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Allahu-Akbar
05-22-2007, 08:50 PM
salamualaykum,

question for married sisters/brothers:

I have encountered numerous sisters who have gotten married at ages 19, 20, 21..and probably 80-90%, if not more, of these sisters have said they felt that they were not mature enough and looking back, would have preferred to get married later.

Some of these women have children now, others do not. Some finished college before getting married, others continued going to college or discontinued after getting married. But all of them basically said they did not feel they were mature enough.

Being around the age mentioned above, and wanting to get married, I am wondering about the advice these women have given about delaying marriage a bit. I think that if both people are sincerely hoping to please ALLAAH, follow the sunnah, take the steps in the beginning [ie: pre-marital counseling], etc, then getting married young, if possible (as in 19, 20, 21, 22) would be a blessed thing enshaAllaah. But this is speaking idealistically, considering I don't have experience.

So I was just wondering if those who are married could comment about this matter. In the end, I suppose the individual situation differs, but it is nice to get some feedback from those who have already gotten married and can reflect on when they did, etc.

your repliez really would help add perspective enshaAllaah!

worried
05-22-2007, 11:17 PM
This topic can be debated but to no avail. For those that got married young, they might express advice that its better to wait till one is more mature, finished with college etc. For those that married later, they might express advice to sisters to marry younger. The grass always seems greener on the other side. If you read istikharaah, then Allah SWT will decide for you if getting married at that age with that person is better for you. You can split hairs all you want but the decree is pre-ordained.

UmmSakinah
05-23-2007, 11:37 AM
waalaikumsalam

I am one of those who married at the age of 19, had my firstborn at the age of 21/21, and I don't say you need to necessarily delay marriage. However, it is true that not everyone can marry at that young an age and 'survive'. It truly depends on on the dynamics of the relationship of the couple, and the attitude they adopt in the marriage, and most of all the patience, dua and how much they try to live an Islamic life.

I have seen 'young' marriages crumble (more than I want to witness) but we can't necessarily say it's a cause and effect because marriages crumble for many reasons.

I wouldn't have delayed getting married were I given the chance to do it all over again.

I don't have any other inputs on this issue for now. I will get back if I do, I'd have to mull over it a bit.

As for maturity, I think I was too busy doing my undergraduate, being pregnant while doing so, learning how to be a mother, all in the first year of marriage to be pulled back from immaturity. Yes I was immature, but all those experiences somewhat expedited the process.

Umm-Layth
05-23-2007, 06:59 PM
as-Salaamu `alaykum

and may Allaah continue blessing your marriage for you!

I was also one of those who got married at a young age. I was 15 years old and my husband was 17. If I had the chance to do it all over again I would have also done it at the same exact age. However, I was immature but just like Umm Sakinah mentioned, with pregnancy I too had to grow up. That doesn't mean that 5 years later (and 2 kids later) I am fully mature. In fact, I consider myself pretty immature still (in different ways).

When you get yourself into a whole new experience, you aren't necessarily ready for it from the beginning. It takes experiencing it to be ready for it. For example, a woman is expecting a baby and goes through the pregnancy stages. She has her baby and is suddenly a new mother. Is she suddenly an expert? Not at all. She learns everything as she goes along her journey of being a mother, and in reality it is the same with a marriage. You aren't going to be prepared 100% for what is going to come. You will learn as you go along. You may succeed in every affair in your marriage, or like the majority, you will have good and bad times.

I encourage many young sisters to get married young because of the evils of our times and the naseeha of our Rasul (sallAllaahu `alayhi wa sallam), but I don't encourage every young sister. There are sisters that I know that I would never be the one to tell them to get married. Why? Because they truly are very immature and I would fear that getting married would be too much of a burden for them. It is certain people that have to grow up on their own, with other experiences. Such experiences I do believe have to be left to those who want to be a part of them and are atleast a little grown up due to the seriousness of marriage. That is because getting married is no longer about 1, but an entire new family.

Some tips I would give those who are young though would be: 1) don't move in with in laws. So that takes me to my other tip... 2) men, get your degree/certification/job before you take on the responsibility of a wife. You don't have to be in your 20's either. There are plenty of hard-working young men out there, who run their own business, work in good jobs, are working on a certification or something for their future.

Ra77aal
05-24-2007, 12:20 PM
I got married at 20, and have been married 2.5 years- no kids, and am going back to school this fall insha'Allah for a pharmacy degree..

With regards to your question- i think the answer is to know yourself...

Know yourself well enough so that you can find a spouse that is most likely to complement you and the type of life you see for yourself. Marriage hasn't hindered me from doing anything I've wanted to do.

I don't have any regrets.. any struggles I've encountered have only made me stronger as a person, and taught me more about myself and the world..

I'm of the opinion that if the right person comes along...go for it !!

Hala
05-24-2007, 01:11 PM
Some tips I would give those who are young though would be: 1) don't move in with in laws. So that takes me to my other tip... 2) men, get your degree/certification/job before you take on the responsibility of a wife. You don't have to be in your 20's either. There are plenty of hard-working young men out there, who run their own business, work in good jobs, are working on a certification or something for their future.Well said!! :)

You must have been a very mature 15 year old!

Allahu-Akbar
05-24-2007, 05:58 PM
mashaa Allaah this has been very helpful.

Zawjatu_Zakaria
05-24-2007, 08:35 PM
I got married at 17 and my husband was 3 months older than. I wouldn't change anything but it was very hard in the beginning to settle down. Especially for my husband. It was hard for him to be a father, a student, a employee and a husband all at once at the age of 19. But allhumdulilah it taught us a lot and we're still learning.

You can never really say getting married young is wrong but for some people it's way too risky. I know too many marriages that have fallen apart because of the immaturity of the husbands. Usually girls can mature faster but guys take a long time.