have someone else in mind, I'm just NOT interested.. AT ALL. I tried to tell my parents, but they blew up in my face, saying that they never expected this, asking me what they did wrong when they were raising me, asking if this was a punishment from Allah, and.. well, I guess you get the point.

Anyways, I talked to him, and I saw a picture of him, and I am still not interested.. AT ALL. I was pressured into accepting it, because I was told that if I disagree with what they are doing, I should leave the house, and that they will never help me with anything in life again and I should never come to them looking for advice. I am born and raised in Canada, and he is born and raised back home.

There has been no nikah or anything, and everytime I try to tell my parents I don't want this, they start yelling at me.. then, after a few days, continue as if I'm perfectly happy with it.

I've done Istikhara a few times, and my feelings haven't changed. I still feel depressed everytime I think about it, and I can't concentrate on school. I DID have a dream, but since I've read that it's not necessary to have a dream after Istikhara, I don't know whether it means much. Anyways, the dream was that I was meeting someone else, and somehow, I knew it was someone from school a few years down the road (don't ask me how I knew, it was just one of those things that happen in dreams). I don't know if this dream might have just come because I already don't want the other thing to happen, or if it actually means something.. but each time I did Istikhara, I dreamt something like this, or something that I was finding out something horrible about the other guy. I told my mom I was going to do Istikhara, and she told me not to, because I am young, and I wouldn't be able to do it properly.. so even if I tell her I did Istikhara, it won't change their minds.

I am so confused! Am I obligated by Islam to marry him because my parents think I should? I make dua everytime I pray, I have even cried, but sometimes I feel like it's getting nowhere!

Inshallah, someone has some good Islamic advice for me.. I would really appreciate it someone could guide me right now.. it's stressing me out, and exams are coming up, and I just can't think!

Jazakallah
ps. I posted this in Love Notes also, but there are more people viewing this, so I thought I should add it..

Advice: Contact local imam who knows your family or father atleast.

May Allah help you.

brother_bruce
04-15-2007, 12:59 PM
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah

The Messenger of Allaah http://islamqa.com/images/saws.gif (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A previously-married woman should not be married without being consulted, and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, how is her permission given?” He said, “By her silence.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6455).

***



‘Aa’ishah reported that a girl came to her and said, “My father married me to his brother’s son in order to raise his social standing, and I did not want this marriage [I was forced into it].” ‘Aa’ishah said, “Sit here until the Prophet http://islamqa.com/images/saws.gif (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) comes. The Messenger of Allaah http://islamqa.com/images/saws.gif (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came and she told him about the girl. The Prophet http://islamqa.com/images/saws.gif (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent for her father, then he gave the girl the choice of what to do. She said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to prove something to other women.” (Reported by al-Nisaa’i, 3217).




Anyways, its a complicated question and I'm not sure if any of us, except the shuyukh, should give you detailed advice on how to handle your individual issue.

Personally, I think you should take the parents to a local knowledgeable imam/ community leader; whom both you and the parents respect, and have a discussion.

EDIT: i merged the two threads together.

muslim_girl
04-15-2007, 10:40 PM
Thanks for replying guys..

I already KNOW that if I don't agree, then it can't go forth, my parents know this too, that's why they're not FORCING, but PRESSURING me.. I guess it's the same thing. When I try and say that, they start asking me if they have done wrong to me before, WHY won't I agree, and the truth is, I don't agree because I'm NOT.. AT ALL interested.. but then they start thinking it's because I want to marry someone else (and then I get yelled at for that).. even though I don't want to marry anyone right now.

I did decide to give this a chance.. but even after talking to him a few times, my feelings didn't change. He fully told me that he was stressed because he was being pressured to talk to me, he told me I'm too short, and he laughed at the way I dress (hijab and skirt), and when I told my mom, she was initially angry.. but, then, everything went back to normal again. There are so many little things going wrong already (not just what I've already told), but it seems like my parents ignore those, and instead stress the few good things (they will get a good 'name' by other family members, the family is 'good' (rich), and that his mother is young so she can help me with the kids), saying that we can't just leave this good opportunity.. that maybe we should wait a year (yes, a YEAR) to make sure that the 'few' bad things are actually bad. I just want to get it over, and done with, so I can stop stressing about it. My mom and my aunt talk about the family NON STOP (like, WAY over normal), and start talking about the guy when I'm around.. even though I've told my mom privately I don't like this. One time, I heard my parents talking about me, saying that I would HAVE to eventually agree, and they should take me away from my friends, because they are influencing me.. (when, in all honesty, they really aren't.. it's because of them I even became practicing).. and as soon as I came into the room, the conversation magically changed.

This issue is really obviously putting a strain on my relationship with my parents, and extra un-needed stress on my mind, and I'm assuming theirs also. I would talk to an Imam, but I don't know, I think I would be too shy, and my parents would probably start arguing with the Imam if he told them what they are doing is wrong, and if he told me I was wrong, I would have no choice but to be married to someone I DON'T want to be married to, and my parents would never let me forget that. I'm also afraid that my parents would tell the story to make me look like the bad guy. I know you're probably going to say, that I might be doing the same thing (telling the story to make me look like the innocent one), but I have honestly tried my best to tell it from both sides of the.

Is there any other advice anyone can give?.. Is there anything that I can do to help (other that just bow down and marry him)? What (if there are any) are the next steps I can take other than waiting a year (during which this could be a LOT harder to get out of) or seeing an Imaam? Please help!

Salam

Sabiqoon
04-15-2007, 10:46 PM
actually waiting a year and doing istikhaara, is excellent.

perhaps this will be a way for you to get out of this situation or a year for the guy to become a better muslim.
I was sad to note that he laughed at your dress. However, you should be patient sister. Whatever will happen will be the best, no need to stress over it.


If anything you can steal all his money(just entirely kidding :))
email me though, if you want.

muslim_girl
04-15-2007, 10:53 PM
hey Sister, Assalaamu ALaykum,
My advise if he does not drink, fornicate, (smoke), do drugs, treat parents badly, has bad akhlaaq, has bad temper. If he prays five times a day, is hardworking, potentially can make halal money and support you and if he is one who is open and willing to learn about islaam and follow the sunnah. Say, yes, then. If you can find out from other relatives about him. His akhlaaq and his character. ANd if you do not find any flaws in him, then do istikhaara with a neutral mind, one last time and do not say anything to your parents, until they say something. Explain to them that you would like to do salaatul istikhaara as you heard it is sunnah. Give them a printout from the internet about the necessity of the girl to istikhaara.
IT SHOULD NOT BE YOUR MOM BUT YOU WHO HAS TO DO salaatul istikhaara.
I don't know if he does those things.. he has lived at boarding school most of his life, and has even told me he keeps a lot of things from his parents, so I don't know if I would put total faith in what his parents say about him - and besides, I doubt his parent's would flaunt his bad even if they knew of it). Also, because of the boarding school, not much famiy knows much about him. He doesn't seem to be very practicing.. AT ALL.. (but because he spent a month in Saudi, since his father works there, my parents assume he is the most religious guy ever).. but honestly, he has told me some things that make me believe he is not. He IS in school, and IS working, so the money really isn't much of an issue, and plus, the family is very wealthy.

Sister, I have been doing Istikhara, and my feelings about this haven't changed at all. Would it be right for me to, after having done Istikhara numerous times, go against my gut feelings?

Sabiqoon
04-15-2007, 10:59 PM
i am not saying, go against your gut feelings. The guy does sound shady, boarding school...... huh?

have you tried giving him some da'wah?


if you do not know if he does those things, then ask him directly.

Be like, "by the way do you commit sins, I do not want to marry major sinner who is continuously sinning, etc."

Listen if it is bad for you, trust in Allaah that Allaah will not decree this for you.

You should focus on your exams and study
and if anything, steal his money if you do end up marrying him. No sweat.

:)

just kidding about stealing. Remember stealing is haraam.

muslim_girl
04-15-2007, 11:04 PM
Sister, I emailed you.

Faris El-Bakar
04-16-2007, 01:10 PM
If you marry that guy you will destroy his life or he will make your life miserable.

muslim_girl
04-16-2007, 03:05 PM
If you marry that guy you will destroy his life or he will make your life miserable
.Sorry.. I don't really understand what you mean.. can you explain please?

Abu Hurayrah
04-16-2007, 09:01 PM
To be honest, I am really appalled at some of the things being said in this thread. A sister is asking for sincere advice about a very important, life-changing issues, and some people are just saying things, I believe, without thinking.

The best advice was from hassanm, regarding contacting an imaam for help. The rest of us should just console this sister, remind her, but we should not be trying to dictate what is best for her to do. Advising your fellow Muslim is an important trust, and we should not make the problem more complicated.

If we stress on the bad of this situation, it may add strain to her situation with her family. If we stress on the good of this situation, then we may push her into something that is not good for her. The best thing is for someone that can observe the situation, with experience, to get involved - a trusted imaam in the community is, by far, the best thing to do.

Hasn't anyone ever noticed how the most knowledgeable people on these forums - the AlMaghrib instructors - don't just hop into these threads and say what they think? What gives us the confidence to do these when these people of knowledge choose to stay silent? Do you think they are simply ignoring these threads?

Console, comfort, advise, but do not say something that will have greater negative repercussions. Think before you post!

eternalmuslimah
04-16-2007, 09:48 PM
To be honest, I am really appalled at some of the things being said in this thread. A sister is asking for sincere advice about a very important, life-changing issues, and some people are just saying things, I believe, without thinking.

The best advice was from hassanm, regarding contacting an imaam for help. The rest of us should just console this sister, remind her, but we should not be trying to dictate what is best for her to do. Advising your fellow Muslim is an important trust, and we should not make the problem more complicated.

If we stress on the bad of this situation, it may add strain to her situation with her family. If we stress on the good of this situation, then we may push her into something that is not good for her. The best thing is for someone that can observe the situation, with experience, to get involved - a trusted imaam in the community is, by far, the best thing to do.

Hasn't anyone ever noticed how the most knowledgeable people on these forums - the AlMaghrib instructors - don't just hop into these threads and say what they think? What gives us the confidence to do these when these people of knowledge choose to stay silent? Do you think they are simply ignoring these threads?

Console, comfort, advise, but do not say something that will have greater negative repercussions. Think before you post!
couldn't agree more with you...subhaanAllah! people we have no right to judge anyone

i seriously hope that my reply was in line...

if it wasn't i apologize

because it's true...we have no knowledge

Allah 3lam

jazaakAllah ya akhi 'Abu Hurayrah'

heavens_scent
04-16-2007, 10:37 PM
Sis my only advise to you is to make dua'a like no other. Have faith in the power of dua'a even if it is decreed for you to marry this man, only dua'a can change this Qadr.
Get up before fajr and make sincere dua'as, ask the one who is in power of changing what you are in.

I have been through a similar situation and with all honestly the only thing that saved me was the power of dua'a walhamdulilah.

So sis dont lose hope and put your trust in Allah swt and he will NOT let you down inshAllah.

InshAllah i shall remember you in my dua'as habibti.

muslim_girl
04-16-2007, 10:51 PM
Thanks everyone..

It feels comforting knowing I'll be remembered in your duas. I wrote my parents a long letter today, again saying how I feel. This way, I would know they understand where I'm coming from - and I wouldn't ever say, "well, maybe they didn't understand what I meant". My mom read it, said she was happy I expressed how I feel.. but then, what I was hoping wouldn't happen, but at the same time was kind of expecting it.. she told me she still thinks it's good :S. I got very frustrated, and I started crying, so she told me she'd tell me her final decision on Saturday. I already know what she's going to say, and I'm pretty sure she's just trying to make it seem like she'll actually consider everything I said. In the end, I know I'm going to be told that they are only doing what's best for me, that this is good, that the family is wealthy, that he is in the family.. and everything else I have already been told. When I told her everything he said to me, she just said that I am young and these are little things that don't matter in the long run.. which made me feel even worse.

I know there, are people in worse situations that I am (as someone reminded me), but that doesn't make me feel better. It just makes me feel worse, because then I start thinking I'm selfish.

Anyway, thanks again for replying everyone. May Allah help us all.

fsharifa
04-16-2007, 11:12 PM
Salaam Sista,
May Allah make this easy for you insha alah...keep making Dua's and Insha alah your parents will understand and as was said previously by some earlier talk to a local Imam...again may Allah make thing easier for ya.. and you are not selfish...you are just in a different situation that is hurting you... and may Allah Ease you hurt...

eternalmuslimah
04-16-2007, 11:26 PM
have faith in Allah and the best outcome possible will occur insha'Allah

Allah is the only one Who knows what is in people's hearts and He is the only one Who knows the future and so it's futile worrying about these things

You've already voiced out your opinions to your parents...so trust in Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala

and you never know what could be a blessing in disguise

we really don't know anything

khair insha'Allah

HopefulMuslimah
04-17-2007, 03:16 AM
Sis my only advise to you is to make dua'a like no other. Have faith in the power of dua'a even if it is decreed for you to marry this man, only dua'a can change this Qadr.
Get up before fajr and make sincere dua'as, ask the one who is in power of changing what you are in.


So sis dont lose hope and put your trust in Allah swt and he will NOT let you down inshAllah.

InshAllah i shall remember you in my dua'as habibti.
Couldn't agree more:)

AbuHurairah
04-19-2007, 05:51 PM
I would talk to an Imam, but I don't know, I think I would be too shy, and my parents would probably start arguing with the Imam if he told them what they are doing is wrong, and if he told me I was wrong, I would have no choice but to be married to someone I DON'T want to be married to, and my parents would never let me forget that.
Salam
I would second what the other Abu Hurayrah said. If what is stopping you is your concern that the Imam will side with your parents, then I would say that should not stop you from talking to him. Why? One, because you want the truth and shouldnt hide from it, and two, the truth is, at least to the best of my knowledge - I recently spoke to a sheikh here in MI about this exact issue and another issue similar to this - and he said it is Haram for the waliy to force his daughter into a marriage she does not approve of. Period. (He is Univ of Medina grad with bachelors and masters in Shariah and PhD from UM I believe)

With Indo-Pak families, I have found, generally speaking, that they could be very difficult to deal with but a sheikh they generally listen to and respect.

May Allah SWTA help you and make it easy for you. Ameen.

Kaltham
04-19-2007, 10:14 PM
May Allah make your situation easy sis... I believe making du'a is really your most powerful weapon at this time like others have mentioned.. I just don't know how sometimes things like this can happen in our Muslim cultures... but really, this shows how much love and respect you have for your parents that you are not coming straight at them and telling them no when you actually have the full right to do so... and may Allah reward you for that... Allah says in the Quran that we might hate something while it is actually good for us and we might love something that is actually bad for us... Allah knows and we obviously don't know... I feel that your problem is so deep that only someone local who knows both families can help out.. When i was younger, i had a bestfriend who was really pressured to marrying her husband... she was so unhappy about it and even thought about running away, calling the police and everything... I couldn't believe it when right after the Khutba she was the happiest girl ever... Sometimes good things come out of bad things... and only Allah knows how your situation can end up with.. Maybe you should give the letter you wrote to father as well... I feel that sometimes fathers have an extra sympathy for their daughters...

Fii Amaani'Laah

muslim_girl
04-19-2007, 10:51 PM
Thanks again guys.. trust me, at a time when I feel alone, it feels really good inside to know you took your time to write a reply..

Well, my dad is leaving to go there tomorrow.. and my aunt came over, and they were all talking about what they need to take for the family and whatnot. Then they started talking about how the whole family would go probably next year for my nikah, and that's when I exploded. I know it was wrong, and I shouldn't have done that, but at the time, it felt like I had tried everything and no one was listening! My mom told my dad about the letter I wrote, and said that the guy was probably only joking when he said those things (I don't understand how someone could joke to theire potential wife/husband that they are being pressured to call them, or how you could laugh at the way they dress..), and that I should ignore those little things.. then I just got even madder. I told them that I don't want to do it, and I'm not going to, and that if they don't tell them, I will myself. They yelled at me for about an hour, and told me that I shouldn't do Istikhara, that's it's haram for me to do it because I have parents, and parent's should be the ones who make the decisions for me.. that Istikhara is only for those who have no one else.. that I should have made dua' for Allah help them make the choice.. but isn't that sort of part of Istikhara?

Anyway, in the end they said that if I still say no, my dad is going to cancel his flight tomorrow, that he will be embarassed, and never able to show his face again (which made me feel bad because it's my fauly) and that I should better find someone to marry before the end of the year, but that if I ever have any problems during the marriage, I shouldn't ever come to them for help.

I know I did some things wrong in this conversation (starting off by yelling) but it came out of nowhere. They kept saying things, and I wasn't saying anything, but then I just couldn't hold back.

I'm going to say no.. I know I will be in a lot of trouble, and feel very guilty, but I'd rather do that then getting married to someone I don't want to, and who I'm already having problems with about the Nikah... I know I'm being selfish, and I feel bad.. but I DO have a right to refuse..

I don't know!!

If anyone reads this in the next few hours, please let me know if I'm doing something wrong..

Salam

eternalmuslimah
04-19-2007, 10:59 PM
just remember, Allah has given you the right to say no

Allah 3lam

insha'Allah just think things through really well

and then make your decision

eternalmuslimah
04-19-2007, 11:01 PM
well alhamdulillah i believe the shaykh is here, alhamdulillah

muslim_girl
04-19-2007, 11:11 PM
He's on the forum?

muslim_girl
04-20-2007, 01:18 PM
Thanks bro,

I've tried to say things like that.. a lot of the letter I wrote was like that.. but as I already explained, I'm ignored, or laughed at.

My dad is still going today. As usual, what I said was ignored, what happened yesterday, everything I said is forgotten. My mom is gone shopping for gifts right now and I'm miserable.

*sigh* I want to remind my dad since he's home, but he'll just start yelling at me. Walahi, I'm like crying right now. I hate this. I'm going to remind him at the airport (if we go) that way he won't have time to yell at me but I'll still have told him my final answer. I TOLD my parents, that I don't mind them arranging a marriage for me, just not now! Just not to him! But no one cares! No one listens! Why should what I say matter anyways, it's not like it has anything to do with ME!

I don't feel well, I'm going to end this now.

Salam

Umm Salma
04-20-2007, 02:11 PM
The meaning of Al-Istikhaarah:

O Allaah, I seek Your counsel by Your knowledge and by Your power I seek strength and I ask You from Your immense favour, for verily You are able while I am not and verily You know while I do not and You are the Knower of the unseen. O Allaah, if You know this affair -and here he mentions his need- to be good for me in relation to my religion, my life, and end, then decree and facilitate it for me, and bless me with it, and if You know this affair to be ill for me towards my religion, my life, and end, then remove it from me and remove me from it , and decree for me what is good wherever it be and make me satisfied with such.

Put your trust in Allah, and Allah will take care of you, inshaAllah.

As for the story of the Bedouin:
One day Allah's Messenger, sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam, noticed a
Bedouin leaving his camel without tying it. He asked the
Bedouin, "Why don't you tie down your camel?"
The Bedouin answered, "I placed my trust in Allah."
At that, the Prophet, sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam, said, "Tie
your camel and place your trust in Allah" - Tirmidhi

You have done everything you could (i.e. spoken to your parents, expressed your feelings about the whole situation). Just keep making du'a and ask Allah for guidance and ask for what is best for you. If it was decreed by Allah, then it will or won't happen. And by the meaning of the Istikhaara du'a, "if You know this affair to be ill for me towards my religion, my life, and end, then remove it from me and remove me from it". And Allah knows best, so put your trust in Him, inshaAllah.

muslim_girl
04-20-2007, 02:56 PM
You guys,

I told my dad no before he left.. and he got VERY angry.. and so did my mom and aunt. Like, VERY angry. My mom told all the other kids not to talk to me anymore, that she won't talk to me anymore, and that now I'm on my own. My dad told me I better have moved out before he comes back. He said that I am making his face dirty in front of the whole family, and that he will marry that guy to my sister now. Nobody is talking to me, and my parents and aunt are so angry I can't even tell you.

What should I do?

Sirius1
04-20-2007, 03:39 PM
If I were you I would not give in...

Why?

Because I wouldn't want to end up taking prozac b/c of my post-marital dissatisfaction/depression...(which would make my "husband's" life hell. Not to forget the future kids).

I understand that its hard to not give in...especially when you are being ostracized. But losing the approval of your family/friends is better than suppressing your desires and leading a depressed life (maybe even losing your mind).

Also, getting a divorce is easier said than done. Why would you want to get into a relationship which (as it seems now) is predictive of divorce?

Make dua and stay strong. :) May Allah help you with what is best. Ameen.

mahin
04-20-2007, 03:48 PM
Assalaamu alaikum sister,

Did you talk to your local Imaam or masjid leadership? You had mentioned that you thought of it but I wasn't sure if you did or not. I suggest you seek advice from them; if you're not comfortable..perhaps someone on this thread can ask for your specific situation and get back to you. AbuHuraira mentioned that he asked his local imaam about this situation and he got the ruling that it was haraam(which doesn't seem to be the major issue here but rather that your parents are forcing the situation).

Just be patient and be nice to your folks...easier said than done I know w/ the pressure you're under. Keep in mind that they have rights over you, but they can't force you into this.

P.S. You're not Hanafi are you??? Because in Hanafi fiqh...the father can force his daughter into such a marriage. I don't know what Hanafi scholars would say about your situation though...I don't know about the protocol/etiquette in 'forcing' or if it is just a theoretical opinion rather than a practical one.

heavens_scent
04-20-2007, 05:52 PM
^Agreed.
SubhanAllah, I understand you are going through a test and we ask Allah swt to make you amongst those who will pass these tests of life inshAllah,
Another thing I wanted to remind you is that you did mention the fact that you prayed istikharah? Im not sure but if you did then don’t you think that since your parents are still pressuring you towards this… that it can validate as a sign? Allah a3lam

You might see this as the ultimate depression but, in the end you don’t know what is good for you right? Only Allah knows. Considering the fact that we are commanded to obey our parents at all circumstances, then maybe this could be one of the things you should be obeying them in? Yes, I know you have the right to voice your opinion but are you ready to sacrifice their happiness for yours?

Just imagine how Ismail (ra) felt when his father came and told him that he was commanded to slaughter him? If you were in his shoes how would you react?

Remember that whenever you leave or do something for the sake of Allah (swt) Allah will bring khayre out of it and will bless you with something better.

Here is a little story that I’d like to share with you:
Back in the days my sister went through a similar situation as yours. She was pressured to marry a man she didn’t want at all; she wasn’t interested in him for the least bit. No matter what she said my parents thought that he was right for her and that she should marry him. They reasoned the same way you parents reasoned which is: you are too young to know what is good for you…etc.
Anyhow, as time drew closer to her marriage from this man, she was helpless, she didn’t know what to do but to cry in her prayers and ask Allah to help her.
Before things were going to be official she went to my mom, kissed her feet and said: “Mother, marrying this man is like death to me. However, if marrying this man will bring you happiness then im ready to sacrifice my happiness for your happiness. Know that im only doing this because I’m commanded to please you, and from this I seek Allah’s pleasure"

Now, this man happens to be her husband today. They have 8 kids and she loves him more than anything in this world, they are living happily walhamdulilah.
If you ask me this isn’t magic but b/c of her intentions Allah swt put barakah and brought the best out of this marriage.
Years later as I grew older I asked my sister why she did this?
She replied: “Husbands come and go, but your parents dont"
Untill today, my mom never forgets this and she considers my sister as the most obedient daughter she has ever had!

Remember, If it is written for you to marry this man then regardless of what you say it'll happen, and if this man is not written to be your husband then regardless of what your parents say or do he wont. Put your trust in Allah sister. Remember that ZamZam was a gift from Allah to Hajer for the complete trust she had in Allah swt.

Final decision is up to you habibti. Make dua’a, go to your mom and ask her forgiveness, then just put your complete trust in Allah swt .
I Hope this was of some benefit to you inshAllah and as I said before you are in my dua’as :)

Sirius1
04-20-2007, 08:48 PM
He fully told me that he was stressed because he was being pressured to talk to me, he told me I'm too short...Hmm...that comment...

I'm not sure how he's saying it...or what he means by it...so I'm not going to make comments about what he really means...

But if I were you I would definitely wait and ponder over it...(I would think--Is he sending indirect "I'm not interested" signals?)

If its being said like "You're too short (not attractive enough)!" I wouldn't take that as a good sign...especially since its coming so directly...

If its being said in a joking manner...it would still make me wonder...several things would come to mind (but that's just me and I'm speaking hypothetically).

They have this theory about beauty being in the eye of the beholder...and I believe it to be true.

As general advice, I think, a woman must marry a man who finds her physically attractive.

Sirius1
04-21-2007, 08:26 AM
Sister Muslim girl...when you seek people's advice, you will get a wide range of it. I can narrate to you real horror stories that I have seen and heard that are related to "pressured" or forced marriages. Some other people can narrate all the real fairy tales that they have seen and heard. Each of us may be right in their own perceptions, as we are drawing lessons only from the things that WE have seen. We have only seen part of the entire picture. Only Allah knows what is best for you.

The final decision, like sister Heavens_scent said, is in Your hands.

One thing though...
It is true that if you do something only and only for the sake of Allah, He will not disappoint you. I want to say that...it is important for you to analyze your individual situation. You are neither a prophet nor a sahabi. Everyone is at a different level and that's okay as long as they are heading in the right direction. Now the question would be: How much can YOU take? Remember that Allah will not hold you accountable for something you (currently) are not capable of doing and He doesn't ask you to do things that are (currently) beyond your scope. Allah is Gentle. All-Merciful.

Wallahu Alim.

sadiav
04-21-2007, 09:18 AM
Here is a little story that I’d like to share with you:
Back in the days my sister went through a similar situation as yours. She was pressured to marry a man she didn’t want at all; she wasn’t interested in him for the least bit. No matter what she said my parents thought that he was right for her and that she should marry him. They reasoned the same way you parents reasoned which is: you are too young to know what is good for you…etc.
Anyhow, as time drew closer to her marriage from this man, she was helpless, she didn’t know what to do but to cry in her prayers and ask Allah to help her.
Before things were going to be official she went to my mom, kissed her feet and said: “Mother, marrying this man is like death to me. However, if marrying this man will bring you happiness then im ready to sacrifice my happiness for your happiness. Know that im only doing this because I’m commanded to please you, and from this I seek Allah’s pleasure"

Now, this man happens to be her husband today. They have 8 kids and she loves him more than anything in this world, they are living happily walhamdulilah.
If you ask me this isn’t magic but b/c of her intentions Allah swt put barakah and brought the best out of this marriage.
Years later as I grew older I asked my sister why she did this?
She replied: “Husbands come and go, but your parents dont"


Wow SubhanAllah.....thats really something....may Allah SWT shower His Pleasure upon your sister in this life and the next, Ameen

fLoW
04-22-2007, 12:24 AM
this is a test, sister. may Allah give you the patience, the wisdom and the akhlaq to deal with this tough situation. may He open your heart and open your parents' hearts towards each other and do what will be best for you in this life and the hereafter. may Allah give you and your parents the tawfeeq to be content after whatever decision has been made. ameen.


Hasbiyallahu Laa ilaaha illaa hua, 'alayhi tawakkaltu wa hua rabb-ul-'arsh-el-'adheem

Translation: Allah is sufficient for me, none has the right to be worshipped except Him, upon Him I rely and He is Lord of the exalted throne.

abumoosa
04-22-2007, 09:57 AM
Assalaam'aalaikum sister,

I read this thread with growing worry and disdain. I feel the single biggest factor in all of this was the requirement of intervention of an 'outside' adult-outside as in one who is not family or under societial pressure to conform with the culture and 'outside' -as in one who would not feel pressured to agree with a single(elders) viewpoint.
I have not only faced this issue many times but have been on either side of it and I can warn you - with clarity - of being pressured into something as important and life changing as marriage. Time and again we have seen cases of brothers and sisters who have been oppressed by parents, parents who conform to culture and not islam. Time and again we have seen cases of threats and ultimatums-as if this is the only route to making someone agree to your point of view.
Remember to be kind with your parents and show the highest form of respect. The fact that you might have 'blown up' actually goes against you - not only in front of allah - but also in their eyes since it tells them that you are: a) only 'emotional 'about this and not 'thinking' it through, b) too immature to realise the importance of their decisions, c) the 'islamic' phase you're going thru is causing you to be 'extreme' and you will 'come around' some day and thank them for this.
Wa'allahu aalim.
I agree with others on this thread who have constantly asked the sister to raise this matter up with either an imam or a daiee in the area-one who is grounded in knowledge and not just someone who is a 'defacto' imam.
It would also do her well to stress the importance of not being pressurised into a decision or to be forced in a path she does not want-WITHOUT RAISING HER VOICE :).

The current boycott and treatment is nothing short of the continual emotional blackmail I have seen time and again-and though each situation is different-the tactics are the same-and the desired result is the same as well-you need to 'cave in'.

What would be wiser for the sister is to defer judgement on the matter and tell her parents that she wants to think it over for more than a few months-that way-they can also cool down in an already heated situation-and tell the other party to relax on their heels for the time being. She also needs to take this time to explore avenues to reach out to elders in her community or the area where she lives-those who can start to advise her parents-remember the (indo/pak/arab) parents will never take advise from those younger than them, or internet fatawaa or even these forums.

Another wise route is to engage some muslim sisters-reverts or those who are knowledgeable at the masjid and ask them to speak to the sisters mother. Women have nuances which men can seldom tap into.
If the mother can incline towards a lenient attitude in this matter-the father will follow suit inshallah,

Sister-the power of duaa, yaqeen, patience and being the best in behaviour towards your parents takes precedence over everything else. Always keep this in mind in your interaction with them and may allah turn yours and their hearts towards the truth.

Wa'assalaam

Abu Moosa

Faqeera
04-23-2007, 09:29 PM
*Verily, with hardship, there is relief* (94:6)

Eating follows hunger, drinking follows thrist, sleep comes after restlessness, and health takes place of sickness. The lost will find their way, the one in difficulty will find relief, and the day will follow the night.

*Perhaps Allah may bring a victory or a decision according to His will* (5:52)

Inform the night of a coming morning, the light of which will permeate the mountains and valleys. Give to the afflicted tidings of a sudden refief that will reach them with the speed of light or with the blinking of an eye.

If you see that the desert extends for miles and miles, then know that beyond that distance are green meadows with plentiful shade. If you see the rope tighten and tighten, know that it will snap.

Tears are followed by a smile, fear is replaced by comfort, and anxiety is overthrown by serenity. When the fire was set for him. "Prophet Ibraheem (AS) did not feel it's heat because of the help received from his lord.

*We [Allah] said: 'O' Fire! Be you coolness and safety for Ibraheem!* (21:69)

The prophet Muhammad (bpuh) Told Abu Bakr (ra) in the care that Allah was with them, then peace and tranquility decended upon them.

Those that are slaves of the moment see only misery and wretchedness. This is because they look only at the wall and door of the room, whereas they should look beyond such barriers as are set before them.

Therefore do not be in despair: it is impossible for things to remain the same. The days and years rotate, the future is unseen, and every day Allah has matters to bring forth. You know it not, But it may be that Allah will afterward bring some new thing to pass. And verily, with hardship there is relief.

-----

...Taken from an email that i recieved

ilmseeker
04-23-2007, 10:27 PM
Your post is a very sad one indeed. I agree with the others about bringing a local Imam into the matter. Because then someone else can help you through this instead of you trying to battle this by youself all alone. If not an Imam then do you have any family members who you know would take your side and help you through this? May Allah (swt) make a way out for you from this problem. Ameen.

Faqeera
04-23-2007, 10:34 PM
http://islamicity.com/mosque/arabicscript/Ayat/9/9_59.gif (http://islamicity.com/mosque/arabicscript/Ayat/9/ra101_9-59.ram)


"If only they had been content with what Allah and His Messenger gave them, and had said, "Sufficient unto us is Allah. Allah and His Messenger will soon give us of His bounty: to Allah do we turn our hopes!" (that would have been the right course)." (http://islamicity.com/mosque/quran/9.htm#59) 9:59 (http://islamicity.com/mosque/quran/9.htm#59)

blue_blossom
04-24-2007, 12:39 AM
as asalaama alaikum

i honestly feel for you sister and i will try to keep you in my prayers..

seriously..it is not a wise idea to turn down a marriage proposal or an arrangement that your parents have made for you..for a good pious practicing brother...infact i would encourage you if the brother was very practicing to consider it...even if you may not be that physically attracted to him...deen is more important then looks...

however..from the looks of it..this brother does not seem to be very practicing..especially if he is making fun of ur hijaab and skirt..something that allah has made compulsory upon us than this is a whole Other story..allah knows best.....he should have recommended that you wore the abaaya and even the niqaab..not make fun of ur hijaab..how childish is that?

your parents...like an earlier post said..do not come and go..LISTEN TO THEM, RESPECT THEM, LOWER YOUR TONE, LOWER YOUR GAZE WHEN YOUR TALKING TO THEM OUT OF RESPECT..TO TALK TO THEM IN THE SWEETEST TONE...BUT REMEMBER YOU CAN NOT BE FORCED INTO A MARRIAGE WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT..

as a recommendation i think you should not get "EMOTIONAL" act like a grown woman, so you don't prove to them that your just their lil baby girl..who doesn't know what's good for her..

then tell them i just want to ask you one thing..and then i will obey you...

say to them i will listen to you, because you are my parents...and i love you with all my heart...but are you willing to sell me and my future children your grand children to just any family because of status and wealth? is that all i am worth to you, what about the character of this brother that you want me to marry, what about how well he practices islam...do u think he will make a good muhram for me and my children? do you think he will lead me on the right path...do you think he will help me get to jannah...do you think he will wake me up for salat, read the quran to me, teach me hadiths, ...father can you say wallah that this brother even PRAYS.....??????? have you seen in with your own eyes, does the sunnah appear from him...DOEs he practice islam even?

if you can honestly answer yes to all of this, i will put aside my feelings and i will give this relationship and arrangement my best shot...

i want you both as my parents to consider that while you may be chasing the status, and wealth all the material goods...please do not lose the greatest most valuable thing ever brought to us mankind..and that's our religion..islam...

please do not let me marry a brother who is not upon the sunnah, who does not even pray..i beg of you..because not only is my dunya in danger because i will not be happy ever living with him but the hear after is going to be in extreme danger for all of us..including both of you because you both are the ones who arranged this marriage and the hearafter of myself and my future children..

i honestly think you should say that to your parents in the most calm tone...and i will bet you..that it will give them something to think about...and maybe just maybe your voice will be heard..

do not give up hope..and make dua..

i wish u all the best inshallah...

Monazza
04-24-2007, 11:00 AM
I completely agree with everyone else who has posted. First of all, there is no "pre-requisite age" for making istikhara and I think you should point out to your mother that if you're old enough to BE MARRIED then one would only assume you're old enough to make istikhara. What is istikhara anyway? Essentially, it is a du'a one makes to Allah (swt) when seeking guidance about a particular decision. The only requirement is that you do it with a neutral state of mind. Don't even bother making istikhara if you've already decided you are or aren't going to do something. Remember, istikhara is simply du'a and there is no age for that. Small children make du'a for things every day.
Also, regardless of what your reasons are for not wanting to marry this man (either because you don't like him or you just don't want to get married right now), it's YOUR RIGHT and no one else's. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Use the links that people were kind enough to provide you with and don't tell them, SHOW them. If they consider themselves true Muslims, they will listen insha'Allah. Also, just like you made du'a for guidance about this man, make du'a to Allah (swt) to give your parents fiqh. Best of luck with everything and may you find true happiness in anything you pursue insha'Allah. :0)

asha_double07
04-26-2007, 05:14 PM
Salam muslim_girl

First if I was in your position I would have said no. If your parents want proof then here is a hadith from our prophet(SAW):

The Messenger of Allaah http://islamqa.com/images/saws.gif (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A previously-married woman should not be married without being consulted, and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, how is her permission given?” He said, “By her silence.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6455).

Sabiqoon
04-27-2007, 04:42 AM
Salam muslim_girl

First if I was in your position I would have said no. If your parents want proof then here is a hadith from our prophet(SAW):

The Messenger of Allaah http://islamqa.com/images/saws.gif (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A previously-married woman should not be married without being consulted, and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, how is her permission given?” He said, “By her silence.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6455).




wow, if it was that simple, we wouldn't exactly have 5 pages of thread here. Thank you for enlightening us.

Sabiqoon
04-27-2007, 04:43 AM
In Hanafi fiqh from what was stated in this thread and from what I have heard, she maybe married without her permission........

J_Zafar1994
11-04-2009, 02:41 AM
salams sis
look i think u shouldnt give in. ur family is being wayyyy unreasonable. i mean Allah(Swt) ave u the right to refuse and no person can take that awa frm u. let them be mad. eventually they will get over it. it may take time but insahallah they will. and also, remind them that their honor or whtever isnt more valuable then ur happiness. cuz serioulsy its marriage, a life long commitment, not something u can just back out of easily. be strong sis and dont lose hope in Allah. HE is always with u and u will get rewarded for this painful trial.
my duas r with u....
salam alykum

IbnMasood
11-04-2009, 07:05 AM
salams sis
look i think u shouldnt give in. ur family is being wayyyy unreasonable. i mean Allah(Swt) ave u the right to refuse and no person can take that awa frm u. let them be mad. eventually they will get over it. it may take time but insahallah they will. and also, remind them that their honor or whtever isnt more valuable then ur happiness. cuz serioulsy its marriage, a life long commitment, not something u can just back out of easily. be strong sis and dont lose hope in Allah. HE is always with u and u will get rewarded for this painful trial.
my duas r with u....
salam alykum

I think if it was 2 years ago it should be resolved by now in one way or another lol

SubmittedToAllah
11-11-2009, 09:30 AM
I think if it was 2 years ago it should be resolved by now in one way or another lol

LOOOOOL! Yup. I wonder what the case is now.