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View Full Version : Sisters, why are we harming each other?


Khadija
01-20-2009, 12:25 AM
Dont you find it annoying when a sister comes out of no where and drops a brothers name in your lap and says " I think you and him would be a great match!"...Blank face. No really? and what am I supposed to do now with that nice piece of information?

What's worse is when more than one sister comes to you, and now what was once just a suggestion, has become a planted thought in your mind.

Like seriously sisters, I think we are harming each other!

What is the benefit of mentioning a bro to a sister? What do you want a sister to do? What if she cant do anything?

Now she is left with a thought about someone, who shouldn't have been in her mind in the first place.

This is phenomenon that has occurred to too many sisters, and many sisters are getting really fed up and frustrated.

So I really think we should avoid this bad habit, and protect our sisters from fitnah.

If the brother isn't coming himself, there is no point for a sister to mention his name, when she has nooooo connection what so ever.

Let us aid our sisters, not harm them!!! InshaAllah :)
(insha'Allah we all have good intentions. This naseeha is directed towards myself first,before anyone else...and for any sister who I did this to, please forgive me!)

Amatullah
01-20-2009, 12:30 AM
Jazaaki Allahu khayran ukhti. You're absolutely right that this has happened to too many sisters, and I really appreciate that you took the intiative to post this.

Naima Abdulkadir
01-20-2009, 12:33 AM
JazakiAllah khayr. I must admit I am guilty of this. I need to go apologize to one sister who I've done this to on multiple occasions!

Alhamdulilah, you're absolutely right. This doesn't do much benefit for us except to make our minds think endlessly.

I never realized how bad this could be, may Allah forgive me and all of us.

Mubarak
01-20-2009, 02:09 AM
..What is the benefit of mentioning a bro to a sister? What do you want a sister to do? What if she cant do anything?..What is the benefit of mentioning a bro to a sister?
Perhaps the benefit of bringing it to her attention are many, for one: perhaps her gaze overlooked the brother? Or perhaps, he is exactly the type of man she needs.

What can a sister do?
Well remember the hadeeth of the woman was presented herself to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and asked him to marry her? And after the Messenger looked down, another man stood up and offered to marry her? Even during those times, the women never sat back and asked themselves, what can I do? They pursued their need! And the society of Muhammad (peace be upon him) did not looked down on women who took matters into their own hands so why would we allow our society or our culture to dictate for us what is appropriate? But I think there seriously needs to be a distinction drawn between what is modesty and what is procrastination. Just like their is a difference between humbleness and weakness, there is a difference between being shy and procrastinating.


What if she can't do anything?
There will always an action that completes an intention: the question is, will the one who intended complete the intention with the appropriate action?

Asha
01-20-2009, 02:37 AM
So I really think we should avoid this bad habit, and protect our sisters from fitnah.

If the brother isn't coming himself, there is no point for a sister to mention his name, when she has nooooo connection what so ever.





Generally this is a very valid point, personally I wouldnt do this to sisters I dont know/are not looking but we do all need help.

As a friend once said "we dont live in a little village where things like marriage is easier. We have to be each others eyes and ears."

I really think its coming from good intentions and if they dont know what your looking for or how you want this process to happen it may feel like its only hurting you. Its true if their is no connection whats so ever you are right, why are they bringing this up. You never know though wallahu alam!

Br. Salik- for every one sister who has to marry within her own race/culture I know one more who's family is accepting of interracial marriages! Its difficult and annoying but its not easier for the sister who cant step out as well!

May Allah make it easier for all of us! Ameen

iss ME! zahweee!
01-20-2009, 07:59 AM
excellent point sis! jazakiAllah khayr for bringing it up

I.Love.Islam
01-21-2009, 10:06 PM
Jazaki Allah khair for posting this! It's very true though and it shouldn't be done. We are supposed to protect eachother not harm eachother, just like you said Sr. Khadijah. What does a sister benefit from doing this? It's not like the sister she told is going to propose to the brother, which by the way is really awkward. I strongly dislike it when people try to play matchmaker. I hope that never happens to me though and I hope that I don't do that to one of my sisters!

Hala
01-21-2009, 10:12 PM
I try not to do this unless I know the sister is interested in getting marred and is open to hearing suggestions. Then you let the families take over and hope for the best!

Well said Khadija!

*~* Sr. Kadija *~*
01-22-2009, 07:49 AM
tnx for sharing ur thoughts sisterz.... I've never dropped a brother's name to a sister b4 but have been a victim wherein peepz dropped a brother's name to me. It's a difficult situation to face. At that point in time I didnt know wat to say....and yes i did think about the issue for a some time bt realized i wasnt ready....
It all depends on hw the sister feels... is she ready to get married n settle? is the brother actually ready? and so on.... then things will start from there....

but i pray that Allah makes things easier for all of us who are "yet to be married" .. Ameen....

Aroob525
01-22-2009, 11:16 AM
JazakiAllahu Khayran for bringing up this point. I feel that this is a phenomena that is occuring more and more amongst brothers and sisters who are working together in Islamic organizations. More than often you find that sisters and brothers have voiced their opinion to each other about which **volunteer** would be a suitable spouse. Granted there's nothing wrong with the suggestion, however, everything that follows it can be harmful for the two it involves. Ultimately, working with that person becomes more of a burden and Shaytaan of course is ever so swift to make his move.

Having witnessed that in some of the volunteering that I have done, and now being married walhumdulillah, I feel that we need to make this effort geuine rather than one of a few laughs to pass time. I feel that if you see someone who might be a good match then suggest it to a common friend, someone married or older, who knows the two and can then take on the responsbility appropriately.

This is unforunately very rarely done and has become a fitnah plauging the work of those who are dedicated to 'Ilm.

Allahu ALam

ZBT
01-22-2009, 12:30 PM
Sr. Khadija and Aroob, I agree with both of you. I'm glad you raised these points.

The problem is not that our friends should not be suggesting people to us, but rather the manner in which it is brought up is sometimes very inappropriate and awkward. I say awkward because often it is brought up when others are around which is not fair to the sister to make it such a public matter. Like you mentioned, it seems as though ideas are suggested just for the sake of conversation and fun when really this isn't something to sit around and discuss just for fun. The person suggesting it often doesn't have a plan in mind on how to approach the situation or handle it and is just saying it for the sake of saying it. If one thinks that someone is truly a good match, then it shouldn't be left on the sister herself to figure out what to do. There is a mature and logical way to handle these situations.

For example, if you think that some brother is good for a sister you know (or vice versa), you need to do a little homework yourself and maybe discuss with the sister's father/brothers/mother or any other family member if they think the sister would be interested in this before going directly to the sister regardless of how good of friends you are. Also, you should have some way of having a connection with the brother either through your own husband or someone who may know the brother so that you have some idea if the other side is even interested and if the idea has some potential.

If you really want to suggest someone to your friend directly, then that's fine. However, as a good friend then, you need to also give your friend some advice on how the matter can be approached and you should offer to help her/him by taking the lead on talking to others to get things moving.

Aroob525
01-22-2009, 02:10 PM
For example, if you think that some brother is good for a sister you know (or vice versa), you need to do a little homework yourself and maybe discuss with the sister's father/brothers/mother or any other family member if they think the sister would be interested in this before going directly to the sister regardless of how good of friends you are. Also, you should have some way of having a connection with the brother either through your own husband or someone who may know the brother so that you have some idea if the other side is even interested and if the idea has some potential.

If you really want to suggest someone to your friend directly, then that's fine. However, as a good friend then, you need to also give your friend some advice on how the matter can be approached and you should offer to help her/him by taking the lead on talking to others to get things moving.
SubhanAllah VERY well said! :)

Mansoor
01-23-2009, 03:14 PM
I say, lets not help shaytan against our brothers and sisters. Single people are already going through a lot, so if you cant help then please atleast dont add to it.

TawhidFirst
02-01-2009, 07:20 PM
Good point