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Hasan
02-16-2006, 07:58 PM
Bismi Allah. As-salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakaatuh,

So you think sending your wife to the plastic surgeon will put that spark back into the relationship? Not likely. Actually, you're the one who needs to go to the Curv Dr.

The Curv Dr. will teach you the 6 primary love needs of women. If you fulfill these needs, the bonds of love will only strengthen.


C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance


Caring - when a husband shows interest in his wife's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels *cared for*.

Example: Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the camel)." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]


Understanding - When the husband listens without judgement but with empathy and relatedness to his wife expressing her feelings, she feels heard and *understood*. Don't presume to already know your wife's thoughts or feelings when she is trying to communicate them to you. Instead, gather meaning from what is being said.

Example: If your wife is talking about the frustrations of the day how unbearably long the line was at the supermarket, just listen to her and when she's finished, say, "Wow, that must have really tried your patience!" Show her that you understand her feelings and can relate to her experience. Don't say, "Ummm... You should have just used the self-checkout." Instead, just listen and show you understand without offering solutions. Later on, when she's not venting, you can suggest that she try the self-checkout.


Respect - When the husband responds to his wife in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels *respected*. Physical expressions of respect like flowers, gifts, keeping her likes/dislikes in mind, and showing your appreciation are essential.

Example: Make an effort to look good for her. Give her gifts - they don't have to be big or expensive. Always show her appreciation for even the little things she does.


Validation - When the husband does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants, but instead accepts and confirms their *validity*, she feels loved. Confirm her right to feel the way she does. (You can confirm her point of view even if you have a different point of view).

Example: Once during a journey, Safiyyah (radi Allahu 'anha) was crying because she had be made to ride a slow camel. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) didn't tell her she was being unreasonable. Instead, he wiped her tears, comforted her, and even tried to find her another camel. [Can someone find the actual hadeeth and its reference?]

Devotion - When the husband gives priority to the wife's needs and commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, she feels adored and special. When she is more important to him than work, television, etc., then she feels his *devotion*.

Simple example: Look at her when she talks to you. Don't be afraid to show your devotion. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) openly stated his love for his wives.


Reassurance - To repeatedly do all of the above *reassures* the wife that she is continually loved. The husband must reassure his wife of his love again and again.

Simple example: Give her a hug and say "I love you" 4 times a day at least.


Ok, guys, time to memorize it:

CURV DR.
C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance

Can anyone share more examples of each category? Even better - give us hadeeth that illustrate each category!

(Based on the work of John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)

faith
02-17-2006, 01:14 PM
subhannalllah! More people should do this. Jazakallahu kheiran. May Allah reward you for your efforts.

Ameen

ZkrofAllah
02-18-2006, 03:58 PM
Mash'Allah this was really nice... i have added some more example that we learned during the class...


Respect - When the husband responds to his wife in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels *respected*. Physical expressions of respect like flowers, gifts, keeping her likes/dislikes in mind, and showing your appreciation are essential.

Example: Make an effort to look good for her. Give her gifts - they don't have to be big or expensive. Always show her appreciation for even the little things she does.

** Showing mutual obedience and full respect: if you don't respect them, you can't expect them to respect you.

Devotion - When the husband gives priority to the wife's needs and commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, she feels adored and special. When she is more important to him than work, television, etc., then she feels his *devotion*.

Simple example: Look at her when she talks to you. Don't be afraid to show your devotion. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) openly stated his love for his wives.

Reassurance - To repeatedly do all of the above *reassures* the wife that she is continually loved. The husband must reassure his wife of his love again and again.

Simple example: Give her a hug and say "I love you" 4 times a day at least.

**Confess. Say ‘I love you’ once in a while. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said, "If someone loves his brother fi sabi lillah, then he should tell them." If this is the case between two people who have no relationship with one another, imagine how much more important it would be for people with a high level of intimacy.


This is additional advice from Ibn Hazm... not sure which category these would go under...

Correspondence. Men should write letters for their wives - if you travel, send a postcard, be sincere don't do it over and over again. Men are sometimes not very intelligent in choosing. Just a sincere gift for a woman feels like a million dollars to her. People need to be trained on how to react to gifts, etc.

Acts of amusement:some think it's immoral to play at home- but Rasulullah would chase A'isha at home. one time she was raising her voice and Abu Bakr was about to come in and beat her, but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) started to protect her and she hid behind him. After Abu Bakr left, the Prophet turned around, and when he saw that A’isha was still upset, he said, "Didn't I save you from your father?"

Hasan
02-20-2006, 09:21 PM
This is additional advice from Ibn Hazm... not sure which category these would go under...

Correspondence. Men should write letters for their wives - if you travel, send a postcard, be sincere don't do it over and over again. Men are sometimes not very intelligent in choosing. Just a sincere gift for a woman feels like a million dollars to her. People need to be trained on how to react to gifts, etc. That would probably go under Respect or Devotion. Respect because it shows he's taking her thoughts and feelings into consideration. Devotion because he's giving her attention despite the fact that he's traveling - he's giving her priority.

Acts of amusement:some think it's immoral to play at home- but Rasulullah would chase A'isha at home. one time she was raising her voice and Abu Bakr was about to come in and beat her, but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) started to protect her and she hid behind him. After Abu Bakr left, the Prophet turned around, and when he saw that A’isha was still upset, he said, "Didn't I save you from your father?"That is probably Devotion - taking the time out to entertain her.

Note: The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said, "Everything with which a man amuses himself is vain except three (things): a man's training of his horse, his playing with his wife, and his shooting with his bow and arrow." [Sunan Abi Dawood, Book 14, #2507] Can someone please check its authenticy?

Any other ayaat/ahadeeth related to fulfilling one of the 6 primary emotional needs of women?

Yusrah Uthman
02-21-2006, 04:37 PM
hihi... Curv Dr.

Have fun.

salam!

ZkrofAllah
02-22-2006, 04:28 PM
Reassurance: The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam speaking about his wife Khadija said: "Verily, I was filled with love for her."

Some people don't proudly say they love their spouse. Maybe women are afraid because other women would steal their husbands, and maybe men don't say so because it's a sign of weakness, but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) showed and expressed his love for his wife, because he loved her so much.-- When you express your love for your spouse, you don't have to be totally expressive about loving them, just stick up for them, and let people know if you do.

Devotion: You’re taken aback by mentioning somebody/something similar to someone they love (the name, or style of dress). That's why Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) would get criticized if someone just said the name of Khadija (because he loved her so much.)

One time, the wives of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) sent a complaint against A’isha (radi Allahu anhu) through their envoy Fatima (radi Allahu anhu.) They wondered why he loved her so much. When A’isha related the hadith, she said that Fatima entered the room when the Prophet and A’isha were lying together. Fatima complained and then the Prophet? said, “They're asking you to be the daughter of Ibn abi kuhaafa.” A’isha (r.a.) just stayed quiet. Then the Prophet asked, “Don't you love what I love?” and Fatima replied, “Yes.” So he said, “Then just love her.” - (Muslim)

One time, a person who was excessively in love also died because his loved one died. Upon hearing this, Zaid Ibn Thaabit (head of committee in charge of compiling Qur’ân) performed salaatul janaaza for him, because he felt mercy for him.

Respect/Devotion: Because Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) trusted 'Amr bin al 'Aas, he assigned him to be the head of a military expedition. ‘Amr thought maybe Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) loved him a lot (or the most), so he asked the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), “Ya RasuAllah, man ahabbu ilan naasi ilaik?” So, the Prophet replied, “A’isha.” ‘Amr replied, “No, from the men." And the Prophet replied, “Her father." From this hadith, we see that he, the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) still attributed Abu Bakr to his beloved A’isha radi Allahu anhu. - (Bukhari/Muslim)

Caring: One time A'isha heard Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) say: “Give this to the friends of Khadija.” She said, “Why do you keep mentioning that old lady when you have someone young and beautiful?” And he said, “Don't say anything about that woman. She gave birth to her children and she believed, she supported me and helped the Ummah...”

He (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said, “The best among you are those who are best to his family and I am the best to my family.” He was always in the service of his family. A'isha said: "He used to always be in the service of the family." He'd help around the house if he was home, until they called for salaah he'd leave as if he was a stranger. He was always ready for his family.


"The main concept of the Fiqh of Love is to learn, appreciate and respect as a spouse; what is your right and what is your obligation."

Yusrah Uthman
02-22-2006, 04:41 PM
mashAllah http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon14.gif

Hasan
02-23-2006, 11:07 AM
Subhana Allah, I want to see some brothers on here. If the men can't properly express their love for their wives, they might end up like Mugheeth and Bareerah (http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=15149) (wa na'oodhu billahi min dhalik). He sincerely loved her, but she couldn't stand him.

yasser_z
02-24-2006, 11:47 PM
Asalaamu aleykum wa rahmatullah,

I sometimes fear having a wife who makes me dependent on her. Is that unhealthy?

yasser_z
02-24-2006, 11:58 PM
Mugheeth and Bareerah (showthread.php?t=15149)

Too common these days. Essentially I think the man takes abuse from the girl without realizing it, and turns into a spineless jellyfish in his pursuit to please her. In the end he loses all that he stood upon. But the good thing is that he can turn to Allah, and bi ithnillah be blessed with something 100x better for his duniya and his akhira.

ZkrofAllah
02-25-2006, 10:12 AM
Mugheeth and Bareerah (showthread.php?t=15149)

Too common these days. Essentially I think the man takes abuse from the girl without realizing it, and turns into a spineless jellyfish in his pursuit to please her. In the end he loses all that he stood upon. But the good thing is that he can turn to Allah, and bi ithnillah be blessed with something 100x better for his duniya and his akhira.

I'm confoooosseed...explain please!!!

Hasan
02-25-2006, 10:37 AM
Mugheeth and Bareerah (http://showthread.php?t=15149)

Too common these days. Essentially I think the man takes abuse from the girl without realizing it, and turns into a spineless jellyfish in his pursuit to please her. In the end he loses all that he stood upon. But the good thing is that he can turn to Allah, and bi ithnillah be blessed with something 100x better for his duniya and his akhira. Allahu a'lam, I think the man is actually abusing himself and then blaming it on the girl. He's trying to please her by becoming a spineless jellyfish, but that's not what a girl wants - she wants a leader with a spine in his back and compassion in his heart, wa Allahu a'lam.

So it's the guy's fault because he failed to educate himself regarding the needs of women. Akhee, perhaps you can help remedy this situation in the ummah by educating us with an ayah/hadeeth that describes one of the categories of Curv Dr.

yasser_z
02-25-2006, 07:54 PM
I suppose we're saying the same thing then: a man who allows abuse to befall him without being aware of it, could also be said to be self-abusing.

I will find an ayat to contribute, in sha Allah

heavens_scent
02-26-2006, 04:03 PM
Mugheeth and Bareerah (http://showthread.php/?t=15149)

Too common these days. Essentially I think the man takes abuse from the girl without realizing it, and turns into a spineless jellyfish in his pursuit to please her. In the end he loses all that he stood upon. But the good thing is that he can turn to Allah, and bi ithnillah be blessed with something 100x better for his duniya and his akhira.
Allahu a'lam, I think the man is actually abusing himself and then blaming it on the girl. He's trying to please her by becoming a spineless jellyfish, but that's not what a girl wants - she wants a leader with a spine in his back and compassion in his heart, wa Allahu a'lam.

So it's the guy's fault because he failed to educate himself regarding the needs of women. Akhee, perhaps you can help remedy this situation in the ummah by educating us with an ayah/hadeeth that describes one of the categories of Curv Dr. [/QUOTE]

hummm... ???
Yes, an Ayah or a Hadith would be really helpful

Generous_1
02-26-2006, 07:13 PM
Asalaamu aleykum wa rahmatullah,

I sometimes fear having a wife who makes me dependent on her. Is that unhealthy?
This made me laugh. Yes it is unhealthy. I took the history of the khulafa class and sheikh Muhammad said something to the effect of mothers having a strong hand in raising their sons to be men. The mothers of the great Islamic leaders made sure they raised their sons in such a way that they did not turn into spineless jelly fish. The chances of any man turning into a spineless jelly fish after marriage are slim to none unless he's been so from the get go. With that being said there is nothing wrong with wanting to please your wife if you are not displeasing Allah or your mother.

bint_abubakr
02-26-2006, 07:24 PM
Validation - When the husband does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants, but instead accepts and confirms their *validity*, she feels loved. Confirm her right to feel the way she does. (You can confirm her point of view even if you have a different point of view).
Example: On one occasion the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa salam) said to 'Aisha when she was upset: "O 'Aisha, it is not hidden from me when thou art angered against me, nor yet when thou art pleased". "O dearer than my father and my mother, how knowest thou that?"
He said: "When thou art pleased, thou sayest in swearing 'Nay, by the Lord of Muhammad', but when thou art angered it is 'Nay, by the Lord of Ibrahim'".

Lesson: The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa salam) was in tune with his wives. He knew when they were upset, and how to make them feel better. He was constantly aware of their feelings, to the point that he noticed their differing patterns of speech, sal Allahu alayhi wa salam :)

...too many spineless jellyfish these days
What's your definition of a "spineless jellyfish"? A man who tries hard to please his wife can be seen as weak because its the wife who should be pleasing him, or he can be seen as secure because he knows that by pleasing his wife, he is pleasing Allah. (this being applicable to the wife as well with equal importance)

Allahu a'lam.

Hasan
02-26-2006, 08:17 PM
Example: On one occasion the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa salam) said to 'Aisha when she was upset: "O 'Aisha, it is not hidden from me when thou art angered against me, nor yet when thou art pleased". "O dearer than my father and my mother, how knowest thou that?"
He said: "When thou art pleased, thou sayest in swearing 'Nay, by the Lord of Muhammad', but when thou art angered it is 'Nay, by the Lord of Ibrahim'".

Lesson: The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa salam) was in tune with his wives. He knew when they were upset, and how to make them feel better. He was constantly aware of their feelings, to the point that he noticed their differing patterns of speech, sal Allahu alayhi wa salam :)
Wow! That's a good one, ma sha Allah. I think it also shows his *understanding* of his wives. He would listen carefully to them and gather meaning from their words in order to understand how they felt.

Good one! Keep them coming, guys.

yasser_z
02-26-2006, 10:31 PM
What's your definition of a "spineless jellyfish"? A man who tries hard to please his wife can be seen as weak because its the wife who should be pleasing him, or he can be seen as secure because he knows that by pleasing his wife, he is pleasing Allah. (this being applicable to the wife as well with equal importance)

Allahu a'lam. Girl wants to 'improve guy'...
She tells him what he is doing is wrong... do this, or see it this way instead.
Guys starts doubting himself....
This doubt spews into other areas of his life.....
Soon, his self confidence is gone and he ends up in never making any proper decisions.

Ever heard the phrase, 'Who wears the pants in the family?'
Ever seen those shows... King of Queens, Everybody loves Raymond, Friends...? All the men in these shows are certified wimps.


I just want a girl who will let me be the man.

ps. sorry for changing the discussion from women to men :) we can go back to talking about what a woman needs

Hasan
02-27-2006, 10:37 AM
Girl wants to 'improve guy'...
She tells him what he is doing is wrong... do this, or see it this way instead.
Guys starts doubting himself....
This doubt spews into other areas of his life.....
Soon, his self confidence is gone and he ends up in never making any proper decisions. That's a very astute point. Just like how many girls don't like it when their husband gives them solutions instead of just listening when the girl wants to vent, many guys don't like it when given unsolicited advice (except Islamic advice, of course). It's funny - both mistakes are done with the best of intentions!

Anyways, back to the topic: Curv Dr! Akhee yasser_z, you still owe us an ayah/hadeeth. Meanwhile, anyone else care to give a Curv Dr example?

Hasan
03-01-2006, 10:42 AM
Here's one:

Aishah (radi Allahu 'anha) said, "The Messenger of Allah (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) used to hate to have a bad odor coming from him'' [Sahih Muslim]

I think this falls under *respect*. He kept the likes and dislikes of his wives in mind. This even led him to temporarily give up drinking honey, due to a trick played on him by some of his wives. See the tafsir of Surah At-Tahrim [66:1-4]

ZkrofAllah
03-02-2006, 03:35 PM
Respect ~ Devotion

He (SAW) said, “The best amongst you are those who are best to their wives and I am best to my wives.” He NEVER touched his wives (with harm), and he (SAW) had many wives, and a'isha would say "the wives of rasul’allah (SAW) would sometimes abandon him and stop talking to him all day until night and when he (SAW) would speak, they'd leave him with out speaking, and they'd bother him w/provision and once Abu bakr/umar came and heard this and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) came and he told his in-laws saying they want more of the duniya and so Abu Bakr grabbed a'isha talaq and tahreem~ in the end, he swore by Allah he wouldn't touch them for a whole month, and he went in seclusion (al ilah can't exceed 4 months).
Umar got very scared for his daughter (Hafsa) he rushed there and was crying, “did he divorce you?” “i donno”, and he found Bilal guarding the stairs, and said “where's rasulullah and can you ask persmission for me to go see him?” and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) was lying on his side, when men are in an emotional crisis, they withdraw and go in seclusion, women like to speak out, and they just bother them.
Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) didnt' answer and umar came down to tell hafsa and he waited so long, and he went back again, this happened three times. Then at the end rasulullah allowed it, and he was standing scared to sit down, and he started joking with him, “remember when we were in Makkah we had a strong grip on our wives, and now in Madinah, we see that they have the ways of ansaari, and they do the same (answer back) to us.” and when he saw Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) smile, he sat down, and asked did you do so (divorce Hafsa)? – “no, i just did ilah.”
On 29 days (he said it's made lovely to him women and perfume) he goes to A'isha first, and she said, well the month's not over yet, so Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, the month can be 30 or 29 days and this month was 29 days.
Nobody will treat their wives better than Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam), so never use your hands and if you don't like one thing from her, then you'll like something else about her; if you cannot live with her anymore, hold them with kindness or release them with kindness and fear Allah.

Hasan
03-02-2006, 04:45 PM
Subhana Allah, there are so many gems in that story!
Ma sha Allah, awesome! Anyone else care to add?

bint_abubakr
03-02-2006, 06:32 PM
Understanding: During the Farewell Pilgrimage, Sawdah asked for the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa salam)'s permission to leave Muzdalifah before the heat reached its peak. Sawdah was larger in stature and heavier than most of the other women, causing her to suffer more from the heat than others. The Prophet arranged to send her ahead of the group, accompanied by Abdullah ibn Abbas.

Lesson: The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa salam) understood the differing needs of his wives, and worked to ensure their happiness/well being.

Devotion: Uthman staying behind from the battle of Badr to care for his wife Rukkayah.

Lesson: Uthman was known as "Dhun Nuurayn" (the man with two lights) because the Prophet gave him 2 of his daughters in marriage. When Umm Khultum died, the Prophet told Uthman that if he had other daughters, he would marry each one of them (one after another) to Uthman.

Nihaad Zaman
03-02-2006, 06:59 PM
Safiya bint Huyai, the wife of the Prophet, went to him while he was in Itikaf (staying in the mosque) during the last ten nights of the month of Ramadan. She spoke to him for an hour (a while) at night and then she got up to return home. The Prophet got up to accompany her, and when they reached the gate of the mosque opposite the dwelling place of Um Salama, the wife of the Prophet, two Ansari men passed by,and greeting Allah's Apostle , they quickly went ahead. Allah's Apostle said to them, "Do not be in a hurry She is Safiya, the daughter of Huyai." They said, "Subhan Allah! O Allah's Apostle (how dare we suspect you)." That was a great thing for both of them. The Prophet then said, "Satan runs in the body of Adam's son (i.e. man) ashis blood circulates in it, and I was afraid that he (Satan) might insert an evil thought in your hearts."

from this hadith we can see that the Prophet(SAW) was considerate to his wives and listened to them when they needed to talk (like he listened patiently to 'Aisha(RA) when she narrated that very long hadith about Umm Zar about to him). He didn't send Safiya(RA) away and told her to come back another time beacuse he was in I'tikaf. He talked with her and then even walked her to the gate of the Masjid. He was also not ashamed to be seen talking with his wife; in fact he called the men back to show them that it was his wife.

ZkrofAllah
03-02-2006, 08:53 PM
Safiya bint Huyai, the wife of the Prophet, went to him while he was in Itikaf (staying in the mosque) during the last ten nights of the month of Ramadan. She spoke to him for an hour (a while) at night and then she got up to return home. The Prophet got up to accompany her, and when they reached the gate of the mosque opposite the dwelling place of Um Salama, the wife of the Prophet, two Ansari men passed by,and greeting Allah's Apostle , they quickly went ahead. Allah's Apostle said to them, "Do not be in a hurry She is Safiya, the daughter of Huyai." They said, "Subhan Allah! O Allah's Apostle (how dare we suspect you)." That was a great thing for both of them. The Prophet then said, "Satan runs in the body of Adam's son (i.e. man) ashis blood circulates in it, and I was afraid that he (Satan) might insert an evil thought in your hearts."

from this hadith we can see that the Prophet(SAW) was considerate to his wives and listened to them when they needed to talk (like he listened patiently to 'Aisha(RA) when she narrated that very long hadith about Umm Zar about to him). He didn't send Safiya(RA) away and told her to come back another time beacuse he was in I'tikaf. He talked with her and then even walked her to the gate of the Masjid. He was also not ashamed to be seen talking with his wife; in fact he called the men back to show them that it was his wife.


Subhan'allah that was realllllyyyy nice...JazakumAllah Khairun for sharing:)

Hasan
03-02-2006, 10:02 PM
Understanding: During the Farewell Pilgrimage, Sawdah asked for the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa salam)'s permission to leave Muzdalifah before the heat reached its peak. Sawdah was larger in stature and heavier than most of the other women, causing her to suffer more from the heat than others. The Prophet arranged to send her ahead of the group, accompanied by Abdullah ibn Abbas.

Lesson: The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa salam) understood the differing needs of his wives, and worked to ensure their happiness/well being.

Devotion: Uthman staying behind from the battle of Badr to care for his wife Rukkayah.

Lesson: Uthman was known as "Dhun Nuurayn" (the man with two lights) because the Prophet gave him 2 of his daughters in marriage. When Umm Khultum died, the Prophet told Uthman that if he had other daughters, he would marry each one of them (one after another) to Uthman. Wow, those are excellent examples, ma sha Allah! Keep 'em coming!

Amatullah
03-02-2006, 10:21 PM
mashaaAllah, this thread is great! jazakamAllaahu khayr for contributing everyone.

I believe that the story of Ifk, the slander of A'isha radiAllahu anha has many lessons embedded into it.

here is the full hadith:

Sa'id b. Musayyib, 'Urwa b. Zubair, 'Alqama b. Waqqas and 'Ubaidullah b. Abdullah b. 'Utba b. Mas'ud--all of them reported the story of the false allegation against 'A'isha, the wife of Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him). And they (the slanderers) said what they had to say, but Allah exonerated her of this charge and all of them reported a part of the hadith and some of them who had better memories reported more and with better retention, and I tried to retain this hadith (listening) from every one of them that they reported to me and some of them attested the other. (The sumaried substance of the false allegation is this): 'A'isha said: Whenever Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) intended to set out on a journey he cast lots amongst his wives and he took one with him in whose favour the lot was cast. It so happened that he cast lots amongst us while setting out on a battle and it was cast in my favour, so I set out along with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). This relates to the period when the revelation concerning the commands of veil had been made. I was carried in a haudaj and I was brought down where we had to stay. In short, when we set out for return journey from the expedition and our caravan was near Medina, Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) commanded one night to march forward. I also got up when the command for the march was given and moved on until I went out of the encampments of the army and after relieving myself I came to my place. I touched my chest and found that my necklace which had been made of the stones of zafar had been broken. I retraced my steps and tried to search my necklace and this detained me there. The group of people who saddled my ride and placed my haudaj carrying me upon the camels marched on. They were under the impression that I was in it. The women in those days were light of weight and they did not wear much flesh, as they ate less food; so they did not perceive the weight of my haudaj as they placed it upon the camel as I was a young girl at that time. So they drove the camel and Eet out and I found my necklace after the army had marched. I came to my place and there was none to call and none to respond (the call). I waited at my place under the impression that when the people would riot find me they would come back. So I kept sitting at my place. I was overpowered by sleep and slept. Safwan b. Mu'attal Sulami Dhakwini, who had lagged behind the army because of taking rest came to my place walking in the latter part of the night and he saw the body of a person who was asleep. He came to me and recognised me as he had seen rue before it was enjoined to observe purda. I got ap by his voice as he recited Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un [we are for Allah and to Him we have to return. ] and I covered my head with my headdress. By Allah, he did not speak to me a word and I did not hear a word from him except Inna lillahi. He made his camel kneel down and I amounted the camel as he pressed tLe camel's foreleg and he moved on leaning the camel by the nose string on which I was riding until we came to the army where it had encamped for rest because of extreme heat. Woe be upon those who harboured doubts about me and the most notorious among them was 'Abdullah b. Ubayy, the great hypocrite. We came to Medina and I fell sick for a month. The people had been deliberating over the statements of those who had brought these calumnies against me. I was absolutely unaware of anything concerning that. This, however, caused doubt in my mind that I did not see Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him.) treating me with such kindness with which he treated me as I fell ill before this. The Holy Prophet (may peace be upon him) would coome and greet me with Assalam-o-'Alaikum and only ask me how I was. This caused doubt in my mind, but I was unaware of the evil. I wept outside despite my failing health and there went along with me Umm Mistah and she said the daughter of Abu Rhm b. Muttalib b. 'Abd Manaf and his mother was the daughter of Sakhr b. 'Amir, the sister of the mother of Abu Bakr Sidiq and his son was Mistah b. Uthatha b. 'Abbad b. Muttalib. I and the daughter of Abu Rahm set towards the direction of my house. Something got into the head dress of Umm Mistah and she said: Woe be upon Mistah. And I said. Woe be upon what you say. Do you curse people who had participated in Badr? She said: Innocent woman, have you not heard what he said? I said: What did he say? She conveyed to me the statement of those who had brought false allegations against me. So my illness was aggravated. I went to my house and Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) came to me and he greeted me and then said: How is that woman? I said: Do you permit me to go to the (house) of my parents? She (further) said: I had at that time made up my mind to confirm this news from them. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) permitted me. So I came to (the house of) my parents and said to my mother: Mother, do you know what the people are talking about? She said: My daughter, you should not worry. By Allah, if there is a handsome woman who is loved by her husband and he has co-wives also they talk many a thing about her. I said: Hallowed be Allah, what are the people talking about? I wept during the whole night until it was morning and I did not have a wink of sleep and I wept even in the morning. As the revelation was delayed (in regard to this matter), so Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) called 'Ali ibn Abi 'Talib and Usama b. Zaid in order to seek their advice in regard to the separation of his wife. Usama b. Zaid told Allah's Messenger (may peace be apen him) about the innocence of his wives and what he knew about his love for them. He said: Allah's Messenger, they are your wives and we know nothing else about thembut goodness. And as for 'Ali b. Abu Talib, he said: Allah has not put any unnecessary burden upon you (in regard to your wives). There are a number of women besides her and if you ask that maidservant (Barira) she will tell you the truth. So, Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) called Bailra and said: Barira, did you see anything in 'A'isha which can cause doubt about her? Barira said: By Him Who sent thee with the truth, I have seen nothing objectionable in her but only this much that she is a young girl and she goes to sleep while kneading the flour and the lamb eats that. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) mounted the pulpit and sought vindication against 'Abdullah b. Ubayy b. Salul, and he further said: Who would exonerate me from imputations of that person who has troubled (me) in regard to my family? By Allah, I find nothing in my wife but goodness and the person whom the people have mentioned in this connection is, according to my knowledge, a thoroughly pious person, and he did never get into my house but along with me. Sa'd b. Mu'adh stood up and said: Allah's Messenger, I defend your honour against him. If he belong to the tribe of Aus we would strike his neck and if he belongs to the tribe of our brother Khazraj and you order us we would comply with your order. Then Sa'd b. 'Ubada stood up. He was chief of the Khazraj tribe. He was otherwise a pioas man but he had some what tribal partisanship in him and he said to Sa'd b. Mu'adh: By the everlasting existence of Allah. you are not stating the fact, you will not be able to kill him and you will not have the power to do so. Thereupon, Usaid b. Hudair stood up, and he was the first cousin of Sa'd b. Mu'adh and said to Sa'd b. 'Ubada: By the everlasting existence of Allah, you are not stating the fact. We would kill him. You are a hypocrite and so you argue in defence of the hypocrites, and thus both the tribes Aus and Khazraj were flared up, until they were about to fall upon one another and Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) kept standing upon the pulpit and Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) tried to subside their anger until they became silent and thus there was silence. 'A'isha further reported: I spent the whole day in weeping and even the night and could not have a wink of sleep even next night. My parents thought that this constant weeping of mine would break my heart. I wept and they sat beside me. In the meanwhile a woman of the Ansar came to see me. I permitted her to see me and she also began to weep. And we were in this very state that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) came and he greeted me and then sat down. He had never sat with me since a month when this rumour was afloat, and there was no revelation (to clarity) my case. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) recited Tashahhud (there is no god but Allah and Muhammad is His Apostle) and then said: Coming to the point, 'A'isha, this is what has reached me about you and if you are innocent, Allah would Himself vindicate your honour, and if accidentally there has been a lapse on your part sock forgiveness of Allah; He will pardon thee for when a servant makes a confession of his fault and turns (to Him) penitently, Allah also turns to him (mercifully) accepting his repentance. When Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) talked, my tears dried up and not even a single drop of tear was perceived by me (rolling out of my eyes). I said to my father: You give a reply to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) on my behalf. He said: By Allah, I do not know what I should say to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). I then said to my mother: Give a reply to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) on my behalf, but she said: By Allah, I do not know what I should say to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). I was a small girl at that time and I had not read much of the Qur'an (but I said): By Allah, I perceive that you have heard about this and it has settled down in your mind and you have taken it to be true, so if I say to you that I am quite innocent, and Allah knows that I am innocent, you would never believe me to be true, and if I confess to (the alleged) lapse before you, whereas Allah knows that I am completely innocent (and I have not committed this sin at all), in that case You will take me to be true and, by Allah, I, therefore, find no other alternative for me and for you except that what the father of Yousuf said:, (My course is) comely patience. And Allah it is Whose help is to be sought for in that (predicament) which ye describe" (xii 18). After this I turned my face to the other side and lay down on my bed. By Allah, I was fully aware of this fact that I was innocent but I did not expect that Allah would descend Wahy Matlu (Qur'anic Wahy) in my case as I did not think myself so much important that Allah, the Exalted and Glorious, would speak in this matter in words to be recited. I only hoped that Allah would in vision give an indication of my innocence to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) during his sleep. And, by Allah, Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) had not moved an inch from where he had been sitting and none from the members of my family had gone that Allah, the Exalted and Glorious, descended revelation upon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) there and then and he felt the burden which he used to feel at the time of receiving revelation. He began to perspire because of the burden of words of Allah as they descended upon him even during the winter season and there fell the drops of his sweat like silvery beads. When this state of receiving revelation was over, the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) smiled and the first words which he spoke to me were that he said: 'A'isha, there is glad tidings for you. Verily, Allah has vindicated your honour, and my mother who had been standing by me said: Get up (and thank him, i. e. the Holy Prophet). I said: By Allah, I shall not thank him and laud him but Allah Who has descended revelation vindicating my honour. She ('A'isha) said: Allah, the Exalted and Glorious, revealed:" 'Verily, those who spread the slander are a gang among you" (and) ten (subsequent) verses in regard to my innocence. She further said: Abu Bakr used to give to Mistah (some stipend) as a token of kinship with him and for his poverty and he (Abu Bakr) said: By Allah, now I would not spend anything for him. 'A'isha said: It was upon this that Allah the Exalted and Glorious revealed this verse:" And let not those who possess dignity and ease among you swear to give to the near of the kin" up to" Yearn ye not that Allah may forgive you?" Hibban b. Musa' said that 'Abdullah b. Mubarak used to say: It is a verse contained in the Book which most (eminently) brightens the hope. Abu Bakr said: By Allah, I wish that Allah should pardon me. I shall never stop this stipend. So he continued to give him the stipend which he had withdrawn. 'A'isha said that Allah's Messenger (way peace be upon him) asked Zainab, daughter of Jahsh, the wife of Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him), about me what she knew or what she had seen in me, and she said: Allah's Messenger, I shall not say anything without hearing (with my ears) and seeing with my eyes. By Allah, I find nothing in her but goodness. (And she stated this in spite of the fact) that she was the only lady who amongst the wives of Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) used to vie with me but Allah saved her in bringing false allegation against me because of her God-consciousness. Her sister Hamna bint Jahsh, however, opposed her and she was undone along with others. (Bukhari)

-Firstly, the beginning of the hadith shows the fairness of rasulAllah salAllahu alayhi wa sallam with his wives by drawing lots.
-He, salAllahu alayhi wa sallam, also did not show anger or enmity towards A'isha radiAllahu anha when she was ill, but still treated her gently although she could see a change in his behavior and emotions.
-He, salAllahu alayhi wa sallam, also protected her honor and spoke out against those who were spreading the lies of her and safwan.
-Also, throughout this experience, A'isha did not blame the brothers who were carrying her haudaj, or anyone else involved in the situation.

Alhamdulillah, what amazing people we have as our guides!

wa salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

ZkrofAllah
03-03-2006, 04:22 PM
By Allah, I find nothing in my wife but goodness and the person whom the people have mentioned in this connection is, according to my knowledge, a thoroughly pious person, and he did never get into my house but along with me. Sa'd b. Mu'adh stood up and said: Allah's Messenger, I defend your honour against him. If he belong to the tribe of Aus we would strike his neck and if he belongs to the tribe of our brother Khazraj and you order us we would comply with your order. Then Sa'd b. 'Ubada stood up. He was chief of the Khazraj tribe. He was otherwise a pioas man but he had some what tribal partisanship in him and he said to Sa'd b. Mu'adh: By the everlasting existence of Allah. you are not stating the fact, you will not be able to kill him and you will not have the power to do so. Thereupon, Usaid b. Hudair stood up, and he was the first cousin of Sa'd b. Mu'adh and said to Sa'd b. 'Ubada: By the everlasting existence of Allah, you are not stating the fact. We would kill him. You are a hypocrite and so you argue in defence of the hypocrites, and thus both the tribes Aus and Khazraj were flared up, until they were about to fall upon one another and Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) kept standing upon the pulpit and Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) tried to subside their anger until they became silent and thus there was silence. 'A'isha further reported: I spent the whole day in weeping and even the night and could not have a wink of sleep even next night. My parents thought that this constant weeping of mine would break my heart. I wept and they sat beside me. In the meanwhile a woman of the Ansar came to see me. I permitted her to see me and she also began to weep.

Subhan’Allah this part reminds me of this ayah from the Qur’an…
"They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them..." [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 187]

A husband and wife screen each other from the outside world… they hide each others secrets and they don’t look down on each other no matter what others say…they are hurt when someone speaks bad of the other and will do anything to not let their spouse get hurt as well.

A husband and wife should find in one another peace and tranquility.

Sarah Mushtaq
03-03-2006, 04:28 PM
Subhan’Allah this part reminds me of this ayah from the Qur’an…
"They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them..." [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 187]

A husband and wife screen each other from the outside world… they hide each others secrets and they don’t look down on each other no matter what others say…they are hurt when someone speaks bad of the other and will do anything to not let their spouse get hurt as well.

A husband and wife should find in one another peace and tranquility.
Very Well said sister:D

Jazakhallah

Hasan
03-03-2006, 05:52 PM
A husband and wife screen each other from the outside world… they hide each others secrets and they don’t look down on each other no matter what others say…Sounds like *respect*.

they are hurt when someone speaks bad of the other and will do anything to not let their spouse get hurt as well. Sounds like *caring*.

Subhana Allah, outstanding observations! Ma sha Allah!

Nihaad Zaman
03-03-2006, 06:57 PM
That hadith also shows us that even the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) had problems in his marriage. So will we all have problems in our marriages, and when it happens the first thing we do shouldn't be to start arguing and play the blame-game with our spouses, but we should follow the Prophet's and 'Aisha's example and show subr and trust in Allah (SWT).

Hasan
03-07-2006, 11:52 AM
Barira said: By Him Who sent thee with the truth, I have seen nothing objectionable in her but only this much that she is a young girl and she goes to sleep while kneading the flour and the lamb eats that. I thought that was really funny... radi Allahu 'anha.

nafisah
03-07-2006, 07:31 PM
Narrated Aisha:
Some of the wives of the prophet Sallallah alaihi wa sallam asked him, "Who amongst us will be the first to follow you (i.e. die after you)?" He said, "Whoever has the longest hand." So they started measuring their hands with a stick and Sauda's hand turned out to be the longest. (When Zainab bint Jahsh died first of all in the caliphate of 'Umar), we came to know that the long hand was a symbol of practicing charity, so she was the first to follow the Prophet and she used to love to practice charity. (Sauda died later in the caliphate of Muawiya).

Masha Allah the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam was so DEVOTED to his wives that he knows the characters of each one of them. Zainab was well known for her generosity and the Prophet as always acknowledged that.

Munawwara
06-01-2006, 09:25 AM
As-salaamu 'alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu

Brother Hasan, your article is very interesting and beneficial, and will certainly benefit many people who are married or looking into marriage.

I was wondering whether you will kindly give us your permission to print your article in a Youth magazine [VOICES] here in Britain insha'Allah? We had an issue based on the theme of relationships about 3 years ago, and alhamdulillah due to the topic popularity, it sold out. So we are in the process of releasing a relationship part 2 magazine later this year insha'Allah.

If you are ok with this, and/or would like to discuss it further, please could you kindly e-mail us at editor AT urvoices DOT com, and we would be happy to answer any queries etc.

I look forward to your response [I apologise sincerely to the moderators if this is an inappropriate message or I am messaging in the wrong thread - please forgive me]

Jazakum Allahu Khairan

Wassalaamu 'alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu

burgundy
06-01-2006, 10:19 AM
Subhana Allah, I want to see some brothers on here. If the men can't properly express their love for their wives, they might end up like Mugheeth and Bareerah (http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=15149) (wa na'oodhu billahi min dhalik). He sincerely loved her, but she couldn't stand him.
This made me smile. Its fine and halal to express your love on a forum but everyone's got their own style. And I reckon most husbands are not going to come on teh fourm to express their love. However, don't let that fool you into thinking that most brothers can't properly express their love for their wives.

UmmSakinah
06-01-2006, 10:59 AM
This made me smile. Its fine and halal to express your love on a forum but everyone's got their own style. And I reckon most husbands are not going to come on teh fourm to express their love. However, don't let that fool you into thinking that most brothers can't properly express their love for their wives.
:) i think what the brother meant was for the husbands/brothers to come in and contribute in this thread so they can learn (if they don't already know) how to express and how important it is to express love to their wives. I don't think the husbands would come to the forums and go all 'romeo' LOL.

Hasan
06-01-2006, 05:55 PM
As-salaamu 'alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu

Brother Hasan, your article is very interesting and beneficial, and will certainly benefit many people who are married or looking into marriage.

I was wondering whether you will kindly give us your permission to print your article in a Youth magazine [VOICES] here in Britain insha'Allah? We had an issue based on the theme of relationships about 3 years ago, and alhamdulillah due to the topic popularity, it sold out. So we are in the process of releasing a relationship part 2 magazine later this year insha'Allah.

If you are ok with this, and/or would like to discuss it further, please could you kindly e-mail us at editor AT urvoices DOT com, and we would be happy to answer any queries etc.

I look forward to your response [I apologise sincerely to the moderators if this is an inappropriate message or I am messaging in the wrong thread - please forgive me]

Jazakum Allahu Khairan

Wassalaamu 'alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu Wa 'alaikum as-salaam wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakaatuh,

Jazaakum Allahu khaira. Sure, on 2 conditions:

1) You cite the fact that the article is based on AlMaghrib Institute's Fiqh of Love seminar (www.almaghrib.org (http://www.almaghrib.org)) and the book Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus by Dr. John Gray.
2) You add this article (http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=15331) to the magazine too. Gotta be fair, innit?

Keep up the awesome work!

i think what the brother meant was for the husbands/brothers to come in and contribute in this thread so they can learn (if they don't already know) how to express and how important it is to express love to their wives. I don't think the husbands would come to the forums and go all 'romeo' LOL. Yeah, that's what I meant... but hey, if they want to publically declare their love for their wives, the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) wasn't afraid of doing so...

~Oum AbdurRahman~
06-02-2006, 06:43 AM
Ya ilehi,
If I could only get this article in Arabic............................................ ...............................

Munawwara
06-02-2006, 07:08 AM
As-salaamu 'alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu

Jazak Allahu Khairan brother Hasan, we really appreciate that. I forgot to mention - yes we would like to include both articles alongside each other, thank you for the permission to print both.

We will definitely cite those references, please could you provide us with your full name and address insha'Allah? I think it would be best, for your own privacy, to email these personal details. We will post out a free copy to you once it is printed, which will be sometime around ramadhaan this year. Is that ok? May Allah bless you heavily, Amin

Sister Asma Khan, jazaki Allahu khairan for your interest - may Allah reward you heavily. Amin
Our site is under construction again, hence once it is up and running, more details will be available. Unfortunately we have not yet reached the States, or Canada, as we need dedicated brothers/sisters who will oversee the distribution of the magazine in their local area. Although it is something we hope to work towards with the Help of Allah. However anyone can subscribe to the magazine worldwide for £20 [per volume = 6 issue], Europe £15, UK £10. I hope that helps sister

Please remember us in your du'a'

Wassalaamu 'alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu

omer_k88
12-10-2006, 12:48 PM
Respect ~ Devotion

He (SAW) said, “The best amongst you are those who are best to their wives and I am best to my wives.” He NEVER touched his wives (with harm), and he (SAW) had many wives, and a'isha would say "the wives of rasul’allah (SAW) would sometimes abandon him and stop talking to him all day until night and when he (SAW) would speak, they'd leave him with out speaking, and they'd bother him w/provision and once Abu bakr/umar came and heard this and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) came and he told his in-laws saying they want more of the duniya and so Abu Bakr grabbed a'isha talaq and tahreem~ in the end, he swore by Allah he wouldn't touch them for a whole month, and he went in seclusion (al ilah can't exceed 4 months).
Umar got very scared for his daughter (Hafsa) he rushed there and was crying, “did he divorce you?” “i donno”, and he found Bilal guarding the stairs, and said “where's rasulullah and can you ask persmission for me to go see him?” and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) was lying on his side, when men are in an emotional crisis, they withdraw and go in seclusion, women like to speak out, and they just bother them.
Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) didnt' answer and umar came down to tell hafsa and he waited so long, and he went back again, this happened three times. Then at the end rasulullah allowed it, and he was standing scared to sit down, and he started joking with him, “remember when we were in Makkah we had a strong grip on our wives, and now in Madinah, we see that they have the ways of ansaari, and they do the same (answer back) to us.” and when he saw Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) smile, he sat down, and asked did you do so (divorce Hafsa)? – “no, i just did ilah.”
On 29 days (he said it's made lovely to him women and perfume) he goes to A'isha first, and she said, well the month's not over yet, so Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, the month can be 30 or 29 days and this month was 29 days.
Nobody will treat their wives better than Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam), so never use your hands and if you don't like one thing from her, then you'll like something else about her; if you cannot live with her anymore, hold them with kindness or release them with kindness and fear Allah. As salaam aleikum!

Could I get the full narration plllllleeaaaaseeeeee! Like the source and all and the full wording (seems like you summarized it) I just really really liked that hadith. Had me up all night thinking about it.

ZkrofAllah
12-10-2006, 06:25 PM
this is what i have in my notes.... im not sure if this is the full version or not.. but this is all i have.. Insha'Allah someone else who has taken this clas can shed some light on this beautiful story.

The right of husband to chastise his wife

at ta'deeb: education and chastisement; the kind words and admonishing her and if she refuses, abandoning her or sleeping in the same bed w/o enjoyment or fadribuhun, in English it means beat (closest translation), but in Arabic dar means tapping, punching, etc. so Sunnah explains it so, and they exercised the right in a halal way in that the wives complained and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said they are not among the good people (even though it was made ok when they break the limit, it wasn't made w/o recognizing the means to do so) some say using miswak (meaning not size) it's more emotional than physical, if it left ANY marks on her body, it's completely forbidden, then how do you do that? Emotional more than physical, but he saw said, the best amongst you are those who are best to their wives and i am best to my wives and he NEVER touched his wives, and he saw had many wives, and they were women too, and a'isha would say "the wives of rasululalh saw would sometimes abandon him and stop talking to him all day until night and when he saw would speak, and they'd leave him w/o speaking, and they'd bother him w/provision and once abu bakr/umar came and heard this and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) came and he told his in-laws saying they want more of the duniya and so abu bakr grabbed a'isha talaq and tahreem~ in the end, he swore by Allah he wouldn't touch them for a whole month, and he went in seclusion (al ilah can't exceed 4 months), and umar got very scared for his daughter he rushed there and was crying, did he divorce you? i donno, and he found bilal guarding the stairs, and said where's rasulullah and can you ask permission for me? and Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) was lying on his side, when men are in an emotional crisis, they withdraw and go in seclusion, women like to speak out, and they just bother them, Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) didn’t' answer and umar came down to tell hafsa and he waited so long, and he went back again (3x's), then at the end rasulullah allowed it, and he was standing scared to sit down, and he started joking with him, remember when we were in makkah we had a strong grip on our wives, and now in madinah, we see that they have the ways of ansaari, and they do the same (answer back) and when he saw Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) smile, he sat down, and asked did you do so? no, i just did ilah. on 29 days (he said it's made lovely to him women and perfume) he goes to A'isha first, and she said, well the month's not over yet, so Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, the month can be 30 or 29 days and this month was 29 days; nobody will treat their wives better than Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam), so never use your hands and if you don't like one thing from her, then you'll like something else about her; if you cannot live with her anymore, hold them with kindness or release them with kindness and fear Allah and don't say Allah made it lawful so i'll use it, but Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) never recommended it so don't if you can.

Now i know this is not related to this thread.... and i dont want this thread to go off topic... so lets not start talking about, "The right of husband to chastise his wife"..hehe... start a new thread if you want. :)

omer_k88
12-10-2006, 07:36 PM
Jazaka Allah khayr for that...I wasn't focused on the chastising part, just the seclusion bit. It shows a different side of our Rasul saws. That he had family matters to deal with along with matters of the deen etc.

So he said "the wives aren't among the good people"? Could somebody explain ilah (seclusion) more clearly, like what one does in ilah?

I'm planning on taking this class by the way.

ZkrofAllah
12-10-2006, 07:42 PM
Jazaka Allah khayr for that...I wasn't focused on the chastising part, just the seclusion bit. It shows a different side of our Rasul saws. That he had family matters to deal with along with matters of the deen etc.

So he said "the wives aren't among the good people"? Could somebody explain ilah (seclusion) more clearly, like what one does in ilah?

I'm planning on taking this class by the way.

Thats a very nice topic for a new thread ;) Go for it!!

Hasan
12-10-2006, 10:19 PM
this is what i have in my notes.... im not sure if this is the full version or not.. but this is all i have.. Insha'Allah someone else who has taken this clas can shed some light on this beautiful story. Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 119:

Narrated Ibn 'Abbas :

I had been eager to ask 'Umar bin Al-Khattab about the two ladies from among the wives of the Prophet regarding whom Allah said 'If you two (wives of the Prophet namely Aisha and Hafsa) turn in repentance to Allah, your hearts are indeed so inclined (to oppose what the Prophet likes). (66.4) till 'Umar performed the Hajj and I too, performed the Hajj along with him. (On the way) 'Umar went aside to answer the call of nature, and I also went aside along with him carrying a tumbler full of water, and when 'Umar had finished answering the call of nature, I poured water over his hands and he performed the ablution. Then I said to him, "O chief of the Believers! Who were the two ladies from among the wives of the Prophet regarding whom Allah said: 'If you two (wives of the Prophet) turn in repentance to Allah your hearts are indeed so inclined (to oppose what the Prophet likes)?" (66.4) He said, "I am astonished at your question, O Ibn Abbas. They were 'Aisha and Hafsa." Then 'Umar went on narrating the Hadith and said, "I and an Ansari neighbor of mine from Bani Umaiyya bin Zaid who used to live in Awali-al-Medina, used to visit the Prophet in turn. He used to go one day and I another day. When I went, I would bring him the news of what had happened that day regarding the Divine Inspiration and other things, and when he went, he used to do the same for me. We, the people of Quraish used to have the upper hand over our wives, but when we came to the Ansar, we found that their women had the upper hand over their men, so our women also started learning the ways of the Ansari women. I shouted at my wife and she retorted against me and I disliked that she should answer me back. She said to me, 'Why are you so surprised at my answering you back? By Allah, the wives of the Prophet answer him back and some of them may leave (does not speak to) him throughout the day till the night.' The (talk) scared me and I said to her, 'Whoever has done so will be ruined!' Then I proceeded after dressing myself, and entered upon Hafsa and said to her, 'Does anyone of you keep the Prophet angry till night?' She said, 'Yes.' I said, 'You are a ruined losing person! Don't you fear that Allah may get angry for the anger of Allah's Apostle and thus you will be ruined? So do not ask more from the Prophet and do not answer him back and do not give up talking to him. Ask me whatever you need and do not be tempted to imitate your neighbor (i.e., 'Aisha) in her manners for she is more charming than you and more beloved to the Prophet ." Umar added,"At that time a talk was circulating among us that (the tribe of) Ghassan were preparing their horses to invade us. My Ansari companion, on the day of his turn, went (to the town) and returned to us at night and knocked at my door violently and asked if I was there. I became horrified and came out to him. He said, 'Today a great thing has happened.' I asked, 'What is it? Have (the people of) Ghassan come?' He said, 'No, but (What has happened) is greater and more horrifying than that: Allah's Apostle; has divorced his wives. 'Umar added, "The Prophet kept away from his wives and I said "Hafsa is a ruined loser.' I had already thought that most probably this (divorce) would happen in the near future. So I dressed myself and offered the morning prayer with the Prophet and then the Prophet; entered an upper room and stayed there in seclusion. I entered upon Hafsa and saw her weeping. I asked, 'What makes you weep? Did I not warn you about that? Did the Prophet divorce you all?' She said, 'I do not know. There he is retired alone in the upper room.' I came out and sat near the pulpit and saw a group of people sitting around it and some of them were weeping. I sat with them for a while but could not endure the situation, so I went to the upper room where the Prophet; was and said to a black slave of his, 'Will you get the permission (of the Prophet ) for 'Umar (to enter)?' The slave went in, talked to the Prophet about it and then returned saying, 'I have spoken to the Prophet and mentioned you but he kept quiet.' Then I returned and sat with the group of people sitting near the pulpit. but I could not bear the situation and once again I said to the slave, 'Will you get the permission for 'Umar?' He went in and returned saying, 'I mentioned you to him but he kept quiet.' So I returned again and sat with the group of people sitting near the pulpit, but I could not bear the situation, and so I went to the slave and said, 'Will you get the permission for 'Umar?' He went in and returned to me saying, 'I mentioned you to him but he kept quiet.' When I was leaving, behold! The slave called me, saying, 'The Prophet has given you permission.' Then I entered upon Allah's Apostle and saw him Lying on a bed made of stalks of date palm leaves and there was no bedding between it and him. The stalks left marks on his side and he was leaning on a leather pillow stuffed with date-palm fires. I greeted him and while still standing I said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Have you divorced your wives?' He looked at me and said, 'No.' I said, 'Allah Akbar!' And then, while still standing, I said chatting, 'Will you heed what I say, O Allah's Apostle? We, the people of Quraish used to have power over our women, but when we arrived at Medina we found that the men (here) were overpowered by their women.' The Prophet smiled and then I said to him, 'Will you heed what I say, O Allah's Apostle? I entered upon Hafsa and said to her, "Do not be tempted to imitate your companion ('Aisha), for she is more charming than you and more beloved to the Prophet.' " The Prophet smiled for a second time. When I saw him smiling, I sat down. Then I looked around his house, and by Allah, I could not see anything of importance in his house except three hides, so I said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Invoke Allah to make your followers rich, for the Persians and the Romans have been made prosperous and they have been given (the pleasures of the world), although they do not worship Allah.' Thereupon the Prophet sat up as he was reclining. and said, 'Are you of such an opinion, O the son of Al-Khattab? These are the people who have received the rewards for their good deeds in this world.' I said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Ask Allah to forgive me.' Then the Prophet kept away from his wives for twenty-nine days because of the story which Hafsa had disclosed to 'Aisha. The Prophet had said, 'I will not enter upon them (my wives) for one month,' because of his anger towards them, when Allah had admonished him. So, when twenty nine days had passed, the Prophet first entered upon 'Aisha. 'Aisha said to him, 'O Allah's Apostle! You had sworn that you would not enter upon us for one month, but now only twenty-nine days have passed, for I have been counting them one by one.' The Prophet said, 'The (present) month is of twenty nine days.' 'Aisha added, 'Then Allah revealed the Verses of the option. (2) And out of all his-wives he asked me first, and I chose him.' Then he gave option to his other wives and they said what 'Aisha had said . " (1) The Prophet, ' had decided to abstain from eating a certain kind of food because of a certain event, so Allah blamed him for doing so. Some of his wives were the cause of him taking that decision, therefore he deserted them for one month. See Quran: (66.4)

omer_k88
12-12-2006, 10:35 AM
As salaam aleikum!

Sweet Jazaka Allah khayr!
Could you explain the 'verse of option' please? Is that Qur'an 66:4? I understood everything upto the last few lines where he choses them or something. I like this hadith. Like a love story on it's own.

Hasan
12-13-2006, 09:41 PM
Wa 'alaikum as-salaam wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakaatuh,

I believe the verses of option can be found in [33:28-29].

28. {O Prophet, say to your wives, "If you should desire the worldly life and its adornment, then come, I will provide for you and give you a gracious release.}

29. {But if you should desire Allah and His Messenger and the home of the Hereafter - then indeed, Allah has prepared for the doers of good among you a great reward."}

In the hadeeth, Aisha stated that she chose to stay with the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and share in the hardships that he faced, rather than enjoy the glitter of this dunya. Radi Allahu 'anha. Wa Allahu a'lam.

Sounds like a good example of TEA Triple A (http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=15331).

a3644us
05-14-2007, 08:16 AM
Assalam0-A'likum,

I recieved this in email,I enjoyed it, thought you might to.......
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FOR THE MAN:
So you think sending your wife to the plastic surgeon will put that spark back into the relationship? Not likely. Actually, you're the one who needs to go to the Curv Dr.

The Curv Dr. will teach you the 6 primary love needs of women. If you fulfil these needs, the bonds of love will only strengthen.

C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance


Caring - when a husband shows interest in his wife's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels *cared for*.

Example:


Hadith in Sahih Al-Bukhari Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on thecamel)."

Understanding - When the husband listens without judgement but with empathy and relatedness to his wife expressing her feelings, she feels heard and *understood*. Don't presume to already know your wife's thoughts or feelings when she is trying to communicate them to you. Instead, gather meaning from what is being said.

Example: If your wife is talking about the frustrations of the day how unbearably long the line was at the supermarket, just listen to her and when she's finished, say, "Wow, that must have really tried your patience!" Show her that you understand her feelings and can relate to her experience. Don't say, "Ummm... You should have just used the self-checkout." Instead, just listen and show you understand without offering solutions. Later on, when she's not venting, you can suggest that she try the self checkout.

Respect - When the husband responds to his wife in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels *respected*. Physical expressions of respect like flowers, gifts, keeping her likes/dislikes in mind, and showing your appreciation are essential.

Example: Make an effort to look good for her. Give her gifts - they don't have to be big or expensive. Always show her appreciation for even the little things she does.

Validation - When the husband does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants, but instead accepts and confirms their *validity*, she feels loved. Confirm her right to feel the way she does. (You can confirm her point of view even if you have a different point of view).

Example:

Once during a journey, Safiyyah (radi Allahu 'anha) was crying because she had been made to ride a slow camel. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) didn't tell her she was being unreasonable. Instead, he wiped her tears, comforted her, and even tried to find her another camel.



Devotion - When the husband gives priority to the wife's needs and commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, she feels adored and special. When she is more important to him than work, television, etc., then she feels his *devotion*.

Example: Look at her when she talks to you. Don't be afraid to show your devotion. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) openly stated his love for his wives.

Reassurance - To repeatedly do all of the above *reassures* the wife that she is continually loved. The husband must reassure his wife of his love again and again.

Example: Give her a hug and say "I love you" 4 times a day at least.

Ok, guys, time to memorize it:

CURV DR.

C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance

a3644us
05-14-2007, 08:18 AM
FOR THE WOMAN:

Your husband's Love Tank ran dry, the engine broke down, and now your marriage is stuck in a ditch by the side of the road? No need to worry! Just sit back and have a nice cup of TEA while you call up Triple A to pull your marriage out of the rut.

TEA Triple A - roadside assistance for understanding the 6 primary love needs of men.

T - Trust
E - Encouragement
A - Admiration


A - Approval
A - Appreciation
A - Acceptance


Trust - When the wife's attitude is open and receptive toward her husband, he feels *trusted*. To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his wife. This positive belief should be reflected by the wife's interactions with her husband.

Example: The husband is trying to fix the kitchen sink. As he struggles with the wrench, the wife looks on and says, "Maybe you should call a plumber..." The husband feels crushed because he thinks she doesn't trust him to do what's best for them. Instead, the wife should refrain from giving unsolicited advice (except Islamic advice, of course).

Encouragement - When the wife expresses confidence in her husband's abilities and character, it fills him with hope and courage and he feels *encouraged*.

Example:

Hadith in Sahih Al-Bukhari When the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) received the first revelation from Allah, he was terrified and sought comfort with his wife Khadija. He said, "I fear that something may happen to me." Khadija replied, "Never! But have the glad tidings, for by Allah, Allah will never disgrace you as you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guest generously and assist the deserving, calamity-afflicted ones."



Admiration - When the wife views the husband with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, the husband feels *admired*. Telling him what to do as if he were a child does not make him feel admired. Admiration is when the wife is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents like humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, etc.

Example:

This was narrated in Dala'el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu'aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina.
Once the prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was staring at him long enough for him to notice. He said, "What's the matter?" She replied, "If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you." The Prophet (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) asked, "What did he say?" She replied, "Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see." So the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, "Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and more."



Approval - When the wife acknowledges the goodness in her husband and expresses overall satisfaction with him, the husband receives the *approval* he needs. An approving attitude looks for the good reasons behind what the husband does (even if she doesn't agree with the act itself). Every man wants to be his wife's hero. The sign that he's achieved that is his wife's approval.

Example: If the wife expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like, "How could you do that?" he feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.

Appreciation - When the wife acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from her husband's efforts and behaviour, he feels *appreciated*. When a man is appreciated, he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more.

Example: Acknowledge what your husband has done for you instead of just complaining about what he has not done. If he doesn't hear your appreciation, he won't continue his efforts.

Acceptance - When the wife lovingly receives her husband without trying to change him, he feels *accepted*. This accepting attitude does not mean that she believes he is perfect, but it indicates that she is not trying to improve him and that she trusts him to make his own improvements.

Example: Don't nag him about his bad habits or try to control his behaviour by sharing upset or negative feelings. Sharing feelings is ok, but not when used to punish or manipulate.

Ok, time to memorize it:

TEA Triple A
T - Trust
E - Encouragement
A - Admiration


A - Approval
A - Appreciation
A - Acceptance

a3644us
05-15-2007, 01:39 AM
similar thread... http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=15052sorry, didn't know that.
jazak Allah khair