View Full Version : Marriage, to who?
04-29-2008, 01:22 PM
Marriage, to who?
On the Authority of Abu Huraira (may Allaah be pleased with him) -
The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her commitment to religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper)!”
[Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:]
This hadith can be referred to males aswell as females.
But it's true though init? A person usually gets married to someone either because of their:
1) Wealth - who doesn't want to start off marriage without some money? You gota buy each other presents right? erm.. you also gota look after each other (and maybe some babies?) for the rest of your life.
2) Lineage - this one isn't too common in the west today, but back home its still quite important. They want you to get married to a respectful or 'high class' family so you have protection and respect.
That way people don't start a fight with your family for no reason - otherwise the police will get involved (since your inlaws have contact with the government.) Trust me, i'm not making this up.
3) Beauty - Everyones beautiful in their own way, you might not think someones good looking, but someone else will love that exact same thing you might not find beautiful. Everyone has their own favourite flavour.
4) Religion - This is the key to - Success -
How much times has someone been married to another because of their wealth only? Have you ever seen people do this? On the news just a few weeks back, there was a model who got married to a really old, but rich man. She probably thought she could keep his wealth after he died, but subhaan Allaah it's so shocking because she was probably only in her late 20's, but she actually died before she even spent that money.
Could she really imagine that could happen? She probably thought she had her whole life infront of her, waiting for the man to die.. yet she fell unconscious, and she never woke up after that day again. Until the Day of Ressurection, obviously. We seek refuge in Allaah from the trials and tribulations of that day.
People in the past did it quite alot, especially because they never had any guidance or love/fear/hope of Allaah. So some would take advantage of others, especially the weak and poor.
One of the best forms of protection was to get married into another tribe or family which would have strength, power and nobility. Obviously they would probably only accept you if you were of benefit to them aswell, so the high class would marry in the high class, and the low with the low.
When Allaah's Messengers' came, people married each other for piety and character since they knew that this leads to success. Those were the good times, but guess what? We live at a time when people want to follow the ways of the people of old again.
Nah, i won't talk about this one.. or maybe i should?
There's not much to say really, well.. people do say that looks fade out as time passes by, but you still want someone beautiful right? Someone that makes you feel all hyper inside, and then you can hug them tight and say "you're all mine!" then you can laugh.. and praise Allaah.
Some people take looks too seriosly and might get mesmorized by someones looks to the extent where they think they've fallen in love with them, just by staring at them.. think of it this way, have you ever seen some food which looked soo kool that you wanted to buy it, but when you ate it - it wasn't as tasty as you expected it? You quickly got over it right, and preferred something else?
So looks by itself shouldn't really be something which you only concern yourself with, since beauty doesn't settle in the heart, its the good that comes with it that really sinks in. The good looking food with good taste is what you're after.
Obviously religion is a big issue, especially when it comes to; lifestyle, having children - how they're brought up etc. What is good/bad. If the person is aware that Allaah is watching their every single action etc.
So in reality - religion is really important. Obviously it's extremely good if a muslim marries a muslim, since it helps the children have a good upbringing without seeing major differences in their parents beliefs.
Also, know that a muslim man can get married to a Muslim woman, Christian woman, or Jewish woman. It's preferred to get married to a Muslim woman though.
However a muslim woman can only get married to a muslim man. There is no other choice for her. Maybe this can be explained some other time, Allaah knows best. But after reading this, i wonder why you wouldn't want to get married to a practising muslim brother?
How is the Religious spouse a key to - Success? -
When you get married to someone who's practising Islaam properly, then you'll see that it is one of the greatest blessings you can have.
Think about it, what other culture or religion orders the man to be good to his wife? Seriosly, think about it. If a guy acts kind to his wife - his friends think he's being too 'soft' - so what does the guy do? He acts abit harsh in order to please his friends, but guess what happens? He displeases his wife in return.
What did Allaah say?
Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity, If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.(Qur'an 4:19)
The Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said?
"The best among you is the one who is best to his wife" (Related by Ibn Hibban) in another version it is the one who is most kind to his wife.
This was at a time when guys took their wives as toys, kind of like nowadays right? Where a guy can 'drop' his girl whenever he wants, and take her back whenever he has the desire for her again. What can the girl do when she's going through such an emotional time, especially when her family might not even accept her again?
All these acts are things which Islaam called against, yet us people who call ourselves muslims are following the exact footsteps of those who disbelieved before us. And due to that - we're going against what the Messenger of Allaah called us to. Why? Because we don't even know our own religion, yet we call ourselves muslims?
Islaam is a mercy for mankind, it isn't to make life any harder. Maybe to make life harder for those who like to do evil, but Islaam has rules so we follow them - why? So people don't oppress each other. And to make life easier for those who might feel weak and helpless.
The one who has fear of Allaah - fears to harm others, yet they have love for Allaah so they are too shy to harm His creation, and they hope for reward from Allaah for their patience when they may become angry.
The Prophet (peace also said: "If any man shows patience with his wife's bad temper, Allah will give him a reward similar to the reward of Ayyub (Job) for his patience, and if any woman shows patience with her husband's bad temper, Allah will give her a reward similar to the reward of Asiyah daughter of Muzahim, the wife of Pharoah (Cf. Qur'an 66:11)."
Is there any culture in the world, or even any religion which has such concepts today? You're either rewarded for your patience, or you live a happy life - in this one and the next. Isn't that what everyone wants in a marriage?
So who should i be looking for ?
Alot of people by looking at the saying of the Prophet (peace be upon him) think that you can only get married to a religious person. Even if their wealth, lineage, and beauty isn't according to what you require.
Whenever you're looking for that special person, you have to keep their Islaam as your main principle. Is the person a good Muslim? Have they got a good character? Yes?
Okay - next, have they got enough wealth to support me and a future family? If the guy is poor and the wife is from a rich family - she might get impatient with him. So sometimes social status is important to take into consideration. They don't have to be a billionaire, but they might need to live upto your normal standards. Otherwise you might become impatient.
Some people think that knowing the lineage is part of the times of ignorance, and you shouldn't care about their lineage. But that isn't true - For example there might be a woman who is from a family of scholars, and her husband may be a guy who isn't really that knowledgable - even though he may be pious. Now obviously there's nothing wrong with them getting married, but it's important to know that this can be a disadvantage to the guy since he will face alot of pressure from the scholarly family.
So sometimes lineage can be important too, but its better to get married to a family who has a lineage of good history. If they don't have a good history and they're known for their strength/power to abuse others - then its better to stay away, since you can get dragged into it all.
Is he/she good looking? Incase of marriage, looking at ones potential spouse is allowed. Would you be happy to see this persons face everyday when you wake up?
I read a true story of a brother who got married to a really pious Muslimah, he said that they had a really simple wedding and he was really pleased. However, he said that she wasn't really beautiful. May Allaah bless them in this life and the next, but when i read that i thought to myself - how would the wife feel if she heard her husband say that?
I also thought to myself, what if there was a day when there emaan (faith) became weak, and they became abit impatient with each other? Would the brother think twice before divorcing her? You see that if you find something beautiful, you don't want to give it up since you find it precious, and you don't want no-one else to have it. So find someone who you will be pleased with, otherwise you might regret it later on.
Do you see how everything fits in? Their Islaam comes first which moulds their personality for the best, and then along with that you should see things according to your social situation.
That way, even if you ever slip and become weak in emaan (faith) - you'll still have a spouse who you love, who can help you back on your feet again, while you stare at their beautiful face, knowing that they're your close friend.. then you can hug them tight and say "you're all mine!" then you can laugh.. and praise Allaah for all the good He's given you in this life, and inshaa Allaah (God willing)... something even better in the the one to come! Ameen.
04-29-2008, 01:36 PM
What Girls like, and what Guys Like?
In this part we'll discuss what kind of things a person desires in a spouse. You can agree or disagree, we all have our own tastes. But you need to apply it upon yourself before it has an effect on others, and if you do it for the sake of Allaah - then you will even be rewarded for your sincerety and efforts, inshaa Allaah.
If you read the chapter which mentioned the story of Prophet Yusuf, you'll see that there was one aspect about Prophet Yusuf which made the women desire him even more. Can you guess what it is? No, its not just the beauty.
It was his modesty, his shyness (known as hayaa' in arabic.) There's not really a good translation for it in the english language, but it means to feel embarrassed to do an immoral act. When she beautified herself and called him towards herself, he knew that it was something which Allaah had forbidden, so he never did the act - even though his desires are just as human as ours.
Later on when she called her friends over (maybe the most beautiful women in Egypt at that time) - she said that she would force him to commit that act with her, and if he never agreed - then she would place him in jail. (Ask any guy, and he'll tell you that this has to be one of the most hardest situations to be in.) But guess what? He preferred prison over what they were calling him to, which showed his sincerety in Allaah.
This probably leads to the next concept:
Sincerety & Commitment..
Someone who is sincere and commited is an attribute alot of people like in a partner. Someone who doesn't waiver all the time, changing their mind. It's not that changing the mind is a bad thing, but if there are two options and both will have an equal effect, then it's better to stay firm on your word If you always waiver and change your mind, it makes the others doubt you on your decisions.
..and then placing your trust in Allaah.
When the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) heard that the Quraysh was coming to attack the Muslims in Medinah - he asked his companions what they wanted to do. Do they want to fight within Medina so the children and women can throw stones at the enemy aswell? Or do they want to fight outside Medina? The youth wanted to fight outside Medina.
So the Messenger of Allaah went home and put on his armour, then he came out and some of the older companions had disagreed with the youth. They felt that fighting within Medina would be better since that was the earlier decision of Allaah's Messenger.
They said: "O Messenger of Allâh, we should have not disagreed with you. So, you are free to do what you desire. If you prefer to stay inside Madinah we will stay with you."
Upon this the Messenger of Allâh remarked: "It does not become a Prophet that once he had put on Armour, he should take it off, until Allâh has decided between him and the enemy."
From that example - we see that Allaah's Messenger:
1) Discussed with his companions what they wanted.
2) He was commited & sincere in what he was doing.
3) He realised that fighting within Medina or outside Medina wouldn't really make a big difference in the outcome of the battle, so he stuck to the opinion of his companions once he had worn his armour.
Then he (peace be upon him) placed his trust in Allaah; because after we do all we have control over in life - then we pray to Allaah, and remain patient so He may make us of the successful. Ameen.
[u] Someone who has mercy for others.
Allaah says about His beloved Messenger (peace be upon him):
(And by the mercy of Allah, you dealt with them gently) [3:159]. meaning, who would have made you this kind, if it was not Allah's mercy for you and them. A famous scholar of Qur'an - Qatadah said that,
(And by the mercy of Allah, you dealt with them gently) means, "With Allah's mercy you became this kind.'' Al-Hasan Al-Basri said that this, indeed, is the description of the behavior that Allah sent Muhammad with. This Ayah is similar to Allah's statement,
(Verily, there has come unto you a Messenger from among yourselves. It grieves him that you should receive any injury or difficulty. He is anxious over you (to be rightly guided, to repent to Allah); for the believers (he is) full of pity, kind, and merciful) [9:128]. Allah said next,
(And had you been severe and harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about youhttp://idawah.com/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif
The severe person is he who utters harsh words, and,
harsh-hearted) is the person whose heart is hard. Had this been the Prophet's behavior, "They would have scattered from around you. However, Allah gathered them and made you kind and soft with them, so that their hearts congregate around you.'' `Abdullah bin `Amr said that he read the description of the Messenger of Allah in previous Books, "He is not severe, harsh, obscene in the marketplace or dealing evil for evil. Rather, he forgives and pardons.''
We also know a saying of the Prophet (peace be upon him) who said:
"Those who have no mercy on other human beings, will not receive the mercy of Allah." (Sahih Al Bukhari)
And he also said:
Those who have mercy will receive the mercy of the Most Merciful. Have mercy on those who are on earth, the One in heavens will have mercy on you." (Recorded in Al-Tirmidhi).
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Be kind, for whenever kindness becomes part of something, it beautifies it. Whenever it is taken from something, it leaves it tarnished." He also said: "Make things simple and do not complicate them. Calm people and do not drive them away." - Imam Bukhari's Book of Muslim Morals and Manners
The Best Example
We know that Allaah's Messenger is the best example to follow, since Allaah says in the Qur'an:
Ye have indeed in the Messenger of Allah a beautiful pattern (of conduct) for any one whose hope is in Allah and the Final Day, and who engages much in the Praise of Allah. [Qur'an Al-Ahzaab 33:21]
We also know that he told us many things which would benefit us, like being;
- Helping those in need.
- Having: Love/Hope/Fear of Allaah.
Hadith - Bukhari's Book of Manners #286 and Ahmad
Abu Huraira (may Allaah be pleased with him), said, "I heard Abu al Qasim (the Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi waSalam), say, 'The best among you in Islam are those with the best manners, so long as they develop a sense of understanding.' "
Pray to Allaah that He allows us to follow the example of his beloved Messenger (peace be upon him) in the treatment of others, aswell as our partners.
What you after?
If you were to ask a female on what kind of partner she wanted, she would probably give you a big list. Here's some things which are likely to be included;
erm.. okay i think you get the flow now.
Males also look for similar characteristics, but they might have things in a different order. Maybe 'good looks' would be placed more nearer the top etc.
Getting married is something which needs alot of commitment, so the person getting married needs to have that as their intention. If they don't - then they might just be doing it to get the persons money, or just to fulfill their desire and then divorce the person later. If someone does this - then in reality they're just throwing themselves into trouble since Allaah will judge us all on our actions and intentions on the Day of Resurrection. May Allaah ease our reckoning and forgive us.
Guys' usually find looks really important, whereas females put personality higher in the list - especially when it comes to a relationship which you're commited to. Again, i might be wrong because everyone differs.
You should have a relaxed personality, and if your partner annoys you - control yourself. The only time the Messenger of Allaah would get angry is if the person transgressed against a commandment of Allaah, he never got revenge off someone who harmed him personally. He would only be pleased for the sake of Allaah, and he would only be displeased if it was for the sake of Allaah. And if someone did something which he personally wasn't pleased with - he would remain quiet.
So if your partner makes a mistake, give them an excuse. But if they go against a commandment of Allaah - then use your wisdom and teach them in a way which will cause the least harm, but the most benefit. That's what you would want for yourself right?
We all want to have a fun time every now and then. Being excessive in it isn't always the best thing to do, but permissible ways of fun is encouraged in Islaam.
The Prophet (Peace be upon him) always kept his smile with his wives and he used to laugh and please them to make them laugh as well. With all the troubles around him, he used to take his wife Aisha, to the desert and say, “Aisha, lets race!” And she used to race him and win. So, he kept on feeding her meat for a whole week, so she would unassumingly gain weight, until he took her again to the desert and said, “Aisha, let’s race!” At that time, he won and said to her, “This time I won!”.
(Recorded in Ahmad & Abu Dawood)
We also know that the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said:
Everything other than remembering Allah is (considered) wasteful play except four: a man humoring his wife, a man training his horse, a man walking between targets (learning archery), and man learning swimming,"
[Narrated by An-Nasaa'i and authenticated by Al-Albaani (Sahih Al-Jami' 4534]
It's cool to have a companion who helps you get a smile on your face, and its boring to not be fun. So be a fun person! It can actually be a form of worship! *now smile!*
Theres different types of jealousy in Islaam, some are bad, but there are also good ones.
The one thats bad is when you become suspicious on your spouse - even if they're not guilty of nothing. To follow them wherever they go and to give them no freedom is negative also. This type of jealousy is looked down upon.
The good type of jealousy in Islaam is where a person feels jealous if someone else stares at their partner. An example of this can be where a stranger guy might say something immoral to his wife, and the husband becomes defensive over her. Now alot of guy's don't know this - but no matter how much you think you're giving your wife the 'freedom' - females actually love it when you be their hero. So in this situation, the woman would be happy for you to come at her defense. That makes her feel proud that she's yours, whereas if you simply allowed others to do it - she would question how much you really care about her.
Some men however go to the extent where they might blame the wife for something which she never even had the intention of doing, accusing her, claiming that she had a bad intention, yet its only Allaah who truely knows what is in our hearts and minds! So don't rush to judge on suspicion, since suspicion is one of the worst and greatest forms of falsehood.
Allah’s Messenger said, “Allah will cover up on the Day of Judgement the defect (faults) of the one who covers up the faults of the others in this world.” (Sahih Muslim)
Everyone wants to have a friend who's easy going, someone who you can talk to without feeling as if you're being placed under pressure. Someone who you know will keep your secrets, someone you can trust.
This was the way of the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him.) That's why his wives were so talkative with him.
There's loads of different things we can discuss in regard to this topic, but i think the best way to finish this chapter is with this hadith (you can apply it on yourself aswell as your spouse and friends/relatives etc.)
The Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said:
"Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the greatest falsehood. Do not try to find fault with each other, do not spy on one another, do not vie with one another, do not envy one another, do not be angry with one another, do not turn away from one another, and be servants of Allah, brothers to one another, as you have been enjoined. A Muslim is the brother of a muslim, he does him no wrong, nor does he let him down, nor does he despise him. Fear of God is here, fear of God is here, and he pointed to his chest. It is evil enough that a Muslim should look down on his brother. For every muslim is sacred to one another : his blood, his honour, and his property. Allah does not look at your bodies or your forms, or your deeds, but He looks at your hearts".
[Recorded in Bukhari, Muslim]
And Allaah is the source of Strength, so if you ever run out of energy.. ask Him to give you all that you need, and He will give it you so long as you keep your trust in Him.. you'll never know unless you try right?
04-29-2008, 01:47 PM
There's many obstacles people face when wanting to get married, or even once you're married. Let's discuss some inshaa Allaah:
Does a person's age matter? It depends on you, but in reality it doesn't really. If you prefer someone around your age, then that's fair enough. But even if it's someone who's older or younger, so long as you're both prepared to be commited and make some changes in life - then there's nothing wrong with that either.
Some people think that you can only have fun while you're young, but that isn't totally true.
Maybe your hormones are at a really high level then, but that can be an advantage & a
disadvantage; if you do something fun - they might be extremely hyper, but making them sad has an equally opposite effect.
That's why some people fall in love when they're older, they've calmed down abit now and they can use their experience to know that they shouldn't fall into similar mistakes. But some people actually are commited from a young age and the trials they face in life actually help them become stronger together. Again, it depends on what you're comfortable with.
Similarities & Differences
I like the color blue.
Wow! me too!
If you have similarities, you can agree on something together. If you have differences, you should still agree. But sometimes it can get abit too repetitive;
I like food.
You just want to show that you truelly love them, so you love what they love. But the reality is that, well.. it gets quite boring after abit.
So what you have to do is show your true self; bricks can't do nothing if they sit together - they'll just fall after a slight push. If you use the bricks and support them with cement, they'll become firm together. At the beginning they might seem abit uneasy, but this strengthens the wall to the extent that even if a strong wind comes to try to separate them - they'll still be united.
Your lover will love you for who you are, not what you're trying to be. So be yourself, so long as this doesn't lead to things which go past the boundaries set by Allaah and His Messenger (peace be upon him.) Since our bodies hate sin anyway, its harmful for us - in this life and the next.
Sometimes a person wants to get attention off their partner, maybe because they feel down, or maybe because they just miss the old times. So guess what they do? They become sad and moody.
Asalaamu 'alykum, i'm back home.
erm.. is everything okay?
They actually think they've done something wrong, and might feel guilty. So what do they try to do?
What's wrong dear?
...... *silence* ..........
Now depending on what kind of relationship you have, the outcome will be different. Either they will try their best to get your attention so you become pleased with them again (even though they don't know why?) Or they'll simply ignore it and wait till you get over it.
So what's the best thing to really do in this kind of situation?
Answer: It's to tell them how you really feel, and how you want things to be. If you close the door to communication - then that's just going to make things worse, and it might even cause impatience & unneccessary guilt and suspicion among each other.
Yep, sins break up a marriage apart quite alot. There have been many situations where a husband and wife got married the true Islamic way, they had a blessed marriage.
But one day a couple started to buy shares, it gradually lead to them paying interest/usury, they became depressed and had to give their property away gradually because they never had enough money. They ended up divorcing in the end.
The earlier scholars even stated when they did sins, there riding animals became rebellious against them. It's quite common, once you start going against the commandments of the Creator, the creation goes against you also. But if you draw yourself closer to the Creator, then the creation loves you more out of His Mercy. So avoid sins, and inshaa Allaah you're relationship will become more secure inshaa Allaah.
There was a situation of a man who once went to the market, and he saw a woman there. He went towards her and touched her with his hands. When he went back home his wife told him that there was a man who had also touched her that same day. He said subhaan Allaah, i'm so glad that i never did anything more to that woman - otherwise that man would have done more to my wife.
Where did the Money Go?
This one's specifically for the brothers. When you get married, get a job so you can support your wifey. And once you get the money - use it wisely. Some people might be too extravagant, while others might not spend enough to support the house. You need to hit the middle.
Sometimes the woman wants to spend some money, but she feels guilty to get it from the husband. Try making life easier for her - give her some spending money. It's much more better for her to spend her own money instead of always feeling guilty for getting yours.
Holding onto.. nothing now.
When two people fall in love, they can't get enough of each other. They just want to continue talking to the other, staring at each other, they want to be in each others presence, always.
Some lose each other, while some actually get to remain with their partner and be together. They can stare at each other as much as possible now, they can do whatever Allaah has permitted for them. But as time passes by.. you get used to it.
What they were wishing for so long ago gradually dies out. When they used to dress up for each other, the conversations they had.. it's become a common routine. So wearing unclean clothes doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, whereas at the beginning of the marriage you were well embarrassed if that happened.
People take marriage for granted, they become so used to their spouse that they actually don't show their love. But if this person was to go away for a few days, they would miss them. So how can you get that spark again, that you once used to have?
1) Communication: Tell each other how you feel, talk things over and support each other through the good and the bad.
2) Do new activities: Go different places together, so long as its not anywhere which is forbidden by Allaah or His Messenger. This way you both have something new to discuss and think about instead of just thinking about the common lifestyle at home.
3) Separate yourselves for a little while: Sometimes people need space, so maybe you could do Islamic activities with your friends. And so could your spouse. At the end of the day you could come back home and discuss what you did. That little time of absence makes you pleased with meeting them once again.
We know that the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) went through alot in his life, so many good and hard times yet he remained patient. He never took it out on his wife like some people might do. Infact he would listen to the stories his wife, Aa'isha (may Allaah be pleased with her) used to narrate to him. And he was the Messenger of Allaah - the one who came for all of mankind, so why shouldn't we spend enough time with our families?
Time is something which alot of people are in need of, some spend too much of it at work. Others spend it too much with their friends. But theres the other extreme where someone has too much time, and they just waste it.
But one needs to give some to their spouse. They might work all day, come home late, and their wife is already a sleep and so are the children. Now why does a person work? To support their family right? You should work to live, not live to work. So you need to give time to family, otherwise the children won't even accept you and they'll take someone else as a role model. Just for beneficial purposes; this usually starts when the child is 4 and older. And Allaah knows best. So bring them up Islamically, if you don't - who will? The TV?
Be prepared to change yourself..for the better.
These are only some of the obstacles that come in some peoples lives when they get married. Just remember that you have to be prepared to mould yourself in a way to fit in with your spouse, and so does your spouse. If no-one sacrifices, then are they truely willing to commit themselves to this relationship? If the answer is yes - then sacrifice shows & proves ones commitment, and when someone is commited for the intention to please Allaah, He will not let their patience & reward go to waste. Rather, He will bring through it a great deal of good.
Remember that success only comes from Allaah - so ask Him for it. The best example is Allaah's Messenger, Muhammad (peace be upon him), and his honorable family (may Allaah be pleased with them.) So read his lifestory, since he was a shepherd, businessman, commander, teacher, leader, husband, father, imaam and much much more. His wives were great woman, and an example for our sisters. May Allaah grant us good in this life, the next, and May He save us from the punishment of the fire. Ameen.
04-29-2008, 01:56 PM
Some tips for Guys.
Heres some tips for guys in a relationship:
- Look Good. Females like to have a man to support them, they feel proud of having a guy who's arms they can hide in, and they like to have something which is precious.
So you should make yourself look good for her, otherwise she's probably not going to care, and then you'll be the one to blame if she doesn't come to you.
- Understanding/Reassuring. You can be muscular, but that isn't enough. You need to have a good personality aswell to make her pleased with you.
If we look at Allaah's Messenger (peace be upon him) - he was a built man, medium height, handsome, but guess what? He had the best manners aswell. So if his wives cried, he wouldn't tell them to shut up, infact he would be patient with them and reassure them.
Once during a journey, Safiyyah - the wife of Allaah's Messenger (may Allaah be pleased with her) was crying because she had be made to ride a slow camel. The Prophet (peace be upon him) didn't tell her she was being unreasonable. Instead, he wiped her tears, comforted her, and even tried to find her another camel for her.
Would you do similar in that situation?
This involves many things, like giving gifts to the wife every now and then. The best gifts are those which come from the heart (lol you're probably thinking yeah right!) but its true.. atleast if you love each other anyway. Because you can explain to each other why you chose that specific gift, and their pleased since they know that you thought about them deeply when you chose it.
It's also good to give it as a surprise, since that makes it more exciting.
Remember her likes and dislikes, that way she knows that you care and think about her alot. This is part of the love and respect for her.
It also involves taking into consideration on what she says, because if you care about what she says - then you can make a joint decision together and feel appreciated and more unified. You should keep an open mind and accept each others ideas, and if you disagree on some things - come upon a unified decision on things that you do agree on. Otherwise arguments just lead to a breakup and hatred/jealousy for each other, which breaks up a marriage.
The proof for this is:
The Prophet said: 'Consult with women. Indeed, you have some rights over your women and they have some rights over you. It is their right on you that you provide for their food and clothing generously, and your right on them is that they do not let anyone whom you dislike in the house, walking upon your floor. (Sunan Ibn Mâjah, Sunan At-Tirmidhî)
Remember marriage requires patience and sacrifice like its been mentioned many many times before.
Opening the Car door?
You think this is something new? Let's see what Allaah's Messenger did:
Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the camel)." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]
So kool init! Now all you have to do is follow the Prophetic example.
I think opening a car door is easier anyway.
Don't be harsh.
If you've got the good characteristics, then don't spoil them by being harsh and becoming angry to the extent where you start beating your wife.
`Âishah said: “Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) never once struck a servant of his nor a woman, nor did he strike anyone with his hand.” [Sahîh Muslim (2328), Sunan Abî Dâwűd (4786), Sunan Ibn Mâjah (1984), as quoted from Sunan Ibn Mâjah]
I was discussing with a brother a little while ago, and we were saying that; your partner is like a diamond. You might have strong security around it, so others can't harm it - but when you lookafter it, you treat it with care. Otherwise you'll disfigure it, and that will be harmful for you aswell as the diamond.
Should guys really do household chores?
Hadith - Mishkat, Narrated Aisha [Transmitted by Tirmidhi]
Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) used to patch his sandals, sew his garment and conduct himself at home as anyone of you does in his house. He was a human being, searching his garment for lice, milking his sheep, and doing his own chores.
Hadith - Sahih al-Bukhari 8.65, Narrated Al Aswad
I asked 'Aisha what did the Prophet (peace be upon him) use to do at home. She replied, "He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer."
There's a really long narration found in Sahih Al Bukhari, i can't quote all of it since it's quite long, but it's narrated on the authority of Aa'isha (may Allaah be pleased with her.)
She was narrating it to her beloved husband, Allaah's Messenger when she narrated the story to him. He sat there patiently, waiting for her to finish.
She says: Eleven women sat (at a place) and promised and contracted that they would not conceal anything of the news of their husbands.
- stop -
Okay, so she's telling that there were eleven women sitting together who would tell each other about their husbands. Most of them said that their husband doesn't even have time for them. One said that if she mentioned the bad things about her husband - he would divorce her.
Anyway, i think i'll just quote the hadith here:
Sahih Al Bukhari [the Book on Wedlock / Nikah] -
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 117:
(http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/062.sbt.html) Narrated 'Aisha:
Eleven women sat (at a place) and promised and contracted that they would not conceal anything of the news of their husbands. The first one said, "My husband is like the meat of a lean weak camel which is kept on the top of a mountain which is neither easy to climb, nor is the meat fat, so that one might put up with the trouble of fetching it." The second one said, "I shall not relate my husband's news, for I fear that I may not be able to finish his story, for if I describe him, I will mention all his defects and bad traits." The third one said, "My husband is a tall man; if I describe him (and he hears of that) he will divorce me, and if I keep quiet, he will neither divorce me nor treat me as a wife." The fourth one said, "My husband is a moderate person like the night of Tihama which is neither hot nor cold. I am neither afraid of him, nor am I discontented with him." The fifth one said, "My husband, when entering (the house) is a leopard, and when going out, is a lion. He does not ask about whatever is in the house." The sixth one said, "If my husband eats. he eats too much (leaving the dishes empty), and if he drinks he leaves nothing, and if he sleeps he sleeps alone (away from me) covered in garments and does not stretch his hands here and there so as to know how I fare (get along)." The seventh one said, "My husband is a wrong-doer or weak and foolish. All the defects are present in him. He may injure your head or your body or may do both." The eighth one said, "My husband is soft to touch like a rabbit and smells like a Zarnab (a kind of good smelling grass)." The ninth one said, "My husband is a tall generous man wearing a long strap for carrying his sword. His ashes are abundant and his house is near to the people who would easily consult him." The tenth one said, "My husband is Malik, and what is Malik? Malik is greater than whatever I say about him. (He is beyond and above all praises which can come to my mind). Most of his camels are kept at home (ready to be slaughtered for the guests) and only a few are taken to the pastures. When the camels hear the sound of the lute (or the tambourine) they realize that they are going to be slaughtered for the guests."
The eleventh one said, "My husband is Abu Zar and what is Abu Zar (i.e., what should I say about him)? He has given me many ornaments and my ears are heavily loaded with them and my arms have become fat (i.e., I have become fat). And he has pleased me, and I have become so happy that I feel proud of myself. He found me with my family who were mere owners of sheep and living in poverty, and brought me to a respected family having horses and camels and threshing and purifying grain . Whatever I say, he does not rebuke or insult me. When I sleep, I sleep till late in the morning, and when I drink water (or milk), I drink my fill. The mother of Abu Zar and what may one say in praise of the mother of Abu Zar? Her saddle bags were always full of provision and her house was spacious. As for the son of Abu Zar, what may one say of the son of Abu Zar? His bed is as narrow as an unsheathed sword and an arm of a kid (of four months) satisfies his hunger. As for the daughter of Abu Zar, she is obedient to her father and to her mother. She has a fat well-built body and that arouses the jealousy of her husband's other wife. As for the (maid) slave girl of Abu Zar, what may one say of the (maid) slavegirl of Abu Zar? She does not uncover our secrets but keeps them, and does not waste our provisions and does not leave the rubbish scattered everywhere in our house." The eleventh lady added, "One day it so happened that Abu Zar went out at the time when the milk was being milked from the animals, and he saw a woman who had two sons like two leopards playing with her two breasts. (On seeing her) he divorced me and married her. Thereafter I married a noble man who used to ride a fast tireless horse and keep a spear in his hand. He gave me many things, and also a pair of every kind of livestock and said, 'Eat (of this), O Um Zar, and give provision to your relatives." She added, "Yet, all those things which my second husband gave me could not fill the smallest utensil of Abu Zar's."
'Aisha then said: Allah's Apostle said to me, "I am to you as Abu Zar was to his wife Um Zar."
If you see the etiquette of Allaah's Messenger, you see that he patiently listened to the whole story without saying anything until Aa'isha finished the.
Yet he was the Messenger of God for the whole of humanity, so if anyones doing anything for the sake of Islaam, then know that even the Prophet of Allaah - the greatest man to ever live spent time with his wives. We should take an example from that.
Do you also see how after listening to what she said, he ended it off in a Romantic way? Showing interest to what she said, and then linking it back to her to make her feel cared for, and understood.
That's exactly the way you want to follow. And please Don't fall asleep.
Devotion: Make her feel that you truely do care for her, so if you have your TV on, shut it off or atleast mute it in order to talk to her. She feels happy and cared for since you're prepared to listen to her and accept her ideas.
Also look at her when you talk, don't stare at the TV while nodding to what she says.. because she really wants your attention, so give it her and she will give it you back when you need it.
I Love you too..
Don't be afraid to tell her you love her, Allaah's Messenger wouldn't be afraid to, so why should you? Tell her you love her everyday, and mean it. Women want that, because they feel reassured that you still do love them, and that you havn't moved on.
Next part will be on women inshaa Allaah... coming soon.
04-29-2008, 02:04 PM
Some tips for Females.
Heres some tips for females in a relationship:
Beautify yourself for your husband:
This is the same advice given to the brothers. Everyone wants to have a person they can look at without feeling regret on the decision that they made. And if you want your guy to like you, you have to attract his attention.
Remember that this shouldn't just be kept up at the beginning of the marriage, but it should be kept constant throughout it.
Ask him what he likes, tell him what you like - if you take into consideration the other persons tastes, it will make them happy since they will feel appreciated and accepted.
There's a type of beauty which alot of people don't recognise; yeah - there is the makeup and all that, but theres one which we don't usually remember.
It's reported authentically from Bukhari & Muslim - On the authority of Abdullah Ibn `Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
"Verily, some eloquence (can be so beautiful); it constitutes sorcery.
There's some eloquence in talking which is soo beautiful that it has a similar effect to magic on people. Remember that you can talk to your spouse in a way which will attract them, but just don't do it in public because you might get unwanted attention.
You could call them by a personal nickname you choose for them, we know that the God's Messenger would call his wife Aa'isha by the nickname 'Aa'ish' just to joke with her. Don't call them something they dislike though, because that will just make the relationship go bad.
Maybe you could bewitch your spouse now eh? (not in the forbidden (literal) way obviously.)
Show Trust: Imagine your husbands been working on fixing the kitchen sink all day - he's nearly fixed it! When suddenly you walk upto him and say: "Maybe you should call a plumber..?"
You might have good intentions, but this will make him feel devastated, as if you don't trust him enough. He's been working hard all day, and in his eyes - it seems as if he's not trusted to do what's best for the family. As if he's weak and you feel that someone else should do his job for you.
Just trust him enough and if he really wants to call the plumber, then he'll probably do that himself.
Appreciation: Using the example given before, imagine the husbands been working all day to fix the sink. You've encouraged him since he's helping out in the household, and the praise is for Allaah - he fixes it!
Now you should show him your appreciation, don't say something like 'my grandma can do better than that' - but be happy so he can be happy with you. Appreciate him and he will appreciate you. If you don't appreciate your spouse - then they won't be bothered to help out next time.
Acceptance: You should accept your spouse, even though there might be certain things which you might not totally like. It may be that Allaah's placed in it a lot of good, but you don't know of it yet?
If you don't like a thing, you should show your spouse that you're willing to change certain things about yourself, and that if you do, then your spouse should also. That makes it fair.
Don't nag your spouse about their bad habits or try to control their behavior by sharing upset or negative feelings. Sharing feelings is ok, but not when used to punish or manipulate.
Aa'isha (may Allah be pleased with her) narrates in Sahih Al Bukhari V2/B 15/no.70]:
It was the day of 'Id, and the Black people were playing with shields and spears; so either I requested the Prophet (peace be upon him) or he asked me whether I would like to see the display. I replied in the affirmative. Then the Prophet (peace be upon him) made me stand behind him and my cheek was touching his cheek and he was saying, "Carry on! O Bani Arfida," till I got tired.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) asked me, "Are you satisfied (Is that sufficient for you)?" I replied in the affirmative and he told me to leave.
That's cute; they showed each other that they weren't embarrassed to be in love with each other.. it shows your acceptance towards each other too.
There are many other narrations which state that Allaah's Messenger (peace be upon him) would eat with his wives, both would eat from the same and drink from the same glass etc. That's how it should be - it unites you together physically, aswell as the hearts.
Encouragement: Your husband might have experienced something, he feels he needs support. So he turns to his wife; the best thing she can do is encourage him and make him feel that she is on his side and supporting him (so long as he isn't doing something forbidden.) Look at the example of the wife of Allaah's Messenger; Khadija:
When the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) received the first revelation from Allah, he was terrified and sought comfort with his wife Khadija. He said, "I fear that something may happen to me."
Khadija replied, "Never! But have the glad tidings, for by Allah, Allah will never disgrace you as you keep good relations with your kith and kin [family], speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guest generously and assist the deserving, calamity-afflicted ones."
[Authentically recorded in Sahih Al-Bukhari]
This assured the Messenger of Allaah, and this is what every guy wants. Behind every great guy is a good woman.
Admiration - When the wife views the husband with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, the husband feels *admired*. Telling him what to do as if he were a child does not make him feel admired. Admiration is when the wife is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or
talents like humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, etc.
Here's a good example:
Once the prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was staring at him long enough for him to notice.
He said, "What's the matter?" She replied, "If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you."
The Prophet (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) asked, "What did he say?" She replied, "Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see."
So the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, "Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and more."
[This was narrated in Dala'el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu'aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina.]
Grow up together..
Remember that you're both still young inside, no matter how old you get. What really matters is that you grow up together, because with age comes experience. Every moment of your life is a step closer to your return to your Creator, and you're best friend on that day will be your good character with others.
...Abu Darda' reported that the Prophet of Allah, upon him be peace, said, "Nothing is weightier on the Scale of Deeds than one's good manners." [Sahih Al Bukhari - Book of Manners #271]
Strive towards Paradise hand in hand, because one of the greatest blessings Allaah has given us is love, and to gain alot of good - you need to make alot of sacrifices, and it is worth it in the end.
Remember to ask Allaah for that good, since He is the turner of hearts, He is the All Rich, and He has Power over all things.
04-29-2008, 02:06 PM
Mashaa Allah, Jazaakallah khair! I really really like this article - very casual, yet engaging and full of beautiful naseeha http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon14.gif
04-29-2008, 02:13 PM
jazakillah khayr sister..
theres one more, which is related to intimate marriage life, kinda targeted at brothers.. so if anyone wants access to it, just pm insha Allah.. or something.
04-29-2008, 02:41 PM
if anyone wants to read the whole 'heart-break' series, they can access it here insha Allah [this selection was from within that series at the end]:
This one might also be of interest - its purely story form, but you learn lessons by experiencing the main character's lifestory;
04-29-2008, 07:44 PM
Wow Jazakallahukhair! That really was all very practical and pretty engaging, as the other sister said.
10-22-2009, 03:08 PM
Jazaakum Allahu khairan
10-28-2009, 03:46 PM
wow! great article mashaAllah! jazakAllah khair+may Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'aala reward u!
Abd As Samad
11-04-2009, 05:35 PM
jazakillah khayr sister..
theres one more, which is related to intimate marriage life, kinda targeted at brothers.. so if anyone wants access to it, just pm insha Allah.. or something.
Wa'alaaykum as salaam wa Rahmatullaah
I don't think PM'ing works on this forum
11-04-2009, 06:31 PM
jazakAllahu khayr brother Abdullah, its a very good piece of work that you have compiled, if its okay with you, we may get someone from our in house publishing team to contact you - naturally a brother.
May Allah azza wa jall continue to increase your time with barakah. ameen
11-07-2009, 01:33 PM
jazakAllahu khayr brother Abdullah, its a very good piece of work that you have compiled, if its okay with you, we may get someone from our in house publishing team to contact you - naturally a brother.
May Allah azza wa jall continue to increase your time with barakah. ameen asalaam alaikum
I don't mind it being published insha Allah, but what's the name of the publishers?
Ameen to the du'a.
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