PDA

View Full Version : Wives:::Deep Reflections on Your Role in Your Marital Disputes


~Oum AbdurRahman~
08-15-2008, 09:07 PM
Bismillah,

As-salaamoualaikoum,

I would like to get some true deep reflections on what you think is what causes marital strife in your relationship with your spouse. You can be anonymous and send a short two paragraph piece to me at my email address if you do not wish to post that here.

However if you do wish to be open and honest, and inspire others, then you can answer the following question below. Be totally honest, you would be surprised as to how many other wives out there share the same issues.

1.What do you feel humbly is the greatest reason behind major disagreements in your marriage? Do you believe that in all honesty it's is his fault? Or do you believe that your character and actions have a play in the disagreements and arguements? Please explain in a two paragraph piece.


***Disclaimer***Please note that what you provide to me is accepted for the sake of Allah and that I will be adding selected pieces to possibly be published in Al Jumuah Magazine. If this is not allowed on these forums, please delete this posting. Thank you.

Generous_1
08-15-2008, 10:33 PM
However if you do wish to be open and honest, and inspire others, then you can answer the following question below. Be totally honest, you would be surprised as to how many other wives out there share the same issues.
I don't see how other people's personal problems could inspire us. Anyway, what if the hubbies read this won't that cause fitnah?

Hala
08-15-2008, 11:04 PM
How about something more positive, like a piece of advice others can benefit from? i.e. how to avoid such quarrels, or how to deal with them...

~Oum AbdurRahman~
08-16-2008, 05:11 AM
First of all, let me start by mentioning that there is a huge crisis that we are facing today in this country and that is the constant issue of divorce that is causing havoc in our society. My goal here is to identify, find practical solutions and publish these common issues that are constantly swept under rugs like dirty secrets. And usually the actual issues remain as dirty secrets, until a newly divorced mother comes to the mosque one day with a baby in one hand and a toddler in the other asking for some kind of assistance from the Zakaat charity funds because she honestly cannot find a way to work, or even get started for that matter. Simple minds might not be able to swallow these hard facts, however they are very real, and they are tragic, and they are happening all over in our communities. We can focus focus focus on spreading fiqhi knowledge and the basics about our Islam as Muslims, but how does that help the culture bitten marriage that is failing because one spouse or the other fails to understand the difference between cultural practices and what Islam actually dictates??? I will not back down until I can do my part to help someone, all be it one individual, to understand the core issues that we as Muslim mothers/wives face today in this western society. So please excuse the negativity, however, reality can be bitter, and we have to deal with problems and bring them out to the masses, rather then constantly try to run away from them. If the issue is just whether it causes fitnah or not, well that is a simple solution, it's called private e-mail or secondary screen names. NOW. That said, if you are willing to help in this endeavor, please do so and for the sake of Allah. IF not, please, refrain from commenting in this thread, thank you.

Um Tammer
08-16-2008, 11:56 AM
Personally, it all boils down to the ego and my perception of myself
being challenged.

Sometimes it also becomes a power struggle, it can come from either
me or him and it varies.

This insight usually comes later..Hindsight really is 20/20

~Oum AbdurRahman~
08-16-2008, 02:04 PM
SubhanAllah thank you for your honesty Umm Tammer, and this input is very helpful to me. I think our western uprbringing/environment has a play in this at times, especially when east meets west. SO we could be thinking that the easterner guy is all wrong, but we too also have our own types of "hawa". I appreciate this input.

Um Tammer
08-18-2008, 08:59 AM
What ever the culture, men and women are just different! Thats the challenge,
understanding your partners "language."

~Oum AbdurRahman~
08-18-2008, 01:11 PM
Okay well I'll give you my input. I would say the deepest role that I play in my marital disputes would have to probably be that I don't accept someone to talk down to me or to insult me, and many times that is just second nature in some people unfortunately. So I'll escalate the issue and stay angry for a long time and withdraw, because I just don't know how to let things go in one ear and out the other.

Um Tammer
08-20-2008, 09:03 AM
Yes, that's exactly what I mean!!! it really takes an effort, not to
take things so personally.

I was reading something yesterday about the nature of women.
We are so good at reading moods and non-verbal communication,
that some times we read too much into things.
And we keep asking if something is wrong, just take no for an answer.
Even if you FEEL otherwise, let the mood pass without digging for
why??

Aroob525
08-20-2008, 10:14 AM
JazakiAllahu KHayr Oum AbdurRahman for focusing on this issue. I definitely agree that these issues need to be bought to the forefront so others can learn from them and protect their marriages.

I agree with Um Tammer about the makeup of women, we are emotional creatures and when disputes are around the corner we tend to get riled up rather than extinguish the flames that are about to rise.

Now back to your questions:

What do you feel humbly is the greatest reason behind major disagreements in your marriage?

-Alhumdulillah since my marriage is fairly new we havent had major disagreements;however now with the birth of our daughter I feel there can be tension in the way we plan to raise her. I feel the greatest reason behind major disagreements is not fully understanding what marriage is. Many tend to forget that is means to compromise and sacrifice. Every decision that is made one partner has to either compromise or sacrifice for the other. So we need to work on our stubborness and understand that we are in a relationship that takes the cooperation of both individuals in order for it to be successful.

Do you believe that in all honesty it's is his fault? Or do you believe that your character and actions have a play in the disagreements and arguements?

-This honestly depends on the issue at hand. I do fully believe that problems need to be discussed when both individuals are calm and each should LISTEN to the other. I always remind my husband that us women are creatures of the heart, that I feel first and think later :) he completely understands that and will give me a few minutes for my anger to subside before we sit and talk. Likewise, he's more logical and when he's upset I take Sh. Yaser's advice from FOL and leave my husband alone until he's ready to talk. Every individual is different, you need to know your spouse and what works. Never place blame. So I really never focus on whose fault it is, instead I'm more worried about being normal again, making sure we're not upset anymore.

Most definitely one's character and actions play a role in the argument/disagreement. No one is perfect and we learn more about ourselves both in different situations and from our mistakes. So when arguments come and go we should work out the flaws in ourselves and likewise so should our spouses in order to prevent a similar disagreement in the future.

Marriage is a beautiful relationship, and having a companion to go through the challenges of life is a blessing. May Allah SWT protect the believers, their spouses, their offspring and their marriages. Ameen.

Munawwara
08-21-2008, 02:16 PM
Alhamdulillah I haven't been married long [6 months] but one thing my husband has always ensured and reminded me from the outset is that we must communicate everything we feel so that we can properly deal with anything that comes our way. Through this, our marriage has alhamdulillah been bliss from day 1, and although we have our personal issues that crop up, we deal with it by how we deal with each other through communication.

I believe that the main reasons for disagreement is the way man and woman communicate with each other and what they expect out of the communication - she feels hurt and she wants to feel better again, he feels wronged and wants to put himself right again but the biggest problem here is both of them are concerned with what they want, but neither is considering what each other wants/needs. I think both spouses have to honestly, truthfully and tactfully put forward their feelings to each other. When the woman isnt validated and made to feel like she has the right to feel the way she feels [even if the issue at hand later evolves to be nothing!], she still needs to feel like she has the right to her feelings - cus she IS feeling those feelings and a man must never deny her the very basic fundamental right to her OWN feelings. The reason why I feel honestly is important is because a woman tends to have an issue about a,b,c, but she says it through d,e,f. By doing this, she isnt really trying to deal with the main issue at hand that is eating away in her heart. After all, a man may need his wife to bring it to his attention first before he can deal with it properly [its obvious to the woman because it matters to her, but that dont neccessarily mean its obvious to the man]. If she doesnt like something he does or says to her, then no matter how trivial it may seem she has to tell him [every stone left unturned will come back bigger next time] even if it is touchy or uncomfortable or painful. She must be clear but try to say it in the best way. But as soon as she says it and says it as best as she possibly could, then the responsibility falls on the man to respond in the best and wisest of ways. The man doesnt realise that HOW he responds is the key to dissolving the matter quickly, and painlessly. But if he responds defensively, starts to say she is wrong etc and worse still - walks away or leaves her hanging/issue unresolved after she has opened up to him about something that is upsetting her - then the woman will feel like she has received a form of injustice and this may scar her in the future - she may feel that she cannot open up to him in the HONEST way due to his reaction to to her honesty, so she will try to do it in different and perhaps more inappropriate ways e.g. mind games, manipulative behaviour etc. The worst thing a man can ever allow is to allow his wife to fester in her pain, feelings and thoughts without resolving them there and then.

Personally, I feel there are many reasons for marital disputes be it dishonesty, inability to understand the other spouse, arrogance, unequal give and take, the past of each individual before marriage coming up later in marriage, other men and women, jealousy, domestic violence, pornography, oppression, family meddling/influence, not enough sexual fulfillment, money etc - there are so many reasons and each couple is unique and require a different prescription. I think its worth noting that a woman is influenced by the way her husband is, so if he deals with her in the best way, she will deal with him in the best way back. A man is given the leadership in the marriage and he must realise that he has a very important and highly influential and RESPONSIBLE position, so what he does/doesnt do will affect his wife. The characterisitcs of a man easily rubs off on a woman than the other way round, hence why its important that the man leads and pioneers the best actions/reactions/character because his influence is greater than the woman due to her submissive quality. Its also important to note that a woman should embrace her submissive quality and allow her husband to be "the man" in the relationship by trusting him and believing in his abilities AND making it obvious through appreciation etc [even if he does end up making a mess of things]. She doesnt realise that her criticisms [even if they are well intentioned] erodes away at his leadership role, causing him to feel like he has to deal with her like another man [or he may even give up his trousers to her!].

Every couple has their own set of problems and their own unique mix of prescriptions.

Maskinah
08-22-2008, 11:50 AM
May Allah reward you sr Oum AbdurRahman for initiating this, not many people have the courage to speak against the increasing divorve rate in our muslim community, I'm sure your contribution will be a great help to many muslims Insha-Allah. I remember sheikh Yasser Fazaga saying something to the effect of change was never the result of the masses its always a hand full of people that initiate a change. I wish i could help but I'm not married yet, having said that i have benefited all the sisters input Mansha-Allah and i will defintely note down for future reference. May Allah bless you marriage Ameen.

In my humble opinion i think what we need to do is a) raise awareness about the divorce epedimic b) get more mariage counselors, imams should also be trained since they deal with disbutes c) couples should be encouraged to seek help

I don't see how other people's personal problems could inspire us. Anyway, what if the hubbies read this won't that cause fitnah?How are we suppose to over come these problems if we don't talk about them by the way the sisters are not telling us a particular incidents in their marriage they're using general terms. I've read so many articles about marriage i also listened to lectures but i must admit the way the sisters identified the causes of disbutes and their remedies is very unique and informative Mansha-Allah.

hibahmac
08-22-2008, 05:38 PM
In my humble opinion i think what we need to do is a) raise awareness about the divorce epedimic b) get more mariage counselors, imams should also be trained since they deal with disbutes c) couples should be encouraged to seek help.
as more muslims devote themselves to working this particular issue, it would be a good idea to do an assessment of who's already doing what so that there can be an actual network and more coordinated action in and across our communities.

for example, i've noticed already that Sis Fouzia of QHaqq has been promoting Shaykh Birjas' iwannagetmarried.com. ya Oum AbdurRahman, have you thought of promoting (or have already) iwannagetmarried.com in Al Jumuah Magazine?

another angle: how about a survey to discover how many of our imams even have MFT training, or are in pursuit of such or the equivalent, so that there can be an objective baseline to refer to? perhaps there are national/regional organizations of mushayikh that can help with this (if we're even that organized!!).

i also wonder how many muslims are in advanced psych/counseling degree programs or how many muslim psychologists/psychotherapists we even have across our communities.

often such types fly so below the radar that it takes overhearing a whisper that your friend's neighbor's sister-in-law's cousin's best friend whose families come from the same home country has a psych professional in the family living in your region who you can contact on the downlow for you to even have a glimmer of hope of getting real help from a muslim because you wonder if the shayukh in your area know and practice anymore sense in their own marriages and families than you do in yours and possess the language, skills, and training to communicate it (sorry dear shayukh, but alhamduliLlah that doesn't seem to be a problem here).

without truly established networks, we end up scrambling around looking for someone with connections or most likely end up turning to nonmuslims.

Generous_1
08-30-2008, 09:42 PM
How are we suppose to over come these problems if we don't talk about them by the way the sisters are not telling us a particular incidents in their marriage they're using general terms. I've read so many articles about marriage i also listened to lectures but i must admit the way the sisters identified the causes of disbutes and their remedies is very unique and informative Mansha-Allah.
Ofcourse. I now see that I was clearly wrong. So Alhamdulillah, I will stop my contribution as apparently I don't know what I'm talking about. lol Aight. *walks out*

~Oum AbdurRahman~
09-03-2008, 02:45 AM
As-salaamoualaikoum,

Wow masha'allah jezakum allahu khairan for all this input!
I am going to let this thread open for a couple more weeks insha'allah.

Sister Hiba, actually I have not heard of that program, however, I have been to the muslim matters website, and I tried my best to help however because Al Jumuah Magizine is NOT a non profit publication, the people on the non profit organization side usually have certain intricat rules and what not as to how they want to promote their websites, and Al Jumuah has its own legalities and small little conditions as well, and that's sort of where the whole da'wah project goes down the drain in the process of combing through all the legal stuff. This effort would have to be directly coordinated between Sheikh Yaser and the Publisher, Hassen Laidi. I will talk to my boss about it insha'allah, because I'm all for the ajr.

Atleast this way, with this thread, and the articles that I write, atleast I can start a small fire with this subject, maybe I can influence other major heads of communities to come to action, maybe some Muslim who's in the White House will read about it, and help pass a law, or help even more. The media is a powerful tool of da'wah. Powerful. Maybe a millionaire is reading this, and might just decide, "well, let me go ahead and fund sheikh Yaser's endeavor."

You see, at the end of the day, it's all about getting the message out to the right people, the shyookh, the executives, the wealthy business owners, CEOS, the "mala' of society". Allahumma Ameen. May Allah grant all the muslims real understanding, and sought out abilities, ameen.

Bint Ali
09-10-2008, 05:37 PM
All the sisters make such a good point. I did want to comment on inlaws. Sometimes, inlaws become the reason for a divource or failing marriage. Im not blaming inlaws for failing marriages, however, I do think that they can, and often times do, add a fair amount of stress on a marital relationship. So here is my question:

According to Islam, what rights do her(wife) inlaws have over her?

And what constructive steps can a wife take in order to preserve her marriage and her sanity. This is very common problem among the indo/pak community.
Also I want to know what the sisters have to say about joint family system or just how to better their relationships with thier inlaws while at the same time not allowing them to interfear.

~Oum AbdurRahman~
09-11-2008, 04:59 AM
All the sisters make such a good point. I did want to comment on inlaws. Sometimes, inlaws become the reason for a divource or failing marriage. Im not blaming inlaws for failing marriages, however, I do think that they can, and often times do, add a fair amount of stress on a marital relationship. So here is my question:

According to Islam, what rights do her(wife) inlaws have over her?

And what constructive steps can a wife take in order to preserve her marriage and her sanity. This is very common problem among the indo/pak community.
Also I want to know what the sisters have to say about joint family system or just how to better their relationships with thier inlaws while at the same time not allowing them to interfear.

Thank you for bringing this up. It is an issue that gets ignored often. What I know is from what I read in Islamqa dot com. I know that the inlaws rights upon you are that you treat them with respect, say salam when you greet them, if they come to your home, honor them as guests in Islam according to the Sunnah. However if they try to order you around and what not, you do not have to obey them. You're obedience goes to Allah, and then your husband. Wa Allahu 'Alem.

In all honesty, all you can do is poison them with kindness. And if that doesn't work, in my own small amount of experience, the best thing to do is just distance yourself from them, and set your own boundries. You don't have to be at their beck and call. There is a huge difference between cultural practice and Islam.

One has to be cautious from the very beginning, and do all they can to avoid living with in-laws. Because it just adds a huge strain on a marriage, especially when the in-laws practice culture before Islam. The case is that usually we know as wives, the difference purely between what Islam calls for, and what the culture calls for. Most wise people study up on it before they get married. The problem arises when a husband (or a wife), or his/her family, do not differentiate the difference between the two.

The whole Islam vs Culture thing has become such an issue for me personally, and I really plan on focusing all my anger, into propagating to the masses, this whole culture vs. Islam issue. I swear by Allah, mere ignorance about this whole issue, has caused so many marriages to break up, innumerable divorces, children left to be raised without fathers, or sometimes mothers, simply because one or both parties, or outer influences cannot grasp the concept of differentiating what the Sunnah of Allah and His Messenger (sallahul 'aleyhi wa salem)calls for, before a tradtional cutural practice.

This subject involves so many levels of what is considered "mubah" and what is considered, "makrooh" and "haraam". I do not feel confident in even approaching this issue on a fiqhi level, as my knowledge is limited. Sometimes certain issues really require intense ijtihaad from the 'ulemaa, and not us lay people. Islam qa dot com does have fatawa on some issues in this matter. It's a good place to start.

And sometimes, you cannot change or even expect people who are so tied up in culture, to ever understand. Their brains have been wired that way since they were babies, and their is no changing their way of thinking, accept with Allah's ultimate will and extreme amounts of patience. I have learned, that no matter how much you try to make people understand Islam sometimes you cannot, because their hearts are closed. Only Allah guides whom He wills, we have to remember that.

Sometimes Allah gives us tests and in-laws can sometimes be a real test. We have to also remember that. In-laws can be dealt with. Either by moving away from them, or just by simply ignoring their constant comments, or unexceptable demands. No matter what you do, it has to be for the sake of Allah. Sometimes when moving away is not an option, all you can do is isolate yourself from them. Allahul musta'an.

~Oum AbdurRahman~
09-11-2008, 05:10 AM
Another issue I thnk is when we sometimes feel the need to just hide everything. To given into husbands demands and just stay "silent" when we have real issues in our relationships that honestly need counselling or a third party to intervene. Sometimes silence only makes a probelm grow bigger. More rage and frustration builds up when we stay "silent". And then one day comes along, and just one small little word is said, causing a barrel of water to over flow causing a huge mess. It's not good for us to stay silent all the time. And sometimes, culture, causes people to stay silent. Silence is not always a virtue.

zuhair.shaath
09-11-2008, 07:36 AM
The man doesnt realise that HOW he responds is the key to dissolving the matter quickly, and painlessly. But if he responds defensively, starts to say she is wrong etc and worse still - walks away or leaves her hanging/issue unresolved after she has opened up to him about something that is upsetting her - then the woman will feel like she has received a form of injustice and this may scar her in the future - she may feel that she cannot open up to him in the HONEST way due to his reaction to to her honestyHow do you suggest the man deal with it then to best resolve the issue without giving up his side completely? What if he feels like he's being accused of something that may not be his fault? How can he feel that he's not the only one "giving ground" in the relationship?

I'll be honest, I've never even thought of this issue in the manner described. Jazakumullahu khair, that's very beneficial! Also I think this thread should remain open for much longer than 2 weeks, it's very informative on how sisters think lol.

Bint Ali
09-14-2008, 08:40 PM
Subhanallah...silence is such a big issue within the women. I think they stay silent because maybe the think that if they say anything it may make matters worse.

What can one do with husbands who push their wives in "obeying" the inlaws against the wives will. I have so many stories around me where the guys are in denial. They know of their parents nature and sometimes, they dont want to deal with it, so they push their wives forward. Needless to say that adds unwanted tension between the husband and the wife.

And Jazakallah khair for answering my previous question. It was very helpful. Im loving this thread now.

Munawwara
09-17-2008, 03:34 PM
How do you suggest the man deal with it then to best resolve the issue without giving up his side completely? What if he feels like he's being accused of something that may not be his fault? How can he feel that he's not the only one "giving ground" in the relationship?

I'll be honest, I've never even thought of this issue in the manner described. Jazakumullahu khair, that's very beneficial! Also I think this thread should remain open for much longer than 2 weeks, it's very informative on how sisters think lol.
Sorry for the late response, I didn't realise someone read my message cus it was a bit too long [even for me!]. I'm not the best person to answer this but I will try.

In my humble opinion, if a woman in a relationship is accusing her husband of something that may not be his fault, and it is clearly obvious to the woman that it isn't his fault yet she persists, then there maybe unresolved issues that are not being openly communicated and discussed which are surfacing now, but they are from the past or her current insecurities [note: what is obvious to the man may not be to the woman and will need to be explained in a kind and considerate manner which will help towards defusing the situation very quickly and allow her to stop and listen properly to what her husband has to say].

A woman usually accuses a man on something he is innocent in not because she doesn't realise, but because the reality is she is accusing him of something from a previous incident that wasnt resolved properly so in her head she has scars from past incidents which she cannot heal until she fully feels that the wound wont be opened again.

Its hard to answer your question because it depends on what she is accusing you of and whether its the SAME thing she is accusing you of every time, or different things. For example women tend to accuse their husbands of looking at other women :-) [even if he didnt look, she may have seen his eyes glance towards somewhere and that is enough for her to accuse him. It may not seem fair to the man but she does that because she needs to feel like she is number 1 in his eyes and at that moment she does not feel like that]. I feel that a man can quickly resolve this issue by not saying this:

"I wasnt looking at anyone! I was just looking at the shop window!" [conversation ends, both are silent]

but instead saying this:

"My dear, I am sorry if you felt I was looking at another woman. I assure you I was not and that you are the only one most beautiful in my eyes. These other women are nothing compared to you. I did not look at anyone even though it may have looked like that. I am sorry and I understand why you felt the way you did and you have every right to, I would love it if you could trust me and give me the benefit of the doubt in future though - ok my dear?"

I will segregate each sentence and why I personally feel they are important:

"My dear.."
[she is given INSTANT assurance that he is not angry because he has used a loving word which will in turn soften her heart to his explanation]

"I am sorry if you felt I was looking at another woman..." [straight away he is putting his hands up with an apology which will make her feel like she has been understood without being accused]

I assure you I was not and that you are the only one most beautiful in my eyes. These other women are nothing compared to you..." [you are reassuring her of her position in your life which is at number 1 in all areas and you have reiterated your innocence]

I did not look at anyone even though it may have looked like that...." [you are again reiterating your innocence which is very important she hears a few times, and at the same time you are showing her that you can see things from her point of view which in turn validates her rights to her feelings = too important!]

I am sorry and I understand why you felt the way you did and you have every right to..." [you are apologising cus you have a good understanding heart even though you have not done anything wrong but you're also getting her ready for the next thing you are going to say. You have also validated her again which will open the door for an apology from her side to you]

"I would love it if you could trust me and give me the benefit of the doubt in future though - ok my dear?..." [this is the message you want her to get cus its not fair for the man to be accused, the woman needs to take responsibility too for her part in things and to be more trusting in future. You have also ended it with a nice loving word which should stop any retaliation from the woman's side and she will feel happy to open up to you in future due to this small but very relevant situation]




She probably may huff and puff ever so lightly, but secretly she will be happy and she should be back to her normal self with a bit of time [few mins unless she is menstruating because then nothing will be logical to her and she will probably overreact constantly because her hormones are playing up and her emotions are all over the place. At this time she needs to still be told the above but also made to feel special and considered constantly throughout her period].

I think the main thing to remember is that a woman is different from a man and hence a man has to deal with her like a woman, rather than like a man. Talking with a woman should be done with delicacy, tact, understanding and kindness. Its goes such a long way than being defensive all the time. Everyone has the right to be defensive when they are wronged, but its how we defend ourselves that shows the beauty of a man/woman wisdom.

Each situation/couple are different and it depends on the woman's and man's psychology, their emotions, insecurities, ability to communicate/express themself, how they communicate/express, expectations and what each need from the other person. Every couple has their own prescription, some couples may share the same prescription, but most cases will need to be dealt individually.

Rabiah - la Voyageure
09-17-2008, 03:59 PM
Another issue I thnk is when we sometimes feel the need to just hide everything.

Sometimes silence only makes a probelm grow bigger. More rage and frustration builds up when we stay "silent".
I agree.
I remind myself of the hadith when I stay silent about something I don't quite like about my husband:

On the authority of Abu Saeed Al-Khurdari, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say: "Whosoever of you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest of faith." Related by Muslim.

It's simply about changing your attitude on how you view your 'problems'. If, as wives we are gonna sulk over them and just wait till it gets fixed - then good luck!
Sometimes, it just requires some guts to tell your husband - "I am mad at you because..." - and you'll see most of the times he won't even have a clue you were mad/upset with him!

Sally Mahmoud
09-17-2008, 11:08 PM
but instead saying this:

"My dear, I am sorry if you felt I was looking at another woman. I assure you I was not and that you are the only one most beautiful in my eyes. These other women are nothing compared to you. I did not look at anyone even though it may have looked like that. I am sorry and I understand why you felt the way you did and you have every right to, I would love it if you could trust me and give me the benefit of the doubt in future though - ok my dear?"

I will segregate each sentence and why I personally feel they are important:

"My dear.."
[she is given INSTANT assurance that he is not angry because he has used a loving word which will in turn soften her heart to his explanation]

"I am sorry if you felt I was looking at another woman..." [straight away he is putting his hands up with an apology which will make her feel like she has been understood without being accused]

I assure you I was not and that you are the only one most beautiful in my eyes. These other women are nothing compared to you..." [you are reassuring her of her position in your life which is at number 1 in all areas and you have reiterated your innocence]

I did not look at anyone even though it may have looked like that...." [you are again reiterating your innocence which is very important she hears a few times, and at the same time you are showing her that you can see things from her point of view which in turn validates her rights to her feelings = too important!]

I am sorry and I understand why you felt the way you did and you have every right to..." [you are apologising cus you have a good understanding heart even though you have not done anything wrong but you're also getting her ready for the next thing you are going to say. You have also validated her again which will open the door for an apology from her side to you]

"I would love it if you could trust me and give me the benefit of the doubt in future though - ok my dear?..." [this is the message you want her to get cus its not fair for the man to be accused, the woman needs to take responsibility too for her part in things and to be more trusting in future. You have also ended it with a nice loving word which should stop any retaliation from the woman's side and she will feel happy to open up to you in future due to this small but very relevant situation]


Masha'Allah.. perfect text book answer! are there men out there that speak like this ;)

I just read this response to my husband and he said "It's so obvious a woman wrote this!"

May Allah guide the hearts of all Muslim spouses to the best. Perhaps the brothers should recite this duaa before embarking on an answer to any of those questions posed to them by their wives "My Lord, I ask you to expand my breast, make my task easy, undo the knot in my tongue so that my speech will become comprehensible" :p

(just a light-hearted reply.. no offense to anyone insha'Allah!)

eternalmuslimah
09-17-2008, 11:57 PM
Sorry for the late response, I didn't realise someone read my message cus it was a bit too long [even for me!]. I'm not the best person to answer this but I will try.

In my humble opinion, if a woman in a relationship is accusing her husband of something that may not be his fault, and it is clearly obvious to the woman that it isn't his fault yet she persists, then there maybe unresolved issues that are not being openly communicated and discussed which are surfacing now, but they are from the past or her current insecurities [note: what is obvious to the man may not be to the woman and will need to be explained in a kind and considerate manner which will help towards defusing the situation very quickly and allow her to stop and listen properly to what her husband has to say].

A woman usually accuses a man on something he is innocent in not because she doesn't realise, but because the reality is she is accusing him of something from a previous incident that wasnt resolved properly so in her head she has scars from past incidents which she cannot heal until she fully feels that the wound wont be opened again.

Its hard to answer your question because it depends on what she is accusing you of and whether its the SAME thing she is accusing you of every time, or different things. For example women tend to accuse their husbands of looking at other women :-) [even if he didnt look, she may have seen his eyes glance towards somewhere and that is enough for her to accuse him. It may not seem fair to the man but she does that because she needs to feel like she is number 1 in his eyes and at that moment she does not feel like that]. I feel that a man can quickly resolve this issue by not saying this:

"I wasnt looking at anyone! I was just looking at the shop window!" [conversation ends, both are silent]

but instead saying this:

"My dear, I am sorry if you felt I was looking at another woman. I assure you I was not and that you are the only one most beautiful in my eyes. These other women are nothing compared to you. I did not look at anyone even though it may have looked like that. I am sorry and I understand why you felt the way you did and you have every right to, I would love it if you could trust me and give me the benefit of the doubt in future though - ok my dear?"

I will segregate each sentence and why I personally feel they are important:

"My dear.."
[she is given INSTANT assurance that he is not angry because he has used a loving word which will in turn soften her heart to his explanation]

"I am sorry if you felt I was looking at another woman..." [straight away he is putting his hands up with an apology which will make her feel like she has been understood without being accused]

I assure you I was not and that you are the only one most beautiful in my eyes. These other women are nothing compared to you..." [you are reassuring her of her position in your life which is at number 1 in all areas and you have reiterated your innocence]

I did not look at anyone even though it may have looked like that...." [you are again reiterating your innocence which is very important she hears a few times, and at the same time you are showing her that you can see things from her point of view which in turn validates her rights to her feelings = too important!]

I am sorry and I understand why you felt the way you did and you have every right to..." [you are apologising cus you have a good understanding heart even though you have not done anything wrong but you're also getting her ready for the next thing you are going to say. You have also validated her again which will open the door for an apology from her side to you]

"I would love it if you could trust me and give me the benefit of the doubt in future though - ok my dear?..." [this is the message you want her to get cus its not fair for the man to be accused, the woman needs to take responsibility too for her part in things and to be more trusting in future. You have also ended it with a nice loving word which should stop any retaliation from the woman's side and she will feel happy to open up to you in future due to this small but very relevant situation]




She probably may huff and puff ever so lightly, but secretly she will be happy and she should be back to her normal self with a bit of time [few mins unless she is menstruating because then nothing will be logical to her and she will probably overreact constantly because her hormones are playing up and her emotions are all over the place. At this time she needs to still be told the above but also made to feel special and considered constantly throughout her period].

I think the main thing to remember is that a woman is different from a man and hence a man has to deal with her like a woman, rather than like a man. Talking with a woman should be done with delicacy, tact, understanding and kindness. Its goes such a long way than being defensive all the time. Everyone has the right to be defensive when they are wronged, but its how we defend ourselves that shows the beauty of a man/woman wisdom.

Each situation/couple are different and it depends on the woman's and man's psychology, their emotions, insecurities, ability to communicate/express themself, how they communicate/express, expectations and what each need from the other person. Every couple has their own prescription, some couples may share the same prescription, but most cases will need to be dealt individually.
beautiful answer :D

have u considered offering marriage counseling? and all of this in 6 months of marriage? haha... masha'Allah ;)

the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, is totally amazing too

Munawwara
09-18-2008, 03:44 PM
are there men out there that speak like this ;)

I just read this response to my husband and he said "It's so obvious a woman wrote this!"


(just a light-hearted reply.. no offense to anyone insha'Allah!)lol! You know sister, my husband said something similar cus I asked him if he could read my message to get his side of things, he said "men dont talk like that" and I said to him "yes they do because you do! I got most of that from what you say to me whenever I get upset about things! See you're such a great husband!" [at this point he started smiling feeling good about himself lol but at the same time he knew that a few of the things he didnt say, but I only said he is a great husband so that he does apply the 'extras' in future :-D]. I have noticed that he always says the key words that make it worthwhile whenever any issue comes up that we need to discuss e.g. "sorry, I understand where you are coming from hun and you have every right to feel the way you do..." etc.

Anyway I just wrote what I analysed from what he said to me and how I felt afterwards, which I feel all women can do due to the blessings Allah [subhanahu wa ta'ala] has given women in their emotions etc [as long as we dont allow heedlessness to blur things up].

By the way, something that was mentioned by sister Oum was about silence and letting things build up, which can cause more heartache in the long run - as soon as an issue comes up, no matter how small it is [but definitely bugging], I always say it straight away [absolutely everything]. Like sister Rabiah said, we can either sulk and hope they will get fixed [95% of the time they wont], or speak up [which ensures the issue is brought out into the open and is made aware to the husband who is probably clueless like sister Rabiah said].

Rabiah - la Voyageure
09-19-2008, 02:14 PM
Another thing I found really helpful - turn the dispute into fun!

Remember the last time you were upset with your husband? What did you do about it?
I came up with this cool idea. I charge him everytime he's ill-mannered. A toonie for being grumpy, a dollar for not listening, and 5 bucks for going somewhere without telling me :D (this applies to me too - when I don't obey him, talk back without thinking, etc)
My husband has this habit - whenever he sits somewhere and then gets up - he always leave the change from his pockets behind. I like to call them Barakah Droopings.
So everytime he refuses to put money in our little 'bank', I simply just ask him to sit beside me, and I get the money (ofcourse he knows I'm taking it).
At the end of the week, we just go out and get a treat for ourselves - for simply acknowledging our misbehaviour.

Try this - it's fun :D
His younger sister, 9, also helps us to realize when either of us has offended the other... and then she says, Bro - I found your Barakah droopings and they are in your room (i.e. the 'bank')

As a Muslim married couple, you are always developing understanding with your spouse. My parents have been married for 30 years, ma sha Allaah, and they are still learning things abt each other (and they are cousins too!). So don't think you'll know everything about your spouse in a few years of marriage.

Hala
09-19-2008, 02:17 PM
haha! I love it Rabia! How about when they go for 'isha prayer and spend an extra hour (or two) with the brothers? =D

Rabiah - la Voyageure
09-19-2008, 02:19 PM
haha! I love it Rabia! How about when they go for 'isha prayer and spend an extra hour (or 2) with the brothers? =D
We normally go together to pray. He leaves after 8, and I like to stay longer... so I give him time to 'chill with his boys'. That's free of charge :D

Hala
09-19-2008, 02:24 PM
We normally go together to pray. He leaves after 8, and I like to stay longer... so I give him time to 'chill with his boys'. That's free of charge :Dalright, I guess that can be free... can't wait to implement this :-D

Rabiah - la Voyageure
09-19-2008, 02:32 PM
alright, I guess that can be free... can't wait to implement this :-DOh - put the money somewhere safe, and also somewhere it's visible. Otherwise, it's easy to forget about it.
I leave it on our dresser.

It won't be fun if you are not doing your part and always charging him... so ensure you are also accountable of your own behaviour.

Enjoy the treat on our behalf :)

baji2720
10-05-2008, 10:06 AM
Most marriages who have contentions but end up staying to gether, often are due to women realizing that the husband is just not going to ever change, and it almost always comes down to the wives to be the one to change themselves in the regard that they just grin it and bear it. Fortunately or unfortunately it usually falls to wives to come to this, it is the nature of men to be authoratative and once they have their minds made up about something it is extremely hard to get them to change. Often they just harden up and it is usually no use in trying to make them understand, especially if they themselves came from homes where there was much chaos, and they had to pull out on their own.

It might seem ot most of us who grew up in US or other western countries that this is so backward and that women should not have to put up with such situations, and when put to a hypotheticals we declare we would never put up with it. However, this easier said than in practical real situations. Actually my view has changed. I now believe that that woman is in fact wise. When one has children the priority must be the environment and the well being of the children. Women nature makes us able to find ways for us to be malleable according to the situations, and to fins the positives in whatever situations we ma find us in. So by taking rash decisions in breaking up the marriage there is more harm that results than good.

I must however clarify that this only in cases where there is a difference maybe in ideology or view os life. Not in abusive situations. I think that is the test as long as the relationship not harmful to wife's health (mental and physical). If that is the situation than i believe and am comfortable in even declaring that Islamically one would have maybe even a duty to break off the realtionship, because then you are harming yourself, and the children more by staying together.

baji2720
10-05-2008, 10:38 AM
On the other end all thi sproves what I have always professed is very necessary which is that there must be pre-marial counseling. There are issues which are put to the back burner and not discussed before marriage, but however turn into the balst which rocks the marriage later on. Parents are so involved with just getting a suitable spose for their duaghters, that he should have a good job, make good money, that they do not even want to go there, and it is never approached where as if these subjects are dicussed beforehand imagine the amount grief it would save
These are the issues which i believe must be discussed before hand:

1. View of the roles that the wife and husband each respectively should play. many men do have in their minds an expectation especially if the wife is educated, that she would work and help out with home finances, but this should be discussed, no man should just expect it, but if not discussed it proves to become a major point of contention, especially if you have an ambitious man, who looks at his wife being on equal footing with him, or vice versa. if this not discussed it potentially leads to a situation in which no matter what other qualities one bears it is a disappoinment which settels in the heart and builds misery.

2. Children, want or dont want, many or few...believe it or not this does become an issue in many marriages.

3. Role of in-laws. Must be discussed how each view their own parents and families role and involvement, and what their expectation of the role that the others parents and families would play.

4. Living arrangemetns...and not just immediate, also any possible situation that could arise, for example it is very often happens, that a sibling will enter college where the couple is living, it should be discussed that for instance if a situation arises such as this what are the view of the other spouse regarding living arrngements, and expectations.

5. Religion....how many times it happens that one spouse is more religious than the other.o ne may just find simple prayer and fasting is enough, where as the other is into real involvement of religion in their lives. It is my experience that it is much easier for women to settle with a man who is very religious, however it is very contentious for women who are very religious to be married to a man who is not.

6. And then in religion also specific issues. ie, hijab, pictures, music, etc.

Of course people evolve and change, however if one thinks that oh I will change the other person, then this is a losing battle. Rarely is one able to actively change the other. Not to say that it won't happen, but often occurs in a less direct way, but slowly, where as the other does not impose on the other, but slowly it dawns on them, but this is not waht i meaning by changing them, by that i mean to actively, give lectures, or insist or push theo ther to change their ways. It won't work, and instead create more distance.