View Full Version : Marriage 101 - Safi Khan - NOTEs | Please add Lecture to course prep material

08-13-2007, 02:26 PM
Asalamu alaykum,

Alhamdullilah I was at sook Al-Huda some time ago and bought "Marriage 101" by Safi Khan which has two really important lectures, mash'Allah. The first one sounds like a khutbah and is about kindness. The 2nd one is a khutbah given at a marriage ceremony that is mash'Allah so beautiful.

I think this talk is a must add to the course prep for both Love Notes and Fiqh of Love. For those wanting to order go to salsabeel dot com or call 1.866.HALAL4U. It is a must have. I took about 14 pages of notes on the CD, Alhamdullilah.

I'm sharing just some of my notes from the khutbah given at the marriage - the 2nd talk - and so I am not even sharing with you the 1st half of the CD which you may like even better but not as easy to put into an article if I break it up. It's also not all of the 2nd talk, for brevity. Of course, the audio is way better to hear, Shaykh Safi almost chuckles a lot when he tells stories of Aisha RA or of how a brother or sister might think or say things before marriage. It helps you see hadith in a totally different light when someone explains it to you and you also see the humor and smarts of people. Here's the notes insha'Allah, put in a little effort and get the talk if you can. If you know me, insha'Allah I can pick one up for you too if I go back to Sook al-Huda, Alhamdullilah :) Asalamu alaykum


As was the practice of Rasool’Allah SAW, he would normally give a short talk or khutbah on the occasion of the marriage, and he would go through and advise the prospective husband and wife about certain things that they should watch out for, that they should be aware of before they get married.
This evening, he wants to take one thing that we as brothers should pay attention to and one thing that he sisters should pay attention to, and there are 2 or 3 things that both together will have to pay attention too. So there are 5 issues.
Rights of the Sisters
Something that the brothers should pay attention to when it comes to the rights of the sisters.

You see, in Islam, if you want a happy marriage – because these days it seems that it’s very difficult to have a happy marriage – but if you want to have a happy marriage, there’s one thing that the brothers really have to concentrate on, and that is an intense amount of mercy and compassion and forgiveness. This is something that the brothers really have to practice, and this is one issue that you find a lot of sisters asking for that and a lot of brothers not giving it: mercy, compassion, tolerance, patience, gentleness, kindness, and so on.
And this comes up very quickly, when the marriage begins and the anger begins to show up in the men. And I know a lot of the brothers will say “She makes me angry, that’s why I get angry”, well the whole issue is, remember when Rasool’Allah SAW as giving away Fatima RA and Ali RA came to ask for her hand, the one piece of advice that Rasool’Allah SAW gave Ali – and remember Ali was one of the 10 promised Paradise – and yet Rasool’Allah SAW told him just two (note: in Arabic) simple words “Ya Ali!, don’t get upset.” So Ali RA acknowledged that he heard him SAW and turned around and started to walk out, and as he was walking out Rasool’Allah SAW called out to him again and said “O Ali!, Don’t you get upset.” Ali RA, in his respect for the Prophet SAW, recognized, acknowledged that he had heard the Prophet SAW, and he turned around and started to walk out again, at that point Rasool’Allah SAW called out to him a third time, and it was known of the Prophet SAW if he was to emphasize something twice or thrice, this was something really important, so he called out to him a third time “O Ali!” – Ali turns around – “Don’t get upset.”
Now, Rasool’Allah SAW is talking to Ali who was one of the 10 promised Paradise and he’s talking about his own daughter Fatima was is supposed to be the leader of all the women in Paradise, if Rasool’Allah SAW is talking about a couple like this, can you imagine how important that type of recommendation would be for us today, very important.
So, before marriage, when we talk to each other, usually you get the impression that “Mash’Allah he never gets upset”, “And he has such nice manners”, you know “He’s – mash’Allah”, “Nothing fazes him”, “He’s such an angel.” And you know before marriage, the brothers, even if, if she sneezes the brother will say “You need to go to hospital?”, “You need to go, I’ll take you right now, I’ll call somebody and I’ll take you.”
But after marriage, the sisters have been married(edit?), after marriage, after you get used to the person, if she happens to sneeze then he gets upsets and says “I’ve told you 1,000 times don’t sneeze in my presence!” And the anger begins to come.
The point being, the first characteristic on the brothers side, we have to be extremely merciful, extremely compassionate, extreme kindness. And Rasool’Allah SAW told us not to be harsh, not to be hard, to be merciful.
Now I know some of the brothers are probably saying “Brother Safi, you don’t know, these are metal these days, they’re not glass, they’re very tough these days.” But Rasool’Allah SAW is saying be gentle with these glass vessels, meaning if something is made out of glass you are very careful with how you handle that. Be very kind and gentle with this, not rough and cruel in any way.
One time, Rasool’Allah SAW and Aisha had a difference of opinion, so Rasool’Allah SAW, you know if any decision has to be made you go to him to figure it out, to make a decision in any dispute, but look at the humility of Rasool’Allah SAW. He comes to Aisha and says “Who should we go to to solve our dispute?” Aisha said “I don’t know, who do you suggest?” Rasool’Allah SAW said “Abu Ubdaydah.” She said yeah, he’s a good man, isn’t there anybody else. Then Rasool’Allah SAW suggested Umar RA and she said no, not Umar. Then she said I want my father, Abu Bakr, to be the judge between us. They invited Abu Bakr to listen to them, Rasool’Allah SAW said you go first, Aisha looked to her father and said no he should go first and she said to Rasool’Allah SAW “Go ahead and speak and say nothing but the truth.” She says this to Rasool’Allah SAW, if he’s not gonna speak the truth, who’s is gonna speak the truth. Imagine, could she say something like that if the Prophet SAW had not been merciful and nice and kind,,, she felt comfortable to be able to say something like that to Rasool’Allah SAW.
As a matter of fact when she said this her father got very upset, how dare she speak this to the Prophet SAW and he got up and was gonna beat her and Rasool’Allah came in between and said “We didn’t ask you to come for this.” They asked Abu Bakr to come solve the problem between him and Aisha, and Rasool’Allah SAW is getting in the middle to solve the problem between Aisha and her father Abu Bakr, so he asked Abu Bakr to leave. Abu Bakr RA says that he had hardly left the house, just going out, and he had heard both of them had already made up and they were laughing, both of them were laughing.
This is the mercy and compassion I’m talking about.
A man came to Umar RA and he had a problem with his wife, and wanted to go to Umar for some counseling to see if Umar could help him, he was the khalifa at this point. So Umar was at his home, and as the man come near the home and heard voice of Umar’s wife, and he was just about to knock on the door when he heard the wife of Umar being louder than Umar, he was just about to knock but didn’t. But Umar somehow felt that there was a man outside, and so he came to the door and opened it and saw the man walking away, so Umar RA, Amir Al-Mumineen, calls out and says what happened, how can I help you, what do you need? So the man says Ameer Al-Mumineen, I came to get some advice for my wife but I saw that your wife was louder then you, so I am just going.
So Umar RA at that point, said to this man, listen, “My wife, she has tolerated me all these years. She washes my clothes, and she cleans my house, and pays attention to the upbringing of my children. And she does all of this for me. Shouldn’t I bear with her if she just raises her voice at me?’ Now imagine, this is Umar the big, tall robust one, everyone in the street used to be scared of him, if Shaytan saw him coming Shaytan would go the other way, this Umar, and his wife was louder than him, but again you see the mercy and compassion, despite the fact she was yelling at him he didn’t respond, this was his compassion, his mercy.
Rasool’Allah SAW was so close to his wives that he would tell them the deepest secret that he had.
When they were coming to conquer Mecca, Rasool’Allah SAW had the plan, he did not tell anyone, not even his closest companions like Abu Bakr and Umar and Uthman and Ali, except on person he told, that was Aisha RA, his wife. He told her his secret.
One time Rasool’Allah SAW went to see Fatima and Ali RA, when he arrived, he saw Fatima RA was alone, he asked what happened to Ali and Hasan and Husayn, she said Ali took the children out, because we didn’t have any food in the house and he was afraid that they would cry - and I was working all day – he was afraid that if they would cry they would not let me rest, so he took them out so I could rest.
You see the mercy and compassion that has to come from the husband.
Sometimes husbands will come home and it’s like they bring work home. So all day they are busy, now when they come home it’s time to spend some quality time with your wife, but the brother will be on the phone, cell phone, some have 2 cell phones, one in each ear. The wife is still waiting and the person is still on the phone till 10, 11, 12 at night, no quality time with the wife at all.
And this is the mercy that has to be shown, the mercy to be with the wife, the mercy to talk to the wife, to communicate with the wife, to share ideas and so on.
This is on the brother’s side, the rights that our sisters have upon us, our wives have upon us.
Brother’s Rights
How about on the side of the wife, what is she responsible for?

If you want a happy marriage, sisters, the most important thing is not to complain, not to complain.
And this might sound kind of shocking, but this is one of those things that spoils marriages, it spoils marriages, so not to complain, very important.
Before marriage you’re very nice, you’re actually listening to him, everything he says – “Yes, yes, so beautiful, what you’re saying makes so much sense, it’s wisdom”, it’s you know – “the pearls of wisdom.”
But after marriage, you’re not listening to him, and you’re complaining and you’re saying “Look, I knew you were no good. I knew I would have problems with you. I knew I should have listened to my mother. I should have listened to my friends, I should have never done this, I knew I was getting myself into this problem”, and so on, the complaining starts.
When you complain sisters, you push your husband away, you de-motivate him, you take away, you smother his will when you do that.
See, take a look at Khadija RA. Rasool’Allah SAW would go to the cave, he used to be away weeks and months on end, just remember the situation like if sometimes the husband goes to the masjid and sometimes the wives get upset – they are too long at the masjid – so Rasool’Allah SAW used to go, when he got the revelation he came back. Khadija RA never complained, and he came back and said “Cover me! Cover me!” because he was afraid that something was happening to him. What was Khadija RA’s reaction? You know if one of our sisters was there today, if something like that was to happen, could imagine one of the sisters would probably say “See, didn’t I tell you, didn’t I tell you. You deserved this, see, if you have only listened to me this would have happened”, and if you did this and did that, and “because you did this” – “you didn’t listen to me, you see this is what happened”, and you know the loooong list of all your faults could start and so on. But Khadija RA, what does she do, she says “Kal’la!”, “Never, I swear by Allah”, Allah will not humiliate you – will not put you down – in any way. Because you help out people you are nice to your guests, you keep relations with your relatives, and you help whoever is in need… And she began to mention some good qualities of Muhammad SAW, and she was encouraging him SAW. Allah says in the Qur’an in surah Rum, translation, and among His signs is He has created from among you pairs so that you will find peace in their presence - peace and tranquility.
So the idea is, if your husband comes home, not to complain, not to be negative, not to be pessimistic in any way. This is on the sister’s side.
3 Things Both Have to Share

To Have A Common Goal in Your Life:

What is your goal in life, what do you hope to achieve in life, what do you want to do together?
And of course as Muslims our goal is to serve Allah SWT, to worship Allah SWT and to establish the word of Allah SWT in our lives, and to work haaard for this, in any way possible, to work for this.
One time they did this questionnaire, and they asked the husband to fill it out in terms of priorities who’s is the most important in their life, and they asked the wife to fill out this questionnaire. Each one of them wrote it down on their questionnaire and then they looked at what each one said. They first looked at the husbands answers, who are the most important in your life, the husband said: The first is Allah, the 2nd is she, and the third is me, himself. So they asked the wife to uncover her questionnaire, she said the most important is Allah, the 2nd is me, and the 3rd is he. So they agreed on their goals, as you can see. They agreed that Allah is most important, and then after that is her, and then after that is he.
So again, the point is that there has to be some agreement on the goals, not only for the Hereafter but in this world as well.
Keep the Doors of Fitnah Shut

Don’t allow any fitnah to come into your marriage. One of the prime ways that fitnah – trials and trouble that come into one’s marriage – one of those ways is to share you intimate moments with people outside the family. For the wife to talk to other sisters and the husband to talk to other brothers about how their partners are and so on. That’s one way to bring in trouble in one’s relationship. To keep that door closed totally.
A lot of time those rights of intimacy are not addressed by husbands and wives, they go for months upon end without being intimate with each other, and that’s a door of fitnah.
Umar RA, he actually, when walking through the streets one day, and he saw a woman at night complaining about the fact that her husband was out for so long because he was out, and she was complaining that the husband was away for so long and this is not right, she was just reciting some poetry, and of course indirectly giving the message to Umar that this is not right.
So Umar heard this and came to his daughter Hafsa RA and he asked her “How long can a woman stay away from her husband?”, the longest time, and she said “4 months.” From that month on Umar RA made it a rule for the Muslim army that no man could be out longer than 4 months, within 4 months they had to come back from that day on.
This is to keep the doors of fitnah closed.
A lot of times you find that when it comes to the relationship at home, sometimes husbands take long trips and their wives home all alone, this brings shaytan in many times, and the wives begin to think negative thoughts. So it is important that if you are going for a long trip, take your wife with you.
And at home, this disease of the HBO channels, these satellite stations and HBO channels that come in and so on, not to have those at home, at all, because really this is fitnah that comes in, and it spoils the relationship between a husband and wife.
Relatives, the brother-in-law should never be alone with the wife. The door of this fitnah should be shut.
Not only that, when we are at work, when it comes to brothers at work, sometimes the relationship – especially in a non-Muslim culture these days – you may get close in talking and in the way of behaving with another woman, and this is the door of fitnah that also has to be kept closed. Because Allah SWT has blessed you with a Muslim, with a pious woman, and to give that up for someone who has no clue of Allah, this is something that we would regret on the Day of Judgment.
You know when Rasool’Allah SAW went on Isra and Miraj, he saw some of the different ways that people would be punished in the Hellfire. One of the things he saw was these men and women who were leaving some good meat – there was some good meat and there was some diseased meat – and so they were leaving the good meat and eating from the diseased meat. So Rasool’Allah SAW asked Jibreel AS what does this connote, what does this mean? Jibreel AS told Rasool’Allah SAW this means that there are people who have zawjat as salihaat bin najas, they leave the pious women for something that’s impure - something that’s dirty, something that’s filth.
So again, the point being keep the Doors of Fitnah closed. Lastly:
To Worship Allah SWT Together

Make the salaat tahajjud together, read the Qur’an together, read some Islamic book together, listen to a tape or CD, come to the masjid together, participate in a lecture, do something together Islamic, and you wouldn’t believe how closely that would bring you together.

And the last point tonight, is that when it comes to being sensitive to each other, a lot of times when you think people who are Islamically oriented, if you follow the Qur’an and Sunnah, there’s no room for love and for being sensitive to each other’s feelings, everybody’s rigid and frowning and things are very difficult - nooo it’s not like that at all, subhan’Allah, if we would only read our history and the biographies of the companions you would see tremendous examples. A few and he’ll finish
Rasool’Allah SAW married many women, and most were Arab women from the Arabian peninsula, but there was one lady he married from Egypt, her name was Maaria, from the Christian Copts, Mawqooqas sent her to Rasool’Allah SAW and she embraced Islam.
The women who had grown up in the peninsula, the other wives, they were used to the desert environment, very used to it and not to have trees and not to have greenery about and so on, and all of these wives were living near the masjid right around him SAW. But when this wife came, Maaria, when he married her RA, he asked her to live on the outskirts of Madina, the one wife he asked to live on the outskirts of Madina where there were a lot of date palms and a lot of greenery, where it was very beautiful. Why did he do that? Because of his sensitivity to her needs, he wanted to have her live at the same level as she was used to in Egypt when she was in Egypt.
And sometimes people think that those who are religiously oriented – Islamically oriented - don’t think about these things, and you go to the top here, Rasool’Allah SAW and you see how sensitive he was to his wife’s needs.
Ali RA used to write poetry for Fatima RA.
One time Talha Ibn Ubaydillah, he came in from a hard days work and his wife noticed he was kind of down as if really worried about something and upset and so on, and she said “Is there something I did because of which you are upset?” Look at how they interacted with each other, how they were sensitive to each other’s feelings.
Of course today if something like this would happen, maybe the other partner would say “Ok, when you’re OK then talk to me. Don’t talk to me if you’re mad.” But look at the way she behaved, RA, his wife.
Umar RA, he had married Umm Kulthum, the daughter of Ali RA. Umar passed away on a Tuesday, his wife Umm Kulthum was so sad, it is said in the history books that she was so sad, she could not tolerate that the fact that he had passed away, that she passed away the next day.
The love between the husbands and wives. And he is only giving a drop from ocean.

Last thing, Umm Sulaym, what an amazing thing about how a wife is with her husband. Her husband Talha, was out working, it so happened that day that their son, 10 years old, died. She had a decision to make, when he comes home should she tell him right away, or should she just bear it and make him happy first and then when he is comfortable and settled in, then tell him. She thought to herself that she’s going to take the weight of this tragedy upon herself. And she’s not gonna tell him and she didn’t want him to spend the entire night crying because that would really be hurtful to her, she could not bear the fact that her husband would be crying all night because of their son.
So she said that she’s not gonna tell him that he’s totally comfortable and settled in and once he’s settled in and relaxed then she’ll tell him. So Talha comes in and asks his wife Umm Sulaym about his son, how’s he doing? She said “He’s relaxed”, he’s at peace she said. Talha didn’t think anything of it, thought he probably went to sleep, he’s ok. So he said get up and insha’Allah beautify your self for me. She did that and they spent the entire night together. And after Talha was relaxed and everything she said to him “O Abu Talha, imagine if we had some neighbors, that they had some trust that they had placed with us, should I return the trust to them?” Talha didn’t suspect anything so he said sure, if there’s some trust you should return. So she said “This trust has been with us for 10 years”, look at how smart she is talking, she’s talking about her son. So Abu Talha said, 10 years, that should be returned sooner, that has more of right to be returned immediately, ASAP. She tells him then, “So Allah has now taken back his trust, so seek your reward from Allah SWT by being patient about your son’s death.” Abu Talha was livid, he got very upset, she waited the entire night to tell me, till Fajr. He got super upset. Without saying a word to her he raced to Rasool’Allah SAW at the time of Fajr and complained to him – look this is what my wife did, look at how mean this was and how… Rasool’Allah SAW – after he was finished – Rasool’Allah SAW smiled and said “Is this the one who’s footsteps I hear in Paradise?” – Is this the woman who’s footsteps I hear in Paradise? Meaning that what she had done was the right thing, to please her husband despite the tragedy that had happened. And for that he heard her footsteps in Paradise.

As you can see, we can have happiness in marriage if we observer certain things.
And of course on the brothers side, extreme compassion and mercy
On the sister’s side, not to complain
When it comes to both: have a common goal, close the doors of fitnah – shut them off from your marriage, and three – worship Allah SWT together – choose some activity that you use, that you do together.
And with that may Allah SWT make this union successful…Dua

08-15-2007, 08:42 PM
Assalamu Alaykum,

This is one of the best marriage lectures I have come across. Most are way too basic. Jazakallahu khayrun for posting it.

Wassalamu Alaykum.

08-15-2007, 10:09 PM
May Allah reward you immensely for sharing.....reading these notes almost brought tears to my eyes. ALhumdulillah.
JazakAllah khair

08-16-2007, 09:43 AM
jazakallahu khair