Getting to know the person before you marry them...

[Zafir]

As salamu alaykum

I was talking to someone about dating vs. the Islamic way of finding a spouse...and I came upon a question that I am so surprised I do not have the answer to after taking the FOL...if I wanted to get married, can I take as much as I need to get to know the girl before a decision is made? I thought before I took the class that yes I would have as much time as i needed. But afterwards, I remember the first integral about the spoken form said that the decision needs to be made right then and there? Does this mean we must decide without taking time to get to know the other person?

Zafir

[ibs81]

Bismillah. I beleive you are getting things confused. You got the part you are talking about which is when the actual contract is taking place, there and then, what the ruling is that the Eejaab and Qabool have to be made in one time frame like the Wali says "I have given you my daughter Fulan" you dont have time in respect saying "let me have an hour then I will let you know." You must tell them I "I have accepted yuor daughter Fulan." Though if the urf of the custom is to wait a period or something like that then that is an exception to the case.

Now before that even happens, you will have the betrothal period where you do need to find out if you are compatable and all what includes that process. Obviuosly you will need the Mahram there as not to put your self in Khalwa with the sister. So in a ceartin sense it seems you have that period of time to find out if this is the sister I will marry, though from my experience you really dont need a lot of time.

And Allah knows best.

[Nazia Awan]

Assalaamu'alaikum Br. Zafir,

Please refer to your notes for the discussion of khitbah. This is the period of time between the initial proposal of a man and the finalizing marriage contract. In this period, a man may get to know his prospective wife and decide if he is compatible with her.

BarakAllahu feek.

Wasalaamu'alaikum

[al ilm noor]

Assalamu alaikum,

This question is for anyone who has taken the class or for Sh. Yasir:

Is there any truth in the permissibility of getting to know a woman with the intention of proposing, but before actually proposing to her wali? This would still be done with a third party present, to avoid khalwa, but the third person would not be the wali.

It seems like this is done a lot.

Jazzakum Allahu khair.

[~Oum AbdurRahman~]

As-salaamoualaikoum,
Dear sis the above link insha'Allah should be helpful...atleast somewhat.
Insha'Allah.

[al ilm noor]

Jazzaky Allah khair, it helped somewhwat like you said.

So would this ruling still apply if the means of communication is email only?

[~Oum AbdurRahman~]

SubhanAllah that is a good question.

I honestly feel much much more comfortable having sh. Yasir answer this because I don't have the authority nor the knowledge to make a fatwa...Insha'Allah he'll answer soon.

[Yaser Birjas]

Jazzaky Allah khair, it helped somewhwat like you said.

So would this ruling still apply if the means of communication is email only?

I personally don’t recommend this method as a mean of knowing one another because it doesn’t help read the actual feelings ‘through body language’.
But if there was no other way then they should always cc a third party who is a mahram to the woman.

Wallahu aa’lam

[Yusrah Uthman]

Wa aleykum as salam wr wb Zafir

Honestly, I find the whole "getting to know the person" absolutely USELESS. What is there to know about? People have been "knowing" each other for months and they cut it off because we just werent "right" for one another. You will only know the person once you marry them. Many ppl were dating other people for YEARS and even lived togethgerbut after they said their "i dos" they saw another person and thus, split apart. Subhanallah, is not salatul Istikhara enough for the Ummah? Why was it sent if its not the RIGHT answer? Allah swt is sufficient as a Judge. You dont know anything except what Allah swt has taught you. Like i say, "What we know, Allah swt knows more. And what Allah swt knows, we know not". Just pray ISTIKHARA. Its enough I tell, its enough. When you put your reliance on ALLAH, you cant but get what is best for you. Long story short, dont "get to know this person" as it something new and I have never read anywhere that sahabas (whom are the people we SHOULD follow) got to "know each other" before they got married. Allah swt is sufficient. I know from experience, it only leads to heart break.
Tc

As salamu aleykum wr wb

[Abu Ubaydah]

"getting to know the person"As salaam 'alaykum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakaatuh,

Could you please elaborate on what is the first thing that comes to your mind when the phrase "getting to know the person" is said?

I believe the phrase itself has a negative connotation in the current society, however, knowing the person before marrying (in the sense that you have a look at him/her, you speak to him/her within the bounds of Islam for a small period of time to analyze his/her character, religiousness etc.) is something recommeded in the sunnah (from what we learnt in class). wa Allahu 'Alam. However, "getting to know the person" as it is commonly thought of (i.e. meeting with the person and hanging out with them, tyring to emotionally know each other, joking and laughing with each, seeing if you 'click' with the other person or if you have a 'chemistry' etc.) is something that is not allowed. wa Allahu 'Alam. I suspect you are thinking it is the second kind. The first kind only helps a person ensure that the other person has qualities that are compatible with ones pesonality - that is all. There is no emotional build-up (although you may get attached to the person based on his/her qualities).

I remember Sh. Yaser said in class that this period can be as long as it takes to convince oneself, however, it must not be abused. He, furthermore, suggested that a week or two is more than enough. So, the idea is to know them purely on an intellectual level and look at his/her physical characteristics so one can be satisified of his/her choice. However, the idea is not to emotionally get to know one another. Emotions and expressions of such emotions come after marriage. wa Allahu 'Alam.

Jazakum Allahu Khairan
Was salaam 'alaykum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakaatuh

[muslim_v]

Assalam'alaikum

I very much agree with making istikhara and subhanallah you will never go wrong when making istikhara. However, I wanted to note one point.

In the sunnah, there is support for 'dialoguing' in a halal fashion in addition to istikhara. I believe the prophet saw had a dialogue (i dont know the exact setting of it) with one of his wives prior to their marriage. she was an older lady with kids and had jealousy. she mentioned some of these things to him, and he replied saying something like : he is also old, her kids are like his or that he'll take care of her kids(or something to that effect) and that as for jealousy, he would make dua for her. this is a very vague recollection of the incident so please note that.

Also, part of a Muslim making a decision is that you make istikhara but you also consult people. i believe the consulting is called 'istishara'? (not sure).

Anyway, I jsut wanted to insh'allah note that there is dua and there is also the practicality of tying your camel, in other words, with the assistance of Allah, there is also the aspect of finding out about the person.

Another incident that we can insh'allah note in terms of 'consulting' people is that of one of the ladies at the time of the Prophet who came to her asking him about two of the sahaba who I suppose had proposed for her? So the Prophet told her that one of them was poor and the other (he used a certain phrase or wording here ) was basicaly someone who beats women. And then the Prophet (saw) suggested another person for marriage for her.

I hope this information is of benefit.

[Sincerity123]

i believe the consulting is called 'istishara'? (not sure).

This is not istikhara, it is shura, which is also part of sunnah.

[blue_blossom]

first of all i wanted to say that i honestly don't think it would take long to decide whether or not a specific spouse is better for you...if u put ur trust in allah (swt) inshallah everything will work out for you...however do the smart thing..don't rush into marriage just because you're getting old or something..*lol* and also inquire about the specific spouse who is interested in you..and make sure that they have good character and will help you become closer to allah (swt)...that's all you need honestly..

however i do know that alot of cultures don't really have the idea of a muhram finding a spouse for you..or even having a muhram there while a specific potential spouse wants to get to know you...like my culture for example...

in our culture our parents accept that we will just randomly bring spouses home and it is up to the couple to decide when they should meet, what they should discuss...

honestly..hanifa i know where you're coming from it is hard to get to know someone when you have no muhram there...and i haven't really thought of it as of yet...but i know its gonna catch up to me one of dese days..

what should we girls here on this site do, who have no muhram in this country?

[Masum]

What's "Khalwa"?

[Springofheaven05]

What's "Khalwa"?

Asalamualakum,


Khalwa is when a man and a woman who are not immediate family (mahram) remain alone in a room or place in a way that a third person is not easily able to enter upon them, or it is not usually accessible to others.
Some scholars say that even private emails and text messages that no one else can really look in on, can be considered khalwa.

Hope this helps and hope I explained it clearly.