View Full Version : Proposal dilemma
One of the sisters i know has been approached by a man who's all righteous and pious. problem is, this brother's 'beardless', and the sister's parents aren't very happy about that. Should she go ahead and overlook his seemingly one negative aspect or just let go? Personally, i think it'd foolish to reject, since brothers like this guy are really hard to come across! um, so what do ya'll suggest?
06-05-2007, 04:16 PM
As salaam 'alaikum
A similar questions was asked by a sister I know and she was advised the following, firstly find out the reason as to why he doesn’t have a beard
1. Is it a weakness he has and is trying to deal with or
2. Does he feel it’s not necessary and he doesn’t need to grow one
if its a weakness then inshaa Allaah with time he may slowly overcome this weakness and this is something she should emphasis before the marriage that she would really want him to grow a beard
(though I think the above would be kind of embarrassing to ask)
Please forgive me if I’m not allowed to answer I was not sure as to who is allowed to answer in these threads
06-05-2007, 04:36 PM
not all guys can grow beards.
besides, beards, like the hijab/niqaab, can be very superficial. even if he had one, it doesnt necessarily have any impact on his religious-ity. some guys just grow it because of pressure, fashion, or tradition. sometimes, they're just empty on the inside (may Allah [swt] protect us).
treat beards as a necessary-but-insufficient condition when looking... assuming he is able to grow it in the first place.
06-06-2007, 12:52 AM
I agree with the above comments. You don't want to say anything before you look into it further and get an overall idea of how this brother thinks. Its important that you focus on the religion and character..with emphasis on both. A practicing Muslim brother with a beard doesn't necessarily mean he's perfect and with good character. Its also important that your future husband treat you well and also encourage you to be better Muslim. Don't over analyze things, rely on Allah SWT and put your affairs in His hands. You've made du'a Insha-Allah and offered your Istikharaah prayer. After that, don't stress out. May Allah SWT give you peace of mind and ease your decision.
06-06-2007, 02:22 AM
if the parent's are unhappy, then I think she should concur with their judgement rather than imposing her views. Wallahu `alam.
06-06-2007, 11:00 AM
some excellent replies, ma sha Allah. I'd say look into the reason, and you can make it a condition on the marriage if you prefer. br. Yahya Ibrahim, a well known student of knowledge keeps a very thin beard-- it is because of a medical reason, so he does what he can.
I personally think a persons outward appearance is a reflection of their company. "you are on the sunnah of your friends"... "show me who your friends are and I'll show you who you are."
for example, I personally used to keep a thin 'gq' beard and then when i began going to my local masjid regularly, I began to love the look of the beard! I wanted to be like the elders there. I also started to love the smell of 'athars. so I began to make dua for Allah to let me grow a beautiful beard. its still in the works and I am gradually filling it out with time, Allahuakbar
Jazakum Allahu Kheir ya'll.
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06-06-2007, 08:51 PM
No one's perfect...as was mentioned above. If the brother is in a stage of continuously developing himself...and everything but the beard is good to go...it depends on the sister/sister's family..if they cannot stand the fact that the beard is not there, then they should reject..however if they can live with it for a while (or forever)..then they should accept. When you see flaws or 'red lights' in a prospective spouse..ask yourself "Can you tolerate this if he/she never changes?" ..if you cannot stand that characteristic..it would be wise to avoid the marriage, because it will drive you nuts in the marriage and eventually lead to divorce (<-- advice of practicing brothers I've talked to who've been divorced b/c spouse did something that he couldn't stand (i.e. music, no jilbaab, talk to boys) and were tricked into thinking that they would change afterwards..and when they wouldn't..things got ugly.
06-07-2007, 02:10 PM
alhumdulillah im loving the replies... they have been interesting to read... i think sh. yasir qadhi answered a similar question about the length of the beard during ilmfest... sheykh said that the focus should not be on the length of ones beard or if a sister is observing hijab/nikaab, rather they should focus on things like if that person is committed to their deen... like if they are praying 5 times and so on... keeping in mind that with time and more knowledge the brother/sister can continue to grow religiously inshallah
plus, i think most of us can relate to some degree... we all remember our own time... look back to when you first discovered this beautiful thing called islam and how far you have come since then. i know with my transition, i took baby steps.. and subhanallah it has only gotten easier since than. ive come to truly love wearing the hijab; as it serves me many benefits... alhumdulillah it is my protection, it is my identity, it is my liberation, it is my belief, it is a part of who iam.
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