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AbdulHasib
04-24-2007, 07:36 AM
As-salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatAllah,

I had recently a discussion with a brother in terms of his qualms of not getting married yet and he said something interesting (besides your run-of-the-mill excuses).

He said: You know I'm careful in choosing a wife because a lot of the sisters out there have gone from believing the relationship between a husband and wife is that OF a 'husband and wife' to that of 'best friends.' What I mean by that is she expects him to be his best friend, and in the end... 'best friends' are deemed expendable.

Just as love, relationship, mercy, and friendship have a place in marriage - so does obedience, respect, and servitude (i.e. to each other as husband and wife).

I'd like to propose a discussion from the brothers and sisters.

(KEEPING IN MIND THE ABOVE QUESTION APPLIES TO BOTH BROTHERS AND SISTERS)

What are your thoughts?

Faqeera
04-24-2007, 10:22 AM
Assalammualaikum

this probably won't answer the question, but i just wanted to share it....

My family and I went over my mom's friends house and her husband was upstairs...so after we ate and everything, when we were leaving i believe i said, 'oh your husband must be mad cuz he didnt eat yet' and then she said a statement that stuck in my head....she said:

"Oh no, me and him are friends"

That was a big blow in my head...husband..friend? It seemed so foreign to me for some reason but Subhan'Allaah, then it got me thinking that Yeah! Why not....

Why does it seem so odd for a husband to be a wife's friend? .....cuz it's a MUTUAL relationship....not one way or the highway

ah well, the beauty of friendship...

Assalamualaikum

Monazza
04-24-2007, 11:06 AM
I would LOVE for my husband to be my best friend. After all, what is a best friend? Someone you can go to for anything. When you need consoling. When you need advice. When you need to feel loved. When you feel like talking. When you feel playful. When you have a problem. When you just want to be with someone. When you want to share your interests withi someone. When you need help. When you wish to seek knowledge. When you want to better yourself. When you want to become closer to Allah. When you want to share your most intimate thoughts with someone. I would HOPE that everyone wants their spouse to be their best friend. I certainly do.

AbdulHasib
04-24-2007, 12:17 PM
hmm i think he meant more that since it's that 'best friend' status the wife will not give due right in obeying the husband.

I'm trying to see where this is coming from a perspective other than what we, as single people, view as ideals.

Ha that being said.. i still would not give my views on the topic in hopes of being a fair surveyor -P

MORE THOUGHTS MORE IDEAS!

Sr.Anam
04-24-2007, 12:42 PM
Why wont she give him his due right if she takes him as his best friend?

He can be both, can't he??...
A Husband AND her Best Friend-- not--- A Husband OR her Best Friend

Allahu Alam

Siraaj
04-24-2007, 01:11 PM
As-salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatAllah,

I had recently a discussion with a brother in terms of his qualms of not getting married yet and he said something interesting (besides your run-of-the-mill excuses).

He said: You know I'm careful in choosing a wife because a lot of the sisters out there have gone from believing the relationship between a husband and wife is that OF a 'husband and wife' to that of 'best friends.' What I mean by that is she expects him to be his best friend, and in the end... 'best friends' are deemed expendable.

Just as love, relationship, mercy, and friendship have a place in marriage - so does obedience, respect, and servitude (i.e. to each other as husband and wife).

I'd like to propose a discussion from the brothers and sisters.

(KEEPING IN MIND THE ABOVE QUESTION APPLIES TO BOTH BROTHERS AND SISTERS)

What are your thoughts?

Your friend is living in too theoretical a world.

Siraaj

Warda
04-24-2007, 02:03 PM
Why wont she give him his due right if she takes him as his best friend?

He can be both, can't he??...
A Husband AND her Best Friend-- not--- A Husband OR her Best Friend

Allahu Alam

Exactly.

My sister considers her husband as her best friend and it doesn't prevent her from fulfilling the responsibilities of a wife. Just because he is also her friend does not mean he is any less of a husband... nor does it mean she has no other friends except her husband. There are certain things you can do with your husband/ friend and others that you can only do with friends that are of the same gender. To make it work, you need to know where to draw the line :)

Sirius1
04-24-2007, 03:35 PM
If the spouses view each other as friends, wouldn't it be easier for them to persuade each other to get what they want?

Perhaps, there are some issues with the way a 'best friend' is being defined.

Walaikum as-salaam wa rahmatullah.

AbdulHasib
04-24-2007, 03:37 PM
Your friend is living in too theoretical a world.

Siraajhmm I'm trying to diagnose exactly that..

what has caused him to make these conclusions?

Mostly it is because of an extreme, we may out of our injustice judge with an equal and opposite extreme.

My point in making this thread was also geared toward an understanding amongst husband and wife to understand that not only does (the constantly addressed topic of) the wife have rights and she has obligations, rather from those rights is the husband to establish this intimate friendship. i.e. as the self alluded title of one of shaykh Yaser Birjas (hafidhahullah)'s speeches states - The Problem with Women - is Men themselves.

That being said, it is not only our responsibility as husbands to give that example, to be authoritarian not authoritative. At the same time I firmly believe, if the husband sets the example and deals in kindness and affection and shows through his authority his responsibility and care, then there is no wife that would not be pleased and obey him, and if otherwise, is simple lack of 'aql (marital dischord set aside).

WAllahu 'Alam

Any more thoughts?

AbdulHasib
04-24-2007, 04:01 PM
If the spouses view each other as friends, wouldn't it be easier for them to persuade each other to get what they want?

Perhaps, there are some issues with the way a 'best friend' is being defined.

Walaikum as-salaam wa rahmatullah.perhaps,

But I think it's the fear of responsibility as well that leads one to say BECAUSE of this 'best friend' relationship he will not marry and take the responsibility.

Shows lack of confidence and self esteem if anything.

Sarah Mushtaq
04-24-2007, 06:05 PM
I've always thought that spouse also equals best friend. I mean you're gonna live your whole life with this person so they're going to know you the best. Like Sr. Anam said, he or she can be both. He or she should be the first one you go to when you have a problem. I think best friend and spouse are interdependant. A good spouse should be a good friend and your best friend, after marriage, should be your spouse.

That's my view:) wa Allahu'alim.

AbdulHasib
04-24-2007, 06:24 PM
Really?He was saying along the lines of how when 'friends' fight or don't get along it's simple: one friend is on "equal" terms with the other and there is this yelling back and forth with no line of respect/'authority.' In the end they just say 'we aren't friends anymore," and go get a new 'friend.' He was using the current muslim divorce rate and what he has witnessed from certain individuals and their treatment of their spouse, as well as the 'attitude' of individuals he's witnessed and dealt with ..





i.e. in real life situations where relationships are not founded upon taqwa but other than that..

I mean if you look realistically suitable marriage is hard to find much less, harder to establish!

I think there are brothers and sisters who can attest to that from both sides..

It's a challenge and a test finding a suitable match ... that's why the quicker one realizes it's not in our hands, the quicker we would realize there is no point in being engrossed in the 'suffering' from the lack thereof (of course not negating that there is suffering..).

WAllahu 'Alam

Zawjatu_Zakaria
04-24-2007, 06:27 PM
Asalamu Alaikum

Honestly if having a husband does not mean having a best friend, then I don't think there is a point for a woman to get married. Companionship is to women as sexual desire is to men. Some people really make marriage too theoritical. To some men, marriage is just a means to satisfy their desires and to be "obeyed" and all they need to do is to give shelter and clothe the woman in return. Marriage is very deep. It is complicated. It's not like "if I become my wife's friend, then my marriage is doomed, I have to be her master"

What me and my husband are going through right now, we would not be holding on like we are right now allhumdulilah had my husband not been my bestest friend in the whole world and vice versa. He is my companion in this dunya and in akhirah. He is not just my master, he is more than that.

AbdulHasib
04-24-2007, 06:40 PM
JazzaakumAllahukhaira very true and it is complicated..



I just wanted to say let's keep in mind i'm not inciting our ideals at all -).

meaning this isn't about what we would LIKE or what we ARE, or what we would expect in our relationships.

This is simply a discussion about a specific claim that a pure 'friendship' mentalty has it's negatives and as a result and consequence of these (so-called) 'negatives' it's stopping someone from getting married or delaying it.

Is there weight to the claim, or is it purely a flaw and fault of the claimant?

A wife that deals with her husband with no "respect" or 'authority' like a 'friend' that she happens to exhort her own will over his, etc.

Does this exist? Of course it does.

Is it grounds to be wary of marriage?

What did we all learn from Fiqh of Love and Love notes to refute this claim?? COME ON PEOPLE -)

THIS IS A REAL EXAM, WHERE'S THE PRAGMATICS.

I'm not shaykh Yaser (hafidhahullah) who can give Fiqh Quizzes, but if I could I'd hand out chocolates for some good answers -).

Rocher anyone?

http://www.buonitalia.com/files/CPB00000/492.jpg

Zawjatu_Zakaria
04-24-2007, 08:06 PM
What kind of person does not respect his friend? As I mentioned earlier that my husband is my best friend. This does not prevent me from fearing his displeasure. Actually it makes it easy for me to obey him as I hate to displease him. And on top of that, I fear Allah. Any woman who fears Allah and fears Allah's displeasure would not wish to disobey her husband. So I really think that's a baseless argument.

A man should be not concerned about the types of women out there, he should be more concerned about the type of man he is. His goal should be to be the best husband he can be for the sake of Allah and pray to Allah that He blesses him with a righteous wife.

Sure there are terrible and disobedient wives out there, but that shouldn't stop you from completing half your deen. You should have trust in Allah that He will look after your affairs.

tameem-adarami
04-24-2007, 08:30 PM
Rasoolulah said "If I were to take a friend, it would be Abu Bakr"

I though marriage was about best friends and stuff...until I got married.


WAKE UP PEOPLE.....don't be fooled when you find out a couple of years after marriage that your husband or wife IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND.

Quite Frankly, frienship is a part of marriage but not a dominant factor.


Surely ALLAH knows BEST

Sr.Anam
04-24-2007, 09:14 PM
Rasoolulah said "If I were to take a friend, it would be Abu Bakr"
Thats very interesting, can you please provide a daleel for that?!

I think you should encourage your friend to get on the forums and post on this thread.. {maybe that way he will get hooked to almaghrib< if he isnt already> and will register for the next class in houston :) }... so we can see exactly where he is coming from.

I just think that if he isn't looking for a friend but only a 'wife' then he'll be looking for a loooooonnnnggg time.

and Allah knows best!

P.S:: why are only the sisters responding to this thread?!

SeekingILM
04-24-2007, 09:22 PM
Thats very interesting, can you please provide a daleel for that?!

I think you should encourage your friend to get on the forums and post on this thread.. {maybe that way he will get hooked to almaghrib< if he isnt already> and will register for the next class in houston :) }... so we can see exactly where he is coming from.

I just think that if he isn't looking for a friend but only a 'wife' then he'll be looking for a loooooonnnnggg time.

and Allah knows best!

P.S:: why are only the sisters responding to this thread?!
This is a very well known hadeeth, its authenticity has been established.

“There is no one among the people who has been more generous to me with his life and his property than Abu Bakr ibn Abi Quhaafa (radiallahu anhu) and if I was to take a bosom friend, I would take Abu Bakr as my bosom friend. But, the friendship of Islam is better. Block off every door in this Masjid except the door of Abu Bakr” [Saheeh Al-Bukharee]

Siraaj
04-24-2007, 09:41 PM
hmm I'm trying to diagnose exactly that..

what has caused him to make these conclusions?

Mostly it is because of an extreme, we may out of our injustice judge with an equal and opposite extreme.

My point in making this thread was also geared toward an understanding amongst husband and wife to understand that not only does (the constantly addressed topic of) the wife have rights and she has obligations, rather from those rights is the husband to establish this intimate friendship. i.e. as the self alluded title of one of shaykh Yaser Birjas (hafidhahullah)'s speeches states - The Problem with Women - is Men themselves.

That being said, it is not only our responsibility as husbands to give that example, to be authoritarian not authoritative. At the same time I firmly believe, if the husband sets the example and deals in kindness and affection and shows through his authority his responsibility and care, then there is no wife that would not be pleased and obey him, and if otherwise, is simple lack of 'aql (marital dischord set aside).

WAllahu 'Alam

Any more thoughts?

Have you ever noticed how often you hang out with your recently married friends? You noticed how they've disappeared after marriage? Was it just because he's all in love and giddy? Nope. It's because his wife will take all his time, wanting to spend time with him, wanting him to show her that he loves her, talking with her, hanging out with her, and so forth.

You ever notice when he gets a call from his wife? "Sorry guys, gotta go, wife is calling me home." You ever notice he sometimes needs permission to out? "Sorry guys, my wife wants me to stay home tonight."

Guys can talk about all the authority they want, but at the end of the day, the majority of the time, the relationship is one in which the wife is a friend who doesn't like to share her friend - she wants all her friends' attention. Yes, it's true, it's not just my experience, it's just about every guy you'll see and meet.

Having said that, is there a time the guy gets authoritative? Yes, it happens when your wife is pushing or getting clearly irrational. You can raise your voice, be firm, say no, and brook no nonsense. As long as you're not abusing that, it's fine. But if it's done all the time, then yes, you'll strain your relationship, and that bent rib will break.

The moral of the story is, if you feel you need to "exert your authority" all the time, you have security (or insecurity) issues. There is no doubt you'll have to on occasion, but women are human beings, and befriending your wife (who, by the way, is also your sister in Islam) will not lessen your authority. It will increase the love and the mercy in the marriage, and minimize the need for authority in the first place.

Siraaj

hassanm
04-24-2007, 10:00 PM
Some amazing observations (from this thread as well)

1. All women (married or single) want their husbands to be best friend.
2. Men are not so sure if that is or can be the case.
3. Some married women are claiming that their husbands are best friend.
4. So far no married man has posted on forum claiming his wife to be his best friend.
5. Some single men are claiming that they want their wife to be best friend. Perhaps they think thats how they would get married :D

Sabiqoon
04-24-2007, 11:28 PM
interesting thread!

I must say that my husband was the first one to say that you are my best friend or I am your best friend, etc.


I can see why guys would feel that they would get less respect, if this whole friend thing came in. And I have to somewhat agree.

But I think, here you can blame the culture of Western Society rather than the concept of friendship.

In muslim world culture, women can be companions, "friends" yet very much obedient to their husbands.

In Western Society, yes women will see an "equal" footing and if their friend is being mean to them or messing with them then they can "break" that friendship.

Offcourse that depends on individuals. Some individuals are very loyal friends and women in general are a loyal creature(unlike men).

blue_blossom
04-25-2007, 12:48 AM
loooooooooool..first of all..this discussion kept making me laugh..and each response made me laugh even harder..da confused sisters, with some of the brothers tryna find a logical reason as to why the brother said what he said..

anyways..my opinion is a married couple..could be friends..but the whole MARRIAGe is not based on that friendship...and verily we do argue with our friends, yell back...and MOST of the time..we don't really think of respecting OUr friends..because they're just are friends..and evidently dey are not gonna take what we say to them ..to their hearts..everything amongst us is a joke..and when we have a serious discussion..it becomes serious..but most of the time we just joke around with our friends..and correct me if im wrong but how many friends..do we have that we pour our heart and soul out to? NOt many...and how many people CAN ACTUALLY SAY they have a bestfriend?...lol or maybe im da loner..lol but i have a few mutual friends..and we have fun with one another we tell each other things..but i honestly can't see myself describing my future husband as a MY BESTFRIEND...

however A MARRIAGE should be completely different..not that i am a marriage specialist or anything..lol

for example..my muslim teacher and his wife...THEY honestly are the best example i can think of...they both got married at an extremely young age..17 and 13...and now they are in their mid twenties and late twenties...but his wife has the UTMOST RESPEct for her husband..its soo beautiful and her husband is the most compassionate towards her..they call each other the best of names...and she has YET TO argue with him infront of us..w/e he says goes..she doesn't talk back..not dat she needs to but..if she wants to solve anything with him..she does it behind closed doors, if he wants to discipline the children..she doesn't show the children that she disagrees with their father...


the communication between them is so wonderful, the respect they have for one another is extremely undefinable...

Ladies when looking for your future husband...you should marry someone whose decisions you trust, whose values you carry in your heart...i know its easier said den done..but remember he is ur husband..and you do have to obey him..unless he is asking you to do something that's gonna make you leave your religion..

friends might not take things personal..but being married..HOW PERSONAL Can u get..come on we joke around with our friends..call each other names..i can't see my husband jokingly making fun of me..and me not taking it to the heart... i think intimacy surpasses the limitations of friendship...

calling your husband your bestfriend..its too simple...there should be FRIENDSHIP in the marriage..however..THE FOUNDATION of the marriage is not based on that..and a halal marriage is soo much more beautiful and enriching then any textbook friendship definition..

and that my friends is my lil two cents..

salaama alaikum..

AbdulHasib
04-25-2007, 07:47 AM
wow masha'aAllah..

I didn't know who to quote first.. ha.

This is why i love the AlMaghrib forums when they truly are beneficial!!!

JazaakumAllahukhairan to the sisters especially sister Zawjatu Zakaria, her nasiha coupled with tameem-adarami masha'aAllah is excellent!

Bro Siraaj dude jazaakaAllahukhair for that break down! ha i think just that whole "i've gotta go" married brothers do is a proof in and of itself against this claim!

And to all of the rest of the sisters jazaakumAllahukhairan

What highlighted for me is EXACTLY what akhi hassanm stated..

Gems i learned (a lot btw):
-SubhanAllah, Allah 'azza wa jal created men and women to establish and gain EQUAL success but they are not the SAME.

-Really and truly, with all this logic and rational men try to seek... we would go insane without that STRONG emotional counterpart. And I truly beleive this is a mercy from Allah ta'la. This thread is a proof of that if we were to follow and read through it's sequence.

-When you really follow the commandments of Allah ta'la and His Messenger in ALL aspects of life, subhanAllah it COUPLES your natural inclination (fitrah) for BOTH men and women.

-One amazing thing is: sister Sabiqoon mentioned something that's been resonating in my head for a long time. " But I think, here you can blame the culture of Western Society rather than the concept of friendship."
SubhanAllah it's such a great blessing living in this soceity, people from 'back home' come here and establish their Islam MORE SO than they would have 'back home.' WHY? Because it allows you to not only witness the consequence of not being in Islam (submission), but opens your mind to the 'thinking' and 'pondering' that Allah 'azza wa jal talks about in the qur'an.. It allows us to have OPEN minds to turn BACK to Allah ta'la STRONGER than ever! Until you reach Allah 'azza wa jal bi qalbin saleem.

Wow subhanAllah this thread was gem-packed! Masha'aAllah I learned a lot just from the responses and HOW they responded -).

May Allah purify our hearts, give us the understanding of the deen, and make easy for us the path seeking nearness to Him.

May Allah allow us to be just in all cases and situations. May Allah 'azza wa jal allow us to take admonition and benefit us from what we learned and give us companions that with His help will raise us to the highest of ranks in Jannah and make easy for us our time in the dunya.. Ameen ya Rub.

And May Allah reward you all with the best of reward -).
I really benefitted. JazaakumAllahukhairan.

WAllahu 'Alam

Osob Mohamud
04-25-2007, 11:46 AM
Asalamualkum,

It would be nice if a married couple were best friends, yeah there are some negative characteristics in "friendship" but basically if you take the best "characteristic" of a best friend, than it would be fine to have it in relationship between to married couple.

spana3rabia
04-25-2007, 05:03 PM
This is simply a discussion about a specific claim that a pure 'friendship' mentalty has it's negatives and as a result and consequence of these (so-called) 'negatives' it's stopping someone from getting married or delaying it.

1) Is there weight to the claim, or is it purely a flaw and fault of the claimant?

A wife that deals with her husband with no "respect" or 'authority' like a 'friend' that she happens to exhort her own will over his, etc.

Does this exist? Of course it does.

2)Is it grounds to be wary of marriage?

What did we all learn from Fiqh of Love and Love notes to refute this claim?? COME ON PEOPLE -)

THIS IS A REAL EXAM, WHERE'S THE PRAGMATICS.



1) no, its a faulty claim. friends dont step over one another IF they have the proper adab and taqwa integrated [instilled]into their systems.

Friendship is not the problem. Its the type of friend you befriend that you must be wary of; friend=wife.[in the brothers case.] friend=spouse[for everyone else =D]insha Allah.

2) No, marriage is half of our deen. cant be wary of it. Just gotta be careful...who you get married to. and qadr Allah maa sha'a fa3la.

Zawjatu_Zakaria
04-25-2007, 05:56 PM
lol...

Naw, i dont want my husband to be my best friend, mostly men are too care free..


On the other day, i was pouring my heart to my brother and he SEEMED to be listening to me with great detail, however his phone rang and he goes like 'hold on..i have to attend this call'......I was like whattttt ...
lol that's my husband! Everytime I'm pouring my heart, after like "sincerely" listening for 5 mins, he always asks " Honey, what time is it?" lol

Friendship doesn't prevent me from obeying him. I mean he's my friend but when it comes to serious issues, he's not my friend, but rather a husband who I need to obey. Other than the serious issues, both of us just relax about the "rules" and the boundaries. I think the rules are different for each marriage depending on the type of husband and wife you are. Most of my convo with my husband is just dissing him and making fun of him and he loves it but I know many husbands wouldn't like that.

Most convos go like

Me: Hey ugly
Hubby: Hey loser, did you know that Imam Shafee holds the opinion that women have half the brain the men do?
Me: Yeah he's probably right. If women had full brains , we wouldn't marry morons like you.
Hubby: Shut up....actually hold on...that is true :D

Hala
04-25-2007, 06:04 PM
Most convos go like

Me: Hey ugly
Hubby: Hey loser, did you know that Imam Shafee holds the opinion that women have half the brain the men do?
Me: Yeah he's probably right. If women had full brains , we wouldn't marry morons like you.
Hubby: Shut up....actually hold on...that is true :DTotal LOL moment, jazaakiAllah khayran :)

UmMaryam&Khadeejah
04-25-2007, 07:21 PM
As a married sister I can see why the Brother was wary about being "best friends" with your wife.

I would not rate my husband as my best friend but rather he is far above that in every aspect of our lives together. He warrants more respect and obedience and gratefulness that I can offer him, over and above that which I owe a best friend. True he does share with me my secrets, troubles, ups and downs but through his obligation to Allah SWT he provides for me, teaches me, loves me and protects me so I think that to simply substitute the word "marriage" with "best friends" would be unjust I feel.

I guess what I am saying is that our relationship includes the aspect of being best friends but thats not where it ends rather thats only where it begins.

So I'd agree with your friend who is a little wary, you and your wife can be best friends but thats where the responsibilty to each starts not where it ends.


"Men are in charge of Women (by right) of what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend (in Maintenance) from their wealth.So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard." Surah AnNisa Ayah 34

Bint Ahmad
04-25-2007, 09:46 PM
As a married sister I can see why the Brother was wary about being "best friends" with your wife.

I would not rate my husband as my best friend but rather he is far above that in every aspect of our lives together.

I guess what I am saying is that our relationship includes the aspect of being best friends but thats not where it ends rather thats only where it begins.

So I'd agree with your friend who is a little wary, you and your wife can be best friends but thats where the responsibilty to each starts not where it ends.
Jazaaki Allahu Khair for sharing that Um Maryam. I would appreciate more input from sisters and brothers who can speak from experience. Those who are not married can only speculate on this issue and as we learn from Shaykh Yaser in Fiqh of Love, you have to be married to know and actually understand what it's about. The same way you can't love your spouse until you've been married, I'm going to assume (I hope that's not me being a hypocrite since the point of my post is that it would be better not to assume and speculate without experience) that you won't know what your relationship will be with your husband or wife until you have one. Still, it is very interesting and often funny to see the differences between the sisters' input and the brothers' input.

"And the male is not like the female". Aal Imran - 3:36

Zawjatu_Zakaria
04-25-2007, 09:53 PM
Someone needs to define what a friend is or a best friend. Or at least what does it mean when someone says my husband/wife is my best friend. Does it mean that they don't look at each other as spouses? Does it mean that a wife thinks her husband is not deserving of respect? No. I really still can't see how anyone can say that being a friend to your wife will prevent her from obeying you.

As UmMaryum&Khadeejah said that a husband is more than a best friend. And that's true. But that is ONE of his role. That does not mean his role as a friend or as a companion prevents him from playing any other role such a authoritative husband, a father, a provider etc. Same goes for the wife.

I do believe love and friendship is the basis of marriage. Of course, deen is very important. But it terms of keeping the marriage going, you need that kind of bond where you can talk freely with each other, you can joke and play together. You can fight , you can argue etc. If all you got in a marriage is a husband commanding his wife "Do this!" and a wife simply replying in "Yes dear" It wouldn't work. Again dont' get me wrong. No matter what, the wife has to be obey her husband. But to say that a wife should not even express her opinion and should only say what he wants her to say. You're not gonna get a lovely marriage. You need that kind of openess and relaxation between a marriage to keep it lasting years after years. Rigidness usually lasts for few years and then a woman is broken.

Kaltham
04-25-2007, 10:00 PM
As a married sister I can see why the Brother was wary about being "best friends" with your wife.

I would not rate my husband as my best friend but rather he is far above that in every aspect of our lives together. He warrants more respect and obedience and gratefulness that I can offer him, over and above that which I owe a best friend. True he does share with me my secrets, troubles, ups and downs but through his obligation to Allah SWT he provides for me, teaches me, loves me and protects me so I think that to simply substitute the word "marriage" with "best friends" would be unjust I feel.

I guess what I am saying is that our relationship includes the aspect of being best friends but thats not where it ends rather thats only where it begins.

So I'd agree with your friend who is a little wary, you and your wife can be best friends but thats where the responsibilty to each starts not where it ends.


"Men are in charge of Women (by right) of what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend (in Maintenance) from their wealth.So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard." Surah AnNisa Ayah 34
Absolutely beautiful masha Allah.. I thought the whole thing was weird, but i just didn't know exactly why, but what you said made me realize it all..

It's weird that the brother is claiming this subject is the reason why he's holding off on marriage, i mean i don't agree with sisters/brothers wanting their spouse to be their bestfriend but it shouldnt be a reason to hold off on marriage... Plus, its such a vague issue, does he ask the prospect wife if she wants him as a husband or bestfriend?

Also, if you ever had a male/female friend (in Jahiliyyah hopefully) you'd know they're the last person you would want as a husband/wife.. There is an element in that friendship that completely wipes out the possibility of being interested in the other person, and that is the obedience and respect between them both.. Both men and women have that mutual obedience in their relationship as husband and wife, but in friendship, its have it your way and i'll have it my way and alhamdulilah we don't have to influence one another's choices...!! Plus, if your bestfriend had an opinion or had a plan to do something or even did something you did not like and did not disagree with, you'd let them know but this might not change your friendship at all.. I don't think it is possible to ignore your spouse's opinions and actions..

Fii Amaani'Laah

blue_blossom
04-25-2007, 10:03 PM
lol ya i think the brother is going a lil too extreme if his main reason for not getting married as of yet..is because of the concept that some sisters want to be best friends with their husbands..

Sirius1
04-25-2007, 10:15 PM
I'm not shaykh Yaser (hafidhahullah) who can give Fiqh Quizzes, but if I could I'd hand out chocolates for some good answers -).

Rocher anyone?

http://www.buonitalia.com/files/CPB00000/492.jpgPeripherally related: Hmm...I didn't know that chocolate was halaal! Is it?

~Oum AbdurRahman~
04-26-2007, 12:07 PM
I only got to the first page of this thread. However honestly, in general it's not easy to carry on a "Best Friend" relationship with a husband. WHY? Because a lot of men just by how Allah created them in the fitrah, cannot sit and listen to a women for very long without getting bored. Men don't like to talk and discuss and listen to our stories all that much. They just want to eat, sleep and get there rights and be left alone.

So those who say their husbands are their best friends are rare fortunate people masha'allah.

Muminah
04-26-2007, 12:40 PM
I agree Umm Abdur Rahman, but if alot of men dont like to listen to stories, they should take the example of Rasool Allah (SAW), if you recall Rasool Allah (SAW) would listen to the stories of Aisha (RA). The hadith on Abu Dharr and Umm Dharr, it is pretty long, and Rasool Allah (SAW) listened to all of this and along with that responded back to Aisha (RA).

The most important part to the husband is respect and the most important part to the wife is love/kindness. If both can work out this, the relationship can be very sweet.....but i dont think it should be as "BEST FRIENDS". Sometimes your husband is not ready enough to be your best friend, so its best to have your own private space, where you can just speak to ALLAH swt and complain to HIm (SAW) of all your problems. A well respected sister who is very God Fearing and wise can also help give good advices. We dont need to always turn back to our husband for every little problem we have. Otherwise he can get very tired and frustrated.

The best approach is that we give each other the right they deserve and the love they should be given, after that be smart what to say and what not to say.....

May Allah swt grant us wisdom and tolerance to deal with our spouses and grant us the ability to perform alot of good in this short period of life ameen.

Niqaabis
04-26-2007, 05:02 PM
As salaam 'alaikum

I’m not really in a position where I can contribute in this thread
but I really enjoyed reading and have benefited from some of the points made here

Jazaakumullaahu khairan..

craving-jannah
04-26-2007, 11:19 PM
Most convos go like

Me: Hey ugly
Hubby: Hey loser, did you know that Imam Shafee holds the opinion that women have half the brain the men do?
Me: Yeah he's probably right. If women had full brains , we wouldn't marry morons like you.
Hubby: Shut up....actually hold on...that is true :D
MashAllah...interesting convo & nice come back!
May Allah join you [and your spouse] in Jannah.
-3rif

Bin Wahdy
05-04-2007, 01:54 PM
Reading all of this makes me want to get married.


It's nice to see replies by both sides of the coin (men and women) in relation to friendship in marraige.

Mubarak
05-04-2007, 03:04 PM
I agree Umm Abdur Rahman, but if alot of men dont like to listen to stories, they should take the example of Rasool Allah (SAW), if you recall Rasool Allah (SAW) would listen to the stories of Aisha (RA). The hadith on Abu Dharr and Umm Dharr, it is pretty long, and Rasool Allah (SAW) listened to all of this and along with that responded back to Aisha (RA).

The most important part to the husband is respect and the most important part to the wife is love/kindness. If both can work out this, the relationship can be very sweet.....but i dont think it should be as "BEST FRIENDS". Sometimes your husband is not ready enough to be your best friend, so its best to have your own private space, where you can just speak to ALLAH swt and complain to HIm (SAW) of all your problems. A well respected sister who is very God Fearing and wise can also help give good advices. We dont need to always turn back to our husband for every little problem we have. Otherwise he can get very tired and frustrated.

The best approach is that we give each other the right they deserve and the love they should be given, after that be smart what to say and what not to say.....

May Allah swt grant us wisdom and tolerance to deal with our spouses and grant us the ability to perform alot of good in this short period of life ameen.

Mash'Allah, very well put sister (I couldnt have said it any better myselfhttp://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon7.gif)

~Oum AbdurRahman~
05-06-2007, 02:01 PM
I heard one time someone say, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and the way to a woman's soul is through her ears."

THat is like sooooo true.

Umm-Layth
05-12-2007, 02:12 AM
as-Salaamu `alaykum

One of the most beautiful, most sweetest feelings is to feel the true friendship between a husband and a wife. You can call this marriage or add to it the title of best friends, it really doesn't matter because in the end it is the certain factors that are present that really matter. Sincerity, trust, and so on are what will make a beautiful marriage.

You can call your husband your companion, your friend, best friend, spouse and it can come to mean the same thing. I can't see why it is being made such a big deal really. My husband is my best friend. It doesn't mean he's always there, but we know each other better than anyone else does. There are things we may keep to ourselves, share with a certain other trusted friend but that doesn't take away from him being what he is to me or I being what I am to him.