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Naima Abdulkadir
01-19-2009, 04:53 PM
Salaam Alaikum

So we've all read and heard the famous hadeeth: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion..." I've had this conversation with several friends and we always seem to disagree. I find that when it's a sister who is getting proposals and she lists out what she's looking for, she's often times seen as being picky, difficult, or unrealistic... but when it's a brother looking for these things, he's just looking for a compatible spouse.

For example if a sister prefers a specific look, she's being too picky, but if it's a brother, it's fine because he's been "lowering his gaze his whole life" and has to make sure his wife is a coolness for his eyes and etc etc.

To what extent would you say a sister should look for a person who has all of the qualities she looks for without having to 'settle' and not waiting forever either.

ilmseeker
01-19-2009, 05:03 PM
Wa alaykum salaam,

It depends on the sister. Its impossible for the sister or the brother to find ALL the qualities in their spouse, they will have to settle on a few, this isn't Jannah :)

But I think she shouldn't settle just for the sake of getting married, she should want to marry the guy and be interested in him to a certain degree. Obviously if she is not interested in him at all then no she should not marry him, as this is negative for both parties involved.

Um Tammer
01-19-2009, 08:42 PM
Realize also that people change over time. Even your level of Eman is changable.
It would be better to marry young and go thru those changes together.

heavens_scent
01-19-2009, 09:41 PM
Um Tammer, you also can't base your decision on someone who may or may not potentially change right?

Br Salek, you dropped some heavy weight words out here. I mean just because a sister's stock is dropping does not mean she has to settle for anything less than what she wants. And who says if someone desires good looks they have to be good looking? I mean that certainly does not go for everyone. How many equally good looking couples do you really see out there? However, I do agree with you on the deen part because that is only fair and Allah swt is just. Allah swt does say: "The chaste women are for the chaste men.." As for being realistic, then that's given. No one is really out there looking for their hoor al ayn in this dunya.

Sr Naima, I can totally relate to you and I understand where you are coming from. At the end of the day my dear, continue your search and never lower your standards (if they are realistic :P) and don't settle for anything less than what you want. Just examin each situation carefully, pray istikhara, and put your trust in Allah swt. If your heart really sinks in it, then go for it. If not then don't let 'dropping stocks' get into your head. Just do what you gotta do and have faith in Allah swt. He always has your back.

iss ME! zahweee!
01-19-2009, 09:48 PM
Sr Naima, I can totally relate to you and I understand where you are coming from. At the end of the day my dear, continue your search and never lower your standards (if they are realistic :P) and don't settle for anything less than what you want. Just examin each situation carefully, pray istikhara, and put your trust in Allah swt. If your heart really sinks in it, then go for it. If not then don't let 'dropping stocks' get into your head. Just do what you gotta do and have faith in Allah swt. He always has your back.yea naima ;):D

Naima Abdulkadir
01-19-2009, 09:57 PM
yea naima ;):D And I thought you were the first one to reply to this :D

iss ME! zahweee!
01-19-2009, 10:08 PM
sorry to disappoint sis!! :p

wallahi sometimes i feel culture interferes too much in life, lol
and i'm not talking about food and clothes.. that i can live with :D i can even deal with language (eek!), but when it comes to double standards between men and women, that's just sad

and when societal pressures are so great that they dictate every aspect of a wedding.. it's insanity..! i know a sister who's engaged for 3 months already, which is AGES and finally the two families sat down to discuss the date.. her family's ready for this summer..

the guy's family's like.... "umm.. we were thinking april.."
girls family (who really wants it asap more than anything) "ohhh! like in 2 months??"
guy's family... "errr.. no.. like next year"
girls family ":eek:"

and their reasons? they just spent 50K on their daughters wedding and need to "rejuvenate" (ie: make more money) before their sons wedding, plus his mom wants to go to paki-land for more shopping, blah blah blah

insanity i tell ya! and it's all to meet "standards" set by others of the same culture

Mubarak
01-19-2009, 10:45 PM
Great thread and the topic of 'settling or just waiting' is always a hot topic.

I remember once, I was on a trip to another city and I was with a beloved shiekh and he gave me advice on this very topic. He said, "if you find someone who fills 75% of the qualities of that person you have built in your mind, then be content". And I know the shiekh very well and he didn't literally mean '75%' and later he explained to me that he intended for me to understand that 'person' I created in my mind, probably doesn't exist. Therefore I should come back down to reality and compromise on issues that can be compromised on and stay true to those issues that need no reform. As for the issue of 'religious commitment', I think it's pretty clear but we shouldn't expect to find the likes of a companion or sahaabiyat in our communities (and if you do, Big UPs to you). As for the issue of appearance, the funny thing about looks is: everyone is different. What is appealing to his/her eyes might not to be to the another persons eyes. I know many brothers often say, "am I asking for too much when all I want is a woman whom I find attractive and prays?" (emphasizing on the looks more then anything else) and as for sisters, like brother Salik mentioned when he said (generally speaking), "women are more attracted by emotions" so that may explain why sisters may be considered 'picky' if she focuses on looks more then anything else (its a cultural thing and some argue its the way we've been created).

Honestly, every situation is different. Sometimes it might be better to conquer those thought in your mind to follow the road to your 'perfect spouse' and other times, it might be wiser just to hold on to hope a little longer. But remember, the society we live in has been designed to distroy us and if not that, then shaitan will never stop attacting us from all possible angles so the longer you hold out, the more trails that you will experience. Try to find someone you're attracted to and has his foundation of prayers, fasting and aqeedah established for everything else can be improved on inshAllah.


PS.
..my number one thing...and I would sacrafice the other 3 out of 4 characteristics mentioned in the hadith for that to a certain extentAnd I found this to be the case with many brothers http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon7.gif

Halle Ma
01-19-2009, 10:48 PM
I'd rather have an ugly wife, less fitnah.I dont understand where your going with this statement... care to explain

Skyblue
01-19-2009, 11:14 PM
Sr Naima, I can totally relate to you and I understand where you are coming from. At the end of the day my dear, continue your search and never lower your standards (if they are realistic :P) and don't settle for anything less than what you want. Just examin each situation carefully, pray istikhara, and put your trust in Allah swt. If your heart really sinks in it, then go for it. If not then don't let 'dropping stocks' get into your head. Just do what you gotta do and have faith in Allah swt. He always has your back.
i totally agree

Khadija
01-19-2009, 11:19 PM
If I can twist things a little, who do you think has it easy in this process? The brothers or the sisters?

Memoona
01-19-2009, 11:22 PM
If I can twist things a little, who do you think has it easy in this process? The brothers or the sisters?Sr Khadija I think you might be starting a war here :o

Khadija
01-19-2009, 11:25 PM
lol, then I forgot to say bismillah:

Bismillah, who do you think has it easy in this process? The brothers or the sisters?

I think the brothers and sisters need to know each others positions, so we would realize that hey maybe no one has it easy.

Mubarak
01-19-2009, 11:26 PM
Ok. No one has it easy...but if I was forced to answer your above question, I would say...

The sisters! And Allah knows best

Naima Abdulkadir
01-19-2009, 11:36 PM
The sisters! And Allah knows best I have to disagree with you aboowe, I believe no one does, or maybe the brothers do...

Naima Abdulkadir
01-19-2009, 11:44 PM
does anyone know any available sisters from the Quraish? SubhanAllah. I think you're being a bit insensitive to the overall situation.
I'd rather have an ugly wife, less fitnah. And the last thing you want is your wife thinking she's ugly because you wanted to avoid fitnah. May Allah protect us from it, Ameen.

Wassalam Alaikum

Mubarak
01-19-2009, 11:58 PM
As for a bro, he can usually fight his own cultural, social, familial pressures, while many times a sister cannot.

In that I find it sisters have much more difficulty in the process than brothers...and not to forget brothers tend to easily move on.Now that you put it that way, you're right! Sisters have it a little harder. They're up against cultural and social pressures and most of the time, such matters are out of their hands while a brother, once he makes up his mind that he wants that 'sister', it's almost impossible to convince him to leave her alone. He will pursue her to the ends of the sea or until Allah decides for them. Often times, his family would normally conclude, "he is a man and we cant do much to stop him" and with such a conclusion, they would leave him to the situation. And that is when he meet trails from the sister's family? And often times, such trails prevents the two from coming together in order to create one.

zuhair.shaath
01-20-2009, 01:21 AM
Um... sisters have it waaaaay tougher.

1. They have to have their wali approve... and we all know the problems that can come from the "culture vs religion" war that's been going on for 1400+ years.

2. They have to make sure they can cook

3. They have to go to school and get a degree just like guys do incase they don't get married and have to help their parents financially

4. They have to keep modest while basically compete against other sisters who don't mind "pampering" up in front of non-mahram men.

5. They might have to settle on the man's physical appearance because for some reason guys think that appearance means zero when it comes to what girls want.

6. They have to try and get married earlier on because age and beauty share an inverse relationship for sisters.

I can go on and on, and this is just for the sisters that are in the single/never married 17-23 age range... don't get me started on sisters that converted or divorced/widowed sisters.

May Allah make it easy on all the brothers and sisters out there, Ameen.

Mubarak
01-20-2009, 02:15 AM
...single/never married 17-23 age range... don't get me started on sisters that converted or divorced/widowed sisters...
Then maybe I shouldn't get you started on sisters (never married and) between the ages of 24-29? The pressure they must feel would be unbearable? Allah knows best

...may Allah make it easy on me. ameen.
Aameen bro, keep your head up!

Asha
01-20-2009, 02:58 AM
Um... sisters have it waaaaay tougher.

1. They have to have their wali approve... and we all know the problems that can come from the "culture vs religion" war that's been going on for 1400+ years.

2. They have to make sure they can cook

3. They have to go to school and get a degree just like guys do incase they don't get married and have to help their parents financially

4. They have to keep modest while basically compete against other sisters who don't mind "pampering" up in front of non-mahram men.

5. They might have to settle on the man's physical appearance because for some reason guys think that appearance means zero when it comes to what girls want.

6. They have to try and get married earlier on because age and beauty share an inverse relationship for sisters.

I can go on and on, and this is just for the sisters that are in the single/never married 17-23 age range... don't get me started on sisters that converted or divorced/widowed sisters.

May Allah make it easy on all the brothers and sisters out there, Ameen.
Wow subhanallah when you put it that way, it summed it up!

Plus the other age category, may Allah have mercy on all of us!!!

zuhair.shaath
01-20-2009, 07:26 AM
Then maybe I shouldn't get you started on sisters (never married and) between the ages of 24-29? The pressure they must feel would be unbearable? Allah knows best
Alhamdulilah, I never meant bad by the age lol, I was just stereotyping the college age groups, the numbers don't mean a thing!

Um Tammer
01-20-2009, 11:43 AM
[QUOTE=heavens_scent]Um Tammer, you also can't base your decision on someone who may or may not potentially change right?


Correct! You should not think you change someone... at the same time those qualities you love in someone can change over time. You need to be committed
to the marriage. Although there are some changes that could be considered deal-breakers. This varies from person to person. Be sure you communicate
what you will not tolerate up front. And get ready to have your patience tested.

Um Tammer
01-20-2009, 11:46 AM
I'd rather have an ugly wife, less fitnah.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A great sense of humour can be attractive.
Plus looks can change. Some people are late bloomers.

Istishhad
01-20-2009, 12:35 PM
Maybe it is a lot harder for a girl to find a spouse—Allahu a3lam—but I can’t help but notice a lot of double standards when people are listing the reasons as to why this is so. One that sticks out the most is the age of women. In Arab cultures especially, being in your mid-20s and single is equivalent to being a shriveled old maid, whereas it’s completely normal for men to be in their 30’s before looking for a wife. But why can’t women accomplish the same things men are expected to accomplish before they get married? Some people don’t even see a need for this, but I think it’s important for myself to get a sense of independence and accomplishment—this will make me a better person, which in turn will make me a better wife, inshaAllah. I just think it’s important to be able to establish yourself as a Muslim/person, and to understand your deen before going on to fulfill such a significant and mandatory part of our deen, and for many people including myself, this may not happen till we’re “old” (i.e. mid-20s). There were a few other double standards, but I felt compelled to address this one :)

Also, there were some posts about how women are “up against cultural barriers” but unable to “do” anything about them, yet it’s easier for men to overcome these barriers. Can somebody please explain how come men are strong enough to overcome these barriers while women aren’t? Because I always thought women were able to stand up for themselves if a situation was unfair…

Istishhad
01-20-2009, 12:37 PM
Going back to the original question “Settle v Wait” I think a person should always have standards, of course—Islam tells us what qualities to look for in a spouse, and we should also want someone who is compatible with our personality and nature, our future goals, etc. I don’t think “settling” for a spouse would make anybody happy, because it implies that you are not satisfied with who you’re marrying, and who would want that? So the short and sweet of it is, I, personally, am all for waiting, but if a person is going to wait for their standards to be fulfilled, they better make darn sure they’re reasonable, and it helps to have flexibility in this issue as well J InshaAllah, if you continue to make duaa for a spouse that will please Allah, yourself, and your family, you will not have to “wait” too long for it to be answered J ….to quote heavens scent, “[Allah] always has your back”!

kako12
01-20-2009, 06:46 PM
Sister Naima,
May Allah SWT bless you with the most handsome person on this planet earth; someone who resembles the beauty of Yusuf Alaihi salam. Never compromise on beauty , keep making dua and inshallah you will get what you want. Brothers and sisters please remember her in your duas.
Regards

Hala
01-20-2009, 07:15 PM
Sister Naima,
May Allah SWT bless you with the most handsome person on this planet earth; someone who resembles the beauty of Yusuf Alaihi salam. Never compromise on beauty , keep making dua and inshallah you will get what you want. Brothers and sisters please remember her in your duas.
RegardsExhibit A...

Ameen.

Etqaaniyah
01-20-2009, 07:32 PM
an ugly wife is going to be ok with me being ugly
Honestly I learned few things from this thread and that is that brothers and sisters are struggling to understand each other. Everyone has expectations (whether cultural, internal or external) and everyone wants the world to empathize with them. It's understandable that women in general have things harder based on today's mentality and the mentality of certain cultures. But that's because there is a lack of deen and knowledge. It shouldn't be a problem for a sister to have expectations of her future husband as long as those expectation are rational/reasonable (such as the example given by sister Naima) because those are qualities that when reached will help improve our communities. I believe that if a sister worked hard on her deen and her education and she expects the same, then she should stick to it. Expect from yourself what you expect from others (varies for everyone).

Brother Salik, I don't think the emphasis should be on ugliness or prettiness. It should be about more than that. It should be about, can I learn from this person, can this person learn from me, does this person accept me for who I am, it should be about patience and contribution. What if, according to you, there is a pretty sister and she accepts you for who you are and all the above? Will you reject her because of self-esteem (from what it seems) issues.

Etqaaniyah
01-20-2009, 07:33 PM
I forgot to add..may Allah grant us patience...ameen.

heavens_scent
01-20-2009, 08:12 PM
Sister Naima,
May Allah SWT bless you with the most handsome person on this planet earth; someone who resembles the beauty of Yusuf Alaihi salam. Never compromise on beauty , keep making dua and inshallah you will get what you want. Brothers and sisters please remember her in your duas.
RegardsAmeeeeeeeeeen! :)

Halle Ma
01-20-2009, 08:13 PM
Sister Naima,
May Allah SWT bless you with the most handsome person on this planet earth; someone who resembles the beauty of Yusuf Alaihi salam. Never compromise on beauty , keep making dua and inshallah you will get what you want. Brothers and sisters please remember her in your duas.
Regards
Ameen Thuma Ameen

Adib Contractor
01-21-2009, 09:21 AM
I respectfully disagree, and I believe brothers in reality have it just as hard as sisters. Sure, Islamically the man has the right to marry whom he wishes without a wali, but in our society, how practical is that?

Let's examine the situation: A girl and her wali are ready to marry, she and a brother are interested in each other, but the brother's parents disapprove for whatever reason. Now, he can tell his parents "It's my right" and go marry her anyway. Now, if the parents are understanding and have a close relationship with their son, they will eventually come to love their new daughter. However, more often than not, there are major conflicts in the family, a gap opens up between the brother and his parents, the sister gets bad treatment from her in-laws, the brother must choose a side between his parents and wife in a fight... and then we have yet another contribution to the high rate of divorce amongst Muslims.

So really, a brother going to marry without his parents' approval is not really an option, even though it is his right. And considering the religious brothers will place obedience to their parents as #1 priority, the desire to marry a specific girl will be eclipsed by this obedience to them.

In the end, what matters is the hereafter... so I ask you: If the two options conflict (your choice vs. your parents' choice), will a brother or sister be rewarded by Allah for marrying so-and-so, or will they be rewarded for obeying their parents? You decide.

Naima Abdulkadir
01-21-2009, 10:23 AM
Sister Naima,
May Allah SWT bless you with the most handsome person on this planet earth; someone who resembles the beauty of Yusuf Alaihi salam. Never compromise on beauty , keep making dua and inshallah you will get what you want. Brothers and sisters please remember her in your duas.
Regards
Ameen ya Rab...

Adib Contractor
01-21-2009, 12:04 PM
A really good brother will not disobey his parents for a sister. I also think a really good sister might also not want a brother who would disobey his parents.
As an addendum, I see only one exception to this... when the parents are pushing the brother or sister to marry someone less religious than the one that he/she chooses. Wallahu 'Alam, I believe the person is justified in standing up to his/her parents and will be rewarded, because he/she is looking to the deen and not willing to compromise that.

BUT the youth have to be very careful in making sure their intention is pure and this is only for the deen, not because of some attachment or attraction because of other qualities, because then it would no longer be justified. Very tricky situation, may Allah protect us and guide us and our parents, Ameen.

Naima Abdulkadir
01-21-2009, 05:57 PM
Sis Naima,let us know whens the wedding and who is the lucky brother.....


........& where is it going to happen because I saw that you are from qabeelat hayl,in another thread I read that you are going to come here in uk very soon and now I see you are in Lahore!!!SubhanAllah!Is it your world tour (D:!))??why didn't you take me with you???!!!

My mom lives in London :) And unfortunately I'm not in Lahore either :) but it's on my list of places to visit inshaAllah one day.

iss ME! zahweee!
01-21-2009, 06:07 PM
My mom lives in London :) And unfortunately I'm not in Lahore either :) but it's on my list of places to visit inshaAllah one day.
ohhh naima we've got to go together insha-Allah!!
i'll take you to the best place for gol gappai :D

Naima Abdulkadir
01-22-2009, 07:14 AM
ohhh naima we've got to go together insha-Allah!!
i'll take you to the best place for gol gappai :D

Jazakllahu khair for making my mouth water this early in the morning :)

I am actually learning how to make gol gappay... I would love to go with you meri yaar.

Khadija
01-22-2009, 03:59 PM
BUT the youth have to be very careful in making sure their intention is pure and this is only for the deen, not because of some attachment or attraction because of other qualities, because then it would no longer be justified. Very tricky situation, may Allah protect us and guide us and our parents, Ameen.I know you were talking about what makes it justifiable, but let's say it is both for deen and that admiration of the individual, isn't that valid? Should they not feel that at all? wouldn't them feeling that way mandate that they should be married because it would be a fitnah for them? and shouldn't protecting themselves from fitnah be for the sake of Allah?

Adib Contractor
01-22-2009, 04:32 PM
You're right... but only that youth can make the decision to disobey his/her parents under this condition. See, it's a very tricky issue. As with anything in this life, if one chooses the deen over things opposing it, he or she must be ready to face the sacrifices and consequences that come with it, even if that means losing one's family. How many people would be up for that?

But in general, what you said is correct, as long as the deen is the main criteria and all other qualities are admired after that, whatever they may be. Naturally, there must be some attraction between people before they get married, so interest because of deen will inevitably lead to interest in other qualities as well.

As for protection from fitnah, that goes back to the willingness of the person to sacrifice for the deen. Is the fitnah of love for a person more worthy of facing, or is the fitnah of leaving ones family for the sake of the deen more worthy? It's a choice each individual must make who is in this situation.

Either make the decision to go and propose, and see where that takes you, even if it's against your family's wishes, and seek the consultation and guidance of Allah; or, control your desire, stop thinking about that person, fast often, and ask Allah to grant you patience. Either of these can help you deal with these fitan.

Ifteen
01-29-2009, 04:43 PM
Ok. No one has it easy...but if I was forced to answer your above question, I would say...

The sisters! And Allah knows best
of course you think the sisters have it easy because you are faced with your own challenges and you don't quite see the challenges that sisters are faced with.

with all honesty, both brothers and sisters have it difficult.

If there is anything I have learned throughout my short existence on this earth.. its the simple fact that I don't know what is good for me. I may want one thing and realize later that it wasn't good for me @ all.

Sisters, we tend to overthink these things. Allah created us and it is already written for us who or if we will marry. Why fret Allah's got our back!

We shouldn't settle thats true. But, we shouldn't trip either.

Inshallah, your knight in a bright white kufi will show up @ your door riding his white camel named Kiswal. In other words, Live your life as best as u can. HOOK UP with Allah and Allah will hook you up ;)

iss ME! zahweee!
01-29-2009, 05:35 PM
Inshallah, your knight in a bright white kufi will show up @ your door riding his white camel named Kiswal. In other words, Live your life as best as u can. HOOK UP with Allah and Allah will hook you up ;)masha-Allah that was soooooo sweet sis! http://www.ummah.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrinlove.gif

ilmseeker
01-29-2009, 05:40 PM
Sisters, we tend to overthink these things. Allah created us and it is already written for us who or if we will marry. Why fret Allah's got our back!

We shouldn't settle thats true. But, we shouldn't trip either.

Inshallah, your knight in a bright white kufi will show up @ your door riding his white camel named Kiswal. In other words, Live your life as best as u can. HOOK UP with Allah and Allah will hook you up ;)I like this, well said ma sha Allah! :)

Ali_Mehdi
02-23-2009, 06:15 PM
I respectfully disagree, and I believe brothers in reality have it just as hard as sisters. Sure, Islamically the man has the right to marry whom he wishes without a wali, but in our society, how practical is that?

Let's examine the situation: A girl and her wali are ready to marry, she and a brother are interested in each other, but the brother's parents disapprove for whatever reason. Now, he can tell his parents "It's my right" and go marry her anyway. Now, if the parents are understanding and have a close relationship with their son, they will eventually come to love their new daughter. However, more often than not, there are major conflicts in the family, a gap opens up between the brother and his parents, the sister gets bad treatment from her in-laws, the brother must choose a side between his parents and wife in a fight... and then we have yet another contribution to the high rate of divorce amongst Muslims.

So really, a brother going to marry without his parents' approval is not really an option, even though it is his right. And considering the religious brothers will place obedience to their parents as #1 priority, the desire to marry a specific girl will be eclipsed by this obedience to them.

In the end, what matters is the hereafter... so I ask you: If the two options conflict (your choice vs. your parents' choice), will a brother or sister be rewarded by Allah for marrying so-and-so, or will they be rewarded for obeying their parents? You decide.

Depends.

Parent's do not have the right to 100% unconditional authority. If they are rejecting someone based on unIslamic standards (race, etc.) then I feel the brother not only has the right, but an obligation to disobey his parents in this regard for the sake of Allah (swt) and his parents. Approving of their prejudice only solidifies their views and makes you likewise a sinner for allowing them to have their way.

That's my two cents.

Ifteen
02-25-2009, 12:40 AM
Depends.

Parent's do not have the right to 100% unconditional authority. If they are rejecting someone based on unIslamic standards (race, etc.) then I feel the brother not only has the right, but an obligation to disobey his parents in this regard for the sake of Allah (swt) and his parents. Approving of their prejudice only solidifies their views and makes you likewise a sinner for allowing them to have their way.

That's my two cents.Hmmmm brother I know that this is a sensitive subject... but we are talking about parents here. Weather or not you think they are right is irrelevant you still have to respect them. Insinuating that they are sinners does not help. Prejudice is wrong. Thats a given. But we should give naseeha to them and ask Allah to ease the situation. Why on earth would one want to subject a poor sister or brother to that? NOTHING cuts more than knowing that another muslim doesn't like u because of where u are from or what color your skin is. So when, that person becomes your In-law, thats a recipe for disaster. There is A LOT of hikma in what brother Adib wrote... you have to think of things in a greater sense. Like sh. YB said... " your best choice may not be the right choice"

sometimes we may think something, or someone is good for us but at the end of the day only Allah knows.

Allah orders us to worship him and obey our parents... sometimes ( this is jst my opinon) we don't practice patience enough.

Ali_Mehdi
02-25-2009, 01:08 AM
Hmmmm brother I know that this is a sensitive subject... but we are talking about parents here. Weather or not you think they are right is irrelevant you still have to respect them. Insinuating that they are sinners does not help. Prejudice is wrong. Thats a given. But we should give naseeha to them and ask Allah to ease the situation. Why on earth would one want to subject a poor sister or brother to that? NOTHING cuts more than knowing that another muslim doesn't like u because of where u are from or what color your skin is. So when, that person becomes your In-law, thats a recipe for disaster. There is A LOT of hikma in what brother Adib wrote... you have to think of things in a greater sense. Like sh. YB said... " your best choice may not be the right choice"

sometimes we may think something, or someone is good for us but at the end of the day only Allah knows.

Allah orders us to worship him and obey our parents... sometimes ( this is jst my opinon) we don't practice patience enough.

Parents are not immune to sinning nor should they be immune to being called out for it.

There's a line between respect and honesty. In fact, I would argue it is far greater respect to disobey them in these situations. And I happen to disagree with Sh. YB on this. The best choice IS the right choice, else it isn't "the best". We should not allow our own deen to be affected or for our own standards to be lowered because our parents are being bigoted. The pain and suffering caused in the family is their own, not the person making the choice.

Mubarak
02-25-2009, 01:35 AM
Every situation is different and there are situations where parents cross the line and need to be called out for it. But regardless of how ignorant or foolish a parent(s) ruling may appear and seem, every case pretaining to parents, we must respect them. They can do us wrong, but they are entitled to respect. The best proof for this is, when Allah mentions the verse in the Quran in which He, the Most High informs us that even if our parents commanded us to worship along with Him other partners, we simply do not obey them but we must show them respect in our dealing with them.

Can this be another example of a person's post being misunderstood? :)

Ifteen
02-25-2009, 02:20 AM
Parents are not immune to sinning nor should they be immune to being called out for it.

There's a line between respect and honesty. In fact, I would argue it is far greater respect to disobey them in these situations. And I happen to disagree with Sh. YB on this. The best choice IS the right choice, else it isn't "the best". We should not allow our own deen to be affected or for our own standards to be lowered because our parents are being bigoted. The pain and suffering caused in the family is their own, not the person making the choice.Brother, If there is anything I said in my post to upset you forgive me for the sake of Allah.

Asha
02-25-2009, 03:13 AM
^ Your right this is another case of the misunderstood posts Mubarak!
Brother, If there is anything I said in my post to upset you forgive me for the sake of Allah.No need to be too apologetic, but both of your statements sound the same. Parents do sin and we do still need to respect them, its just that sometimes we all need to be called but when it comes to our parent we have to be more sensitive in the way we disagree! Just in case you guys didnt know *smile*!

Ifteen
02-25-2009, 03:19 AM
smile... but its always nice to be on the safe side...

This goes with everyone, we should randomly appologize cause we never know if or when we offend someone. I don't know about u, but I don't wanna find out about that on the day of Judgement ya feel?

Asha
02-25-2009, 03:23 AM
smile... but its always nice to be on the safe side...

This goes with everyone, we should randomly appologize cause we never know if or when we offend someone. I don't know about u, but I don't wanna find out about that on the day of Judgement ya feel?
I said "too" you may have missed that!

I apologize, and sometimes too much! If there is such a thing as too much apologizing. In these interent discussions you may not know how people take things so its true, better safe then sorry!


Back to the discussion at hand... i apologize for my disruption! lol

Ali_Mehdi
02-25-2009, 11:28 AM
Brother, If there is anything I said in my post to upset you forgive me for the sake of Allah.


Please do not think so. This is just a touchy subject for me as I have personally experienced racism from parents and other such things (like the fact that my family isn't Muslim, or that I am not syyed, etc.) when trying to marry.

Mubarak
02-25-2009, 11:41 PM
Please do not think so. This is just a touchy subject for me as I have personally experienced racism from parents and other such things (like the fact that my family isn't Muslim, or that I am not syyed, etc.) when trying to marry.My brother, I'm sorry you had to experience racism despite the fact that our beloved Muhammad (peace be upon him) spoke out against it. Don't you worry bro, if you dont find that Ideal Muslimah in this world, I'm sure you'll have a beautiful Hur by the name of Khalwa waiting for you in Jannah.

When times get tough..think of Khalwa http://forums.almaghrib.org/images/icons/icon12.gif