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Lunah
01-09-2009, 04:22 PM
I'm considering it. The only thing is that he wants to keep it a secret for now from the family, friends, and his wife. I know he would tell when he felt the time was right, and that others would know except for them. I just wonder about keeping it secret at all.

He's never lied to me that I know of so I don't think he's trying to be sneaky. I just think he feels the time is not right to tell them, as he is a newleywed. We were engaged for 2 years but the family didn't accept me to be his first wife. I am a few years older, not of his culture, and I am divorced. They wanted him to marry within his country and a young virgin; most likely to save face in the village. I don't know if they will accept me for his second wife. There is the possibility though, as they do still like me. I think the big issue here is that he is a newlywed and his wife is pregnant.

I have considered carefully all that goes with being a second wife. I am more concerned with keeping it a secret, if only for a while, and what kind of ramifications could come of it.

I have talked to my Imam who knows all the little details and situation. He has advised me to go through with it. I have prayed Istikhara, and am still praying it.

Lunah
01-09-2009, 05:52 PM
Thank you Pricelessmumina. :)

aminah.
01-09-2009, 06:30 PM
I'm going to have to agree with pricelessmumina. Either have sabr and wait until the right time comes along or just look for someone else. Think of the outcome, if his first wife finds out that he was secretly married to another woman, even if she is okay with him having more than one wife it will still put damage in their relationship because he didn't share that with her. Personally, I wouldn't go through with it because if he isn't sharing this information with his first wife, what about everything else? But thats just my opinion, I dont mean it to be offensive ukhti, I just have your best interest in mind. By keeping the marrige a secret wouldn't it be violating the rights of the first wife in some way? And anways, you shouldnt have to hide it. If your parents are okay with it then khalas, all you do is wait for him.

But i seriously think you shouldnt do it secretively.

I hope my advice was of benefit to you, may Allah guide you to what is best!

Lunah
01-10-2009, 01:37 PM
If you dn't mind me saying sis then I would like to suggest you somthng.... plz dn't mind.tak it as ur younger sister's suggstn & 4gv me if I hurt you in anyway.Isn't it better to move on & find another pious bro?I m sure there must be many bros out there who would lov to marry my sweet sis.why do you need to mak ur options difficult?anyway,end of the day its ur life.u knw better wat to do.if I hav hurt u then my apologies.it wasn't my intentn.I was just saying there are many other options available to mak ur life beautiful inshAllah!may Allah bless you sis!ameen.lov u for the sake of Allah & again 4giv me if I hav hurt u.I m really sorry.I never answered this. Sorry. :(

It is hard to move on because we have been in love for 3 years, and were trying to marry for 2 years. There is just that connection between us. Like soulmates. Neither of us has experienced what we have before each other. We tried to break up for a year but the feelings are still there and just as strong. They don't seem to want to go away.

I've found many who would marry me, but I can't. I need that connection. Also, me being American and not having grown up Muslim, I'm just used to seeking a potential husband in a different way. I have a hard time with arranged marriages. Not that that is good. It isn't. But it's hard to change your mindset. And after I've seen what I've seen about people being forced or given ultimatums to marry within certain criteria or be disowned, I'm really having a hard time with arranged marriages. I know not all are this way, but this is just my experience. So I'm having to get over that, and see things differently. So, I'm in the process of getting over my experience and trying to see arranged marriages as a good thing.

All that and I've only been a revert for about a year and half. So there is a lot that is new to me. I'm trying to change my way of thinking about certain things. I just think it will take a lot of time to totally reprogram, so to speak.

Thanks for your reply. I'm grateful for all the honesty. :)

aaziz
01-10-2009, 03:05 PM
Assalamualaikum..

I read your issue, and I sympathized with your doubts, and only thought that your fiance might be a very pious muslim man to be so accomodating..

But that lasted only a little while, till something else clicked in my head.

I am from India. I would like to make you understand what it looks like on the other side of your story..

In India, a new way of looking for a spouse is the Internet and the many Matrimony websites.. Arranged marriages are very very common especially among muslims here.. so the parents and families are now the ones putting up the profiles for their children..

When they're looking for the perfect bridegroom, invariably more than 90 percent of the men responding are from outside India. This could be because many studied abroad, and work there now, or are working there on some sort of permit, and the men generally prefer working in other countries like the US because of the higher salaries.

These prospective husbands are referred to in my part of the country as "US Mapplai" - mapplai meaning bridegroom. And this term also implicitly meant that the man was well settled, and he earned tons, and he was going to demand/get a handsome dowry (opposite to Mehr).

Not anymore.

Google the name "Smalin Jenita" and read the first article from the Frontline newspaper. Read it entirely, and concentrate on the part after the second photograph, where it talks about "Foreign mapplais" and their extra marital relationships. This case does not involve a second wife. But almost all other cases that I have heard of do.

Families in India are now extra cautious about giving their precious virgin young village-brought-up and innocent daughters to NRIs (non resident indians) because of the fact that most of the men abroad seem to have another woman (sometimes white) already in their life, either married ,girlfriend in love, or engaged. So now we employ Detective agencies to check anyone thoroughly before we give our sisters to those living abroad. These men are a disgrace to their families and their communities only because of their LIES and PRETENCE.

This man from abroad visits his hometown, and is taken to the prospective bride's home by his family to see the girl. He FAKES it through to appear like an innocent virgin never-spoke-to-a-woman man. His own family testifies to this because they are unaware of his truth. He then talks to that young girl, giving her and her family dreams of being in a foreign beautiful country. And then the dowry that he would "earn" from this marriage would also be discussed. Since he is probably on his 3 week vacation, the deal is quickly finalised, a date is set, and the elaborate and EXPENSIVE Nikah is done, and consummated.

Many of these kind of men, generally leave their newly wed wives behind pregnant, and go back abroad to frolic with the other woman. He's richer now because of the dowry. This leaves the other woman with her in-laws back in India who ill-treat her for more dowry and treat her like a MAID in the house to do all the chores. And some men take their wives abroad with them, to shock them there with the truth of the other woman, and leave them with no options at all. This tricked girl wouldnt dare tell her family back home because of the shame that she will bring, the dowry money that wouldnt be returned, or whatever reasons you can imagine. Slowly he would probably ignore this girl because he finds the other woman more "interesting".

The fact that you have posted on AlMaghrib, and that you have consulted the Imam etc makes it seem that your husband might be more pious and better in character than the men I mentioned above.

But if it was my sister who married your husband and you were the other woman in his life who he never mentioned, I would be furious and very worried about my sister's well-being.

May Allah guide you to the truth and cause you to take a good decision.

Lunah
01-10-2009, 03:32 PM
Thanks for your reply aaziz. Yes, I agree there are many of these men out there. But I don't really think it applies to us. I have nothing to offer this man. He can't get a visa, money, or anything from me. I would get a dowry, not him. He could lose his family over this. So it has to be love, and wanting to care for me? What else reason could there be?

He is also Egyptian, so he wouldn't get a dowry. He has to give one. I've known him and his family for a few years now. But thanks the same for your post. :)


Assalamualaikum..

I read your issue, and I sympathized with your doubts, and only thought that your fiance might be a very pious muslim man to be so accomodating..

But that lasted only a little while, till something else clicked in my head.

I am from India. I would like to make you understand what it looks like on the other side of your story..

In India, a new way of looking for a spouse is the Internet and the many Matrimony websites.. Arranged marriages are very very common especially among muslims here.. so the parents and families are now the ones putting up the profiles for their children..

When they're looking for the perfect bridegroom, invariably more than 90 percent of the men responding are from outside India. This could be because many studied abroad, and work there now, or are working there on some sort of permit, and the men generally prefer working in other countries like the US because of the higher salaries.

These prospective husbands are referred to in my part of the country as "US Mapplai" - mapplai meaning bridegroom. And this term also implicitly meant that the man was well settled, and he earned tons, and he was going to demand/get a handsome dowry (opposite to Mehr).

Not anymore.

Google the name "Smalin Jenita" and read the first article from the Frontline newspaper. Read it entirely, and concentrate on the part after the second photograph, where it talks about "Foreign mapplais" and their extra marital relationships. This case does not involve a second wife. But almost all other cases that I have heard of do.

Families in India are now extra cautious about giving their precious virgin young village-brought-up and innocent daughters to NRIs (non resident indians) because of the fact that most of the men abroad seem to have another woman (sometimes white) already in their life, either married ,girlfriend in love, or engaged. So now we employ Detective agencies to check anyone thoroughly before we give our sisters to those living abroad. These men are a disgrace to their families and their communities only because of their LIES and PRETENCE.

This man from abroad visits his hometown, and is taken to the prospective bride's home by his family to see the girl. He FAKES it through to appear like an innocent virgin never-spoke-to-a-woman man. His own family testifies to this because they are unaware of his truth. He then talks to that young girl, giving her and her family dreams of being in a foreign beautiful country. And then the dowry that he would "earn" from this marriage would also be discussed. Since he is probably on his 3 week vacation, the deal is quickly finalised, a date is set, and the elaborate and EXPENSIVE Nikah is done, and consummated.

Many of these kind of men, generally leave their newly wed wives behind pregnant, and go back abroad to frolic with the other woman. He's richer now because of the dowry. This leaves the other woman with her in-laws back in India who ill-treat her for more dowry and treat her like a MAID in the house to do all the chores. And some men take their wives abroad with them, to shock them there with the truth of the other woman, and leave them with no options at all. This tricked girl wouldnt dare tell her family back home because of the shame that she will bring, the dowry money that wouldnt be returned, or whatever reasons you can imagine. Slowly he would probably ignore this girl because he finds the other woman more "interesting".

The fact that you have posted on AlMaghrib, and that you have consulted the Imam etc makes it seem that your husband might be more pious and better in character than the men I mentioned above.

But if it was my sister who married your husband and you were the other woman in his life who he never mentioned, I would be furious and very worried about my sister's well-being.

May Allah guide you to the truth and cause you to take a good decision.

aaziz
01-10-2009, 03:36 PM
Oh, i re-read your post, and you're not even officially engaged to him anymore... Wrong of me to call him your fiance, and in one instance even "husband".. my bad..

aaziz
01-10-2009, 03:52 PM
you said.."He's never lied to me that I know of so I don't think he's trying to be sneaky."

How do you think it's ok if he lies and is sneaky with his first wife? his family? her family? and friends!?

even if he claims it is for a while... would you be alright if he came up to you now and said there is a third woman in the picture that you didn't know about?

I am not being judgemental of anyone here. I am only forcing you to think of the pain of his wife when she finds out. And I remind you that I am Indian, so only familiar with women who are in favour of a monogamous life, who would probably be upset about this. I don't know how open the Egyptians are towards Polygamy. We don't get the full picture from your post. How is the wife? Have you met her? What about her family? etc etc

you also said - "He could lose his family over this."

I don't think anyone would want that to happen. Please see this discussion
http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=31013&page=1&pp=10

And I am actually afraid of speaking against a genuinely righteous deed - So I ask you to forgive me, and May Allah forgive me too if I uttered something wrong..

Lunah
01-10-2009, 03:57 PM
Oh, i re-read your post, and you're not even officially engaged to him anymore... Wrong of me to call him your fiance, and in one instance even "husband".. my bad..No problem. :)

Lunah
01-10-2009, 05:09 PM
Assalamualaikum!


I know its really hard to move on but sis whn you 2 wre in 'love'(which was haram u knw.anyway,its a gone case now as u wre not practising nor even muslim.ok dn't think that I m judging u.I m just saying) then his first wife (who is pregnant u said) wasn't involve there but now she is his wife and I dn't think she wll be happy after knowing that when she was going through unbelievable,constant pain her husband got married secretly.subhanAllah!how can he play wth her emotion?!!!thats really rude 4 me.if you get married in this way then in a way u'll break ur sisters heart.just imagine 4 a second that u r in her place.would you tak it so easily?!I would nevr tak it easily.I can't evn imagin whn I m sick my hubby is enjoying othr sisters company!it just shws how much he lovs her(that bros frst wfe)!its a cheating 4 me subhanAllah!I knw it wasn't his fault as his parents forced him to do so but now his first wfe is concerned subhanAllah!its not only abut u & him.u knw most of the sisters dn't like their hubby to be shared(like me,too possesive!lol).I think she wouldn't also lik it.so,do u think it would be fair to break ur sisters heart,mak her wounded for the whole life & build a new 'happy family' for urself???trust me,it won't happen so easily.sisters tears r too precious subhanAllah!I understand ur situatn.Its really hard,almost impossible 4 u to think abut living without him but sis this is life!if we wre to get here whatevr we want then Allah could place us in paradise,not in this filthy world.u knw,Allah tests whoevr He lovs & if u dn't get that bro here then plz dn't be soo sad.whatevr happns,happns 4 the best.this is life.

Anyway,do u think life would be so easy after marrying that bro??honestly speaking(pllllllz dn't get hurt),I dn't think it would be sooo shiny & rosy!I dn't evn think ur in-laws will tak it so easily bcz if they wre to be happy to get their son to b married interculturally thn they could welcome u as his frst wfe as well!its not abut 'frst' or 'secnd',main thing is they dn't want to get out of their culture & they still have to go to their village.so,most probably they'll not be so happy if this relatn goes further.the most importnt thing is that whn his frst wife is involved,I dn't think it would be a right decision to accept this proposal(specially whn there r many bros eager to hav u.I would suggest to pray istekhara abut another bro & move on.that feelings wll come slowly slowly inshAllah & if it dsn't come then try to mak ur hubby happy so that u can make it to jannah & meet that egyptian bro there.this life is just a drop of n ocean and the endless ocean is the hereafter.may Allah mak us patient & hasten our meeting in Jannah wth whomevr we want!ameen.say ameen!)ok,pllllllllz dn't get hurt.it just my perception & u dn't hav to thank evryone individually for posting!lol!


..........& again plz dn't start any debate 4m my post evryone!take care!I know this isn't exactly the nice thing to say, but when are me and him to be considered? :(

Lunah
01-10-2009, 05:12 PM
Assalamualaikum!


u dn't hav to thank evryone individually for posting!lol!


..........& again plz dn't start any debate 4m my post evryone!take care!Oh I know. :) I just wanted to reply to that.

Shukran. :)

Lunah
01-10-2009, 05:31 PM
Who are we to judge him. It is his right from Allah to marry again if he chooses. He is after all a Muslim man...

..........& sis u are true!arranged marriage is not good always as u hav to do something which u dn't want to do,u hav to get the control over somthng(heart) which is not in ur hand.may Allah ease ur pain & make it easy 4 u!ameen.

........& if that bro is dam care abut his family then why didn't he do that when he wasn't married???I wish I could ask him.he has no right to hurt his wife 4 no valid reasn.she didn't knw wats in his mind.he can't punish her like that.if he couldn't mak it then khalas!he should finish it there.how dare he continue this relatn secretly after marriage?I knw he can marry again & again but secretly?!!!commn sis,u r a kind,sweet sister!u knw wat I'm talking abut!

aaziz
01-10-2009, 05:31 PM
you could get more opinions..

http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=30899

http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=28687

Lunah
01-10-2009, 05:52 PM
Oh my sweet sis!I consider u most importantly!u r the most important one in my mind now,ok?!sis I told u this is life.I knw its really painful 4 u but wat else can u do?!u can't break ur sisters hom & build one 4 u,can u?.....& I told u as prophet(saw) said this life is like a drop from the ocean.this world is not believers destination sis.we aim 4 the greater one which is paradise.just try to mak it inshAllah & enjoy that bros company there inshAllah!this life is a prison for a believer.so,we'll be tested untill we mak it to Jannah!may Allah grant u jannatul Ferdous!ameen..........& I can assure u that u are not the only1 here who isn't able to get her 'soulmates' company!there r many & as they r the believer those bros/sis r trying to be patient.may Allah mak it easy 4 u!ameen.You believe in polygany?

What if he cheated on her later because he had that void and was trying to fulfill it? Wouldn't it be better to marry than to do that? I'm not saying he would. I'm just stating a different scenario.

Who are we to judge why he's wanting this, the ones involved, or what would happen? We cannot judge because we are not Allah. If polygany was wrong then it would not have been blessed. There are reasons for it. Taking care of a divorced woman with kids is one of them. I mean that is after all what he's wanting to do, not just marry me for sex or anything. Love just happens to be part of the equation. What we are considering is not wrong.

Lunah
01-10-2009, 05:53 PM
ohho!did I judge him???then I m sooo sorry but I would say the same thing if my own bro was in his place!....& u r true!he is a man & to prove that (plz dn't get hurt) I think he shouldn't get married secretly.I m sorry if I m judging him again.Sorry I just saw this after I posted.

Lunah
01-10-2009, 06:13 PM
subhanAllah!when did I say its wrong to marry a divorced woman???I never said that.nvr mind but I dn't think u r reading my posts wth concentratn.sis first of all I hav to say I m not here to argue wth u abut anythng nor to prove polygamy is wrng!!!most probably u read my posts in other threads =D)!I nevr said he shan't marry u becoz u r divorced(remembr I askd why didn't he do it b4 marriage.so,this is certainly not in my mind.wats the guaranty tht we'll not be in ur place 2mrrw?!may Allah protect us all.ameen) or he shan't go for 2nd marriage(well,I m certainly not going to judge any bro for that but only my hubby=D!) or polygamy is wrong(wastagfirullah!I m not a kafir) but I m only saying that he shouldn't do it secretly as it could be bad 4 ur in future.anyway,plz dn't get me wrng.I m not judging anyone & again(for the 9th tim I m saying may b) I m only giving my views.dn't get the wrong idea plz!Ok :)

Generous_1
01-10-2009, 08:12 PM
No offense to you sister but it comes off as if you love this man more than you love yourself. You seem to be doing things for him that he is not doing for you, like holding off marriage. It is easy to blame his family, but if he really wanted to marry you and felt as strongly about you he would have done it instead of stringing you along this long. His newlywed that means honeymoon phase for him with a child on the way, people don't marry and have kids with people they don't care about. Secret marriage is a shady deal and you shouldn't do it. You shouldn't even consider being his second wife much less his secret second wife. Trust me you would lose more than his current altho it seems you don't care if she loses anything at all. If you are a divorcee with children I would strongly advocate for you getting back with the father of your children if he isn't a horrible person that is.

bint_habibullah
01-10-2009, 10:18 PM
As salaam 'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu sister :)

After reading your first post, I don't understand what are you asking? Do you want advice? Or something else? It's not very clear.

Lunah
01-10-2009, 10:33 PM
As salaam 'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu sister :)

After reading your first post, I don't understand what are you asking? Do you want advice? Or something else? It's not very clear.Yes, advice. Just wondering what people thought....

Lunah
01-10-2009, 10:48 PM
No offense to you sister but it comes off as if you love this man more than you love yourself. You seem to be doing things for him that he is not doing for you, like holding off marriage. It is easy to blame his family, but if he really wanted to marry you and felt as strongly about you he would have done it instead of stringing you along this long. His newlywed that means honeymoon phase for him with a child on the way, people don't marry and have kids with people they don't care about. Secret marriage is a shady deal and you shouldn't do it. You shouldn't even consider being his second wife much less his secret second wife. Trust me you would lose more than his current altho it seems you don't care if she loses anything at all. If you are a divorcee with children I would strongly advocate for you getting back with the father of your children if he isn't a horrible person that is.Yes I do love him. No offense either. :) But you don't seem to know much about the small farming villages of Egypt. The people there are very traditional, and the families would rather save face than let their kids marry their choice if they thought their status would be affected. In fact, they threatened to disown him. So it was not as easy as you think. Not everyone disobeys their parents and does what they want. He felt it is wrong in Islam to not obey his parents. That he would go to hell if he did, and something was to happen to them. That is a very common mindset where he is from.

His was an arranged marriage. He never met her except for one day before they got engaged. Many marry when they are not in love. They choose best they can(mostly the family chooses), and hope it comes later. I asked him why he didn't just explain that he loved me. He said he did, but they don't understand love. They understand tradition, culture, status, etc.... So you really don't know his intentions and shouldn't be judging him or me.

Why would you recommend me getting back with the father of my children? We are divorced. There obviously must have been a good reason/s. Besides, he is a Christian and it is forbidden in Islam.

But I do appreciate your honesty. Thanks for that. :)

bint_habibullah
01-10-2009, 11:15 PM
Oh ok, alhumdulillah. :)

Do not worry about what people think. What is destined for you is destined for you, dear sister. May Allah have mercy on your marriage and put barakah in it.

A LOT of people make fuss about oh first wife, second wife, etc. A wife is a wife. She gets the same treatment as all her co-wives. Because Allah decreed that he (your husband) married someone else first and then you second, does not make you or ANY second wife bad. Same goes for the husband - let NO Muslim think bad of a man with two or more wives. May Allah reward him for entering the marriage and put much barakah in it. Put your trust in Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala, especially since you've already made istikhara. Indeed, the best counseling is that which is from our Rabb. Alhumdulillah.

You probably know it's not easy (emotionally especially). May Allah make you of those who are patient. Ameen. If people are making your re-think your decision do not worry about it. It IS halal, alhumdulillah, and they are infested with modern day culture of "the other woman." A man IS capable of loving two or more women. As for us (women) personal tastes, we do like a man to ourselves, but khair inshaAllah. Whatever is from Allah and His qadr we accept and Allah knows best for us. Alhumdulillah.

There are actually some books/blogs/polgany support groups, where you can get better advice. I would advise asking questions there on their forums. People here are mostly unmarried, newly married or something of that nature. I feel it would be unjust to ask advice from a group of Muslims like us. We do not have that much experience on the matter and cannot give a real perspective.

My advice is stick to your decision, encourage him to make sure he's being equal now that you are his wife. Polygany is not all fun and games. There are serious consequences a man faces when he is unjust to either of his wives. Do the research inshaAllah. May Allah have mercy on your husband and keep him steadfast and not short in rights to both you - ameen.

It takes a very unique and selfless person to accept sharing a person. May Allah reward you. One thing I've heard about polygamous marriages is that everyone in it, for it to work smoothly, HAS to keep and maintain their connect with Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala and keep on the deen. Otherwise, it does not work if the sisters and brother involved are not religious.

I suppose that's all I can say. :) May Allah bless this marriage. 'Aisha and Hafsa were not the best of friends at first but they turned out to be in the end. Try to over time be friends with your co-wife. I've read books about polygany and it's a beautiful relationship between co-wives. Alhumdulillah.

Lunah
01-10-2009, 11:19 PM
Oh ok, alhumdulillah. :)

Do not worry about what people think. What is destined for you is destined for you, dear sister. May Allah have mercy on your marriage and put barakah in it.

A LOT of people make fuss about oh first wife, second wife, etc. A wife is a wife. She gets the same treatment as all her co-wives. Because Allah decreed that he (your husband) married someone else first and then you second, does not make you or ANY second wife bad. Same goes for the husband - let NO Muslim think bad of a man with two or more wives. May Allah reward him for entering the marriage and put much barakah in it. Put your trust in Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala, especially since you've already made istikhara. Indeed, the best counseling is that which is from our Rabb. Alhumdulillah.

You probably know it's not easy (emotionally especially). May Allah make you of those who are patient. Ameen. If people are making your re-think your decision do not worry about it. It IS halal, alhumdulillah, and they are infested with modern day culture of "the other woman." A man IS capable of loving two or more women. As for us (women) personal tastes, we do like a man to ourselves, but khair inshaAllah. Whatever is from Allah and His qadr we accept and Allah knows best for us. Alhumdulillah.

There are actually some books/blogs/polgany support groups, where you can get better advice. I would advise asking questions there on their forums. People here are mostly unmarried, newly married or something of that nature. I feel it would be unjust to ask advice from a group of Muslims like us. We do not have that much experience on the matter and cannot give a real perspective.

My advice is stick to your decision, encourage him to make sure he's being equal now that you are his wife. Polygany is not all fun and games. There are serious consequences a man faces when he is unjust to either of his wives. Do the research inshaAllah. May Allah have mercy on your husband and keep him steadfast and not short in rights to both you - ameen.

It takes a very unique and selfless person to accept sharing a person. May Allah reward you. One thing I've heard about polygamous marriages is that everyone in it, for it to work smoothly, HAS to keep and maintain their connect with Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala and keep on the deen. Otherwise, it does not work if the sisters and brother involved are not religious.

I suppose that's all I can say. :) May Allah bless this marriage. 'Aisha and Hafsa were not the best of friends at first but they turned out to be in the end. Try to over time be friends with your co-wife. I've read books about polygany and it's a beautiful relationship between co-wives. Alhumdulillah.Thank you for such a supportive and honest post. :)

aaziz
01-11-2009, 02:10 AM
Heloooo,

Bint seems to have missed the point. The issue at hand is not polygamy - nobody wants to say a word against that I'm sure.

We are discussing SECRET polygamy.

Islam is a Blessing
01-11-2009, 02:47 AM
Assalamu'alaykum sister,

Some things to consider is that it is a sunnah of the Prophet(saw) to announce the marriage and that some scholars even consider it obligatory to do so.

Announcing marriages is obligatory and the reason for that is:

1 – The Sunnah enjoins this, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Announce this marriage.” Narrated by Ahmad and classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1072.

2 – So as to distinguish the valid shar’i marriage that is enjoined by Islam from immorality, because zina is done secretly, whereas legitimate marriage is that which is proclaimed openly, so as to distinguish the one from the other. This is the wisdom behind announcing marriages



It should also be noted that some of the fuqaha’ say that publicizing the marriage is one of the conditions of it being valid, which is not far from the truth. They gave as the reason for that the fact that publicizing the marriage demonstrates the difference between marriage and immoral relationships. This is supported by the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “The difference between what is halaal and what is haraam is beating the daff and raising the voice at weddings.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1088; al-Nasaa’i, 3369; Ibn Maajah, 1896. Classed as hasan by Shaykh al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 1994


Ibn al-Qayyim said:

The Lawgiver has stipulated four conditions for marriage in addition to the marriage contract, in order for there to be no suspicion of immoral conduct: it should be publicized, there should be a wali (woman’s guardian), the woman should not do the marriage contract herself and it is mustahabb to beat the daff and raise voices (in song) and give a waleemah (wedding feast), because that does away with the means that may lead to immoral actions under the guise of being married.

I’laam al-Muwaqqi’een, 3/113

i.e., if marriage is done in secret, it is possible that if the woman gets pregnant and gives birth, the man may deny this child because there is no proof that this woman is his wife and this child is his child. But if there are witnesses and the marriage is publicized, there is no room for this evil action to take placeMay Allah(swt) guide you to what pleases Him.

Fa'izoon
01-11-2009, 09:21 AM
Asalaamu 'alaikum wa rahmat Ullahi wa barakaatuh sister Lunah,

May Allah make your situation easy, and may He guide you to that which is good for your duniya and more importantly, your akhirah. Ameen.

I feel some of the brothers and sisters are looking at the situation rather objectively; which is always the case...somebody who is not part of the equation AT ALL can never fully grasp the complex emotions that are involved. I'd like to advise myself, and my brothers and sisters that not all situations are textbook situations which are black and white.

When it comes to marriage, most are incredibly complex and I'd say the most confusing shade of grey...

My two pennies worth (I ask Allah that it is beneficial) is that before anybody can advise you sis (and in all honesty, I think you've already made your decision) we need to know a few things.

What is this brother like in his Deen? Does he have strong Emaan? Does his fear of Allah override his fear of anyone or anything in this Duniya?

You obviously know this brother much better than we do, and you said your local Imam advised you to go ahead with...then I would say, make Istikhara, ask Allah for the good in this and go ahead with it.

You love this man (regardless of our opinions on this, it is a situation that is very much real...no amount of discussing the why's and what's is going to change that fact) and you truly believe he is of sound character and is responsible and just enough to look after you and his other wife - with no inequality? Then I think we should make du'aa that Allah places barakah in it, and protects you from any harm.

Have you been making Istikhara regularly sister? The posts on here are likely to confuse you or leave you frustrated, but trust me sis..consult your Lord and you will NEVER have any regrets; Insha Allah.

I would like to ask something though; if you're so sure that this is good for you and is what you really want...why are you on the forums asking for opinions?

I hope you don't take offence from my questions; it's just that I know how we often persuade ourselves of something so much that we can't see beyond it, however the little niggly feeling (if thats what you have) in your heart is a BIG signal; don't ignore it.

Sheikh Muhammad :D mentioned to us at TSP that our hearts are like our very own inbuilt SAT-NAVs...they give us these signals for a reason.

Generous_1
01-11-2009, 11:24 AM
Why would you recommend me getting back with the father of my children? We are divorced. There obviously must have been a good reason/s. Besides, he is a Christian and it is forbidden in Islam.

But I do appreciate your honesty. Thanks for that. :)Consider give him dawah then, because he is always apart of your life because of your children whether you like it or not. I'm sure your children love their father. Furthermore, he carries the financial responsibility/support of your children even if he is a non-muslim, the family laws of the land are set up as such.

Lunah
01-11-2009, 12:17 PM
How do you know I haven't considered her? But there comes to time to consider all involved, and the full situation. Not just her. When would there be blessed second marriage in Islam if only the first wife was considered? I don't think there would be many. My Imam suggested that it was time to consider the whole situation and what would bring us closer to Allah. So that is what we are doing. He also suggested that it is his place to worry about her, since she is his responsibility. So all that tells me that while I should consider her as a sister in Islam, it shouldn't be my only consideration. We should all consider everyone involved and the whole situation. JMO

There is a very good possibility that I will be accepted by his parents this time. They loved me. amd we still talk. I wasn't acceptable as his first wife. The second could be different. After he has fulfilled his duties to the family, they may very well let him choose his second. I don't think it's the family as much as springing this on his NEW wife. Risking losing his family meant that if she threatened to divorce him, then they would most likely stand up for her, since she was their choice. It didn't mean that they wouldn't accept me.

I didn't come here to find out if he loved her or not. I can tell he doesn't. But he might one day. Just not now. But that's not what this post was about, and it's really not the issue. The issue is should I marry him secretly at all?

To be honest, he isn't wanting to tell because he probably doesn't want to risk losing his new wife because she is the perfect choice for the family, and she is carrying his child. That is why he married her after all. To satisfy the family and society. He found a suitable girl who he could live with and that satisfied the criteria. Besides, he wouldn't want to lose face.

To be honest, I don't consider other suitors because I don't like them for marriage. I have to be able to live with them as a wife after all. I am an American, that was raised differently than with Islam, so there is a lot of inner changes I have to make before I could do that. It is a slow process to change the inner wiring in that way. One thing at a time....

Another fact is that she is Muslim, and married a Muslim man, so she knew full well going into this that he might one day marry another. She is an adult after all, and we should give her more credit than to make her a poor naive woman. She is an educated woman. I'm sure she knows good and well what she could encounter when she married. She was raised with it after all. So let's give her more credit.

What is the right thing to do? Well that is what I'm trying to figure out. The more I pray Istikhara, the more I feel it is the right thing to do. There are also other factors in this situation that have not been mentioned here, and I have been advised by my Imam to do it, that it is the best thing. While I have not made my decision. Really I have not. I'm just being honest. I am concerned with the fact of keeping it a secret for any amount of time. I know he wouldn't keep it a secret forever. That is just the way he is. He couldn't. I think he is waiting for his marriage to not be so new, and for her to have the baby. We wouldn't after all marry right away. It would be months from now. I know it is a requirement to announce it. And it would be. Only not to the family and wife, yet. So my big concern is should I do it in secret at all? (secret from the wife and family, not everyone) Even for a time.

I wont say I can't find other suitors or that I'm helpless because I'm a divorced woman. I'm not. But that does make it ok to marry me to care for me. It is one of the reasons a man should marry again. He probably wants to marry me to take care of me and my kids, just as he loves me. It should not be forgotten that it is ok to do that.

He is a religious man that comes from a very religious and traditional family. So this is probably a very big deal for him, and not something he is taking lightly. I'm know he has considered if he can he treat us equally. If he didn't think he could, I don't think he would be considering it at all.

The father of my children: we have a very good relationship. We are still close as a family, and he is a good father that cares for them and supports them well. There is no problem there. We just had our problems as being married. Sometimes there comes a time to end things, and that is what happend there. I do pray for him all the time, and try to show him the real Islam in hopes that he will convert.

Lunah
01-11-2009, 03:04 PM
I was wondering this^^ as well.

....& sis Lunah plz dn't mind but sis I dn't think u r considering that sister which u r claiming.u keep saying'she is educated.she has muslim upbringing.she should understnd this & that' which u think supportiv points to go for that.hey!I hav got evrythng whch u r refering to her.I m a born muslim,practising alhamdulilla,educated,will b married to a muslim man oneday inshAllah & I knw my hubby could get married to other womn but will I take it so easily though I 'should' tak it easily???I swear by Allah(see I did sth 4 u which I avoid successfully evrytim alhamdulilla),it WILL break my heart 4evr(but if I got a bad partner then I'll tell him,'hey! u should pass more tim wth ur new wife u knw'.may be evn I'll try to find one 4 him if he wants me to do so.=D!)).if u tell me I m possesive thn I wn't mind.yes,I m possesive & no sister can judge me wat I should do or should not do.this is the emotion which I can't cntrol and this my identity.regarding that egyptian sis yes,I think she is a poor woman(I mean if she has got mindset lik me.if she is happy wth that thre is no problm at all but if she is not thn I dn't think anyone should disturb her(srry,srry,srry) maritl life) evn that brother think it can lead to the divorce!so,nvr say 'she should do this or that' bcz its not mandatory 4 her to b happy after knowing tht her husbnd got married.I m really sorry if I hav hurt u sis...........& sis if I wre a mom who ddn't want her son to get married to a lady 4m other culture & then after my sons marriage if I met that lady I would still like her bcz 'she is not my sis-in-law' & I hav no idea that my son is going to marry her!u get me??if they dn't like u to b the frst only for their honour I dn't think thy'll accept it(but I hop thy'll) if u bcom the 2nd.its only my perceptn sis.plz dn't get hurt.I nevr intend to do so.I m srry if I hav hurt u in anyway.Think what you like.

I'm just saying she deserves more credit than to think she is some naive little woman, and that we should also consider the facts here.

I didn't say they would accept me, but that it is a possibility. Which it is. In fact this happens every day in Egypt. The man cannot marry because his family does not approve. So he marries for them, then marries his choice second. It's done all the time, and the families accept it. So who knows what will happen...

Fa'izoon
01-11-2009, 04:43 PM
Asalaamu 'alaikum wa rahmat Ullahi wa barakaatuh,

Sister Lunah, I hope you didn't take offence to my question. Please forgive me if I caused offence, my intention was just to make you think about whether you had any doubts or not.

Masha Allah, you seem a highly intelligent sister, you've made istikhaara and consulted your Imam. We ask Allah in that case to bless you, make things easy for you and to grant you that which is best for you in this world and the next. Ameen.

As for the marriage in secret, as long as it isn't kept a secret from the entire community/society; then it not such a problem. I am aware of a situation where the couple had to keep it secret from the brothers wife and family as if they were to find out; the marriage WOULD NOT have gone ahead.

Alhamdullillah, everything worked out fine..they got married, and ALL parties are getting on with life...

Lunah
01-11-2009, 04:52 PM
Asalaamu 'alaikum wa rahmat Ullahi wa barakaatuh,

Sister Lunah, I hope you didn't take offence to my question. Please forgive me if I caused offence, my intention was just to make you think about whether you had any doubts or not.

Masha Allah, you seem a highly intelligent sister, you've made istikhaara and consulted your Imam. We ask Allah in that case to bless you, make things easy for you and to grant you that which is best for you in this world and the next. Ameen.

As for the marriage in secret, as long as it isn't kept a secret from the entire community/society; then it not such a problem. I am aware of a situation where the couple had to keep it secret from the brothers wife and family as if they were to find out; the marriage WOULD NOT have gone ahead.

Alhamdullillah, everything worked out fine..they got married, and ALL parties are getting on with life...I didn't take offense. :)

Um Tammer
01-11-2009, 09:18 PM
Sister, May Allah guide you to make the best decision. The "secret" aspect of this
arrangement worries me.

bint_habibullah
01-12-2009, 08:28 PM
If I wasn't clear enough, I meant this for the secrecy inshaAllah:


My advice is stick to your decision, encourage him to make sure he's being equal now that you are his wife. Polygany is not all fun and games. There are serious consequences a man faces when he is unjust to either of his wives. Do the research inshaAllah. May Allah have mercy on your husband and keep him steadfast and not short in rights to both you - ameen.

It would be ideal to announce it. Your husband's wife will find out sooner or later. When it is the best, Allah knows best. Make a lot of istikhara and encourage your husband to as well. These situations are not easy. May Allah give you all sabr.

Naima Abdulkadir
01-12-2009, 10:32 PM
To be honest the whole secrecy part of it bothers me too. Part of me says well the husband technically doesn't have to tell his current wife, but another part of me worries what else he's not completely honest about. And of course, how would you feel if he did the same to you and married a 3rd without your knowledge. It's a sticky situation.

Nony
01-13-2009, 09:33 AM
This is a very complicated situation and completely unfair to the sister who is already married. I mean this with sincerity, but if you seriously feel you and this brother are meant to be married and you will be accepted and you are marrying for the sake of Allah and not for selfish reasons, than why not just inform the sister before the nikkah proceeds? You have mentioned reasons to keep it a secret from the family for awhile but why the sister? Islamically, maybe she does not need to know but for the sake of not breaking her heart you should explain to her your reasons, if you feel they are just and strong. After all, as of now she has more rights than you because she is his wife and she is pregnant. And as someone mentioned here, no husband and wife have a child together unless there is some love between them. Do you have any relationship with his wife at all? Maybe if you tried to get to know her and love her as your sister in Islam, you will think twice before marrying this brother or not. Sorry for the blunt reply, but if my friend were in a similar situation I would advise her the same, and sometimes a blunt reply with care behind it is better than most. May Allah swt protect us all.

Naima Abdulkadir
01-13-2009, 11:25 AM
Assalamualaikum..

I read your issue, and I sympathized with your doubts, and only thought that your fiance might be a very pious muslim man to be so accomodating..

But that lasted only a little while, till something else clicked in my head.

I am from India. I would like to make you understand what it looks like on the other side of your story..

In India, a new way of looking for a spouse is the Internet and the many Matrimony websites.. Arranged marriages are very very common especially among muslims here.. so the parents and families are now the ones putting up the profiles for their children..

When they're looking for the perfect bridegroom, invariably more than 90 percent of the men responding are from outside India. This could be because many studied abroad, and work there now, or are working there on some sort of permit, and the men generally prefer working in other countries like the US because of the higher salaries.

These prospective husbands are referred to in my part of the country as "US Mapplai" - mapplai meaning bridegroom. And this term also implicitly meant that the man was well settled, and he earned tons, and he was going to demand/get a handsome dowry (opposite to Mehr).

Not anymore.

Google the name "Smalin Jenita" and read the first article from the Frontline newspaper. Read it entirely, and concentrate on the part after the second photograph, where it talks about "Foreign mapplais" and their extra marital relationships. This case does not involve a second wife. But almost all other cases that I have heard of do.

Families in India are now extra cautious about giving their precious virgin young village-brought-up and innocent daughters to NRIs (non resident indians) because of the fact that most of the men abroad seem to have another woman (sometimes white) already in their life, either married ,girlfriend in love, or engaged. So now we employ Detective agencies to check anyone thoroughly before we give our sisters to those living abroad. These men are a disgrace to their families and their communities only because of their LIES and PRETENCE.

This man from abroad visits his hometown, and is taken to the prospective bride's home by his family to see the girl. He FAKES it through to appear like an innocent virgin never-spoke-to-a-woman man. His own family testifies to this because they are unaware of his truth. He then talks to that young girl, giving her and her family dreams of being in a foreign beautiful country. And then the dowry that he would "earn" from this marriage would also be discussed. Since he is probably on his 3 week vacation, the deal is quickly finalised, a date is set, and the elaborate and EXPENSIVE Nikah is done, and consummated.

Many of these kind of men, generally leave their newly wed wives behind pregnant, and go back abroad to frolic with the other woman. He's richer now because of the dowry. This leaves the other woman with her in-laws back in India who ill-treat her for more dowry and treat her like a MAID in the house to do all the chores. And some men take their wives abroad with them, to shock them there with the truth of the other woman, and leave them with no options at all. This tricked girl wouldnt dare tell her family back home because of the shame that she will bring, the dowry money that wouldnt be returned, or whatever reasons you can imagine. Slowly he would probably ignore this girl because he finds the other woman more "interesting".

The fact that you have posted on AlMaghrib, and that you have consulted the Imam etc makes it seem that your husband might be more pious and better in character than the men I mentioned above.

But if it was my sister who married your husband and you were the other woman in his life who he never mentioned, I would be furious and very worried about my sister's well-being.

May Allah guide you to the truth and cause you to take a good decision. SubhanaAllah the story about the girl is really sad, I agree with you when it comes to marrying NRI's, you have to be very careful.

I didn't know the Muslim woman has to pay her dowry, subhanAllah that's really scary, it just seems so un Islamic.....

aaziz
01-13-2009, 02:07 PM
A few years back, "Mehr" was a word only heard in a Nikah ceremony, when the Imam would probably mention a couple of sovereigns of gold as mehr.. whereas the dowry the bridegroom got behind the scenes would probably be around a 100. And let's not forget the car or the motorcycle, the cupboards, the bed, and even his wedding suit..

Alhamdulillah things are changing now around here..

Lunah
01-13-2009, 02:17 PM
I didn't know the Muslim woman has to pay her dowry, subhanAllah that's really scary, it just seems so un Islamic.....Yes, I agree. It's very different than what I am used to. Isn't the dowry supposed to be for the woman's protection in case something goes wrong? But, I am a new Muslim so a lot is different for me.

It is the woman's protection in case something happens in the marriage. The dowry's are very very high in Egypt. Many men don't get married until they are in their 30's or after, and some never because of this. If there is a divorce, the woman gets to keep her bride gift, dowry, and home. Since women don't have many rights when it comes to divorce in Egypt, this is good I think.

Lunah
01-13-2009, 02:27 PM
This is a very complicated situation and completely unfair to the sister who is already married. I mean this with sincerity, but if you seriously feel you and this brother are meant to be married and you will be accepted and you are marrying for the sake of Allah and not for selfish reasons, than why not just inform the sister before the nikkah proceeds? You have mentioned reasons to keep it a secret from the family for awhile but why the sister? Islamically, maybe she does not need to know but for the sake of not breaking her heart you should explain to her your reasons, if you feel they are just and strong. After all, as of now she has more rights than you because she is his wife and she is pregnant. And as someone mentioned here, no husband and wife have a child together unless there is some love between them. Do you have any relationship with his wife at all? Maybe if you tried to get to know her and love her as your sister in Islam, you will think twice before marrying this brother or not. Sorry for the blunt reply, but if my friend were in a similar situation I would advise her the same, and sometimes a blunt reply with care behind it is better than most. May Allah swt protect us all.It is more for the sake of her than the family that he wants to keep it a secret. Because she is a newlywed and pregnant. That is why he wanted to keep it a secret for a while, I feel.

Sorry to disappoint you, but many many people have kids without love in their relationship. This is the villages of Egypt, not a western country. The marriage is arranged by the families, if the boy and girl are suitable, often have never met but a day or so before they are engaged. Then they marry. Often they don't get to know each other much other than superficially before the marriage. Which is what happened here. They got pregnant right away, because that was the purpose for the marriage, their duty to their families, and what is expected of them from family and society. Love has nothing to do with marriage often there. I even asked why he didn't explain to his parents that he loved me. He said he did, but that they didn't understand love as a basis for marriage. They understood, tradition, culture, status, etc. They only wanted an Egyptian young virgin with a family with good status. This is very sad, but it is very true. :(

I do not know his wife. She is in another country than me. I would gladly get to know her though. I think cowives should try to get to know each other so they can build a strong and loving family, if they can.

emarouf
01-14-2009, 08:27 AM
SubhanaAllah the story about the girl is really sad, I agree with you when it comes to marrying NRI's, you have to be very careful.

I didn't know the Muslim woman has to pay her dowry, subhanAllah that's really scary, it just seems so un Islamic.....It definitely is unislamic. The girl giving the dowry is part of the Hindu culture which the Muslims had adopted.
In the Western part of India alhamdulillah its not being done much but I find that in South India it is very prevalent.... May Allah guide us all to the right path!

As for the sister I dont have anything to say. I can only make dua that she makes the right decision for her and all the people around her who will be affected. Remember sister dua and Istikhara... thats all you need.

I agree with one of the post here.. I can say things and advise anyway that I want but that necessarily won't be what I do when faced with the same situation in real life.
You are your best judge. May Allah azzawajal help you in making the correct decision.

eternalmuslimah
01-15-2009, 02:18 AM
It is more for the sake of her than the family that he wants to keep it a secret. Because she is a newlywed and pregnant. That is why he wanted to keep it a secret for a while, I feel.


Feels like, in some regards he cares for her, while in others not so much.

I think he owes it to her, to tell her now.

If she doesn't like the idea now, she won't like it anymore later either.

So it doesn't really matter (when he tells her). He's not doing her a service by telling her later as opposed to now.

That is just my personal opinion.

Allahu A'lam. I'd rather not comment further on an issue such as this.

May Allah guide you both through the proper channels.

Do istikhaarah and make your decision.

I'd refrain from using the forums for advice on such a huge decision.

You consulted with an imaam, did istikhaarah and now it's time for you to make a decision. One that does justice to yourself, this man and his current wife.

Lunah
01-15-2009, 02:24 PM
Feels like, in some regards he cares for her, while in others not so much.

I think he owes it to her, to tell her now.

If she doesn't like the idea now, she won't like it anymore later either.

So it doesn't really matter (when he tells her). He's not doing her a service by telling her later as opposed to now.

That is just my personal opinion.

Allahu A'lam. I'd rather not comment further on an issue such as this.

May Allah guide you both through the proper channels.

Do istikhaarah and make your decision.

I'd refrain from using the forums for advice on such a huge decision.

You consulted with an imaam, did istikhaarah and now it's time for you to make a decision. One that does justice to yourself, this man and his current wife.Thank you for saying that. It really is about ALL of us. :)

Sally Mahmoud
01-15-2009, 04:54 PM
i had a non-muslim friend who was in a similar situation, the guy was from india/pakistan... the guy was trying to spend time with this lady (also older, but never married).. but she knew better then to get involved. The way she saw it he was going to get married eventually to someone from his background, and she knew that there was no place for her in that sort of arrangement.

you have to protect your heart, and make the best choices for yourself and your life/religion..

To be honest, he isn't wanting to tell because he probably doesn't want to risk losing his new wife because she is the perfect choice for the family, and she is carrying his child. That is why he married her after all. To satisfy the family and society. He found a suitable girl who he could live with and that satisfied the criteria. Besides, he wouldn't want to lose face.

The way you refer to this woman, who is his wife, carrying his child, is the way many westerners refer to many of our people back home- "simple" "uneducated"... you say she's "suitable" and "fulfills the criteria".. i get the feeling that you're seeing her as less than an equal to say the least. When in reality, she probably speaks his language, understands the same cultural cues he's grown up with.. and they may have a ton more in common than you're being led to believe.

So my opinion is, no.. dont marry in secret.

Lunah
01-15-2009, 04:59 PM
i had a non-muslim friend who was in a similar situation, the guy was from india/pakistan... the guy was trying to spend time with this lady (also older, but never married).. but she knew better then to get involved. The way she saw it he was going to get married eventually to someone from his background, and she knew that there was no place for her in that sort of arrangement.

you have to protect your heart, and make the best choices for yourself and your life/religion..



The way you refer to this woman, who is his wife, carrying his child, is the way many westerners refer to many of our people back home- "simple" "uneducated"... you say she's "suitable" and "fulfills the criteria".. i get the feeling that you're seeing her as less than an equal to say the least. When in reality, she probably speaks his language, understands the same cultural cues he's grown up with.. and they may have a ton more in common than you're being led to believe.

So my opinion is, no.. dont marry in secret.I believe I said somewhere that she is educated, and deserves more credit....

S. Asharib Ali
06-21-2009, 08:27 AM
hmmm... it seems ppl have missed this on the previous pages of this... the evidences basically explain a whoooole lot, and Sister Lunah the following should suffice- even though we may not want it to.

Quote:
Announcing marriages is obligatory and the reason for that is:

1 – The Sunnah enjoins this, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Announce this marriage.” Narrated by Ahmad and classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1072.

2 – So as to distinguish the valid shar’i marriage that is enjoined by Islam from immorality, because zina is done secretly, whereas legitimate marriage is that which is proclaimed openly, so as to distinguish the one from the other. This is the wisdom behind announcing marriages




Quote:
It should also be noted that some of the fuqaha’ say that publicizing the marriage is one of the conditions of it being valid, which is not far from the truth. They gave as the reason for that the fact that publicizing the marriage demonstrates the difference between marriage and immoral relationships. This is supported by the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “The difference between what is halaal and what is haraam is beating the daff and raising the voice at weddings.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1088; al-Nasaa’i, 3369; Ibn Maajah, 1896. Classed as hasan by Shaykh al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 1994


Ibn al-Qayyim said:

The Lawgiver has stipulated four conditions for marriage in addition to the marriage contract, in order for there to be no suspicion of immoral conduct: it should be publicized, there should be a wali (woman’s guardian), the woman should not do the marriage contract herself and it is mustahabb to beat the daff and raise voices (in song) and give a waleemah (wedding feast), because that does away with the means that may lead to immoral actions under the guise of being married.

I’laam al-Muwaqqi’een, 3/113

i.e., if marriage is done in secret, it is possible that if the woman gets pregnant and gives birth, the man may deny this child because there is no proof that this woman is his wife and this child is his child. But if there are witnesses and the marriage is publicized, there is no room for this evil action to take place
I understand the situation, and can understand you want to marry that guy, vice versa, but as the proofs alllude u should not go through with this. As it says in Surah Baqarah of the Quraan, "Perhaps that you love something, and it is bad for you. And it is possible that you hate something, while it is best for you."

Sister Lunah, we know that love is a powerful emotion, but know that the life of this world is only temporary, and the love for Allah should be the greatest. Therefore, after the ayaaahs, and those ahaadith, and allll the saahabees-- which never went out and married secretly (the definition of nikah and walima includes the informing part- without which it isn't marrige). Listen, if the guy, while he is married is spending time with you and talking, a non-mahram, do u really think that is lawful?

If this man really does love you, he should have the guts to go to his wife and tell her so. And his wife SHOULD consent to that if his desires aren't being fullfilled, and an Emaam should talk to his wife. BUT, if there is no consensus between involved parties and a wali from ur side, this can't go on.

If unfortunately there is no consent, pleaseee do urself a favour and trust in Allah to find u an even better person. Lesson in life, Allah knows more what is good for us, than what we think we know for urselves.