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muslimaah
12-19-2008, 09:52 AM
assalamu alaikum

I just thought of answering this (http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=28687)question in a new thread.

disclaimer: i'm ranting and not going to proof read anything..

the question was would i let my husband take a second wife.

my answer: yes. i would. i dont mind him marrying another woman at all. as long as his intention is to take care of a divorced/widowed woman and to honor and take care of her by marrying her. I dont understand where the opinion of 'becoz one woman is not enough for some guys' came up from. the Quran says men can marry 4 women, for me the interpretation of that ayah is as how it was practiced in the times of nabi salAllahu 3layhi wasallam. him and the sahabas married to honor women and to protect them and thir children. they understood the fitnah of women staying unmarried and the effects it has on kids..so they implemented the law. if my future husband wants to follow the sunnah and take up another wife, i dont care, as long as he can support her and the kids. i do understand where women are coming from when they say they cant share their husbands with another woman. believe me i have to be the most jealous and possessive woman out there- i dont even like it that my maternal cousin resembles my mom more than i do. in fact no one can guess i am my parents daughter. all my siblings look like either of our parents, i'm the different one-to the point that growing up my brother always used to tease me that i was lying on the streets back home and my parents decided to adopt me. back to the topic, i really dont care being in a polygamous marriage. i love kids, and i would love the other women's kids and help her take care of them too. why have women become so selfish today? isnt part of being a muslim loving for others what you love for yourself? our poor divorced/widowed sisters have no choice but to go back to work to support their kids and it's really hard being a single mom. esp in the world we live with all the fitan around us. since when did we look up to marriage to find complete happiness and hamrony? why isnt Allah enough anymore? why are women so selfish and men dont want to marry a *experienced* women either? what would have rasulAllah think of us of he were to see us now? where are brothers of our ummah to protect their women?

so yes i wont mind my future husband taking up a second wife, in fact i will encourage him to inshAllah...if he can afford to. and i'll be honest and admit, it does sometimes hurt to think of sharing my man with someone else, but life is hard. and we are told the rewards are great inshAllah.

Naima Abdulkadir
12-19-2008, 11:03 AM
assalamu alaikum


so yes i wont mind my future husband taking up a second wife, in fact i will encourage him to inshAllah...if he can afford to. and i'll be honest and admit, it does sometimes hurt to think of sharing my man with someone else, but life is hard. and we are told the rewards are great inshAllah.MashaAllah, I've never met anyone like you sis. May Allah reward you.

I also don't mind marrying a guy with another wife, but my family wouldn't let me :). I have to please my family. I actually considered marrying one before, but couldn't do it because of family. :)

Even after I get married, my parents and rest of my family wouldn't be happy about this, so I wouldn't want to be part of it. It's not something you have to do, so if you avoid it's not haram.

Where I come from, it's very common for men to marry more than one, but there are a lot of women that do crazy stuff to the other wife, when they find out.

I know some men won't and can't treat both women equal, and this is something I am afraid if my husband wanted to practice polygamy.

For those sisters that say NO they can't see their husbands marrying another woman, it's not upto you. He can marry womever he wants and there is nothing you guys can do other than asking for divorce. Now if you had kids, would you ask your husband to divorce you just because he married another women? think about it.

Naima Abdulkadir
12-19-2008, 11:20 AM
well,my family will not allow me as well!

i think,if your husbnd want to marry som1 thn you should not say 'no' to him as it will be a silly thing to do because ... i think i said it already in that thread.
There is nothing silly about pleasing your parents :)

Now, I know you will say, well your husband comes first, I don't know about this since I am not married, I have to learn more about the rights of your husband and I also have to be married in order for me to understand this.

All I know is my parents are the most important people in my life now, and I will do my best to please them even after I get married inshaAllah.

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 11:26 AM
my parents wont let me marry an already married guy either. but the question was would YOU allow YOUR man to marry another woman. until today i thought no way, i was like i would rather stay unmarried for the rest of my life, but ive personally seen a dear sister go thru a very painful test of losing her husband. nobody wants to marry her. why? is it her fault that he died in an accident? it's really sad and the more i think of it the more selfish i feel. i know its very hard for a woman to see her man with another woman, but isnt life?

Naima Abdulkadir
12-19-2008, 11:31 AM
my parents wont let me marry an already married guy either. but the question was would YOU allow YOUR man to marry another woman. until today i thought no way, i was like i would rather stay unmarried for the rest of my life, but ive personally seen a dear sister go thru a very painful test of losing her husband. nobody wants to marry her. why? is it her fault that he died in an accident? it's really sad and the more i think of it the more selfish i feel. i know its very hard for a woman to see her man with another woman, but isnt life?SubhanAllah, this is really sad story. May Allah give her patience and may she find a good husband that will please her. Ameen

I also know a dear sister who's husband married a younger sister and now he spends more time with the younger wife. His first wife just had a baby and he doens't even visit her. Also he didn't tell his first wife he was getting married to another woman. The younger sister also didn't know he was already married. He's married to both sisters and only stays with one :(

May Allah guide these kind of men. I believe this is one of the reason many sisters are afraid of letting their husbands marry another woman.

Naima Abdulkadir
12-19-2008, 11:33 AM
Hey!I didn't say this is silly to please your parents!lol

Who dsn't lov to please his/her parents?!!lol.... read my answer again.i edit it.now it will be easier to understand inshAllah!I know sis, that's why I have this :).

It would be nice if you can please both of them.

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 11:33 AM
it's also true that i'm feeling very emotional at the moment. ive personally seen a sister i know very well who had to see her husband dying. its not like when i meet a prospect the first question i will pop up would be will you marry another woman? but i would want to know his views on polygamy. oh and you cant marry 2 women in this country (from what i know)..that's another story. but inshaAllah i hope i will be rewarded for my intention.

Naima Abdulkadir
12-19-2008, 11:36 AM
that's another story. but inshaAllah i hope i will be rewarded for my intention.You can, you just can't marry both legally :). I know one uncle in my community that has 4 wives and 3 of them are in the same city.

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 11:37 AM
SubhanAllah, this is really sad story. May Allah give her patience and may she find a good husband that will please her. Ameen

I also know a dear sister who's husband married a younger sister and now he spends more time with the younger wife. His first wife just had a baby and he doens't even visit her. Also he didn't tell his first wife he was getting married to another woman. The younger sister also didn't know he was already married. He's married to both sisters and only stays with one :(

May Allah guide these kind of men. I believe this is one of the reason many sisters are afraid of letting their husbands marry another woman.thats why i talked about the examples of rasulAllah salAllahu 3alayhi wasallam and the sahabas. where are the MEN of our ummah?

Naima Abdulkadir
12-19-2008, 11:53 AM
Well,i am not against marriage of single mothers.infact,i would love to see them getting married with someone who are already married with sisters who have big heart like you(muslimah,naima) but i would not lik to get married again neither i will like any sister to come in between me and my hubby!so,believe me,i want my single mom sisters to get married & live happily where you guys r there to welcome them but not somewhere else where someone narrow minded like me is already living.i can't evn imagin how will i hear or see that my hubby is pampering,taking care of someone else!!i don't like it man,i don't like it!I really don't know about this. I mean I am not married now so it's easy for me to say yes I am ok with this. I can only know when I get married inshaAllah. This goes for all the sisters that say they would let their husbands marry another wife. You will never know how this feels unless you get married.

Naima Abdulkadir
12-19-2008, 11:55 AM
Well,i am not against marriage of single mothers.infact,i would love to see them getting married with someone who are already married with sisters who have big heart like you(muslimah,naima) but i would not lik to get married again neither i will like any sister to come in between me and my hubby!so,believe me,i want my single mom sisters to get married & live happily where you guys r there to welcome them but not somewhere else where someone narrow minded like me is already living.i can't evn imagin how will i hear or see that my hubby is pampering,taking care of someone else!!i don't like it man,i don't like it!I never thought about this walaahi. I'll have to think about this LOL.

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 12:18 PM
I really don't know about this. I mean I am not married now so it's easy for me to say yes I am ok with this. I can only know when I get married inshaAllah. This goes for all the sisters that say they would let their husbands marry another wife. You will never know how this feels unless you get married.if i meet a righteous guy who is willing to marry another woman for the sake of honoring and providing for her and her kids, (and not becoz he needs another woman to fulfill his desires) then i really dont mind. its true u never know unless you get married, but the chances of me being in a polygamous marriage are really low seeing there are hardly any real men in our ummah anymore. i would have loved to live as a co-wife with the ummahtul mu'3mineen though..

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 12:22 PM
I think any brother who can practice polygamy in the way prescribed by the Quran and Sunnah is probably at a higher level of iman then most brother that only marry one but probably not what is actually happening. I don't really think this issue needs to be discussed unless you are discussing the guideliness and pitfalls. We should fear making something haram that is halal. People are entitled to their preferences too and should make their preferences known when looking into a spouse. I wouldn't trust most of these brothers though, I hear too many bad stories, just make sure they are on their deen.thats right, i can stop dreaming abt a man who'll balance all his wives needs physically and emotionally . it aint gonna happen. there are no anbiya or sahabas anymore..

kako12
12-19-2008, 01:16 PM
I see this thread kind of biased or should i say sexist. Generalized statements are being made about men and how there is no one who truly wants to marry more than one woman for the sake of Allah and to follow the sunnah of Rasulllah SAW. Ofcourse the men of this era can not be compared to anbiya and sahaba, but there are plenty of god fearing brothers who are striving in the path of allah and trying to help out the widows/divroced.
Lets not generlize

kako12
12-19-2008, 01:21 PM
i wish i could go straight away to the jannah and dn't get married here.if Allah wants nothing is impossible.Be careful what you wish for.

kako12
12-19-2008, 01:42 PM
i didn't get youRefer to brother saliks post above

kako12
12-19-2008, 02:03 PM
be optimistic and place full tawakkul on Allah. Do your part of living a righteous life and leave the rest to Allah. Thats the key to success

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 02:47 PM
I see this thread kind of biased or should i say sexist. Generalized statements are being made about men and how there is no one who truly wants to marry more than one woman for the sake of Allah and to follow the sunnah of Rasulllah SAW. Ofcourse the men of this era can not be compared to anbiya and sahaba, but there are plenty of god fearing brothers who are striving in the path of allah and trying to help out the widows/divroced.
Lets not generlizei'm sorry, there are no sahabiyat either. i dont intend to turn this thread into a bros vs sisters one but from my experience, there are definitely more practicing sisters than the brothers. go to any lecture/class, and you see sisters about 2x the no. of guys. Allahu 3alam.

Nadeem R
12-19-2008, 02:59 PM
I wanted to disagree with this claim that there are more practicing sisters than brothers.





Sisters tend to be more vocal, so that creates an illusion of "more." Whether at a seminar or on the forums.




If you look at Islamic organizations, and institutes as a whole, you would see how in other circles the brothers outnumber the sisters. (i.e. the Al-Baseerah crew)


Brothers in general may be 'practicing' but just not as dedicated to taking seminars or attending lectures as sisters are. This begs the question, what is meant by practicing?

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:03 PM
alright, let me re-frame that. there are definitely more visible practicing sisters than visible practicing brothers.

kako12
12-19-2008, 03:03 PM
i'm sorry, there are no sahabiyat either. i dont intend to turn this thread into a bros vs sisters one but from my experience, there are definitely more practicing sisters than the brothers. go to any lecture/class, and you see sisters about 2x the no. of guys. Allahu 3alam.Firstly attending lectures/classes does not make one pious . Secondly If you go to any tafseer/hadith halaqas in masajids, you will definitely find more brothers than sisters. Maybe the brothers can not attend because they are busy earning for the family.
Through out the world you will definitly see more males seeking knowledge than females. Walahu Alam.

kako12
12-19-2008, 03:06 PM
alright, let me re-frame that. there are definitely more visible practicing sisters than visible practicing brothers.Well the non visible practicing brother dont need to come out. They are keeping their connection with allah secretly

Nadeem R
12-19-2008, 03:08 PM
so there are more invisible practicing brothers than visible practicing sisters?

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:09 PM
well,i dn't think it would be a good idea for sistrs to ask bros before marriage that whethr thy wnt to get married again & make a decision based on his answer bcz imagin,sis 'h' asked any bro that questn before marriage and he answered her 'nooo,u will be my only wife' & then after some years if she comes to know that bro startd liking some1 else then should she stop him to get married again only bcz he gave the wrds??if she does so then i will ask her whats the point u r stopping him to get married again while he has strtd liking som1 else?there is no point u are stopping him to marry that sistr & mking him 'bichara'(poor)!if sis 'h' does so thn that bro will hate her more!so,whats the point you are making your preferences known when looking into a spouse(bro salik i am not arguing with you.i am just saying)??
if the guy said he wont take another wife before marriage, then he must keep his word .you can always make that part of your marriage contract to be on the safe side.
Prophet http://muttaqun.com/graphics/saaws-long.gif said: ‘The most deserving of conditions to be fulfilled are those by means of which sexual intercourse becomes permissible for you. i.e marriage.

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:11 PM
so there are more invisible practicing brothers than visible practicing sisters?Allahu 3alam but this is like one of the biggest problems many sisters face while looking for a spouse.

Nadeem R
12-19-2008, 03:13 PM
There are two issues at hand. Firstly, violating something in the contract. Secondly, can this be put in the contract to begin with. As for the first, it is obvious that something in the contract should be upheld. As for the second, it is not a right to be dropped when it is given by Allah (swt), wallahuAlim.

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:13 PM
hopefully if you are a sister you see more practicing sister and if you are a brother you see more practicing brothers. In islam we tend to separate the brothers and sisters so you may not see what is going on with the other side. probably..

kako12
12-19-2008, 03:16 PM
if the guy said he wont take another wife before marriage, then he must keep his word .you can always make that part of your marriage contract to be on the safe side.
Prophet http://muttaqun.com/graphics/saaws-long.gif said: ‘The most deserving of conditions to be fulfilled are those by means of which sexual intercourse becomes permissible for you. i.e marriage.regarding the clause in marriage contract. I know so many brothers and myself included who will back away if the sister want to include the condition of only wife in their contracts. Not that they all intend to marry more than one infact they say they wont but they never want the god given right of polygamy taken away from them.

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:17 PM
There are two issues at hand. Firstly, violating something in the contract. Secondly, can this be put in the contract to begin with. As for the first, it is obvious that something in the contract should be upheld. As for the second, it is not a right to be dropped when it is given by Allah (swt), wallahuAlim. you can state that you wont live in a polygamous marriage and if that happens you have the right to seek khula. Allahu 3alam.

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:21 PM
regarding the clause in marriage contract. I know so many brothers and myself included who will back away if the sister want to include the condition of only wife in their contracts. Not that they all intend to marry more than one infact they say they wont but they never want the god given right of polygamy taken away from them.no one's taking the right away. stuff happens and some women only want to secure their lives..

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:24 PM
i think both sides are same because i have seen same amount of bros are coming out from tayyibuns classes or after jumuah(u knw most of the sistrs dn't get outside just after the prayer bcz thre is male crowd) at two different times!see,i know bcz i wasn't there in the class/mosque!right. maybe it's bcoz we are so super segregated..sometimes you have difficulty in recognizing your own guy cousins!

Nadeem R
12-19-2008, 03:25 PM
When it comes to this fear of sisters or strong disliking towards their husbands seeking a second wife, I would hope that when two people get married they are mature enough to discuss this issue and come to an agreement and a mutual understanding.

But I'm curious, from a fiqhi p.o.v. is it permissible for a woman to seek khula on those grounds?

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:29 PM
i think sometimes its because our parents dn't allow us to get there & seek 'islamic' knowledge because they think this is too much or unnecessary!i am saying from my own experience while i am dying to attend tayyibuns classes(i have saved enough money for that u know) but can't even tell them.how true..you dont know how much i wanted to go study in um al qura university in makka. alhamdulillah my parents never stop me from gaining 3ilm but y'know traveling w/o mahram.. those kinda issues..

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:33 PM
But I'm curious, from a fiqhi p.o.v. is it permissible for a woman to seek khula on those grounds?

yes it's permitted. go google.

muslimaah
12-19-2008, 03:41 PM
he should keep his word sis but what about his emotions?can he controls his feelings for other sis?if he can't control his feelings then wats the point his frst wife stopping him from getting married again?i think it will be a mental 'dhulm' on 'bichara' brother & 'bichari' herself as well.she knows his spouse likes someone else but he can't get married only bcz she didn't give the permission,is she less under pressure then her spouse???lol you worry too much. keep makin du3a. may Allah grant you a pious, monogamous husband ;P.ameen

bint_habibullah
12-19-2008, 03:50 PM
When it comes to this fear of sisters or strong disliking towards their husbands seeking a second wife, I would hope that when two people get married they are mature enough to discuss this issue and come to an agreement and a mutual understanding.

But I'm curious, from a fiqhi p.o.v. is it permissible for a woman to seek khula on those grounds?
That's a good question, mashaAllah. In the masjid they were doing commentaries on Saheeh Bukhari Chapter of marriage. One class was devoted straight to this question of "Is it ok to have a clause that says that a brother may not marry a second wife?"

The answer was no woman can make impermissible for a man what Allah made halal. That being said, there CAN be that clause because at that moment agrees "I will not marry another woman." Should the brother later on marry another wife, he breached the marriage contract, right? Therefore, that would be the grounds for the woman to have a khula. **

^^ That is my shortened version of the answer. If you want the answer from a scholar to read for yourself, then go to IslamQA and search question reference number 5983.That's a good explanation by what the scholars say.

**At least, that's according to Imam Maalik and Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal.

Wallahu 'alam.

In all honesty, dear brothers and sisters, whether or not polygamy will take place Allah has written in your qadr. Don't worry about it inshaAllah. Just make the best use of your time and increase yourself in 'ibaadah. Allah provides what is best for you, and on no soul does Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala place a burden more than it can bear. :)

Sr.Sara
12-20-2008, 02:51 AM
That's a good question, mashaAllah. In the masjid they were doing commentaries on Saheeh Bukhari Chapter of marriage. One class was devoted straight to this question of "Is it ok to have a clause that says that a brother may not marry a second wife?"

The answer was no woman can make impermissible for a man what Allah made halal. That being said, there CAN be that clause because at that moment agrees "I will not marry another woman." Should the brother later on marry another wife, he breached the marriage contract, right? Therefore, that would be the grounds for the woman to have a khula. **

^^ That is my shortened version of the answer. If you want the answer from a scholar to read for yourself, then go to IslamQA and search question reference number 5983.That's a good explanation by what the scholars say.

**At least, that's according to Imam Maalik and Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal.

Wallahu 'alam.




Just to elaborate a bit, in Usool Al-Fiqh we learned that it's permissible for a woman to put in her marriage contract that she doesn't want her husband to marry a second wife and if he does, this gives her the right to make kul'a.

The fact is that if the brother agreed to this, it's not making marrying a second wife HARAM. It is a condition. And it's not obligatory for a man to marry more than one wife, so it's up to him if he agrees on those terms. If he marries a second wife after he's agreed, he's not sinning. It would just establish the wife's right to initiate a divorce.

Wa Allahu A'lam.

Sr.Sara
12-20-2008, 02:59 AM
I'd just like to share a story that I read once.

There was once a husband and wife who were married for 12 years. During the course of those years, they had many problems in conceiving a child. They kept trying, making du'a, but to no avail. So in this struggle, the wife, knowing how much her husband wanted to have children, would urge her husband to marry another woman, who could give him children insha'Allah.

Many times, out of his great love for her, he refused.

Finally, at the end of the 12 years, she convinced him to marry another woman.

So he married and alhamdu lillah, shortly thereafter, she became pregnant.

9 months later, she was in labor.

Amidst the great pains of labor, she made du'a that the first wife would become pregnant.






And very soon after that, she did.

SubhanAllah.

That story makes me feel like crying. It's amazing subhanAllah.

Whenever I think about it, I think, May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make us from amongst people like these who have so much reliance on Allah and so much taqwa. Ameen.

Rizak
12-20-2008, 03:13 AM
SubhanAllah, I have to say I am very surprised to read this right now. I just want to share my thoughts on it.

Although I consider it to be something very honorable to do in terms of being that responsible and providing emotional, physical and finiancial support. That's something I wouldn't be able to do.

Another thing is, I don't really know how to explain it but I wan't to be married to a woman who wants me just for herself.

muslimaah
12-20-2008, 03:51 AM
mashaAllah what a story sr.Sara! Ive been told (not sure if its true) when a woman makes du3a while in labor Allah accepts it right away. but subhanAllah what eman and taqwa that woman must have to make dua3a for her co-wife..may Allah grant them the highest place in jannah, ameen.

muslimaah
12-20-2008, 04:02 AM
also, to make myself clear (ive been posting away like crazy yesterday..and most of it was based on emotions..hey dont give me that look, i'm a woman, that's how Allah created us alhamdulillah), the default for me is monogamy. however i was answering the question sister khawlah asked on there i.e would you let your husband take a second wife. my answer is yes, if he wants to help a dovorced/widowed sister. just like rasulAllah salAllahu 3alayhi wasallam. he married sawdah radyAllahu 3anha when she was well over 70's. she couldnt even walk subhanAllah but our nabi salAllahu 3alayhi wasallam married her to honor her. i dont want any future husband of mine to walk up and tell me he wants to marry again bcoz i aint enough. that would be like a slap on my face..so the default is monogamy unless i come across a sister who needs help and marriage is only the solution for her and her kids.


Another thing is, I don't really know how to explain it but I wan't to be married to a woman who wants me just for herself.most sisters if not all want a man just for themselves. someone who'll have eyes only for them. someone who'll father only their kids. and thats the way ummahatul mu3mineen felt as well. women you know..but that didnt stop them from being just with each other. part of being a muslim is loving for others what you love for yourself.

muslimaah
12-20-2008, 04:43 AM
adatse majboor hoo'(muslima,if you r not desi & dn't know wat i am saying thn tell me.i'll explain inshAllah) sis!i can understand urdu.

Rizak
12-20-2008, 04:50 AM
hey!what do you mean by 'women you know'??men can't even tolerate that their wives praising someone else rather thn their husbnds u knw!then men try to find any bad side of the othr bro u knw(i know practising bros wouldn't do that but it will hurt them for sure) and try to prove that they are better thn the other bro!i have seen it many times and i dn't think thre is anythng wrng inshAllah!it shows how much he wants you,solely.

as for the last line,well i want something for my sistrs exactly wat i want for myself and i dn't wanna get married again with a bro who is living wth his wife and children.As a guy, I have to agree. I don't mean I backbite brothers or anything but a part of me would just feel like a little jealous kid if I were to hear my wife praise another guy.

muslimaah
12-20-2008, 04:59 AM
as for the last line,well i want something for my sistrs exactly wat i want for myself and i dn't wanna get married again with a bro who is living wth his wife and children.your getting it wrong. if you love for yourself to be be married happily with kids and everything then love that for your sister in Islam too. if you see a sister having a hard time marrying again, be generous and Allah will reward you. wAllahu 3alam