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Hala
08-12-2007, 05:23 PM
Assalama 'Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

... so I know a few people who were/are young and married who have alhamdulilaah worked out well.. but then I hear horror stories about young marriages failing. If there are any young and married or were young when they married folks here, I wanted to know if they have any advice to the young and married...

Juli, I look forward to your response in shaa Allah ;]

A common word I hear A LOT is have PATIENCE.

JazaakumAllah khayr.

Wassalama 'Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

UmmSarah
08-12-2007, 05:29 PM
I feel like people become more opinionated and set in their ways as they get older. I feel like young people are more ready to compromise and build a new life together with their spouses so I am all for marrying young (as long as both parties have been raised to be responsible).

UmmSakinah
08-12-2007, 06:43 PM
Hmmm Ummsarah's comments are refreshing. I never heard it said before regarding young marriage, but I agree.

As for what my response will be, yes, have batience...especially if the husband is the same age as the wife, the wife has to be extra patient, because the wife will mature before the husband and this can get really frustrating & exasperating at a certain point. On the other hand, if the wife is too young, it can also be frustrating for an older husband allahu a'lam (i've never been on that side).

When problem arises, usually it's those little things, but they have the potential to blow up out of proportion.

Advice: don't tell your problems to anyone especially your friends, because when it's all over and done with, you will realize how foolish it was to get all worked up over such a small thing.

Sometimes you have to be more patient one, and just make dua to Allah to give you more patience and to make your husband listen to you :D
Sometimes you have to wait a few years for this to happen.

Differnt couples have different dynamics, so it really depends on what works for a couple.

I think though that with every marriage, getting oneself used to living with another person is the biggest challenge, especially for a woman when she discovers that men have bad hygiene (ok that is an example, half meant as a joke ok) or that what matters to her doesn't matter that much to a man (for example that the shoes go here and not there).

For a woman, when she's young she tends to sometimes get agitated very easily and can most of the time go literally crazy. For the men, very important to just ride it out..she'll mellow out as she gets older and wiser.

So for the women: do realize this and feel sorry for your husband for this don't cage him too much or demand too much. Let him loose once in a while..umm maybe to play soccer, basketball (huh yeah right, look who's talking! no..seriously, let him have some brothers time but make sure he makes it up to you too (if he does this and he abandons your right to be pampered, then I suggest you review your Love Notes notes).

I don't have that much advice...it's only been 11 years now...we still have a long way to go, but you know sometimes when the going gets rough, I think to myself,

"That's ok, we won't have problems in Jannah inshaallah."

Sometimes when you feel so angry & exasperated, maybe a dose of Saad Al Ghamidi or Efasy or Bukhaatir ;) can bring you back to reality (akhirah)

bintMunir
08-12-2007, 09:34 PM
Assalamu Alaykum,

I think that there is a big problem with marriages failing these days in general, not just in the younger marriages.. but sometimes a younger marriage DOES have more external obstacles/ hardships that a couple who married later in life may not.

For instance,

1. a couple who marries very young may marry while the husband has many years left of university. This is harder than people realize.. as either the husband will work and go to school, which takes most of his time.. and financially you are strained... or he takes a loan (inshallah halal) and you are financially tight now and also for years after when he is paying it off.

2. they usually live with his or her family while he finishes school or gets on his own two feet, which sometimes can take a long time when he is young and needs to finish school. This again is much more difficult than people realize.

3. Also, for many couples who marry at that age.. their friends have not married. This makes it difficult as all their friends are in a different phase of life. To realize how this affects you..think of the last time you could discuss any type of problem you were having in life with a friend and you felt he understood you or could offer advice. Now.. take all those friends away and thats what you get. Single friends cannot understand what you are going through and often may give the wrong advice due to lack of experience.

4. For the men.. they might have a hard time at a young age to take care of his wife emotionally... since most men even later on feel this is difficult to do.

But.. in general.. marriage is like everything else in life... you have to work for things you want.. they don't just fall into your lap. So if you want a successful marriage, you have to be willing to work at it.. and work is usually hard and not always fun! All marriages have problems and all couples have to make some sacrifices (each couple is unique though and the problems and sacrifices will be different). I think the reason the younger marriages and any others that fail is that people think marriage is supposed to be easy and amazing.. as two people love each other and are now together.. so why shouldn't it be? Unfortunately, thats not how it works. 10-15 years down the road, a marriage still has challenges and hardships. The question is.. are people willing to work through them and tough it out?

Hopefully they are.. because at the end of the day.. it's totally worth it.

Rahma
08-12-2007, 09:41 PM
Sometimes when you feel so angry & exasperated, maybe a dose of Saad Al Ghamidi or Efasy or Bukhaatir ;) can bring you back to reality (akhirah)
Nice one. Good points, Masha'Allah.

UmmSarah
08-12-2007, 10:10 PM
How young do you mean by young, Hala? I was thinking along the lines of the guy around 21 (just graduated) and girl, let's say, 18-19 sort of young. :)... you know, versus people waiting until they're well into their twenties or early thirties.

Hala
08-13-2007, 11:56 AM
How young do you mean by young, Hala? I was thinking along the lines of the guy around 21 (just graduated) and girl, let's say, 18-19 sort of young. :)... you know, versus people waiting until they're well into their twenties or early thirties.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I was thinking. Although, for the brother, I was thinking young would be anywhere up to 24ish.. For the sister, anywhere from the teens (17-18 up to 20-21).

JazaakumAllah khayr sisters! Very insightful posts!

Nazia Awan
08-13-2007, 02:49 PM
Assalaamu'alaikum,

I guess me and my husband got married young according to your defintion and what UmmSarah said is absolutely true. I never experienced any of that "toilet paper up or down" scenario or any of those silly things that I thought I was supposed to fight about with my husband. We both molded into each other's ways depending on whose way was best for the specific situation. Sometimes it was me, and sometimes it was him. There was no ego, and there was no "but it's so hard to change". I changed a lot of stuff about myself after marriage, only for the better, and so did my husband. These changes were difficult for us but we knew it was for the best. Also, there were and still are many life issues that we haven't formed solid opinions on yet (how to deal with extended family, parents, school, kids, entertainment, friends, islamic philosophy, etc), so when we are confronted with it, we both bring open minds to the discussion and end up feeling pretty good about our decision.

wAllahu A'lam.

~Oum AbdurRahman~
08-13-2007, 03:21 PM
Just keep your expectation of your spouse at a very low minimum and you'll do great. Don't expect him to want to listen to you much, don't expect him to be like one of your best friends. Don't expect him to accept you for who you completely are because there are many things about you that he's not gonna like. Bani Adam is never satisfied until his stomach is full of dust, so remember that, you'll never find complete happiness through marriage. You'll only find it with Allah.

Also, if you know he loves you, but perhaps you don't really feel the same, keep him, and do what you can to help the marriage, because most likely you'll never come across another guy who'll truely love you ever again.

Try not to hold in any grudges, just forget about the arguement that you had the night before.

Set your ways and don't let him get used to you not asking for anything, not needing anything, not wanting to buy anything. Because later on when you really do need something, he'll give you a hard time. If you get him used to you with a certain habit, from the get go, he'll expect the same through out the whole entire marriage. So be straight forward from the begining, and don't be shy to ask from him what you want when he asks you.

Hala
08-13-2007, 10:17 PM
Assalaamu'alaikum,

I guess me and my husband got married young according to your defintion and what UmmSarah said is absolutely true. I never experienced any of that "toilet paper up or down" scenario or any of those silly things that I thought I was supposed to fight about with my husband. We both molded into each other's ways depending on whose way was best for the specific situation. Sometimes it was me, and sometimes it was him. There was no ego, and there was no "but it's so hard to change". I changed a lot of stuff about myself after marriage, only for the better, and so did my husband. These changes were difficult for us but we knew it was for the best. Also, there were and still are many life issues that we haven't formed solid opinions on yet (how to deal with extended family, parents, school, kids, entertainment, friends, islamic philosophy, etc), so when we are confronted with it, we both bring open minds to the discussion and end up feeling pretty good about our decision.

wAllahu A'lam.

jazaakillah khayr! Very helpful advice!

Hala
08-13-2007, 10:21 PM
Just keep your expectation of your spouse at a very low minimum and you'll do great. Don't expect him to want to listen to you much, don't expect him to be like one of your best friends. Don't expect him to accept you for who you completely are because there are many things about you that he's not gonna like. Bani Adam is never satisfied until his stomach is full of dust, so remember that, you'll never find complete happiness through marriage. You'll only find it with Allah.

Also, if you know he loves you, but perhaps you don't really feel the same, keep him, and do what you can to help the marriage, because most likely you'll never come across another guy who'll truely love you ever again.

Try not to hold in any grudges, just forget about the arguement that you had the night before.

Set your ways and don't let him get used to you not asking for anything, not needing anything, not wanting to buy anything. Because later on when you really do need something, he'll give you a hard time. If you get him used to you with a certain habit, from the get go, he'll expect the same through out the whole entire marriage. So be straight forward from the begining, and don't be shy to ask from him what you want when he asks you.
mashaa Allah. JazaakiAllah khayr Oum AbdurRahman.

ummaziza
08-14-2007, 01:53 AM
MashaAllah Oum AbdurRahman, I have been married over ten years. I promise you that was the best advice I can remember hearing - ever. I needed to hear that today especially. Jazakyllahu khairun. May Allah bless you in your affairs.

~Oum AbdurRahman~
08-15-2007, 01:54 PM
Jezakoum Allahu khairan for the kind words and du3ah, Allah knows I need that :).

bintNaim
08-15-2007, 07:30 PM
so remember that, you'll never find complete happiness through marriage. You'll only find it with Allah.

.MashaAllah....this is a beautiful naseeha......Jazakallahukhair Oum AbdurRahman
May Allah rewards you much....... =)

Teena
08-15-2007, 07:32 PM
Assalamu Alaikom, well, I got married when I was only 23 and my husband was 32. It's been almost two years and I haven't decided what I think about people getting married young. It's definitely hard. Teena