self-confidence vs. arrogance/humbleness vs. self-loathing

[meryooma]

Bismillah,

Asalamu 3alaykum all,

I wanted to start a thread to compare some concepts in my mind about these two issues: self-confidence vs. arrogance & humbleness vs. self-loathing.

The reason why I ask is because sometimes I think there is a very fine line between all of these character traits.

For example, when I think in terms of humbleness (Tawada3), I think of my humility in front of Allah (swt), asking for His forgiveness, like ArRasul (asws). Then I thought of a story that Sh. Muhammad Faqih told at ROE about a man who accused and was name-calling ArRasul (asws) for not giving him his rightful amount of money. Omar (ar) was with ArRasul (asws) and was about to kill the man, until ArRasul (asws) stopped him, smiled, and asked the Omar (ra) to go with the man and give him the amount owed to him and more. Upon seeing this the man told Omar (ra) that he really wanted to see if Muhammad was truly RasulAllah or not, by his demeanor. He then said the Shahada with Omar (ra) as a witness, and took all his wealth to give to AlMuslimeen.

Honestly, in this day and age, who can say that they have that kind of courage, patience, and self-control to even smile at such a false accusation? When I go and visit in Egypt, my aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, tell me to be tough, and Alhamdulilah, I can hold my own. But when I try to be more passive, I get accused of having low self-confidence! Or if I get a compliment, I'm not usually good at taking them, and I end up with a response in which i'm exposing a flaw of mine. And there I'm told that I'm too hard on myself.

Then there is the other end of the spectrum - self-confidence and arrogance. My mom told me a story of Sh. AshSha3rawi (Allah yar7amu). He had just finished giving a lecture in the masjid and was on his way outside to his car, that his son was driving. There was a huge crowd of men that were outside, and were so happy with the Sh., that they actually lifted his car up off the ground and carried it down the street. As his son and him were going from Cairo to Alex (I think), Sh. AshSha3rawi asked to stop by a "reststop" restroom. So his son was waiting in the car, until his father was finished, but he noticed that he was taking a long time in the bathroom, so he went to check on his father. When he went inside the restroom, he saw his father (one of the most famous and beloved Sheikhs at the time), on all fours with his jilbab in his hands, scrubbing the filthy floors. Later, when his some asked him why he was doing that, he said that when the men were lifting up the car, he felt a little bit of pride for himself, and he scrubbed the filthy floor to teach his "nafs" a lesson.

After hearing that, I have no quams about being hard on myself at all.

But in this day and age of "self-help," "self-esteem," and "self-confidence" where do we draw the line.

And the same goes for being humble and disliking yourself, where is the clear difference of when you are stepping over the line. I think that Allah (swt) would not want us to dislike ourselves, cause that means that we dislike His Creation.

Any thoughts?

[TrustInAllah]

Assalaamu 'alaykum wa Rahmatullaah,

With regards to self-confidence, I think the best definition of it, is being able to have control over oneself and one's performance. We recognize our short-comings ( which I think is the most crucial part) and at the same time, we have the motivation to improve and to become better individuals, bi tawfiqillaah.

wAllaahu a'lam.

-TrustinAllaah

[yasser_z]

as -salaamu alaikum,

my thoughts.. make oneself a student of a) assertiveness b) influence d) tazkiya c) akhlaq. studying the topics in that order brought me to where i am today alhumdulillah.

1. Studying assertiveness helped me communicate without feeling guilty.
I was able to overcome fear of an adverse reaction from the other party. for example, there was a time when i would never call home to tell my parents I'd be home late. if i did, I knew they would make me feel guilty and tell me to come home right away, so i just wouldnt.

after studying assertiveness, i learned to word my phrases in a way that made them respond without making either of us guilty. it was a pre-emptive measure. so now I can say "as salaamu alaikum mom I'm at so and so's, we're eating this and because its late i think I'll rest here and sleep and come home after fajr when its safer. do you think I'll be safer doing that?"

so alhumdulillah now i am able to say what i want to say.


2. principles of influence. this lets us guide the thoughts and actions of others. lol ok that may not sound so cozy and kind on the surface.. essentially i sought to cease being a pawn in someone elses agenda, and started being the one setting direction. take charge of the family and so forth. how to do shura. speak and have people actually listen.

it however eventually made everyone around me dependent on me. it got to the point where, nobody would do anything unless i approved of it. that in itself carries the capacity to inflate the ego, outhubillah. so the issues that surfaced led me to....


3. tazkiya. alhumdulillah after re-learing my aqeedah top to bottom i learned to become dependent on Allah, and I love it. the sweetness of it is undescribable, and i think all muslims would agree.

the tazkiya portion helped me deal with containing ego with an upper and lower limit. the upper limit being with regards to influence over others, remembering the amana (trust) of ameership and so forth.

specifically in dealing with a compliment, I will take it heartfelt.. "jazakallahu khair, nobody has ever said that to me! thank you so much, may Allah grant you the same and better.." or whatever and make dua for that person. point being to turn it back to Allah and the other person. if its an event or compliment that involves not just me, I'll give 100% of the credit to the team. "it was the tawfeeq of Allah and the effort of the team, please make dua for them!"

the lower limit of the ego is in containing humilty as it relates to other people. infront of others a person can be rock solid, and that same person can cry buckets in front of Allah when nobody is watching.

i recall a story one of my teachers told me where after adopting islam (I'm not sure if this is authentic or not) there was a battle, and Umer ibn al Khattab's (ra) began to become timid. the Prohhet (saw) saw this and grabbed Umer (ra) by the shoulders and shook him and said "we need you as you were!"

meaning, keep the good qualities of our personalities for jahiliya and stay true to the talents that Allah have given us success with insha'Allah. islam is not suffering and abasement. it is honour and purity, and strength in having Allah as our protector, wallahu alam.

4. akhlaq. here is the refinement layer. the base is intact. i love looking for and spending time with others who are of noble akhlaq, simply for that fact. if they have knowledge thats even better.

akhlaq shows refinement and discipline in someone. its the fruit of someones pursuit of Allah's pleasure and a strong indicator of someones eman, ikhlas and level of sabr. it is very difficult to have consistent ahkalaq in the easy and difficult times.

i love the study of husnul akhlaq and i pray and hope to have great akhlaq and pray for friends who have the best of akhlaq and i hope for my wife children and family to be known to have honour in our akhalq insha'Allah ameen.


alright theres my 15 minute essay on self development! hope it bears some fruit insha'Allah and somehow related to your post! the process took about 3 years starting age 23 and will continue till...? :)

subhanakallahuma wa bihamdik, wa ashadu an la ilaha illa ant, astugferuka wa utubu ilayk. jazakumallahu khair wa as salaamu alaikum,

[meryooma]

Bismillah


yasser_z - the lower limit of the ego is in containing humilty as it relates to other people. infront of others a person can be rock solid, and that same person can cry buckets in front of Allah when nobody is watching
yeah, i can see it defined now. ever since i had the opportunity, alhamdulilah, to attend a weekend retreat about 'tazkiyat annafs' there has become this very small space between self-confidence and arrogance. ever since then, i find myself asking, 'why am i doing (this)?', 'who am i doing it for?' its like a way of reminding myself that i'm not in this life for my sake only.


yasser_z - i recall a story one of my teachers told me where after adopting islam (I'm not sure if this is authentic or not) there was a battle, and Umer ibn al Khattab's (ra) began to become timid. the Prohhet (saw) saw this and grabbed Umer (ra) by the shoulders and shook him and said "we need you as you were!"this makes me laugh at this complex i had when i was little. as long as i can remember, i have been a very outgoing person. not abrasive, or offensive, alhamdulilah, but just not afraid to step up to a challenge, or speak out i guess. in 2nd and 3rd grade, there was this girl in my class (both years) that was so quiet and shy. she intrigued me, cause she was just as social as i was, but she was also the type of person that was not as opaque as i was (am). i wanted to be like that sooooo much, until, i learned more about 3ai'sha (ra) and how emotionally opaque, outspoken and even intimidating she was. of course, i could never compare to someone like that, but i learned to be ok with the way i was.....alhamdulilah

i hate to speak on general terms, but, i also think that girls generally deal with some self-helplessness moreso than guys do. guys have the tendency to blame more external factors to shortcomings or failures, where girls are more likely to internalize it and almost blame themselves. i see this with my students a lot. if a boy doesn't understand something, then "it's" stupid, and if a girl doesn't understand something, then "she's" stupid.

sub7anAllah, it's really interesting how different our minds are in terms of how events and emotions are processed.....

[meryooma]

With regards to self-confidence, I think the best definition of it, is being able to have control over oneself and one's performance. We recognize our short-comings ( which I think is the most crucial part) and at the same time, we have the motivation to improve and to become better individuals, bi tawfiqillaah.suba7anAllah, i remember my mom always telling me (still does) that a true mu'min never fully feels satisfied with his/her state of iman, like there is always room for improvement....

alhamdulilah, it is nice to have those moments where you feel a new and better feeling of khushoo3 in your salat, and less affected by the outside world upon your reliance on Allah (swt).

May Allah (swt) always bless us with the steady progression of our state of Iman, Khushoo3, and Tawakkul, Ameen.

[yasser_z]

this is a really interesting thread.. Masha Allah there are some really great points on here.

But I'm curious to know how did you go about studying the various topics mentioned (i.e assertiveness, influence, etc...)? any tips for someone who wants to go along that path?alright step 1: assertiveness
hmm i would say, the local library is your friend!
central library 4th floor business section.. and 3rd floor psychology section. there's some reallly good stuff up there. in particular some specifics i can remember:

- audio cassette called assertiveness, or assertive speaking, something like that
- video called 'how to deal with difficult people'.

[yasser_z]

nice ma sha Allah. 2-3 hours of time on a random afternoon will put you ahead of a lot of others. maybe after going through the tape/video you can share some of the more beneficial points with us.

[Asha]

in 2nd and 3rd grade, there was this girl in my class (both years) that was so quiet and shy. she intrigued me, cause she was just as social as i was, but she was also the type of person that was not as opaque as i was (am). i wanted to be like that sooooo much, until, i learned more about 3ai'sha (ra) and how emotionally opaque, outspoken and even intimidating she was. of course, i could never compare to someone like that, but i learned to be ok with the way i was.....alhamdulilah

i hate to speak on general terms, but, i also think that girls generally deal with some self-helplessness moreso than guys do. guys have the tendency to blame more external factors to shortcomings or failures, where girls are more likely to internalize it and almost blame themselves. i see this with my students a lot. if a boy doesn't understand something, then "it's" stupid, and if a girl doesn't understand something, then "she's" stupid.

sub7anAllah, it's really interesting how different our minds are in terms of how events and emotions are processed.....


SUBHANALLAH GLORY BE TO ALLAH....

I JUST HAVE TO GET OUT AND SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE AISHA (RA)!!!!
IN SOME CULTURES WOMAN ARE TOLD TO BE QUITE, MEAGER (WE ALL KNOW THAT) BUT WHEN I LEARN MORE AND MORE ABOUT AISHA (RA) I THINK WE CAN STILL BE WHO WE ARE W/OUT HAVING TO BE MOLDED INTO WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BE....
EXPECIALLY SINCE OUR RASOOL (SAW) LOVED HER SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!! IT GIVES ME THE CONFIDENCE TO BE WHO I AM AND BE THE BEST MUSLIMA I CAN BE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE AM REALLY CRAZY (WELL AM JUST A TINY BIT CRAZY, IN A GOOD WAY!! ) :)


MAY ALLAH BLESS AISHA (RA) I LOVE HER SOOOOOOO MUCH AND I WANNA BE LIKE HER IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY(EXCEPT AM SOMALI), AND LEARN EVERYTHING I CAN FROM THE WAY SHE LIVED!!! AMEN..