View Full Version : obedience to parents?!!

01-23-2008, 12:30 AM

Does it say in Quran to obey one's parents or just to be kind to them?
IF it is obedience then to what extent?
What are parents rights over children?
What are children's rights over parents?
In what matters parents have a say? And in what matters kids can go against their wishes and wont be sinning?


Ahmed Ibn Hassan
01-23-2008, 07:27 AM
Bismillah, i got this form islamweb, i hope this helps for search. If not then, i hope you benifited alot!

Islam builds a family in which prevails mutual respect and care. Parents and children in Islam are bound together by mutual obligations and reciprocal arrangements. Allaah Says (what means): “…No mother should be harmed through her child, and no father through his child…” [Quran 2: 233]

The Quran has made it compulsory for the child to treat his parents with all goodness and mercy.

Every Muslim must show goodness and mercy to his parents throughout their lives. There is only one exception to this, and that is, if the parents ask their children to associate anything with Allaah and to commit sins, then the children must not obey their parents. In all cases, the children must show love and gratitude to their parents. They must always speak to them gently and respectfully. They must try their best to make them happy, provided they do not disobey Allaah in the process.

Allaah says (what means): “But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with me others of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly…” [Quran 31:15]

Being patient and tolerant with parents:

The children must take great care not to react to what their parents have to say. If they say or do anything which is not liked or approved of by the children, then they must show patience and tolerance instead of giving vent to their anger. The children must scrupulously try to refrain from disobeying their parents since the Prophet regarded this as one of the grave sins.

Supplicating for them:

Far from showing signs of displeasure, the children must pray for them saying, as Allaah teaches us in the verse (which means): "…My Lord and Sustainer! Be kind and have mercy on them as they cherished, nurtured and sustained me in childhood.” [Quran 17: 24]

We must continue praying for them even after they die. Such prayer will be regarded as a continuous charity as the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa salllam, told us.

The greater right of the mother:

The children must be kinder and more grateful to their mothers since they took greater pains in their upbringing. That is why the Prophet emphasized that it is the mother who has the first claim on the child's care and attention.

Once a companion asked the Prophet as to whom he should show more kindness. The Prophet replied: "Your mother." He asked who comes next and the Prophet again replied: "Your mother." He asked the Prophet yet again who comes next. The Prophet replied: “Your mother." When the companion asked for the fourth time, only then did the Prophet reply: "Your father."

Recognizing their great status:

The Muslim should recognize the status of the parent and know his duties towards them. The status of parents in Islam is a status which mankind had not known before. Allaah Has placed the respect for the parents just one step below the belief in Allaah and true worship of Him.

Allaah says (what means): “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” [Quran 17: 23]

The Prophet placed kindness and respect towards parents just after the prayer offered on time as the prayer is the foundation of Islam.

‘Abdullaah Ibn Mas’ood said: “I asked the Prophet which deed is most liked by Allaah? He said: ‘Prayer offered on time.’ I asked him: ‘Then what? He said: ‘Kindness and respect towards parents.’…” [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]

Knowing the duties towards them:

It is also the duty of the child to provide for his parents, if he is able to do so. The Quran sums up the whole matter in a master concept called Ihsaan, which denotes what is right, good and beautiful (i.e. showing to them kindness, compassion, gratitude, reverence and respect, praying for them and supporting them financially if they are in need.)

Concluding, we mention a verse that shows the significance of obedience and gratitude due to parents: Allaah says (what means): “And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.” [Quran 31:14]

01-24-2008, 02:58 PM
Yes i did benefit from it...but I am afraid that this does not answer my following questions:
What are children's rights over parents?
In what matters parents have a say? And in what matters kids can go against their wishes and wont be sinning?
And again...is it OBEDIENCE...or KIND TREATMENT..or BOTH...if both then when to consider what and when to not consider it...??


Rabiah - la Voyageure ©
01-24-2008, 03:24 PM

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents” [al-Ahqaaf 46:15]
“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents” [al-‘Ankaboot 29:8]

As we can see from both the above ayahs (amongst many) is that it's not just being kind to them - but also being dutiful to them.

One of the most important acts of worship that the child is asked to do with regard to his parents is to obey them, to do as they ask and to refrain from what they tell him not to do.

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour." [ al-Isra: 23]
“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents” [al-Isra’ 17:23]

“give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination” [Luqmaan 31:14]

And lastly remember, that there is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience to the Creator.

The ayah that I quoted above from Surah Luqman, the next ayah right after it says:
"But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration), and follow the way of those who turn to me (in love): in the end the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did." [Luqman: 31:15]

The above is the only condition when a child is 'allowed' to disobey them - and even then the disobedience is simply saying 'no' to their command with kindness.
This is from our Creator, subhanAllaah - who created us - and who told us in Qur'aan that the worst sin a person can do is to associate any partners with Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala for which there is no forgiveness! But see how we are commanded to be gentle with our parents even in that situation.

In regards to children's rights over parents, we learned this in our Rules of Engagement class that the rights of children start even before a child is born. And this is by
1) choosing a good mother for them

Then after the child is born -
2) Give them a good name
3) Father's obligation is to give proper tarbiyah to his children before they reach the age of puberty i.e. teaching them the Book and instilling islamic values in them.

Allaahu ta'ala 'Alam.

01-24-2008, 03:25 PM
I really suggest you get the book Kindness to Parents
by Abdul Malik al Qasim

as to Childrens rights upon their Parents

Here is a comprehensive article

The Rights of Children in Islam

By Sheikh Ibn Al-Uthaymeen (rahimahullah)

Let us first establish that children in accordance with the Islamic concept means both male and female. Some Islamic opponents accuse Islam of differentiating between male and female children claiming that Islam prefers boys over girls in terms of inheritance, 'Aqeeqa (slaughter of two lambs upon the birth of a male baby, and one lamb only for a baby girl) and other matters. In accordance with the true Islamic teaching, both male and female are alike in the sight of Allah, the Almighty. Each, however, is physically prepared and equipped to perform certain tasks and duties that are suitable to his/her nature. All, again are equal in religious duties, except for certain exceptions that are defined and illustrated by Allah, the Almighty, in the Glorious Quran, or declared and specified by Allah’s Apostle, PBUH. Only these differences are to be acknowledged and honored and only in accordance with Islam and its teachings.

Children, according to Islam, are entitled to various rights. The first and foremost of these rights is the right to be properly brought up, raised and educated. This means that children should be given suitable, sufficient, sound and adequate religious, ethical and moral guidance to last them for their entire lives. They should be engraved with true values, the meaning of right and wrong, true and false, correct and incorrect, appropriate and inappropriate and so forth and so on. Allah, the Almighty stated in the Glorious Qur’an:

"O ye who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones." (66:6)

Allah’s Apostle, PBUH also said: "Every one of you (people) is a shepherd. And every one is responsible for whatever falls under his responsibility. A man is like a shepherd of his own family, and he is responsible for them." This Hadith is reported by both Bukhari and Muslim.

Children, therefore are a trust given to the parents. Parents will be responsible for this trust on the Day of Judgement. Parents are essentially responsible for the moral, ethical and the basic and essential religious teachings of their children.

If parents fulfill this responsibility, they will be free of the consequences on the Day of Judgement. The children will become better citizens and a pleasure to the eyes of their parents, first in this life, and in the hereafter.

Allah, the Almighty stated in the Glorious Quran:

"And those who believe and whose families follow them in Faith, to them shall We join their families: Nor shall We deprive them (of the fruit) of aught of their works: (Yet) is each individual in pledge for his deeds." (52:21)

Moreover, Allah's Apostle, PBUH said: "Upon death, man's deeds will (definitely) stop except for three deeds, namely: a continuous charitable fund, endowment or goodwill; knowledge left for people to benefit from; and pious righteous and God-fearing child who continuously prays Allah, the Almighty, for the soul of his parents." This Hadith is reported by Muslim.

In fact, such a statement reflects the value of the proper upbringing of children. It has an everlasting effect, even after death.

Unfortunately, many parents from every walk of life, in every society, regardless of creed, origin, social and economical status, etc., have neglected this very important imposed right of their own children on them. Such individuals have indeed lost their children as a result of their own negligence. Such parents are so careless about the time their children spend with no benefit, the friends they associate with, the places they go to, etc. Such parents do not care, are totally indifferent about where their children go, when they come back and so forth and so on, causing the children to grow up without any responsible adult and without caring supervision. Such parents neglect even to instruct, direct or guide their children to the proper way of life, behaviour or even right attitudes towards others. Yet, you may find these parents are so careful about guarding their wealth. They are extremely concerned about their businesses, work and otherwise. They exert every possible effort to lead a very successful life in terms of materialistic gains, although all this wealth is not actually theirs. No one will take wealth to the grave.

Children are not only to be well-fed, well-groomed, properly dressed for the weather and for appearance, well-taken care of in terms of housing and utilities. It is more important to offer the child comparable care in terms of educational, religious training, and spiritual guidance. The heart of a child must be filled with faith. A child’s mind must be entertained with proper guidance, knowledge and wisdom. Clothes, food, housing, schooling are not, by any means, an indication of proper care of the child. Proper education and guidance is far more important to a child than this food, grooming and appearance.

One of the due rights of children upon their parents is their spending for their welfare and well-being moderately. Over-spending or negligence is not condoned, accepted or even tolerated in Islam. Such ways will have a negative effect on the child regardless of the social status. Men are urged not to be miserly to their children and households, who are their natural heirs in every religion and society. Why would one be miserly to those who are going to inherit his wealth? Children are entitled to such an important right. They are even permitted to take moderately from their parent's wealth to sustain themselves if the parent declines to give them proper funds for their living.

Children also have the right to be treated equally in terms of financial gifts. No one should be preferred over the others. All must be treated fairly and equally. None should be deprived his gift from the parents. Depriving, or banning the right of inheritance, or other financial gifts during the lifetime of the parents or the preference of a parent for one child over the other is considered according to Islam as an act of injustice. Injustice will definitely lead to an atmosphere of hatred, anger and dismay amongst the children in a household. In fact, such an act of injustice may, most likely, lead to animosity amongst the children, and consequently, this will affect the entire family environment. In certain cases a special child may show a tender care for his aging parent, for instance, causing the parent to grant such a child a special gift, or issue him the ownership of a house, a factory, a land, a farm, a car, or any other valuable items. Islam, however considers such a financial reward to such a caring, loving and perhaps obedient child, a wrong act. A caring child is entitled only to a reward from Allah, the Almighty. Although it is nice to grant such a child something in appreciation for his dedication and special efforts, this must not lead to an act of disobedience to Allah, the Almighty. It may be that the heart and feelings of such a loving and caring child may change, at one point in time, causing him to become a nasty and harmful child. By the same token, a nasty child may change, at any given time, as well, to become a very caring and kind child to the same parent. The hearts and feelings are, as we all know, in the hands of Allah, the Almighty, and can be turned in any direction at any given time and without any previous notice. This, indeed, is one of the reasons for preventing the act of financial preference of a child over another. On the other hand, there is also no assurance or guarantee that a caring child can handle the financial gift of his parent wisely.

It is narrated by Abu Bakr, RAA, who said that Allah's Apostle, PBUH, was approached by one of his companions, al-N'uman bin Basheer, who said: "O Prophet of Allah! I have granted a servant to one of my children (asking him to testify to that gift)." But Allah's PBUH asked him: "Did you grant the same to each and every child of yours?" When Allah's Apostle, PBUH was informed negatively about that, he said: "Fear Allah, the Almighty, and be fair and just to all your children. Seek the testimony of another person, other than me. I will not testify to an act of injustice." This Hadith is reported by both Bukhari and Muslim. Thus, Allah's Apostle, PBUH called such an act of preference of one child over the others an act of "injustice." Injustice is prohibited and forbidden in Islam.

But, if a parent granted one of his children financial help to fulfill a necessity, such as a medical treatment coverage, the cost of a marriage, the cost of initializing a business, etc., then such a grant would not be categorized an act of injustice and unfairness. Such a gift will fall under the right to spend in the essential needs of the children, which is a requirement that a parent must fulfill. Islam sees that if parents fulfill their duties towards all their children in terms of providing them with necessary training, educational backing, moral, ethical and religious education, this will definitely lead to a more caring child, a better family atmosphere and a better social environment and awareness. On the other hand, any negligence in those parental duties can lead to the loss of a child or ill treatment of the parents at a later age. I really do suggest getting the book..

WAllahu 'Alam

02-01-2008, 12:34 PM
Also there's a book titled 'guidelines for raising children' by dar us salam..My God! Has it been a looong time! How have you been, my dear? :)

02-04-2008, 12:10 PM
as-salamu'alaikum. lol we wouldn't want this thread to get locked up, do we? : p to answer your Q , I'm down w/ fever : ( that and other issues (alhamdulillah'ala kulli haal)...make du'a for me.Walaikum as-salaam,

Hon, I don't care about "rules" that are applied unfairly. NOBODY should.

Anyways, I do hope that you feel better inshaAllah. Take good care of yourself. May Allah restore you to health. Ameen. :)

02-13-2008, 11:02 AM
We must obey our parents unless what they are expecting from us comes against the principles of Islam. Our parents have been through a lot and they did everything just so we could have better lives in this life and the here after as well. They put our needs before their needs in every turn. Walahi ya akhwaati, There is no way that we could ever pay back what our parents did for us and still are doing for us. I will share this hadith that illustrates no amount of what we do for our parents will ever measure up to what they did for us.

A man once asked the prophet csw , O Messenger of Allah, my mother reached old age and I serve her. Did I pay back her right?

The Messenger peace be upon him said: Whatever good deeds you do to her, you will never pay back her right. The man again said: How is this O Messenger of Allah? He said for she used to serve you as a little one and she used to wish you long life, as for you, you serve her as an old, woman and you wish her death

Basically, when someone serves their mother or parents in old age , they do it as an obligation, not because they love to do it. Where our parents were excited and eager to take care of us at such a young age. Alhamdu lilah, my parents are still young and in their 40s, but I have grandparents who are living with us, and I help out at times. Just think of all the ajar you are getting from helping someone who is not in a position to meet their needs. Do it for Allah’s sake and remember what comes around goes around. If you leave your grandparents or parents who are in need, the same or worst could happen to you when you become a senior.

Allah swt says: "And your Lord decreed that you worship none but Him, and enjoins kindness to parents. When either or both of them attain with you old age express not a breath of resentment to them and never repulse them, but say good speech to them. (17:23)

Allah swt keeps reminding us in the Koran the rights our parents have over us. I hope we never ever second guess or take it lightly.

May Allah make us those who worship Allah swt and show kindness to our parents.

I hope this reaches you in the best iiman and health.

All that I wrote above is based on my limited knowledge, and surely Allah knows best.