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hibahmac
09-11-2008, 09:06 PM
Wa 'alaykum salaam wa rahmatuLlahi wa barakatuh Sis Khawlah...honestly, i think the question isn't framed up right from the get-go. a man's second (or third, fourth) marriage isn't something the current wife (wives) "let." he either chooses it or he doesn't. she/they either stay or they don't. the time for stating the deal-breakers is when you're hashing out the nikah, not after the fact. if the couple isn't contingency-thinking enough to cover that in the negotiation, then things might be messier should this come to pass.

so, would i stay should hubby chooses to marry a second wife? easy: if i see the balance of it as advantageous to me somehow, then yes. if the balance of the situation takes away from me and mine (meaning my kids) in a truly detrimental way, then no. notice, i say balance. this is because things would have to be assessed at the time, and fixed answers in hypotheticals only go but so far.

beyond the financials and logistics, i'd take a double-look at his sincerity and i'm sure i'd question my own adequacy. it's these types of questions (and do they ever go away???) that are the most stressful and damaging on a relationship.

so sis, i know you say you "had to ask," but is this really going anywhere? i hope this thread will be beneficial in some way w'Allahu 'alim.

AkheeAB
09-12-2008, 09:16 AM
The first wife’s distress when her husband marries another wife is to be expected, and Allaah has set out rules and regulations to reduce these feelings or remove them altogether, by enjoining justice, patience in the face of adversity, and so on. Whatever the case, the fact that these feelings of distress and the dislike of polygamy exist does not justify condemnation of polygamy. Islam came to serve and increase people’s best interests, and to reduce harmful things and render them ineffective. There is no doubt that polygamy, when practised properly in accordance with Islam, achieves many things that are in people’s best interests (such as maintaining the chastity of the man who is not satisfied with one wife, taking care of and maintaining the chastity of the woman who has no husband, increasing the offspring of the Muslims, solving the problem of widows and spinsters, and of the reduced numbers of men after times of war, and so on). As regards the bad things that happen in cases of polygamy, either they are very small when compared to its benefits, or they stem from bad application of this practice. One of the rights which Islam gives to women is that a wife should have her own house, so the two wives do not have to live together under one roof. And Allaah knows best

Sally Mahmoud
09-12-2008, 10:57 AM
Assalamun Alaaykum Warahmatullahi Wabaraktu.

My Beloved Sisters, I have been pondering upon this question for quite some time. And i had to Ask...


Well.. some women do "let" it happen.. and the few I've encountered/heard about it's usually something along the lines of the woman sorta wanted the extra time to herself for career/hobbies/peace of mind, she wanted to share the husband duties, and get a nice piece of jewelry from it as well!

I dont think this is our fitrah (as women).. I mean none of us are better than the mothers of the believers, and it's well documented how they felt about it.

If you are not interested in a multiple marriage arrangement, then when you're going through the marriage process.. make sure the bro you marry is monogamous.

Sally Mahmoud
09-12-2008, 11:03 AM
I just wanted to say i love the way you write, and the wisdom with which you approach things! Jazaki Allah khair :)


Wa 'alaykum salaam wa rahmatuLlahi wa barakatuh Sis Khawlah...honestly, i think the question isn't framed up right from the get-go. a man's second (or third, fourth) marriage isn't something the current wife (wives) "let." he either chooses it or he doesn't. she/they either stay or they don't. the time for stating the deal-breakers is when you're hashing out the nikah, not after the fact. if the couple isn't contingency-thinking enough to cover that in the negotiation, then things might be messier should this come to pass.

so, would i stay should hubby chooses to marry a second wife? easy: if i see the balance of it as advantageous to me somehow, then yes. if the balance of the situation takes away from me and mine (meaning my kids) in a truly detrimental way, then no. notice, i say balance. this is because things would have to be assessed at the time, and fixed answers in hypotheticals only go but so far.

beyond the financials and logistics, i'd take a double-look at his sincerity and i'm sure i'd question my own adequacy. it's these types of questions (and do they ever go away???) that are the most stressful and damaging on a relationship.

so sis, i know you say you "had to ask," but is this really going anywhere? i hope this thread will be beneficial in some way w'Allahu 'alim.

~Oum AbdurRahman~
09-13-2008, 01:42 PM
A wife who does not wish to live that sort of lifestyle can a stipulation in her marriage contract that : IF Husband marries a second wife then he is to issue his first wife a divorce.

I have added this very stipulation in my own contract.

bint_habibullah
09-13-2008, 04:53 PM
Wa 'alaikum as salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

Hmm, well I don't really think any woman "lets" her husband marry a second wife. I don't think 99.9% would if they had that choice to give their say. Usually, it's the man's choice to do it or not. Also, when this does happen the first wife (or second, and third if that applies) do a completely 180 degree turn. She is not really in the state of mind to systematically and rationally weigh down the choices - should I stay or not? Usually emotion overtake her at this time, may Allah have mercy on her, and she is not really one to make an informed decision. I hope brothers take great great care when they're contemplating on the issue and even considering it. There are very specific conditions and responsibilities with regards to taking another wife. There's more work and less play involved - but the reward can be tremendous subhanAllah. I remember a warning in a hadeeth, "Whoever leans more towards one wife will come on the Day of Judgement leaning." This might not seem so significant but think of the pain when your body is deformed by leaning over to one side on a day where there is no shade but Allah's!

Hmm...this topic reminds of a hadeeth...

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be please with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a woman to demand her sister’s divorce so that she may take her place and get married; she cannot have more than what is decreed for her.”

(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5144; Muslim, 1413).

I'm not posting it so much for the divorce part...but I didn't wanna copy/paste only part of it. The second part is mainly what I wanted to say though:

...she cannot have more than what is decreed for her."

InshaAllah we all have things decreed for us and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala may have decreed something for us that we dislike, but that may be better for us (alludes to a ayah in the Qur'an...."...and it may be that you dislike something good for you and that you like something which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know." (2:216)). I don't think any sister should worry about this because it's already been pre-decreed. Make du'ah that Allah gives you only what's best and good for you in this dunya and hereafter. I remember Jibrael 'alaihi salaam said to Rasulullah salAllahu 'alaihi wa salaam, "Love who you want in this dunya, O Muhammad. They will be of no benefit to you in the [Hereafter or Yawmul Qiyamah...I can't remember!]" So inshaAllah even if a husband and wife love each to death, it won't be of any help to 'em. Perhaps that as a reminder will help some sisters cope with it.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on it, dear sis. :) Anything I've said wrong is from myself and shaytaan and anything that I've said right is from Allah. Wallahu 'alam.


bint_habibullah

TaubaSeeker
09-13-2008, 05:34 PM
Masha'Allah Well Put Bint_Habibullah! So much wisdom and sincerity! May Allah Reward you and all of us with an increase in EMAN,Grant us AHSAN,Restore our SABAR,Delight us in Dhikr Bless us with TAQWA,Accept our Tauba &honour us with JANNAT Al Firdaws
Ameen

ola422
09-13-2008, 05:53 PM
A wife who does not wish to live that sort of lifestyle can a stipulation in her marriage contract that : IF Husband marries a second wife then he is to issue his first wife a divorce.

I have added this very stipulation in my own contract.
I thought that one cannot add stipulations because Allah allows it [with its procedures and responsibilities] and that there is no contract above what Allah (subhanahu wata 'ala) said.
WaAllahu A3lam.

zuhair.shaath
09-13-2008, 06:20 PM
A wife who does not wish to live that sort of lifestyle can a stipulation in her marriage contract that : IF Husband marries a second wife then he is to issue his first wife a divorce.

I have added this very stipulation in my own contract.What I remember from Chain of Command Sh. Muhammad Alshareef says that even if the stipulation isn't in the contract then the wife has that choice anyways. Maybe someone else could also elaborate if they know more about it. Allahu A'lam.

safa_709
09-13-2008, 06:25 PM
What I remember from Chain of Command Sh. Muhammad Alshareef says that even if the stipulation isn't in the contract then the wife has that choice anyways. Maybe someone else could also elaborate if they know more about it. Allahu A'lam.
This would be a great question for Sh. Yasir Birjas tomorrow for the Webcast :D

bint_habibullah
09-13-2008, 09:12 PM
I think what sister Oum AbdurRahman means the stipulation is NOT "I agree to not marry another wife while simultaneously being married to you" for the husband. Rather it is, "Should I marry another wife while still married to you, I will give you immediate consideration to a divorce if you so desire it."

We were going through Imam Bukhari's chapter of marriage at the masjid. One person asked about this and the teacher said the stipulation is not that she forbids him to marry another wife (because this is something that Allah has decreed), rather she wants an immediate consideration for divorce. I don't remember exactly if it was talaq or khul'a...

I found this on IslamQA (fatwa no. 5983) as part of an answer of a question someone asked, which may be of benefit inshaAllah. See below.

bint_habibullah
______________________________________
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked this question and he replied in Al-Fataawa al-Kubra:

“Question: a man married a woman and she stipulated that he should not take another wife or make her move from her house, and that she could stay with her mother, so he married her on this basis. Does he have to adhere to this, and if he goes against these conditions, does his wife have the right to annul the marriage or not?

Answer: yes, these conditions and similar ones are valid according to the madhhab of Imaam Ahmad and other scholars among the Sahaabah and Taabi’een, such as ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab, ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas, Shurayh al-Qaadi, al-Oozaa’i and Ishaaq. According to the madhhab of Maalik, the condition states that if he marries another wife, (the first wife) has the choice of what to do, and this is a valid condition. The woman has the right to leave him in this case. This is similar to the idea in the Madhhab of Imaam Ahmad. The basis for this is the hadeeth narrated by (al-Bukhaari and Muslim) in al-Saheehayn from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): ‘The most deserving of conditions to be fulfilled are those by means of which sexual intercourse becomes permissible for you.’ ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab said: ‘Rights are in accordance with conditions.’ The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) dictated that the conditions which make sexual intercourse permissible are more deserving of fulfilment than others. This is the ruling on conditions of this nature.”

AkheeAB
09-24-2008, 12:41 PM
Never Never Never! If he wants a second wife he can leave me. I'm willing to share anything in life but not a husband. (That's if I get married).
A woman’s being patient in obeying her husband is one of the means of entering Paradise, as it says in the hadeeth narrated by Ibn Hibbaan: “If a woman offers her five daily prayers and fasts her month (i.e., Ramadaan) and guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 660.

Her patience in putting up with her husband’s marrying a second wife will bring a special reward over and above that, for several reasons:

1 – Her husband’s marrying another wife is regarded as a test and trial for her, and if she bears that with patience she will have the reward for being patient in the face of a trial, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning”
[al-Zumar 39:10]

According to the hadeeth: “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allaah will expiate his sins thereby.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5642; Muslim, 2573, from the hadeeth of Abu Sa’eed and Abu Hurayrah.

Al-Tirmidhi (2399) narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Trials will continue to befall the believer, man or woman, concerning himself, his child and his wealth, until he meets Allaah with no sin on him.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 5815.

2 – If a woman accepts that and treats her husband and the other wife well, she will have the reward of al-muhsineen. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost”
[Yoosuf 12:90]

“Is there any reward for good other than good?”

[al-Rahmaan 55:60]

“And verily, Allaah is with the Muhsinoon (good-doers)”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:69]

3 – If she feels angry because of that, but she controls her anger – and controlling one's tongue is part of controlling one's anger – Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“…who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily, Allaah loves Al-Muhsinoon (the good‑doers)”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:134]

This reward is in addition to the woman’s reward for obeying her husband under ordinary circumstances.

A wise woman should accept whatever Allaah decrees for her, and she should realize that her husband’s marrying another woman is something permissible, so she should not object to it. It may be that this (second) marriage will make him more chaste and prevent him from doing something haraam.

It is very unfortunate that some women object less to their husbands doing haraam things than to their marrying another woman in a permissible manner. This is a sign of their lack of reason and religious commitment.

Women should follow the good example of the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and his companions, who were patient and sought reward even though many of them felt jealous. If your husband goes ahead and takes a second wife then you have to be patient and content and treat him well so that you can attain the reward of the patient and the doers of good.

Note that this life is the life of trials and tests, and how quickly it ends. So congratulations to the one who is patient in obeying Allaah in this life until he attains eternal delight in the gardens of Paradise.

And Allaah knows best.

hibahmac
09-24-2008, 10:50 PM
Interesting thread...I guess maybe it's not so relevant to the sisters living here? where it's in a non muslim country and therefore illegal to do such?
oh, but some do it here...they marry at the masjid but don't file with the state. in this way, they're straight before Allah but just not recognized legally.

in order to protect the 2nd spouse and ensuring children, they have bequests in the will to cover that end.

furthermore, there's nothing keeping two individuals from drafting a contract specifying agreed upon terms. it just wouldn't have the words 'marriage' or 'prenup' on it.

this is one right that some brothers are determined to enjoy one way or the other.

Generous_1
09-24-2008, 11:39 PM
Generally speaking there are a lot of men that can't handle polygamy despite 'having the need' to marry another especially those that have children. You just don't have to be balanced with the wives but you have to worry about your children also. They will have a step mother who more than likely will hate them. I know of a case where the man gets manipulated by his second wife to the point she has made him cut ties with his own children, they can't call his home. Cases like these are common place. Which leads me to question why some people choose to bring evil into the lives of their children? Subhanallah if anyone should be patient it's brothers like these. If you have a strong desire to get married again consider fasting. You'll be rewarded immensely for your patience and more importantly for looking out for your family.

Huru
09-25-2008, 05:26 PM
Salamu Aleikum,

Please can anyone tell me if a woman has right to refuse sharing the same house/home with her mate. Some brother force their wives to live together.

Hala
09-25-2008, 08:05 PM
You just don't have to be balanced with the wives but you have to worry about your children also. They will have a step mother who more than likely will hate them.
Actually, I don't believe that to be accurate. Most co-wives I know actually love the kids, after all, they are the siblings of their own kids! SubhanAllah, how can a mother have hatred towards her step kids?

Generous_1
09-26-2008, 12:22 AM
Actually, I don't believe that to be accurate. Most co-wives I know actually love the kids, after all, they are the siblings of their own kids! SubhanAllah, how can a mother have hatred towards her step kids?
I do agree there are good step mothers but that is a rarity. Perhaps the cowives you know fear Allah. I know everyone should strive to have taqwa but that is not true for most people. I'm sure you read the Qur'an. Majority of step moms and dads are horrible and to believe otherwise is a bit naive.

eternalmuslimah
09-26-2008, 02:51 AM
Im in agreement with you Halla, this is not a case of usual step parents - co-wives dont take on the responsibilty in one sense of the children as in 'normal' cases of step parents.

The majority of cases you will find the second, third, fourth wife etc will more than likey try to make an effort to build bridges but it is the first wife who will be apprehensive about this as she will feel she does not want them around her children, does not want them to spend time there etc, but on the other hand i know cases where this is not the case and the co-wives help each other with children duties etc.
i concur as well, this is what i've seen too

Generous_1
09-26-2008, 12:18 PM
Im in agreement with you Halla, this is not a case of usual step parents - co-wives dont take on the responsibilty in one sense of the children as in 'normal' cases of step parents.

The majority of cases you will find the second, third, fourth wife etc will more than likey try to make an effort to build bridges but it is the first wife who will be apprehensive about this as she will feel she does not want them around her children, does not want them to spend time there etc, but on the other hand i know cases where this is not the case and the co-wives help each other with children duties etc.
I find what you say more true for the reverts and regardless of the sequence everyone is building bridges. As for the non-revert sisters second wives usually want to take over the husband from his family. First wives are apprehensive due to family pressures and because of what others might say etc. I find with the born Muslimahs most cowives don't like each other depending on the their sequence anyway. Usually first wives are on good terms with the third most likely because she encouraged the husband to marry her after the second. And the second will encourage him to find a fourth. If they don't like each other it's expected they don't like each other's children.

Generous_1
09-26-2008, 06:20 PM
Sorry but i find this quite absurd. Any other wife not the first is constantly struggling to find her feet, be accepted etc the likely hood of taking over the man is very very slim, there may be cases but this generalisation i find shocking.

Also with regards to the first wife being apprehensve due to family etc, i think your missing the main point here, the main reason is she simply does not want another woman around, the family and others believe me come very much later.If a woman chooses to intrude into an already established family unit despite there being many unattached men, having to put up with such inconveniences is something that is her own doing. We can't feel sorry for that. I disagree that she is constantly struggling to find her feet and be accepted. Maybe at first but not all the time.


I took it for granted that not having another woman around being the main reason was understood. The added pressures of family and cultural traditions etc. are there for those who are not reverts. I say this because having observed the Muslim cultures residing in the west, not many of them look at pologymy favourably. More than likely this is an attitude they have brought with them from back home wherever that is.

Generous_1
09-26-2008, 07:55 PM
Since I'm fasting I'll overlook all the personal attacks. And don't worry I'm not offended in the least bit. That is your opinion and I respect it. The prophet sallalahu 3laihi wassalam married his wives because he genuinely cared for their well-being and wanted their situation to be better. If you revise the seerah you will see that they were widows, divorcees, revert women from other religions, war captives etc. His sunnah of taking care of less fortunate women by marrying them was continued by his companions,radiyallahu 3anhum. After the conquests and battles, there are a lot of widows and orphans polygamy is an ideal solution so everyone is taken care of. Polygamy done with the same purpose is noble. I would highly encourage for Muslim men to marry poor Muslimahs after the Iraq, Afghan war and such. Ofcourse I don't see these women as intruding because it is a necessity. And Allah is just because the men are still obligated to be balanced despite bettering their situation. Otherwise Allah highly encourages in the Qur'an to marry those who are single and virtuous. If someone is not doing this or getting into polygamy for reasons other than necessity then yes they are intruding.

People are always quick to defend their decisions because the sahaba did it, but because people do certain actions doesn't mean they do them as they were intended to be done. For such people then they should pay attention to the hikmah in this verse.

That was a nation who has passed away. They shall receive the reward of what they earned, and you of what you earn. And you will not be asked of what they used to do. 2:141

Generous_1
09-26-2008, 11:31 PM
Bint Bashir, ukhti your last post looks very much like the one I addressed before it. Looks like you are very passionate about the subject. and I must say you have interesting ways of interpreting things really. The prophet salallahu 3laihi wassalam married Aisha because he has seen different dreams where she was presented to him as a wife. This is the course of action Allah wanted him to take. Zeynab's story is another special case, radiallahu 3anhum ajma'een. Dreams are forms of inspiration for prophets. When you throw all these examples you have to understand that there are only so many parallels you can draw from the prophet's marriages because somethings apply to him and him alone.

What is really a sad state of affairs is that people find all sorts of excuses to get into a polygamy irregardless of whether they can handle it or not. That is irresponsible. Should a man marry again to protect his chastity(by the way this is a necessity) and risk coming walking lopsided in yaumal qiyamah because he has no idea how to be balanced and just? What about fasting as an option?

There many people (men and women) who pursue polygamy just to gratify their own desires but are falling very short of living up to the requirements. Just because people have the choice does not mean it's for them.

sirtal mustaqeem
09-27-2008, 11:31 AM
I think this thread should be moved to all exclusive "SISTERS ONLY" section. I think its time that the moderators create a section only for sisters and a similar section for brothers where they can comfortably and appropriately make posts that are related to their respected genders. Just a thought on my behalf.

p.s. Some other forums I visit have utilized this method and so I hope Al Maghrib can implement it too.

JazakumAllaahu Khairan

~Oum AbdurRahman~
09-28-2008, 06:32 AM
Someone in my husbands family who is very dear, and close to me, her husband married a women twice as young as they both are(they are in their late 40's). This other woman has caused so much sadness for the entire family. She would call my friends husband late hours of the night, in front of her. My friend could do nothing but cry and make dua'ah. She's devoted 25 years of marriage to this man, and has stood by him through many many trials. She stood by him even when he would mistreat her.

The kids are the ones who suffer in the end. When mom's not happy, they are not happy and cannot function and enjoy childhood as children should. It's a terrible terrible terrible ordeal, and my whole opinion about the polygany issue has changed since living here in Jordan. I think the situation is probably a tad bit different when polygany involves all parties who truely fear Allah. I think it can be harmonous only if piety is the theme of the day . Otherwise, a polyganous situation is a tragedy for a family if the people involved do not fear Allah, nor do they fear the concequences of the Calamaties of the Day of Judgment.

SubhanAllah, man is so weak. Yesterday I went to visit my husbands paternal Uncle. He had suffered a brainstroke that has left his entire left side of his body completely paralized.He cannot talk , nor even use the bathroom, nor does he eat. He lives only a few feet from the masjid, and cannot walk there anymore. Imagine, this man, can only pray with his eyelashes. Rahmah min Allah, however, imagine, being brought up that way on the day of Judgement? And the peculiar thing about this is this. The man who married the second wife, visits this paralized man everyday. " afalaa ta3qiloon?" Allah says that many times, over and over in the Qur'an after bringing examples of those nations who were destroyed before us, "Do they not think? Do they then not understand?"

May Allah help us, May Allah not put us to trial, Allahumma ja3lena bil ihsaan, wa laa bil imtihaan, AMEEN.
If we could only truely understand the concept of the fact that Allah is Witnesses and sees all things hidden and open: When shall we understand. Especially at a time, when many of the signs of the Day of Judgement have become suddenly appearant. Do these men, considering second wives, not realize that death is near? That in the end, nobody will come running after them, there will be no beautiful women, no one to bring them their socks and clean up after their dinner, do they not think???? The grave is a cold cold lonely place for sinful, proud, evil soul. Cold, scary, and full of terrifying occurances. Do they not ponder?

mahmoudm
09-28-2008, 08:12 AM
Do these men, considering second wives, not realize that death is near? That in the end, nobody will come running after them, there will be no beautiful women, no one to bring them their socks and clean up after their dinner, do they not think???? The grave is a cold cold lonely place for sinful, proud, evil soul. Cold, scary, and full of terrifying occurances. Do they not ponder?if those men weren't just and treating their wives equally. Otherwise may Allah protect them and have them firm into treating all of their wives with respect and equity.

Generous_1
09-28-2008, 05:14 PM
I think this thread should be moved to all exclusive "SISTERS ONLY" section. I think its time that the moderators create a section only for sisters and a similar section for brothers where they can comfortably and appropriately make posts that are related to their respected genders. Just a thought on my behalf.

p.s. Some other forums I visit have utilized this method and so I hope Al Maghrib can implement it too.

JazakumAllaahu KhairanSome of us may not find this topic as useful or applicable but it concerns both men and women equally. And considering that the administrator and moderators remove inappropriate posts that break forum rules and lock threads that aren't going anywhere, I would say gender specific sections are really not needed.

Samira
10-01-2008, 02:10 AM
As salaam aleykum sisters,

I have experienced being in a marriage where there are more women involved and what i have seen of it is, that when the people involved are not religious it effects every single person.

And it is hardest on the man. And men arenot happy in these kind of marriages, except if they are religious and wont tolerate backbiting of wife number 1 about wife number 2 or 3 and so on. But if men do tolerate these kind of things and cant solve these issues between the women, they get very unhappy themselves.

And you can tell, from the way they act, they wish they hadnot married that many women, but what can you do when there are kids involved they just have patience, but if they could rewind everything many of the men wouldnot marry more women, because its just hard on their emaaan.

You have to solve problems between these women all the time.
Its just tiring.

Was salaam aleykum

Asha
10-02-2008, 09:14 PM
As salaam aleykum sisters,

I have experienced being in a marriage where there are more women involved and what i have seen of it is, that when the people involved are not religious it effects every single person.

I have to agree to this! I was just talking to this shaykhs wife the other day and she brought up how she use to want her husband to marry another woman. She said when he left literally every weekend to lecture and study she used to get so bored and lonely that she wished their was a co wife she can hang out with and have fun. She is a good muslim sister who has been married to her husband for decades.

I nearly busted out laughing but i was driving and I didn't want to get her and myself hurt :) I told her how thats exactly how i felt. When i do get married and if my future husband is interested in marrying another woman or if i married a man and i was his 2nd wife, I would first hope and pray she is a religious sister and that she would welcome me with open arms or at least half open arms lol! I would do the same if i was in that situation, the brother does have to be a practicing one who knows that he has to treat us fairly or the situation of polygany is not going to work out for his wives.

I know I might get a little jealous but i look at this way if the Muhammad SAW wives could do it then inshAllah i am only looking into following their footsteps in handling situations like that. But i do know somethings are not meant for everyone.

Wallahu Alam!

ikbenidil
10-03-2008, 05:19 PM
my answer would have been yes if we lived in a just sociaty and everyone was sincere, however in the time that we now live in ,,, unfortunately most people are not sincere and marry for other reasonss and usually neglect the rights of the first wife and this is a thing that is wide spread in our ummah....

rana06
10-05-2008, 12:06 AM
why even start a thread like this???

mahmoudm
10-05-2008, 07:34 AM
why even start a thread like this???I don’t know but maybe because statistics of the number of men and women in the world are kind of scaring people,

In 1993 in Atlanta, Georgia the ratio of man to woman was (1 to 7).

In 2006 in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia the ratio of man to woman is (1 to 5).

Maybe that’s why the thread was started. Allahu’alam. But I was thinking why not let all the single brothers get married first then the ones which are already married can think of a second wife.

rana06
10-05-2008, 01:06 PM
I agree, there are so many singles out there, let them get married first and then the others can have their seconds if they wish....

mahmoudm
10-31-2008, 04:56 PM
I agree !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!you are too young for this lol

aaa
10-31-2008, 05:44 PM
I don’t have any problem knowing that marrying more than one wife is halal as long as the wife is fine with it. But just thinking about it, why would a guy want to marry more then one wife? I would understand if she can’t have kids, other than that…wouldn’t the husband have more responsibility on him….

I’m really interested in knowing why guys really want to have more than one wife…

For me personally I can’t imagine having another female sharing my husband…

Verb
11-02-2008, 08:55 PM
I agree, there are so many singles out there, let them get married first and then the others can have their seconds if they wish....I agree

and pricelessmumina do you text a lot? haha because you're pro when it comes to short forms. masha-Allah

Monazza
11-10-2008, 01:37 AM
Walaikumsalaam Wa Rahmatullah.

I will be totally honest and say that I wouldn't let my husband and take a second wife because I wouldn't be able to share even a tiny piece of him. Alhamdulillah, he also has no interest in taking a second wife! :)

Monazza
11-10-2008, 01:39 AM
Oh yeah and I should add that it was part of our marriage contract. :p

Naima Abdulkadir
11-10-2008, 09:17 AM
it was part of our marriage contract. :pI had no idea MO :)

Monazza
11-11-2008, 02:11 AM
LOL Naima why do you keep posting "I had no idea MO" after every time I post when you know everything?! :p

AkheeAB
11-11-2008, 08:57 AM
Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly:

We do not know of any saheeh evidence which refers to the reward mentioned, but al-Tabaraani narrated from Ibn Mas’ood that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has decreed jealousy for women and jihad for men, so whoever bears that with patience out of faith and in the hope of reward will have a reward like that of a martyr.” This hadeeth was classed as da’eef (weak) by al-Albaani in Da’eef al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 1626.

Secondly:

A woman’s being patient in obeying her husband is one of the means of entering Paradise, as it says in the hadeeth narrated by Ibn Hibbaan: “If a woman offers her five daily prayers and fasts her month (i.e., Ramadaan) and guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 660.

Her patience in putting up with her husband’s marrying a second wife will bring a special reward over and above that, for several reasons:

1 – Her husband’s marrying another wife is regarded as a test and trial for her, and if she bears that with patience she will have the reward for being patient in the face of a trial, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning”
[al-Zumar 39:10]

According to the hadeeth: “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allaah will expiate his sins thereby.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5642; Muslim, 2573, from the hadeeth of Abu Sa’eed and Abu Hurayrah.

Al-Tirmidhi (2399) narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Trials will continue to befall the believer, man or woman, concerning himself, his child and his wealth, until he meets Allaah with no sin on him.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 5815.

2 – If a woman accepts that and treats her husband and the other wife well, she will have the reward of al-muhsineen. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost”
[Yoosuf 12:90]

“Is there any reward for good other than good?”

[al-Rahmaan 55:60]

“And verily, Allaah is with the Muhsinoon (good-doers)”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:69]

3 – If she feels angry because of that, but she controls her anger – and controlling one's tongue is part of controlling one's anger – Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“…who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily, Allaah loves Al-Muhsinoon (the good‑doers)”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:134]

This reward is in addition to the woman’s reward for obeying her husband under ordinary circumstances.

A wise woman should accept whatever Allaah decrees for her, and she should realize that her husband’s marrying another woman is something permissible, so she should not object to it. It may be that this (second) marriage will make him more chaste and prevent him from doing something haraam.

It is very unfortunate that some women object less to their husbands doing haraam things than to their marrying another woman in a permissible manner. This is a sign of their lack of reason and religious commitment.

Women should follow the good example of the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and his companions, who were patient and sought reward even though many of them felt jealous. If your husband goes ahead and takes a second wife then you have to be patient and content and treat him well so that you can attain the reward of the patient and the doers of good.

Note that this life is the life of trials and tests, and how quickly it ends. So congratulations to the one who is patient in obeying Allaah in this life until he attains eternal delight in the gardens of Paradise.

And Allaah knows best.

ummiefatima
11-11-2008, 06:55 PM
erm...i believe the answer would be a 'no' :)

Aalia
11-12-2008, 07:27 AM
It would be interesting to find out how many women would be willing to marry a guy who already had a wife, and then compare that to the number of women willing to share their husbands.

Naima Abdulkadir
11-12-2008, 09:10 AM
It would be interesting to find out how many women would be willing to marry a guy who already had a wife, and then compare that to the number of women willing to share their husbands.



I would really like to find out this as well. I guarantee you the ones that won't let their husband marry will be more than those that will :)

aaa
11-12-2008, 03:36 PM
It would be interesting to find out how many women would be willing to marry a guy who already had a wife, and then compare that to the number of women willing to share their husbands.
I would not marry a guy who already got a wife....just personal preference; I won’t like sharing my husband with some other lady.

subhanallah but then you see women that go out and pick another wife for their husbands..(That’s called brave)

Aalia
11-12-2008, 04:22 PM
subhanallah but then you see women that go out and pick another wife for their husbands..(That’s called brave)
Some would call it loving for their sister what they love for themselves.

mahmoudm
11-12-2008, 06:01 PM
Some would call it loving for their sister what they love for themselves.
الله اكبر

يؤتي الحكمة من يشاء

aaa
11-12-2008, 07:15 PM
Some would call it loving for their sister what they love for themselves.i didnt mean it in a bad way..what i meant is i wish i had the same courage as those women have...and ya mashallah you made a great point.

rana06
11-12-2008, 09:23 PM
Some would call it loving for their sister what they love for themselves.
Now that is a high level of ihsan :)

iss ME! zahweee!
11-16-2008, 07:20 PM
Assalamualaikum!

i just wnt 2 mk 1 short point,sistrs who dn't lik their hubbys 2 b shared(tht mns it is applicable 2 me as wll,i mn in future!!!) thy should tk cre nt only of their husbnds but tk cre of thm as wll.remembr,whn Aisha(r) was used to beautifies herslf once in a while 4 rasool(saw)?do tht somtim & mk sure tht whn ur husbnd com bck 4m outside aftr a busy day he cn't gt the smell of onion 4m ur body but the nice smell of perfumes inshAllah!it wn't tk 2 mch time!no time 2 tk a bath aftr cooking???........no problem!deodornt is waiting 4 u!it's all abut ur intention.if u wnt to revive the romance tht u used 2 hv whn u wre newly mrried thn u hv 2 wrk 4 it somtim.mst of the tim childrns & househld wrks kp us so busy tht we dn't get engh tim 2 thnk abut our hubbys & later on we blame thm tht they r nt romntic anymor!!tht's nt fair sis!tht's nt fair at all!

jazakAllah khair(4 listening my lecture)!!may Allah kp us romantic(wthin mrrge) evrytim!ameen..........say ameen!
ummm i'd like to buy a vowel for my sis here? :p just teasing

excellent point though.. some gals think the "getting dressed up for your husband" is just for the first few months or years.. but your husband deserves that from you all the time... how can we hate that his eyes should wander, yet give him nothing to look at when he gets home? definitely something to ponder married sisters!

spana3rabia
11-18-2008, 03:10 PM
Lol u girls are funny. ^


I am not sure where you find the personal attacks, if being told that women who take part in polygany are not intruders is an attack on you, then I’m sure they will also feel the same way. And I speak to myself as I speak to you we should always speak with hikmah.

Our Prophet (S) married all these different type of women as He (S) was our example to mankind so during his life he covered every type of marriage, such as divorcee, young, old etc but you will find He (S) also married Aisha RA who was a virgin so we now have an example of how to handle all situations.

It is a great misconception that polygany is there for only the reasons you mention, such as after a war it being noble, rather it is a choice men are given and the only conditions upon it are that the wives are treated equally and correctly, nothing else.

Yes no one denies marrying a sister in need is a noble act but does not mean men who marry a single sister without such needs within polygany are not noble men. So now you suggest that the women are intruders for not having a necessity and the men are not noble as the woman is single and not from a situation such as war? Again I refer you to the case of Aisha RA she was not of any of the need you have mentioned and I assure you she was neither an intruder nor the Prophet suffering from the lack of nobility. Do you also intend to apply this theory to Aaisha RA?

Men who feel they will commit zina are encouraged to marry again, it is a sad state of affairs when a woman would rather her husband commit zina and feel the flames of the hell fire than guard his private parts by marrying again whether it be to a woman of necessity as you call it or a single woman, and this choice Allah has bestowed on him because Allah knows His slaves weaknesses best and thus gives then a way through His mercy to save themselves from the hell fire.

Please do not judge your sisters on your opinions, and labelling them as intruders is just that, nor mark out who is noble or not because they choose to follow what Allah has allowed. I do wonder though how the women are intruding when it is the man who chooses to bring the sister into his life, she certainly can’t marry him without him agreeing. It takes a strong, patient and pious woman to accept polygany willingly and a strong, patient and pious woman to engage in polygany willingly.

And Allah knows best may He protect us from the evils within our own chests.

subhanAllah..Ameen! JazakiAllahu kheiran, we rarely hear this viewpoint from a fellow sister.....makes me wonder if a brother is really behind this account(I kid!)
It really is a matter of being patient with what Allah decrees. Everybody has their tests...who knows what Allah is going to test each one of us with...we just got to make dua for Allah to protect us from going astray coz if you think sharing your hubby is the end of the world, now losing your deen is really thebigger deal...and thats something no muslimah wants so we should be thankful for that and what Allah has granted us so He can increase us in favor insha'Allah!

asker
12-12-2008, 04:47 PM
Originally Posted by ~Oum AbdurRahman~
A wife who does not wish to live that sort of lifestyle can a stipulation in her marriage contract that : IF Husband marries a second wife then he is to issue his first wife a divorce.

I have added this very stipulation in my own contract.Dont u think you would be better with half a husband than with no husband? What if something happens to you and your husband cannt enjoy his wife, do u think he will have double thaughts of marrying another one? whatever little husband u could have had if you became a co-wife, with your "smart" conract you are left with nothing.
If Allah has given us the right to do that why do you go against it? I have no clue of how painful it might be but consider yourself divorced or alone for the rest of your life because there arent enough man to marry everysingle woman. I am sure you wouldnt mind being a 100th wife if that was allowed.

Be honest with yourself.