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mutawakilah*3la allah
11-30-2008, 11:00 PM
What are some ways one could deal with if one’s spouse, brother/sister, father...etc was angry or was not in the best mood? I want to know how you would like to be treated if you were angry. Would you want someone to just stay quiet even if you’re talking non sense? Or would you like someone to answer back on every comment you say? Or what? Basically how you would want a person to treat or reply back to you.

For me I’m not sure if this is the best way but when my brother gets mad he starts talking and tries to get me to back talk, but what I do is stay silent as if there’s no one there.

I’m not sure if that drives guys crazy, would that be the incorrect approach to someone who is angry and if yes what are some ways one can deal with an angry brother/sister, spouse, parents and etc…

I’m not sure if I made sense, sorry

AkheeAB
12-01-2008, 08:41 AM
Praise be to Allaah.



Allaah has commanded us to honour our parents and treat them kindly in word and deed, and he has forbidden us to offend them in word and deed, even in the slightest manner.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

24. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.’”

[al-Isra’ 17:23-24]

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised us not to get angry, i.e., to avoid the causes that lead to that and to be careful of what may result from that.

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Advise me.” He said: “Do not get angry.” He repeated his question several times and he said: “Do not get angry.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5765.

The Muslim should be above getting angry for his own sake or for the sake of anyone other than Allaah, because that may lead to regrettable consequences either in this world or in the Hereafter, or in both.

Ibn Muflih al-Hanbali said:

‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: It may be known whether a person is really patient at the time of anger. And he used to say that the beginning of anger is madness and the end of it is regret, and anger cannot be justified by offering a humble apology. Calamities may come because of anger. It was said to al-Shu’bi: Why is a person who is quick to get angry also quick to calm down, and the one who is slow to get angry is slow to clam down. He said: Because anger is like fire; that which is easier to start is easier to extinguish.

Al-Adaab al-Shar’iyyah, 1/183

If something happens to a Muslim that makes him angry, he should remember the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Do not get angry,” as if the hadeeth applies directly to him. And he should remember that Allaah has commanded him to treat his parents well and has forbidden him to offend them, as if he has heard that from Him directly.

There are means of soothing anger if it arises, which will enable the one who does them to cure himself of anger and its effects. Al-Maawirdi mentioned a good number of them when he said:

“Remember that there are means of soothing anger if it arises, which a person may use to help himself become patient. These include:

1 – Remembering Allaah, which should make him fear Him; this fear will motivate him to obey Him, so he will resume his good manners, at which point his anger will fade.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And remember your Lord when you forget”

[al-Kahf 18:24]

‘Ikrimah said: i.e., when you get angry. And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And if an evil whisper comes to you from Shaytaan (Satan), then seek refuge with Allaah”

[al-A’raaf 7:200]

i.e., if the Shaytaan makes you angry – then seek refuge with Allaah, for He is the All-Hearer, All-Knower – i.e., He hears the ignorance of the ignorant and He knows the things that take anger away from you.

One of the wise men said: Whoever remembers the power of Allaah will not use his own power to wrong the slaves of Allaah. ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Muslim ibn Muhaarib said to Haroon al-Rasheed: “O Ameer al-Mu’mineen, I ask You by the One before Whom you are more insignificant than I am before you, and by the One Who has more power to punish you than you have to punish me: why don’t you let me off?” So he left him off, because he had reminded him of the power and might of Allaah.

2 – He should get out of the situation he is in, so that his anger will dissipate because of his moving away from that situation.

It was narrated that Abu Dharr said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to us: “If one of you gets angry when he is standing, let him sit down, and if that does not take away his anger, then let him lie down.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 4782; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

3 – He should remember what anger leads to of regret and the need to apologize.

One of the literary figures said: Beware of the pride of anger, for it leads to the humiliation of apology.

4 – He should remember the reward for forgiving others and of being tolerant, so he should force himself to overcome his anger, seeking that reward and so as to avoid deserving blame and punishment. Raja’ ibn Haywah said to ‘Abd al-Malik ibn Marwaan, when he had the power to capture some of his enemies: “Allaah has given you the victory that you wanted, so give Allaah what He wants of forgiveness.” A man said something that ‘Umar ibn ‘Abd al-‘Azeez disliked to hear, so ‘Umar said: “You wanted the Shaytaan to provoke me because of my position so that I would be harsh with you and in return you would harm me tomorrow (i.e., on the Day of Resurrection). Go away, may Allaah have mercy on you.”

5 – He should remind himself of the way that people like and respect him, and he should not risk losing that because of his anger, so that people change their minds about him. He should know that by forgiving people he will only increase the respect with which they view him.

As the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah will not increase a person who forgives others except in honour.” Narrated by Muslim, 2588.

And one of the poets said:

“It is not a trait of nobility to be swift in seeking revenge.

And generosity does not lead to a loss of blessings.”

Adab al-Dunya wa’l-Deen, p. 258-260.

Abdullaah
12-01-2008, 10:22 AM
What are some ways one could deal with if one’s spouse, brother/sister, father...etc was angry or was not in the best mood?
Buy them gifts --- Chocolates for sist's and gadgets for bro's......works most of the time..... http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon10.gif

Naima Abdulkadir
12-02-2008, 09:40 AM
When I am angry with my siblings, I like to be left alone. Talking to them while I'm angry can get very problematic, lol. But when I'm angry with my parents, I'd rather talk to them and clear things up. I hate staying mad with my parents, even if I feel it's their fault. I can never get angry with my mom for some reason. Alhamdulilah we have a wonderful relationship.

I hate showing my anger towards anyone though, I try to be happy around my friends even if I am angry, but there are times when you can't, so I try not to be around them during those times.

As for crying, I'd have to be really hurt to do that.

I'm not a fan of candy or chocolate, so my family know never to get me that stuff- especially if they're trying to cheer me up.

Another thing that helps me when I am angry is crying LOL. I know, I know it's not cool to be crying when your angry, but it actually helps sometimes. Sometimes if you cry it out, within a matter of hours, everything is fine again and you won't have to beat yourself up over how you feel.

I'm not married, but I would imagine that if a husband went out and bought his wife a nice hijab and a card for each time he upset her, everything would be alright. Well that's my $.02, take it for what it's worth.

Naima Abdulkadir
12-02-2008, 09:54 AM
That's how I am too.MashaAllah Ahlam, btw I have a niece named Ahlam ;)

zuhair.shaath
12-03-2008, 06:18 AM
Personally in my humble opinion I think it is best to approach a person when he/she is anger and try to understand their situation. Try to understand what caused them to get angry/ upset, and help them redirect that “negative energy” of anger so to speak in a positive manner. It can be worse is they keep that anger bottled up.

Just as a side don’t approaching them authoritatively but rather just as someone who genuinely wants to hear them out so listen to what they have to say, let them vent all they can then simply advice them. http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon7.gifI think it depends on the person. If someone is left alone and they're fine after a few minutes of reflection then let them reflect.

brother_bruce
12-03-2008, 08:49 AM
For me I’m not sure if this is the best way but when my brother gets mad he starts talking and tries to get me to back talk, but what I do is stay silent as if there’s no one there.

I’m not sure if that drives guys crazy, would that be the incorrect approach to someone who is angry and if yes what are some ways one can deal with an angry brother/sister, spouse, parents and etc…


Its generally best to keep silent. Responding with a running commentary is satisfying to both parties in the short run, but ultimately escalates the conflict.

Naima Abdulkadir
12-03-2008, 11:52 AM
Its generally best to keep silent. Responding with a running commentary is satisfying to both parties in the short run, but ultimately escalates the conflict.

Agreed.

The last thing you'd want is your spouse to remind you of something regretful you said in the heat of the moment. Keep quite, give it some thought, and then talk about it. (sh Muhammad Alshareef advised something similar for when you want to send a heated response to en email- save it as a draft and give it 2 days.)

SiBgha_z
12-03-2008, 11:57 AM
If you like to be quiet while you're angry, then that is the best route to take because the last thing you want to do is say hurtful things you don't mean. If this results in bottling up your anger & exploding days or even months later, then the best approach would be to actually express your emotions and feelings while cutting out saying nonsensical, hurtful stuff, to the person you are upset with.

What I have seen is that the latter approach works best even though it's the hardest for those who are used to keeping quiet while going thru an angry or sad stage. However, it's also the best approach to air out any negative vibe you are feeling towards the other person. When you resolve that conflict, a lot of misunderstandings are cleared out and you see the other person in a new light. By keeping quiet and letting your anger escalate you end up making (sometimes wrongful) conclusions about the other's personality.

wAllahu 'Alam

Naima Abdulkadir
12-03-2008, 05:41 PM
no one says mashAllah to me!!!wy???it's nt my fault tht u dn't hv any niece named 'pricelessmumina'!!!!







just kdding!
Hahaha... What to do? ;)

SagalShirdon
12-04-2008, 12:14 AM
My husband was just sharing a hadith related to this topic. The Prophet (saw) and Abu Bakr (ra) were sitting amongst a group of people who were insulting Abu Bakr. Both the Prophet (saw) and Abu Bakr (ra) remained silent. Eventually Abu Bakr (ra) responded to their insults and the Prophet (saw) walked away. Abu Bakr then asked the Prophet why he left once he started defending himself. The Prophet (saw) told Abu Bakr when you remained silent the angels were defending you but when your responded satan appeared so I left.

(Sorry I don't have the exact hadith with me at the moment.)

Asha
12-04-2008, 02:11 AM
If you like to be quiet while you're angry, then that is the best route to take because the last thing you want to do is say hurtful things you don't mean. If this results in bottling up your anger & exploding days or even months later, then the best approach would be to actually express your emotions and feelings while cutting out saying nonsensical, hurtful stuff, to the person you are upset with.

What I have seen is that the latter approach works best even though it's the hardest for those who are used to keeping quiet while going thru an angry or sad stage. However, it's also the best approach to air out any negative vibe you are feeling towards the other person. When you resolve that conflict, a lot of misunderstandings are cleared out and you see the other person in a new light. By keeping quiet and letting your anger escalate you end up making (sometimes wrongful) conclusions about the other's personality.

wAllahu 'AlamJazakhAllahu kheir this thread is a great benefit for me.

I know what you mean Sr. Sadaf, its generally best to air out the problem but giving it sometime to think over before you accidently explode is wise as well.

I have looked at my issue as a bad thing for awhile but alhamdulilah its a blessing in disguise for the most part. I am one of those people who dont look like they might not a senstive person but truly little things sometimes get to me, things you may not think twice about or words you choose to speak to me or someone else with that is disregarding other persons feelings erk me. What i am trying to say is instead of speaking out and having a seat down with that person i tend to hold it in and let it bother me for a day or less then really and alhamdulilah the next day i seem to forgotten what the issue was and move on with my life. Only a few incidents in my life have i ever held in something and have let it get to me for too long, even then i move on WITHOUT the other person even knowing i was hurt and didnt trust that person anymore or questioned their friendship.

InshAllah I can stay this way for the rest of my life, but i am also being much more outspoken about how i feel when issues come up. :)

Just my thoughts
Wa Allahu Alam